SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe I’m derailed because it’s A season and day is a month away. Maybe I’m depressed , maybe I feel like I’ll never heal.

Regardless , I’ve gotten back into the lovely million question game with my H ( I don’t think it will be going anywhere anytime soon). and those BS with more experience or maybe the WS here I have a question for you.

Could your AP really have been anyone? My
H swears by this and maybe I need reassurance, maybe because my trust in him is in the trash.

The lovely trauma strikes again.

Sorry you are struggling, friend. And from where I am sitting, you ARE healing. You are a badass, strong woman standing up for your rights and needs, caring for your babies, and still finding time to dole out solid advice here to hurting strangers. Be patient, it is happening, it just takes time.

What is the significance of this question to you? I think there are some risk factors in AP’s, like previous romantic partners or long lost high school crushes, coworkers, shit like that. It seems like you are asking something else though. What would it mean for this not to be true? That the AP is special in a way that rivals your specialness to him?

Ink

I’m just comparing to what I know isn’t there

She has bigger boobs , she was trashier than me , she has a different sense of humor (think slap stick). I’m more of a dark humor.
She was better at compliments than me with him, I struggle there , she doesn’t have a special needs child that drains and ages her , she did drugs that made her "fun".

I mean it’s all the bullshit don’t want to be but here i am in self pity.
i keep comparing to literal trash and i dont know how to stop. why am i jealous? Why do i want to be treated like her?

I dont know.

Hang in there Groot! I think your questions are great. Really thought provoking. I mean your SI questions obviously

But as far as your questions to your WH…
I saw a thing today from a therapist that I liked about how the questions the BS is asking are an opportunity for the WS to rebuild trust. They are an opportunity. The WS should be grateful for them.

My WH definitely struggles with that. He says why would I WANT to talk about the worst thing I ever did. My attitude about that has been fine. Maybe that is how you feel but keep it to yourself. Your job when I ask questions is to be kind, empathic, supportive remorseful, engaged, stay present, use body language that shows your support, show humility, be curious, don’t avoid, don’t stonewall, if you have to walk away tell me when you’ll be back to finish the discuss, hug me even if I show anger, do NOT remind me I’ve asked the same question 1000x (I clearly could go on with this for pages so I’ll stop)

As far as could they have been anyone. My husband says that too. I’m not too fond of that b/c it makes it sound like he was out trolling for a cheating partner (maybe he was).

On the boobs thing mine big AP’s small. So I’m pretty convinced he wanted that. Smaller’ s always perkier remember.

His AP was special because she was his secretary. What could be better than having someone do everything you ask with a smile. How could I possibly compete with that.

But she was otherwise a troll (at least thats what I like to tell myself). So now when he mentions a woman at work and I get jealous and he says she’s unattractive or whatever, I say well we know that’s what you go for in your side chicks. He didn’t really like that at first but its become a joke and we laugh about it.

You have a special needs child so that obviously makes you better and special. She is most definitely NOT special.
Oh and she is a trashy drug user. Sounds a dime a dozen to me.

Obviously it sounds like you already know this. But, I think it’s good to say it out loud. You are better. Period. She was special in that she was a morally repugnant garbage dump of a human being. So yeah I guess she was special.

My WH AP was nobody special and yes it could have been anyone who was willing to degrade themselves the way she did. He describes that there was no attraction, no connection … absolutely nothing. He liked that she gave him attention and made him feel "desired and wanted."

In reality he said she could have been a hooker, a monkey, blah blah … it wasn’t her specifically he was pining for … just the act 🤮. He believes the only reason why he "accepted" her advances in the first place was because she was "familiar" and they saw each other everyday at work.

The anti-versary date is a sentinel event of sorts, similar to losing a parent or child. The first few years may be the roughest, but can be better over time. Practice self-care and expect that this time sucks. For me, the suck period started a month or so before and lasted a month or so after. For several years.

You need the BASGU speech. You are a bad ass, sparkly goddess unicorn (BASGU!) You are the prize here. Go buy yourself some pretty undergarments. Wear them everywhere - at home, to the grocery store, to get gas. Doesn't matter if they're sparkly or lacey, just make sure it's pretty. Go buy yourself a couple of outfits that make you feel pretty or bad ass or like a rockstar. Wear the outfits. Something that goes well with bitch boots. (Thanks for the advice, Chaos!) It really does help you feel better.

Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry have been cheated on, and they're gorgeous. Adam Levine cheated on his wife, who is a VICTORIA'S SECRET UNDERWEAR MODEL! Look at all of the idols and stars that get cheated on and are taller, thinner, (insert whatever here).

I’m more of a dark humor.

I know, and I fucking love it

I believe my WH’s AP could have been anyone. Anyone who was willing to throw themselves at him, send topless pics and ask him over during the day for a quick f*ck.

She is not better, she is not hotter, he didn’t chase her, he just didn’t say ‘NO’.

Sometimes I don’t know if that is even better or worse. All I know is she is someone I want to leave in the past and never think about again.

I believe it could have been anyone. They were willingly playing a role. My WW was training and competing in bikini competitions. She was in the best shape of her life. Her AP was nothing she would be attracted to. I do not want to describe him because it could be offensive. I will just say older than me, and never been to a gym.
She craved the attention it didn’t matter who it was. I am also in A season (5 years) this week.

Yep, it could have been anyone.

Affairs aren’t like dating, when you are out dating, you are available, they are available, everything is on the up and up. Affairs happen with people who are easy and convenient and willing to sleep with someone else’s spouse. A lot of the time, it’s a matter of opportunity combine with an unhealthy mental state.

When you date as a single person, things are more intentional. You are discerning compatibility and trying to get to know the other person.

In affairs it’s often more a hyper fixation on how that person makes you feel rather than really caring about them. And you will mold who they are based on who you want them to be- which is usually an audience to the role you are playing. Affairs are often the product of someone wanting to play at a different version of themselves. The more into you they seem the more you can believe that you are this other version of yourself.

But for whatever reason you are blind to the idea that this role you are playing is not a better version of yourself. I wanted to believe I was younger, sexier, more vibrant. I wanted to seem clever, funny, interesting. I was really none of these things, I was only living out a day dream to escape the mental hell inside my head created by a lack of self awareness and unhealthy coping.

My AP was 20 years older than me. We probably looked to have an age gap of more like 30 years. In meetings, his mouth hung open. He was a serial cheater, and often hurt my feelings because sometimes the mask would fall and I would know in that moment I meant nothing to him. Yet, I could not let go of my pursuit of having that audience. I knew he was not the man my husband was, but at the same time I had this crippling underlying belief that my husband was better than me. He came from a better family, he was far less complicated, and such a good person. Being with someone that I felt more equal to or even maybe a little superior to felt like it should have yielded me more adoration than I was actually getting.

If it’s not clear, his purpose was solely to boost my ego. You don’t really get to know the real person because they too are playing a role a lot of the time. And, what, I was going to run off from a faithful husband and go be with a serial cheater who handed me nothing but false promises so that he could put another notch on his belt?

Truly, the only reason he was my AP is proximity, opportunity, and because he knew the game and how to play it.

Same goes for my husbands AP. She was someone who had worked for us for years. She was a chain smoker, and was loud and rough around the edges. We used to kind of get annoyed with her together, rolling our eyes when she would go in and on about stuff we didn’t care about on the phone. There is no way in. A million years he would have actually picked her out somewhere and said, oh it’s her. Nah, instead it was she was around during the day when I was at work, she sensed there were issues, he started opening up to her because he wasn’t talking to anyone about it. She saw her opportunity to upgrade her life. The shit this woman did for him was desperate and sad. Much like my own behavior.

She had some better body attributes than me. I am shorter and more compact. She was taller, curvier, with perky little breasts. Dressed sexier. She had those tiktok leggings that were viral at the time and even I thought her ass looked amazing in them. They left nothing to the imagination. But a life partner? No way. Even I found that idea laughable.

Affairs are not where you find your dream person. It’s where you dream about who you could be. The other person is just an audience and you make them out to be better than they are because if you didn’t then the validation they are giving can’t be as valuable. And it’s not like all that is conscious thought, because the state someone is in while having an affair is just making up the story as they go along.

Your husband picked someone the opposite of you. Someone trashy, because a) he could feel superior, falsely ensuring him that he was the catch in the situation (which was opposite of how he felt about himself in your marriage and b) because it was apparent she was willing to not have morals and couldn’t judge him for the lack of his. If he was single and intentionally dating, he would probably pick someone much more like you. He would get to know her and court her. Not take her somewhere in the woods or in a car.

Her specialness to him is that she was willing to look at him starry eyed to help him feel like less of a piece of shit. You didn’t make him feel like shit, but part of him felt deep down that he wasn’t the man you needed him to be. He used her to feel better about himself. That was sort of the point with picking up someone trashy. He could live up to her much lower expectations. And that isn’t a statement about you. You were a loving wife even though he was failing you in many ways. It was how he felt about himself that drove that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:10 AM, Friday, September 6th]

Given the number of married men that made advances towards me, I learned I was nothing special. It was just a matter of who was willing to be a side chick.

Groot1988,

I’m just comparing to what I know isn’t there

She has bigger boobs , she was trashier than me , she has a different sense of humor (think slap stick). I’m more of a dark humor.
She was better at compliments than me with him, I struggle there , she doesn’t have a special needs child that drains and ages her , she did drugs that made her "fun".

I mean it’s all the bullshit don’t want to be but here i am in self pity.
i keep comparing to literal trash and i dont know how to stop. why am i jealous? Why do i want to be treated like her?

I dont know.

It is not unusual to think that the infidelity is due to something lacking in you, something that you aren't. Dispute that irrational belief. It is not true.

fWH here. I was a serial cheater with numerous EAs and 5 PAs of varying lengths and degrees.

My wife is a 5'7" gorgeous Italian brunette and a former beauty pageant contestant. Also a teacher with a masters. She drinks on rare occasions. Her emotional maturity is through the roof.

The 5 APs I was physical with were all short blondes (5'6" down to 4'11"), each of them a working professional with 1 being a former COW. One was a former model, 2 were cheerleaders in HS/college. The other 2 were conventional girl-next-door attractive.

The biggest commonalities that the APs and I had was alcohol and depression. I was a heavy drinker at the time and each of them were as well. The former model was a full-blown alcoholic.

My therapist and I explored this a little in my early IC days, at my own crazy insistence. My crackbrained theory was that each of these women were the physical and emotional opposites of my wife, and were part of the wall I had built in my marriage. My wife and I were living a "married single", ships-passing-in-the-night life at that point.

In the end, my therapist got me to see that none of that shit mattered. We were all broken, hurt people who sought each other out because the opportunity was there. Period. They could've been green Martians and it wouldn't have made a shit bit of difference. The willingness to cheat was the only thing that mattered.

Oh man, this was a hard one for me to grapple with and accept. I hear so many of my struggles in your posts.
Yes, in my case, it literally could have been anyone. Anyone that would have given him, what I call, a verbal blow job. Meaning- oh you’re such a good person, your job is amazing , you are so successful, such a good man. . . And fucking hot— were some of her best. Yeah, that with naked pictures did the job.
He, being the trash he was, seeing my successes and our kids’ successes felt like shit and she pumped him full of shit. All the while using the " I want your family to work out" friends with benefits approach. This was not her first go around with a married man. It’s a habit for her.
From early on he told me over and over there was nothing about her he wanted— at first and often I called him a liar. Then I learned more and good god the place you’d have to be to fuck her is bottom of the barrel. He would say it could have been anyone, wouldn’t have mattered age, race, size, anything. Again I called bullshit until I realized who it was and how many absolutely nots she checked off of his "wants" list. I have come to realize it could have been anyone that was low enough to persue him in that way. . . Because he was too lazy to go find it himself. His whole thing was not having to put any work in and getting the feel good of someone wanting him. Didn’t matter that they neither one were worth shit.
I am truly able
To accept this now which really helps me be a bit more empathetic to how pathetic of a place —how broken he was. Seeing his daily work to be the man he always should have been has helped this along, though at times it pisses me off, bc if he’d done the work sooner. . .

My wife AFAIK only exchanged sext messages with a married male coworker who is 13 years younger than me and 9 years younger than my wife. He carries a gun and a badge and a bulletproof vest and apparently is quite friendly to everyone.

I found out that he would travel through all of the offices in the morning, talking to everyone, and then I find out a few months into our attempt at recovery that he hugs all of the women before he leaves their office.

When I confronted my wife I asked if there had been any contact between them and her response was no. A few months into our attempt at recovery and she tells me that he hugs all of the women before he leaves their office. I said you told me there was no contact to which my wife replied I thought you meant physical sexual contact to which I replied you are playing games with words.

She said none of the other husbands have an issue with it to which I replied you are assuming they know about it and I don't give a damn how any other husband feels about it. This came up in one of our marital counseling sessions and the counselor agreed with me that it doesn't matter how anybody else feels about it, it only matters how I feel about it. My wife just sat there in silence

I said you know damn well had you told me about the hugging I would have put a stop to it but you didn't tell me because you liked it and you didn't want it to stop. She tried saying it was innocent to which I replied you think it's innocent hugging the man you are exchanging sexual text messages with? No reply to that

So could it have been anyone? I don't know. But I did tell my wife that she had picked the perfect person to destroy me with. 13 years younger, charming, friendly, chatty, CONVENIENT :/

The only job I ever wanted was to become a police officer and even though I made the list at several departments I was never high enough on the list to be called up before they reset the list. My wife has said several times that she's glad that I never did become a police officer so I find it quite interesting/insulting that she chose to have an affair with a police officer

AFAIK there have been no other men that she has texted with but who really knows the truth about their spouse after finding out about an affair.

Please forgive my long winded answer. I'm guessing my wife probably had other opportunities that she never engaged in but this guy was enough to break through 20 years of marriage and a 27 year relationship

In my case no I don't believe my WH would have picked just anyone for a long term affair that went on for years. He's extremely good at being deceitful and methodical when it comes to planning anything. It had to be the right person.

He had to choose someone who met certain criteria. She had to be comfortable with not only being willing to have an affair with a married man but she had to be fine with putting her own marriage on the line. Yet at the same time neither wanted to lose their marital relationship which ensured both would keep their mouths shut. He had to know he could trust her not to expose anything, watch her commenting on FB as to not bring about suspicion, and know that she would never contact me and blow up their illicit releationship. He had to chose someone as deceitful as he was and whose moral compass was as broken as his.

There had to be a high level of trust between them. Ironic that trust is something so important to them yet the trust within the marriage is collateral damage they are willing to create in order to fulfill their selfish needs.

A ONS very likely could be just anyone, but so not the case with a LTA.

Could they really have been anyone?

Yes.

My gym is new to me post lockdowns because my old gym never brought classes back, but I've known many of the people there for a while. When I started attending, there was a middle age guy tatted up with the ripped t-shirt and backwards baseball cap. He'd make this pretty mom of two laugh and laugh and laugh.

But she wasn't in it for more than laughs, so he moved on. Next thing I know, he's chatting up two recently divorced women, walking behind them on the treadmills. But I'm sure they had heard about his wife and two tweener kids, so they gave him the cold shoulder.

Recently he's been making eyes at me, which I find hilarious. Is it because I am special? Suuurrreee. I pretend not to notice his desperation and walk away. The naive or ignorant or entitled or whatever woman that DOES fall for the bullshit he is clearly dishing will be exactly what we say--anyone. That's the word that often crosses my mind when I see him casting his net.

I work with a guy whose wife divorced him after the 5th or whatever affair with a colleague. Were these women special? They maybe thought so, but when he became single, he dated no one at work. How was everyone seemingly special? And then suddenly no one was special? His criteria had clearly changed.

I have never, ever seen a cheater engage with someone or something that seemed special, someone who could be called "the one." Literally never.

Ma'am, so sorry for your pain. I commiserate to a degree concerning my first wife's affair. As to this:

Could your AP really have been anyone?

I say, anyone but him.

The only way her choice of APs could have hurt more is if it had been my brother. Truly. Choosing my then best friend was to thrust 2 daggers through my heart. One for her, one for him. With my fractured upbringing, I did not make friends easily and to be betrayed by them both was a blow from which I did not recover for years.

Of course, those days are now long gone and the karma bus hit him very very hard, but remembering the revelation that it was him still stings and probably always will.

As Ive said before, I went on to build a fabulous life with a woman who is also a survivor of an equally brutal betrayal. Suffice it to say, we both despise infidelity and the terrible destruction it wreaks on individuals, marriages and families. Sometimes for generations.

Anyway, from one fbs to another, continued strength and healing to you. Remember Hemingway's words from Invictus:

"I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:12 AM, Sunday, September 8th]

"It could've been anyone" is a cop out.

Yes, there are horny bastards out there who have few criteria other than attractive, willing, and discreet. Those types are nearly impossible to reconcile with because they never had a moral compass guiding them to begin with.

But most people who decide to cheat actually do need a specific person under a specific circumstances, such as reconnecting with an ex over social media, developing a strong attraction and emotional connection with a coworker, or getting hit on by someone that they would've considered "out of their league," etc.

Whenever someone crosses a moral boundary, they must first jump through quite a few mental hoops to get there... particularly if the risk involved could destroy their lives. Therefore, as part of the recovery process, your husband needs to be able to identify and express to you his "whys"... including why that specific person.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:00 PM, Saturday, September 7th]

Whenever someone crosses a moral boundary, they must first jump through quite a few mental hoops to get there...

I don’t deny there may be *some people* who may have higher standards for an affair. But the hoops many of us jump through are all more about ourselves than the other person. It’s about our needs, about making ourselves feel better. About what we want.

I am well beyond having cop outs for things. My AP could have been anyone. I wasn’t out seeking an affair, but it wasn’t about him being special. It was about making myself feel special.

Affairs are not like dating. The pool of people for an affair is far more limited and the people that are willing to do that with you are not quality people. You are so unlikely to pull a life partner from such a thing, which by far is the greatest evidence of this theory.