Lost
First a suggestion. Keep in mind this is just exactly that – a suggestion:
You have started three threads, all with one posts from you. Makes offering advice harder and even disjointed. I suggest you stick to one thread until or unless there is some major change in what you are after. Like I said: Only a suggestion. You aren’t doing nothing wrong, its just that I think you will be better served in one thread.
OK – So here is my view on things, based on what I have read over your three threads and posts:
Your wife of 42 years had an affair, lasting 15 years. From the 24-25 year of your marriage until the 40th. She has not – to your knowledge – actively been having an affair for the last 2 years.
She keeps secrets and hasn’t come clean about the affair.
She called the OM – a coworker – and it took 40 minutes for her to end the affair. In that call she professed her undying love, that he was the true love and that would never change. How unhappy she was and the only moments of happiness were in his presence. He spent time reminding her of her unhappiness with you.
Since then, there has been no professional counseling and she still keeps secrets from you.
That about an accurate recap?
Well... I can share what I think is the BEST way to move out of infidelity, and frankly the odds of your wife coming along with you are IMHO about 7 to 10... IMHO that beats what I foresee for you going onwards with the level of inaction to-date.
First some assumptions: 42 year old marriage, plus sixty age... I’m guessing that if there are kids they aren’t at home, or at the very young adulthood. Maybe even grandkids. So it’s not as if either of you can hide behind the classic "wait until junior leaves home". What you are being offered NOW is your future – and it’s up to you to either accept what you have or take action to change it.
Infidelity for this long... It would be extremely rare that it ends just like that... I am 100% certain that at various times during those 15 years they talked about how wrong this is and all that and decided to quit... for a week. In your shoes I would assume the affair is ongoing, rather than assume it’s over. Only way to get to the bottom of that is to get assurance – one way or the other.
Still working together? If so it’s ongoing.
I think the very basis of good marriages is the acceptance and realization that the ONLY reason you (or she) is there is because you decided to be there. The strength of MY marriage is based on my commitment, and my wife’s commitment. Realistically there is both an emotional and practical threshold if I were to decide I want out, but neither is unsurpassable. Bluntly – if my marriage ended today – I would survive. If you are aware of this you also realize that you can’t take your marriage for granted, and that if you aren’t contributing OR not getting what you expect out of the marriage – you can leave. In a good marriage this fragility is what makes it strong.
With that in mind... What are you holding on to?
Well... Don’t make too hard assumptions based on her having a lover for 15 out of 43 years... But don’t ignore it either!
This long and it won’t end with a call... Especially if the end is forced on her. They might not be seeing each other, but you can bet your pension on there being some connection IMHO.
Second: Fifteen years... Why during that period if he was her key to happiness... haven’t they started a life together? This is actually a common scenario: the affair is fantasy. In the affair they don’t have to save money for e new roof, don’t have to clean the sick, don’t have to deal with the stink after your partner takes a crap. It’s all roses and fantasy and hours spent in each others arms and riding into the sunset on a white horse. I am 100% certain that over those 15 years one or both have lamented that maybe at another age, another time... they could be together but now they are tied to their commitments and have to sacrifice their happiness and settle for the old ogre (you) and the evil witch (assuming he’s married).
So I’m asking again: What are you holding on to? At 65 (not too far from me...) you can have anything from 15 to 30 good years ahead. That’s both quite some time, but also soberingly short... Do you want to spend that time being the ogre?
This is what I suggest:
Tell your wife that you have had an epiphany. You have made three major realizations.
The first one is that she is and has always been the love of your life, but that one-sided love isn’t healthy, and that if you truly loved her you would want her to be happy. You KNOW she says the OM is her true love, that she only found happiness with him, that she pines for him and that there is something other than what should be holding her in this marriage doing so. Therefore you absolve her of any marital expectations and give her the freedom to go be with OM.
The other epiphany is that you realize that you aren’t "losing" her per se. You lost her 17 years ago when she decided to initiate the affair. The only thing you have "lost" are the years you could have been in another healthier relationship. You are dealing with the resentment for this stolen time.
The third: Since OM is her "true love" and all that then at best you are sharing her as your wife. You don’t share wives.
Let her know that from now on she is totally free to be with OM, date OM, move in with OM, play house with OM... whatever. Only not as your wife. You are starting the process of terminating your relationship – both the personal and physical detachment required and the legal and technical aspects. Tell her this is a complex long-term process that is mostly guided and directed by law that should ensure a fair settlement. You are committed to this being as fair as possible and hope she will do the same.
It’s not instantaneous, but let her know you will start the process.
Ask her to show you the respect of not being too obvious with OM until the divorce has progressed further, maybe not talk to him where you hear her and maybe not have him over in the home while you cohabit.
Let her know that you do care for her and this is not how you envisioned this marriage ending. But as-is the choice is that you both remain in unhappiness, or that you pull the trigger and thereby allow her to find her happiness, and opening the possibility for you to find happiness elsewhere. She has a short window of opportunity to let you know if she wants to commit to the marriage, but that would require total truth, accountability and to convince you that you do matter to her beyond some "friend" and "companion" level.
And then you just move on...
There isn’t any rush. You don’t have to file today or anything like that. You start the tough discussions on how she envisions the divorce. Does she want the family home? Can either of you afford it? What needs to be done before it’s valued?
She starts talking about how you behavior back in 1992 forced her to look around... Your standard reply is "Sorry you feel that way. If we were working at saving and healing our marriage this issue might be relevant, but seeing as how you have chosen your affair over us and your happiness lies with OM then there isn’t any need to address this here and now" and then you go make a sandwich.
This is the same for ANY marital issue.
Although I told you there is a 7/10 probability that she follows you then that’s not the goal. That’s just a possible outcome. The goal is that YOU get out of infidelity. If she runs whooping for joy from your speech and shacks up with OM... well... at least you know. Beats wondering if your porridge tastes of arsenic a couple of miserable years from now.
I’m guessing that even if she does phone OM and tells him they can ride horses into the sunset... he probably isn’t planning on ending his marriage or changing his life or whatever. Furthermore I have a feeling that once your wife realizes there is nothing holding her back... she really doesn’t want what she thought she wanted.
But the key here is that YOU decide that YOU aren’t remaining in infidelity and that YOU are getting out of it. It then is more an issue how YOU progress and if she is capable of following you. If she does – you two can have a golden future ahead of you as a reconciled couple. If she doesn’t... well... all that more time to fly-fish for you...
