SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I’m new to this group. Thank you for offering me a safe and confidential place to speak.
I’ve been with my Husband for almost 30 years.
Married for 25 years. 2 adult children in their 20’s.

A few weeks ago I found out that my Husband has been having an affair - well not an affair, living a second life - for the last 21 years.
I’m in a complete state of shock and disbelief.
I had absolutely NO idea.

I won’t bore you with all the details but we’ve had (what I thought) a good marriage. We’ve never rowed. We have little moans at one another but we’ve never had the need to argue.
We laugh at the same things, we have similar interests.
We’ve had lots of wonderful holidays over the years.
People that know us say we’re an amazing couple and family.

We’ve had lots of trying times over the years (bereavements, usual family ups and downs) but we’ve always been there for one another and supported one another. He’s my best friend too and he says that I’m his.

Looking back over the last 30 years, we’ve always been happy. Our sex life has been fine, we’ve supported one another with work and home life. I’ve never seen any issues and that’s the honest truth. And he says the same.

However, recently I thought he was on his phone a lot and, seeing as he said he was cutting down on his social media time, I couldn’t understand what he was using his phone for. That gut feeling kicked in.

So, I looked at his itemised phone bill. And there it was. The same telephone number repeated throughout his bill for the last 12 months.
Texts, phonecalls. And the phonecalls were always when I wasn’t around.

So, I found the number in his phone. It wasn’t saved with a name but under a "#".

I confronted him and he turned my world upside down.

He’s been seeing this woman for the last 21 years.

Since our kids were little. For the first 15 years they would meet for sex as she lived locally. Then she moved away so they have kept in touch ever since via phonecalls and text messages for general conversation and sex chat.

I never suspected a thing. And that’s the honest truth. Apparently he used to see her when he was working. Or lie to me about what hours he was working and then see her. So I just thought he was at work and never had any reason to think he could be elsewhere.

We’ve spent the last 2 weeks taking non stop about it. He’s answered every question I’ve put to him. I’m hoping truthfully.

He says he doesn’t love her. Has never loved her. And has never wanted to leave me for her.
He said he loves me and our kids and has absolutely no idea why he felt the need to have her in his life. He said it was just sex that was "offered on a plate".

I’ve told him that it’s a relationship, a second life. Much more than an affair. But he’s told me that, although they got on and had good chats, he doesn’t want her and never has.

I’ve told him he must a connection with her for the contact to have lasted so long. He said any connection would just be a friendly one. Someone to chat to. Even though we chat about things.

I’m not sure he knows exactly how much this has devastated me. I feel like the last 21 years of my life,
Marriage and family have been a lie. A sham. I look at him and I don’t know him.

Of course he’s remorseful. Said he’ll do whatever it takes to get through this. But he’s only remorseful because he’s been found out. If I hadn’t have had a gut feeling something wasn’t right it would still be going on. They’d still be having their sordid little sex chats and I’d be none the wiser.

He wants us to get some counselling. He said he has something wrong with him because he doesn’t know why he’s done this when he loves me and has everything at home. But I don’t know whether a counsellor can help me see past this? It’s gone on for way too long.

I look at all the family photos around our house and it all seems a sham. He’s tainted the last 21 years of my life and family.

I’m going from feeling completely numb, to upset, to disbelief and back to numb again. I haven’t been angry and I don’t know why. It just doesn’t seem real, this can’t be true.
I’ve told a few people close to me and they can’t believe it either. But our kids don’t know yet. It will devastate them if they are told.

What do I do? Do I give counselling a try? Or is this just too big to work with?
I feel like I’m living in a horrible nightmare and I’m going to wake up soon.

so sorry you had to find us, but this is a good group of well-meaning folks. As this is very fresh for you, you may find some of the advice here a bit too much. So take what works and leave the rest. Over time you will find that nearly all the advice is 100% on point, so always consider what is said. You may not be ready to hear it, and it can still be true.

This is a HUGE TRAUMA to your system. You will be on the roller coaster of emotions for a long time. Here’s some ideas to help you get yourself grounded again

1) Get to your doctor. You need a full panel of STD/STI testing. Do not have unprotected sex with your wayward spouse (WS) until he also is tested and SHOWS you the results. You are learning that cheaters lie. A lot. And are really good at it. This is your health and you cannot take chances.

2) Take care of your self. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water (crying dehydrates), avoid drugs and alcohol as they make things worse, prioritize sleep and exercise. These help your body and your mind. If sleep or anxiety are an issue right now, talk to your doctor. Many of us needed anti-anxiety or anti-depressants for the first year or so. Get out and walk every day at the very least.

3) See a lawyer or three. Not necessarily to file for Divorce (D), but to educate yourself. Knowledge is power and it takes away the fear of the unknown. it will help you feel more in control when everything else feels out of control. You do not need to tell him you are doing this.

4) Read in the healing library here and all the bullseye posts in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum. You may have to go back some pages to find them, but they are gold. Read about the difference between regret and remorse.

5) talk to someone IRL. IC (individual counseling) is HIGHLY recommended for both of you. You need a place to talk about your fears, concerns, wants, etc. Find one who is skilled in trauma - this really is a trauma. If you have anyone you can confide in, please do. Sister, bestie, pastor…someone who will support you whether you stay married or not.

We do not generally recommend MC (martial counseling) yet. Your marriage didn’t cheat. He did. He needs to do some DEEP therapy to understand why.

6) Understand and internalize that this is 100% on him. There is NOTHING you did or did not do that caused him to cheat. You may not have been perfect (because nobody is), but the decision to cheat is on him. He did not "make a mistake". He made millions of choices to lie, deceive, and betray. This is 100% on him.

Lastly, trust that you will get through this. Thousands have come to SI before you. Some reconciled (R), some divorced (D), some chose to just stay together. But everyone survived and you will too. Sending some virtual hugs if you want them. ((((Hugs))))

-BB

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 5:10 PM, Tuesday, November 19th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. BB has given you some awesome advice. This is trauma and expect your emotions to be all over the place.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and possibly Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. He needs to go NC (no contact) with the AP (affair partner). Staying friends keeps the affair active. Watch his actions and don't listen to his words because you've found out that he is a big liar.

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for partners of people in long term affairs that you might find helpful.

So sorry to hear you've joined the 20+ years club. Mine lied for 20 out of 22. (The first two were ok I guess.)

Mine was addicted to many strangers and a few long termers as he travelled the world. It's a miracle I didn't wind up with HIV and / or a mystery baby or two.

It's sickening how they lie. It's pure selfishness to do this to someone you supposedly love.

You need to take care of yourself now. There's a LOT to process. Visit the healing library and a lawyer to find out what your rights are. This is a huge shock to the system and it takes a long time to crawl from the wreckage.

Stay close to your community here and never share it with him. Change all your passwords and start your own bank account if you haven't already.

Big hugs.

Thank you to you all for replying. It really helps to know that this group is here. I will definitely have a read of everything that you’ve suggested. It is very early days so I’m just taking one day at a time.
My H is answering all of my questions and wants us both to go and speak to separate counsellors. I know I need to speak to mine regardless of what the future holds.
I’m just stuck in a "this isn’t real" cycle at the moment. Nothing seems real and I want this feeling to stop.
I’m going to go and get myself checked out at a sexual health clinic too.
Thank you for being there ☺️

I do not mean to be harsh, but your reality is that he cheated because he wanted to. He did it, knowing it would hurt you badly and kept doing it and kept doing it and kept doing it. That is the person you were married to. He has no excuse. He might come up with 1000 of them, but the truth of the matter is he made a choice that could harm you. I recommend that you read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle.
One thing everyone, who has been cheated on, has to find is a way to get past it, one way or the other. He took your agency away from you and they from us. All of this life that was led unbeknownst to us could’ve harmed us and most certainly cost us family money. It takes a lot of grit to get through some of the things that people have been done to by their spouses. Mine was cheating on the road while he traveled. It was many years ago and he grew up and he does not do it anymore. However, I still have a husband who gave himself permission to cheat.
You definitely need to talk to a doctor about some help if you can’t sleep because it begins to impact your help.

Ma'am, I am so terribly sorry to read of your heinous betrayal. Truly. I hope you see two professionals pronto, the first being a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma recovery, the second being an attorney to discover your rights under the law should you divorce.

A few things:

We’ve spent the last 2 weeks taking non stop about it. He’s answered every question I’ve put to him. I’m hoping truthfully.

If youve read here and on other infidelity boards, you know the chances of complete truthfulness by a habitual liar/traitor are very low. Not impossibly so, but highly improbable. Hes been busted and, unless he just wants out, hes trying to soften the sharp edges of his treason. Dont doubt it.

He says he doesn’t love her. Has never loved her. And has never wanted to leave me for her.

He said he loves me and our kids and has absolutely no idea why he felt the need to have her in his life. He said it was just sex that was "offered on a plate".

See above. After conducting a 21 year betrayal, I do not believe your treasonous husband has an inkling of what the word "love" means, at least in the way you mean it. You're not even on the same planet. He's minimizing and placating. You cannot afford to buy what hes selling.

And, of course, what happens the next time sex is offered on a platter?

I’ve told him that it’s a relationship, a second life. Much more than an affair.

Of course you are spot on. Do not listen to his equivocations. They are less than meaningless.

I’m not sure he knows exactly how much this has devastated me. I feel like the last 21 years of my life, Marriage and family have been a lie. A sham. I look at him and I don’t know him.

He has not a clue. Like many waywards he has a giant hole in his soul where empathy should reside. Hes just scrambling now cause he got busted. I validate every single one of your feelings. My first wifes betrayal was short lived and it still called into question our entire history together, how could you not do the same many many times over?

Of course he’s remorseful. Said he’ll do whatever it takes to get through this. But he’s only remorseful because he’s been found out. If I hadn’t have had a gut feeling something wasn’t right it would still be going on. They’d still be having their sordid little sex chats and I’d be none the wiser.

He wants us to get some counselling. He said he has something wrong with him because he doesn’t know why he’s done this when he loves me and has everything at home. But I don’t know whether a counsellor can help me see past this? It’s gone on for way too long.

Strike "remorseful" and insert "regretful". Hes nowhere near true remorse. Yes, HE needs serious therapy on his own. Tell him he should see a therapist to help improve his state of being regardless of what happens with the remains of the "marriage" that he torched. Tell him to do it for himself and for your kids sakes and that you will look to your own well being. I highly advise against any couples therapy at this time at least.

What do I do? Do I give counselling a try? Or is this just too big to work with?

I feel like I’m living in a horrible nightmare and I’m going to wake up soon.

Right now, invest in yourself. He needs to clean up the disaster zone of his own life. See a therapist as often as your schedule allows. Spend regular time with trusted family and friends. Focus on nutrition, hydration and exercise. As I said, please see an attorney to determine your rights as to divorce. As to being too big to work with, not necessarily but it is a steep-to-vertical climb imo.

It is a nightmare but tragically, a waking one. However, you are not alone.

ETA: If there are photos on display in your home that bother you, take then down and box them. Replace with pics of your kids or general art pieces.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:08 PM, Tuesday, November 19th]

Numb&Broken,

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in the confusion, shock, and disbelief. My WH was living a double life during our 26 years of marriage, and I was clueless. I found out about the second life 2.5 months ago, and it's heartbreaking.

I've gotten on an anti-depressant and it makes a big difference, if you are a candidate for that, I encourage you to try it as you process this.

All the advice you've gotten here is excellent, and remember that the decision to stay or leave shouldn't be made while your emotional state is still so crazy. And the decision is YOURS, and yours alone, 100%.

I’m so very sorry.

He’s not the person you thought he was. It’s going to take time to put it all into perspective, and you need to give yourself that before you make any decisions.

He chose a life for himself where he gave himself permission to make thousand of decisions, tell lies on the regular, have sex with someone else and frankly steal family time for his side piece fun. That’s not a problem, that’s a lifestyle. That is selfish …off the charts entitlement.

He didn’t love her- that’s the takeaway from an 21 year betrayal- and the argument can be made that he doesn’t have a single clue as to what love is.

Add to that he stole your agency. He chose a life for you and fed you a fiction that you were his partner in life. For 21 years, all the while having one set of rules for him and another for you …..that only he knew. To me that will be as hard to accept as the cheating. You didn’t get a choice if you wanted to be with the authentic him. The entire him.

Change is possible. Any person who is willing to do the work with humility and transparency can live a better life. My question at this point is does he get it?

Does he know the damage he’s done? Does he know that he made your life a lie without your consent? That it’s not something some counseling will cure, he’s going to need intensive individual therapy. Does he know that rightfully so, people will reevaluate who he is and his role in their life once they find out? Does he know how much work and how long this is going to take? Is he ready for transparency in every single level and area of his life?

It is not your job to protect him. To keep who he has been hidden and protected. I believe that exposure to some extent is a real reality check for Waywards. Your choice untimely. And whatever it is ….. you will get support here.

Take your time. Be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by redrock at 1:31 AM, Wednesday, November 20th]

Cooley2here, thank you so much for your advice. I am so sorry you’ve been through what you have. I am so grateful to have found this group.

DobleTraicion, you have given me so much to think about, thank you. And I agree with everything you have said. I know I absolutely need to focus on myself right now and we definitely need counselling, but separately. I value everything you have said and can’t thank you enough for your honesty and directness, which is what I need right now.

Gray54, I am so sorry you’ve been through this too. Thank you, it helps to know I’m not alone.

Redrock, thankyou, you have given me a lot to think about and I agree, I think exposure o the way forwards. He might have been able to live a lie all these years but I can’t.

Thank you everyone, you really don’t appreciate how much you’re all helping me at this time 🙏🏼

I'm also a part of this club, but my late husband had multiple affairs and longterm relationships throughout our 32 year marriage and even before we married... and eventhough I had gut feelings and even proof (he contracted an infection from one of the women he was with), I still wanted to believe his lies of who he was presenting himself to be; an honest, faithful, loving, trusting husband and father, which he was none of those things.

He constantly lied to me, and I believed him, or wanted to believe him anyways. But deep down in my soul I knew the truth. But I didn't want to disrupt the family and our lives, so I stuck my head in the sand and he got to carry on with his secret double life. And it sucked. He also told me about his fantasies with these other women but in second person.

I now look back at my life with clarity and see how his behaviors changed me as a human being. And although I didn't want to admit it out loud, what he was doing behind my back created so many insecurities and caused me to be down on myself. And yet I was beautiful, fit and a loving, faithful wife and mother back then. But obviously I wasn't enough for him. His behaviors hurt me deeply and scarred me for life. But it is also important for me to tell you that since his death I am beginning to blossom into myself because I don't have to deal with his behaviors anymore. I am still hurting and now have headaches due to ptsd and the trauma he caused to me, and my soul aches often, I can still see the light and a bright future ahead of me. ☺️

Knowing what I know today, I wouldn't put up with any kind of bad, inappropriate behavior from a man again. Or anyone else for that matter. It has awakened me to the reality that there are some people you just can not trust. And unfortunately this has applied to my late husband, and now your husband too.

I am sorry for what your husband has done to and against you and the family. He willfully made 1000's of choices to meet up with this other women and even justified that what he was doing was okay. It would be interesting to know what he told her about you and the kid's throughout all of these years they were meeting up. I can't imagine that what he told her about all of you was any good. I'm betting that he bad mouthed all of you to justify his cheating lieing self.

HurtmyHeart, I’m so sorry to hear your story. But I’m empowered to hear how you are living now and can see the strength you have, which is inspiring.

I have actually been in contact with "the other woman" and we have exchanged several messages.
Now they’ve both been found out she is very apologetic.

Seems she has strong feelings for my Husband but knew he would never leave me for her, so she has never asked him to.
She says that she knows he loves me and my sons and that she was just his bit on the side. And that, even though she knows it was wrong, she was happy just to have that small part of him.

She wanted to reassure me that my marriage hasn’t been a sham, that he did love me and that she was just a small, insignificant part of his life. And that we could make our marriage work!

Oh yes that’s right, you’ve been sleeping with my Husband between 2003-2018 and then in contact via the phone for phone sex ever since. All behind my back.
Yet he loves he and we can get through this!

Then she tried to play herself as the victim because he has told her that he won’t be contacting her anymore.
I really do feel like I’m having an out of body experience 🙈

Seems she has strong feelings for my Husband but knew he would never leave me for her, so she has never asked him to.
She says that she knows he loves me and my sons and that she was just his bit on the side. And that, even though she knows it was wrong, she was happy just to have that small part of him.

She wanted to reassure me that my marriage hasn’t been a sham, that he did love me and that she was just a small, insignificant part of his life. And that we could make our marriage work!

Ummmmmm, yeh, but no.

Ive read some utterly brazen stuff on this site but this may take the cake. Im also smellin' your wayward H, as in a desperate cya attempt.

May I advise you never speak to his AP ever again? There is nothing helpful to learn from someone of her ilk and to think she has the gall to give you marriage advise 😳🙄. Good grief....cue the face palm. What a load of cr@p 🤢🤮

Question for you, how are your kids and other family members responding to all of this?

I don’t know how you didn’t punch the OW😡😡!

If you want a laugh my H’s OW went on social media and posted how "she would never remain with a cheater" and "only losers stay with a cheater".

The irony is that it is ok to be the OW but not ok to reconcile with a cheater.

Stupid cheater mentality 🤪.

I hope your H is in counseling to figure out why he did what he did. That should be his step 1 in making amends.

I am so sorry for you. I had a very good friend in your position - her H of 10 years was a serial cheater with three OW and a fiancée! My friend was humiliated because the neighbors knew, all his friends and colleagues knew — everyone but her and her family knew about the OW who had his baby, plus the fiancée and two OW. Luckily she had no kids and dumped him ASAP.

Three years later she got a phone call from the young and dumb fiancée. They married. Had a baby. And he’s now cheating on her. She’s devastated.

Some people never change. Hopefully your H can and does.

Good heavens. What nerve! Blockity, block block block! Numb, block her on all social media, phone and email. You're experiencing trauma - the last thing you need is OW drama adding stress. Bet he did have a hand in OW messaging you - does indeed feel like a blatant joint effort to cover-his-a** AND manipulate you. From your description, looks like she also got something out of the interactions - involvement in "saving" the marriage puffed up her sense of self-importance. Yes, seems she couldn't resist the opportunity to help him triangulate you.

"In psychology, triangulation is a manipulation tactic where a third party is used to influence the interactions and emotions of two people involved in a conflict. It can occur in a variety of settings, including families, romantic relationships, and the workplace."

Protect yourself. Don't play a part in their drama. You're his partner of 30 years, not the hypotenuse of their triangle! Bonus - refusal to engage deflates any centrality they hope to gain. Takes away their titillation when you don't participate.

ETA:

I’m going from feeling completely numb, to upset, to disbelief and back to numb again. I haven’t been angry and I don’t know why. It just doesn’t seem real, this can’t be true.

Hang in there Numb! You will get through this. It's early days. Those feelings of numbness and disbelief are 100% rational. You're grieving the loss of the marriage, the theft of reality as you believed it to be. Search the term "stages of grief" to see if the concept resonates. For me, progressing through the denial, bargaining, etc. stages to a calm place of acceptance (not forgiveness!) wasn't a linear process. I'd cycle through the expected emotions, but always moved through them aimed at the long term goal of gaining a foothold in my new reality. Took me a few weeks to move out of denial (Who the heck is this man? WTF am I married to?) into righteous anger. Skipped over the bargaining phase, thank goodness. The process is different for everyone. IMO, don't resist righteous anger. Embrace it. I learned that righteous indignation can be a useful tool. It lit a fire in my belly to do what was needed to take care of ME for a change. And be kind to yourself! This is ALL on him - nothing you did or didn't do made him betray.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 2:00 PM, Friday, November 22nd]

Please get book "Betrayal Bind" and read it and have husband read it. He has no clue yet the damage he has done.

You CAN GET THROUGH THIS. It will be a long process. Also, draw near to God, He has lead me through process. Also, Jake Porters work is great

What you are feeling is normal.

Unfortunately, when this happens, is usually a shit load of stuff to uncover.

My FWS had a very short affair nine years into our marriage after we had four children. Successfully hiding the truth about it for nine additional years, and after six months of marital counseling, finally caving in and telling a large number of "truths"about herself, her past, and a whole bunch of other stuff. The affair was just the tip of the iceberg. She had been lying to me from the moment she met me.

Your mileage may vary, you will have to figure out what you actually have in your marriage. Good luck, it will not be an easy trip, you can get a lot of good advice here, some of it will apply to your case and some will not, just keep in mind that you are not alone and this has nothing to do with you except you are dealing with thecollateral damage caused by your spouse's behaviors.

Thank you again everyone.

It was actually me that contacted her first. My H had no idea. I wanted her to know, after 20+ years of their sordid antics, that I now know and that I am now in control. It actually made me feel better to confront her and tell her what I think of her.

I’m almost definitely not contacting her again and will be blocking her on every level – I just needed to have my say with Her.

My sons do not know yet and I’m absolutely petrified about telling them, but I know that I have to. One of my sons is fragile, having suffered with his mental health in recent years. And has said that this Christmas is the first Christmas that he’s looking forward to since he was a child.
So I have already decided to keep playing happy families and not to tell them until the New Year.

I have only told a close family member and two close friends. H has told two close friends and one of them has contacted me to say that they are absolutely disgusted with him and that they do not know him at all.

It’s the ripples of all of this isn’t it? It doesn’t just affect me and my sons. Thank you for the book recommendation, I will definitely be reading it.

Sorry, forgot to say, family and friends that I have told are absolutely in shock. Never saw this coming and never thought him capable of doing it. Aways thought of him a a hard working family man who loved his family.
They are worried how I stay with him, get professional help and try to save our marriage. Must admit, I just don’t know but it’s only been 2 weeks since I found out so I know it’s very early days.

I'm new to this group as well and I can say that I'm glad it's here and for all those who have been betrayed and share their experiences. It's really helping me.

It's been a little over 30 days since I confronted my wife (19th of the month) and 19 November was a tough day for me. She still maintains that the affair was my fault, if I would have paid more attention, taken more interest in the things she enjoys doing etc. After coming here and being reassured that this wasn't my fault - it was a choice she made (I freely admit I could have taken more interest in her hobbies) I feel somewhat vindicated.

I want to reconcile and while she said in no uncertain terms that this is over, we have had a few conversations on topics other than the separation of our assets (which I am slow rolling hoping not to have to undo any more that needed). We are living apart, while I would have said we were fortunate to own 2 homes, the beach condo is where she has decided to stay for the time being, which is where the affair occurred. I am staying in our main home some 50 miles away surrounded by our 43 years of memories. I have offered her the opportunity to come to the house (I would absent to avoid confrontation) to retrieve personal items, clothing, pictures of our children (her parents ashes) she declined not really giving a reason. I really don't know how to take this? Is she hedging her bets and not wanting to close the door completely?

This living arrangement is very easy for her. At the beach community she is enveloped in a world that is easy to erase me from. Here, I am surrounded by our family, friends and memories, its been excruciating. She has asked that I not tell anyone about the affair (particularly our adult children). In the interest of a possible reconciliation I have been maintaining appearances but it is shaking me to my core.

We had made Thanksgiving plans to travel to my 85 year old mother's home for a large family celebration (Mom doesn't have many more of these left). I asked how I should make her regrets for not attending but to my shock and dismay, she said she's attending. Her plan is to travel separately arriving just before dinner and departing right after dinner. I'm stunned! I asked if she planned on announcing that we're getting a divorce at this gathering (she said that wasn't her plan). I'm terrified of how this may unfold!