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I’m trying to understand my reaction to my WH’s tears every time I cry. I hate it when he starts crying. It’s been 4 months now since he confessed his one night betrayal, and whenever I get upset and start crying in front of him, he starts crying too. Instead of making me feel better that he feels remorse and feels terrible for hurting me, I get so turned off that I stop crying and just want to get away from him. I can’t quite understand my reaction. It’s like he’s robbing me of something, making the situation about him instead of me. Am I being petty?
I want him to just sit there and tell me he’s sorry in a stoic way. I don’t want to have to feel sorry for him. I don’t want to have to deal with his emotions. I can barely stand my own sadness, I can’t handle his as well.

You are not being petty, he needs to suck it up and support you, and he's not doing that. He's crying for himself.

I agree that you are entitled to whatever you need, whatever will help you heal. You should ask for it and he should get therapy if he can’t provide it to you on his own. He can work on this.

With that said, I will admit I’m jealous. Jealous in a good way, like I’m happy for you. In the short term it may not be what you need and on some level I see how it is making it « about him ». But, on another level it shows empathy. Empathy is usually shown by mirroring and matching the emotions of the person you are trying to connect with. It sounds like he sees your pain and it pains him to have caused it. My husband has only done this a very few times and I wish I had a video recording of it. I would probably watch it on repeat. My husband lacks the empathy…a little on the spectrum.

So search to understand your reaction…share it with your WH and demand the support you need. But maybe in some ways it is kind of a good sign. (Unless they are alligator tears and just fake) I know some would disagree, because he is making it about himself in a way. And you most certainly should not have to comfort him. But the fact that he is mirroring your emotions seems like a connection of sorts.

And you are right. Don’t feel sorry for him. You are the one who has been injured. You deserve the compassion.

Since I am not feeling the empathy I have requested that he ask questions. That should be another good sign of empathy. Him wanting to understand what you are feeling on a deep level. And you are most definitely not being petty.

My H was a gaslighter and trickle truth killer for months after D day. It was awful. As time went on and he started to feel true remorse and really realize what he actually did he started to tear up when I spoke about my pain and what he did to the family.
At first I didn’t buy it and I told him that which obviously hurt him , my H doesn’t cry. I thought they were tears for himself because of how he treated me shortly after d day.

As time goes in I still catch myself wanting to throw it in his face that his tears don’t match mine, that this isn’t about him but I stop myself. I think my issue is if i acknowledge that he is remorseful, if he really is crying and changing then that means he’s growing and I have to too.
It means that I have to work on my healing and my growth and I can’t have this victim mentality that I’ve gotten so used to.

Now when he cries we just cry together because I feel in my heart we both are mourning what’s lost and trying to heal ourselves and it’s just hard. It took a minute to see that he actually cared but I see it now.

On the flip side on my really bad days I tell him I can’t deal with his emotions.

He called me crying from work on one of my bad days because I wouldn’t answer my phone and he called me sobbing that he loved us and wanted to come home bc he was worried about losing us and I told him he needed to call someone else. That I was having an emotional day from what HE CHOSE to do but I had no emotional or mental space to be there for him but I did tell him I loved him and I took my space to be alone. He stayed at work then came home and cried with me and then I was there for him but it is so hard to deal with both of our emotions some days but I’m glad he is showing them finally.

I think you will find if he was sitting there stoically it would bother you just as much. You would feel Ike how can he just sit and watch me cry and be so cold about it.

The reason you can’t stand it is you are being vulnerable with someone who just dished out probably the worst trauma in your life. I don’t think there is any reaction he can have that will make you feel more comfortable doing that. I am not at all saying the problem is with you- it’s not. It’s a natural reaction for anyone this early out who is trying to share their feelings with someone they don’t trust and have a lot of hard feelings towards.

I don’t know if he is crying for himself or not. I mean it’s possible. But if he was able to sit there stone faced while you show your pain that would be a different problem. And I would t have been able to sit and watch my husband cry without crying, so just know even if he tries to do as you have asked he may not always succeed.

I think you just need to understand that you are going to be in fight or flight with him for a while to come. It’s normal and you do whatever you need to do in the situation to find safety and regulation.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:11 PM, Wednesday, July 31st]

He wounded you. It takes time to recover from it. Do you think, maybe, anger is driving this, because, if it is, you will be angry regardless of what he does. It was not an accident. People don’t accidentally have sex. I think that is why you are still in the middle of the mess he caused. Again it takes time but please understand this…guilt has a shelf life. He is going to want to get this behind you. At some point you are going to have to make decisions. One is to truly forgive and let go and the other is to separate and move on.

At some point you are going to have to make decisions. One is to truly forgive and let go and the other is to separate and move on.

Four months past D-Day is a little early for this. She's still spinning.

I don't remember crying together. In dramas we see in movies and TV, crying is often a manipulative tool. Your H may be crying when you do as a way of minimizing the impact of your crying on him, and that would be at least a yellow flag. Have you asked him what his crying means? I think the answer to that question is crucial.

My experience has been that being with a person while they cry is the best one can do for that person. No need to stop them. Hell, I think it's best to encourage the crier to let it all out now.

That's why I'm concerned about simultaneous crying. Maybe he can give support while crying; maybe not.

There were times I didn't want to stay with my W while she cried after d-day. If she didn't like my not supporting her, she could always have left. But she knew her crying was hers to deal with, and that's what she did. (OTOH, I asked her to stick around while I cried; she did that, too, despite it's probably being unfair.)

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:41 PM, Wednesday, July 31st]

You know him better than we do, obviously, so you can probably tell if it's authentic empathy or manipulative. If you know him to be a crier already, it's probably empathy.

What I think I'd do is tell him exactly what you told us:

I get so turned off that I just want to get away from you. It’s like you're robbing me of something, making the situation about you. I want you to just sit there and be stoic and tell me you're sorry. I don’t want to have to deal with your emotions on top of mine.

He needs to suck it up and practice being your rock.

You are not being petty, he needs to suck it up and support you, and he's not doing that. He's crying for himself.

I don't think this is a 100% accurate. He could also be crying for you.

Humans are strange - what one person wants causes another to recoil. My WH would clam up when I started crying and stonewall. He looked absolutely miserable, but it was more in a trying to control his anger at having to listen to me or trying to control his disdain for my misery. So when after he started IC for real and he actually cried - it meant something to me. I suspect that what bothers you is that you cannot trust his intentions behind the crying (to the extent we cry with intent anyway) - that it somehow does not seem supportive of you. Or perhaps you need the "rock" described by others?

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:04 PM, Wednesday, July 31st]

WS here, I often struggle with my emotions and it has at times had me really worried tht maybe I'm just a tad broken in the head. I very rarely cry and my BS finds this worrying/concerning, believing it's a lack of empathy but for me I dont want to make it all about me.
I have managed to tear up at times when discussing certain aspects of my A, for the most part I manage to hold it together...but I do want to he more vulnerable and show her.

I think as others have said though, speak to your WS and tell him how it makes you feel and see what the root cause of these emotions are but I do feel as others have said, if he wasnt emotional then it can come across as cold and disinterested (I can vouch for that) and it's likely not what he would want you to feel.

Good luck

With all due respect to Cooley, "truly forgive" doesn't mean forget or offer absolution. It doesn't mean never feel bad about it and don't talk about it if you do feel bad about it. It means that you believe your partner has done what they can to become safe again and they are able to recover a sufficient portion of trust to remain your romantic partner. I also agree 4 months out is no time for talk of "at some point you have to forgive or separate". One step further, you can always change your mind and separate later. I forgive my wife, but at any point, I can just change my mind. This is not just true legally where I am but ethically as far as I'm concerned. Our marriage was killed by infidelity and marriage 2.0 runs on borrowed time, not permanent vows.

All that said, I sort of agree with HikingOut that you often find that people wish WS could "get down on the floor with them" and just be in pain rather than just say "I'm sorry" stoically. I'm not suggesting him crying is necessarily appropriate, though it could be the appropriate response. Seeing, or being reminded of the damage you have caused, can then make you feel pain/shame too. On the other hand, it could be deflective or manipulative. Tons of WSs cry as a form of manipulation.

There is a lot of rebuilding for you two to do before he can really be a source of honest support for you. Until he has done that, I don't think any response of his to your pain will be satisfying.

Have you asked him why he cries and if he things he’s entitled to cry?

Hi Leila,
I'm right there with you on how bad it sucks to have to consider your wayward's emotional state while navigating your own nightmare.

Only he knows why he is crying, but I agree with HikingOut's post in that it seems equally likely that you'd wish he was more emotional if he were stoic. I hope you can give yourself some grace because, basically, a wayward can't really do anything right so close to the aftermath.

As others have mentioned, you can ask him about this. But I would caution you not ask too many questions that you aren't prepared to hear as truthful. I know it's hard to know when that time comes, but I think you'll feel it when it does.

Hi Leila,

This is just a guess, but I think his crying bothers you because you have been conditioned (culturally, familially, socially, inentionally?) to manage his emotions. So I think when you see him cry your first reaction is to express empathy and shift into "fix it" mode to make him feel better, and that feels incredibly "not fucking fair" right now, and you resent him for making you feel that way when now is the one time in your whole freaking life where YOU need to be taken care of. In a way, his emotion is robbing you of the chance to be the victim here and you deserve to be that person at the moment. By crying, you feel like he's making it about him and his shame or sadness or regret or whatever (honestly, who cares!), and that is preventing this moment from being about YOUR pain and that feels awfully unfair right now considering he was the only one in your relationship who had a choice in causing any of this.

I don't know you or your husband or your dynamic so I do not know if your husband is doing this intentionally in order to manipulate you or the situation or not. Either way, you need to tell him that it's bothering you so he can see what you need from him in this moment. I also agree with HikingOut when she says that there probably isn't all that much he could do right now that WOULDN'T piss you off - that doesn't mean he shouldn't try though.

Does it have to be just one reason that you are bothered? Because I think it may be layered.

Yes, like Hikingout said, there were times my husband could not act or react right enough for me. No matter what.

But also, pity is my H's love language. How messed up is that? When he couldn't get respect or love or appreciation outright in his life, he would accept pity. At least it means the person is feeling some type of empathy for him, right? So you can bet he tried to get some pity from me in those early months, and it got on my last nerve.

I sounded something like, "I have no idea what I want you to do right now, but you are NOT going to cry about something you had control over! Crying is for victims only!"

Thanks everyone for your responses and insights. After much soul searching, I think I do have a better idea of why I hate seeing my WH cry. Ever since he confessed his betrayal, and I found out he’d been lying to me about it for over 12 years, I’ve been seeing him completely differently. All I see in front of me is a coward and a weak, pathetic man. When he cries, it only confirms this new image I have of him and it terrifies me. I am hoping for reconciliation, but that won’t be possible if I have such disdain for him, if I’ve lost all respect for him. So I want him to show me that he is strong, that he can comfort me with quiet dignity instead of me having to deal with this weeping, sniveling mess in front of me.
I know that he cries out of empathy, and that he feels real remorse. He says he is terrified of losing me. He has done everything I have asked, he’s even in IC to try to understand what led him to cheat even though we had a great relationship and love for each other. I’m just not sure it’s enough to get me to see him as a man worth staying with. I guess all I can do is give it some time and see how I feel in a few months.