SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all!

First time posting in new beginnings! I’ve lurked for a while.

Quick background. I found texts on that fateful Dday over 4 years ago. I was pregnant with our 2nd child when he had a PA. my son was 16 days old when I found out. Tried to reconcile which only lasted a few weeks as he was still in contact with ow. I filed. Been divorced now over 3 years.

The good: I survived. I became a single mother with ease (he was a dead weight, never actually helped with the parenting or housework. Always tired from work even though I also worked) I bought my own house. Got a better paid job and did a lot of work on me. I’m independent and much stronger.

The bad: xwh is stlll with ow. They’ve just bought a house. In the beginning I got a lot of abuse from her saying she won and a lot of other hurtful things. As much as I never want the pos back my thoughts do venture to feeling like I can see how she thinks she did win. They can play happy families with my children and now live together. They both got better paid jobs after being sacked (he was her manager). I can’t deny it all stings. Will these feelings ever go? I’m hoping it just takes time. I look back at how far I’ve came from the hysterical crying and pain in the beginning. I feel like I’m being bitter that I still want them to break up. But clearly that’s not happening. Maybe it’s just human nature to feel like this!

Anyways thanks so much for reading! Any advice Or any of your experiences would be much appreciated

I got a lot of abuse from her saying she won and a lot of other hurtful things. As much as I never want the pos back my thoughts do venture to feeling like I can see how she thinks she did win.

Have you ever noticed elsewhere in your life that people who are experiencing a public "shaming" of some kind (big or small) will use language to deflect or (in their minds) overshadow that shame?

I can think of a few examples of that. No one is understanding or going along with their idea at work, so they explain to the group that they have a master's degree in that subject (huge cringe). They can't figure out a new piece of technology at work, so they blame the technology itself. They are caught talking behind someone's back, so they immediately start talking 2x speed to try to act like they *weren't* gossiping. Etc.

I think this is like that. The ow claiming that she "won" is sooooooo stupid, it almost defies logic. But it's a way to deflect from the very real shame that came along with her having an affair.

They both got better paid jobs after being sacked (he was her manager).

They could now make a million bucks a year, but there is nothing that can overshadow the shame of losing your job for having an affair. You will *always* "win" in that sense. Anyone who knows this story (not an edited version) will think that AP is an absolute idiot. No question at all.

I feel 100% certain that 1) this woman was hurtful to you, claiming a "win" as a coping mechanism, and 2) their relationship continues *also* as a coping mechanism. Unfortunately, that type of relationship can go on indefinitely. They need to "prove" how "real" and "good" it all is.

This is all secondary to your question.

Will these feelings ever go?

They will. There are certainly others who have more experience with exWS ending up with AP for the long term, but I do have experience with exWS having AP move in and "playing house" with my kids. It lasted about two years.

It definitely takes time. And I'll admit it was easier when the AP was finally gone, but my issues and feelings faded little by little as I kept taking active steps to move on with my life. The scars stay, of course.

On some level, yeah, I do think it's human nature to feel this way!

Hi BH29.

She won? Lets look at that. She gave up her integrity. He gave up his integrity. And they did it for people who lie, cheat, and have not concept of honor or honesty. They are playing happy family in a house that is built over a giant sinkhole. They are about appearances and nothing else. She badmouths you — can you scream INSECURE any louder than that?

Let’s see. You dumped the deadweight, kept your honesty, integrity, and honor. You bought a home built on a foundation of strength, truth, and self-respect. You are raising your children in that manner so they too will have those attributes.

She can keep her booby prize. You won the freakin’ jackpot.

Block her—he’s the kids’ dad, but use tools and software and gray rock to put as big a wall between you and them. Protect yourself and keep on being amazing.

It takes time, it takes you not looking at their lies and appearances. Keep reframing it from the facades they are putting up to the reality of their shittiness. Don’t believe their lies. Seriously- you are a single mom rock star and I am impressed.

I hope so, but I don't know yet.

I've been divorced for over 7 years and I still feel it. My XWW destroyed our marriage, our family, and damn near destroyed me. OM and XWW broke up before the divorce was final. I heard she was riding the carousel for a few years after that. Now she’s living with some guy. It sucks to see her finding love and moving on while I work hard and raise our kids to young adults.

I’m still alone and have no love in my life besides my kids. Even though they live with me, it’s still lonely at times. As the years go by, I feel it’s less likely that I will have a romantic relationship again. I'm guessing that I'm older than you and maybe that's why I find myself loosing motivation to even go out and meet anyone.

Thank you so much for all your responses.

Barelybreathing I’ve had the ow blocked for years now. The last hurtful thing she threw at me was a vile joke about my mother being dead. After that I knew I couldn’t argue or speak with such a revolting person. I don’t pain shop anymore as that took me down the rabbit hole. I’m doing much better in trying to put a safety wall around me and trying to move forward it’s just these thoughts and feelings that creep in.

Okokok my xwh feel massive shame regarding losing his job. He blames me for it for informing his employer and has never accepted responsibility instead saying I got him sacked. He freaking loved that job more than anything. It’s good to hear that time is needed and it is just human nature.

Decimated im so sorry that you are still hurting. It’s very scary to try put yourself back out there after being crushed. You will be your kids hero and their rock. They are lucky to have you and I truly hope you find happiness within yourself again

I haven’t been on this sight in several years. Quick background- I am divorced 1 year now-I was cheated on twice- 1st time I tried to reconcile- went to counseling for a year by myself- finally demanded he go or at least help me through all the issues- he refused. I found out he was already with someone else while I was working night work and he was out of work. Here is my problem- it has been 3 years since he has been with her - I finally kicked him out and he moved in with her and currently is still with her.

My problem is I hate it will all my heart! I don’t know how to get past all these sad feelings. I never wanted the divorce but you can’t stay with someone who doesn’t want you.

My dilemma is when will these feelings go awa? I know I am better off in so many ways but deep down I don’t want their relationship to work out! I don’t know if I will be able to see her at family functions without totaling losing it- we have 3 children - 20’s and 18 so there is a whole future to get through! Need advice!

I don't think it ever goes away. It's a loss, and they never quite go away as much as they stop being in the foreground. Not different from other types of losses. The bigger the loss the harder to put away. I lost my mother in college, and from time to time I still feel sad and upset. Same with the A and D. I have moved on, and live what some would say is a fabulously enviable life. I still grieve the loss of my marriage and the future I thought I had. I still get mad at what he did to me. It's just not every moment or every day. For me the A is three years ago and the D is one and a half years finalized. I have been completely NC shortly after D was finalized, I suppose luckily because we have no children. It still hurts that I was in the middle of fertility treatments when he started the A, but I have to look at the bright side that he told me before I ever actually got pregnant.

I think it's like any injury... Some you can heal with no scars whatsoever, and some leave you with scars or recurring complications. Affairs are a huge injury to your personage. Do your best to mitigate any further complications or comorbitidities, and live the life you have. It's all I think we can do...

[This message edited by Simplicity at 9:52 AM, May 5th (Tuesday)]

I can relate to this so much....

I’ve been separated about a year & half and official divorced 2 months. Although I don’t pain shop anymore, I feel like I’m just waiting for the day it gets back to me how they are still together and any details about the progression of their relationship (like house...marriage... kids). I try not to think about it or wish anything really, but deep down I really hope their relationship crumbles.

I too am grateful we didn’t have kids, but also so hurt that I’m now 32 and have to start over with trauma/wounds to heal in tow.

In the beginning I got a lot of abuse from her saying she won and a lot of other hurtful things.

If she ever opens her yap to say anything like that to you again, you tell her... "You can roll a turd in glitter and make it sparkle, but it's still a turd." Don't say anything else. Just wink like you've given her the inside scoop and leave.

Cheaters don't get character transplants. They're still the same, selfish people they were when they were sneaking around like a couple of burglars. And regardless of what they tell themselves, they KNOW what they did, and when they look at each other, they know the kind of duplicity each is capable of. You are well and truly OUT of the "pick me" contest, but OW will be dancing that jig for as long as they're together. That is, unless he's meek, and if he is, he's just saddled himself with the cruelest boss he'll ever have. Bear in mind that the same insecurities which caused her to needle you don't go away. And HE is the one in close proximity to that big steaming cauldron of bunny-boiling crazy.

Cheaters seem nearly obsessed with Image Management, and they often go well out of their way to encourage people to think all is wonderful. But... no matter how much they roll the turd in glitter... it's still a turd.

((hugs))

My 26th anniversary will be in 2 days. I am getting a divorce. I agree we are grieving a major loss. And we need to. I expect that painful ache, or sadness will never go away. At some point we will think of it less, the ache will get smaller, and joy will come back.

We have lost so much, the partner we thought we knew, the marriage we thought we had or the marriage dreamed of, and the version of our future selves in our happily ever after dreams. If we don’t grieve the ache will never lessen.

At some level I blame myself, for not seeing it, for having hope, for dreaming, for marrying him, for not demanding he be different.. I need to forgive myself, and comfort myself like I would a friend. I am not there yet, when;I get there the hurt will lessen.

My husband cheated for 10 years. Had a girlfriend for 5. When I am honest with myself, I can see that he has always walked away from me. Every day of his cheating, but the last time was after two years of wanting to reconcile, when I was finally at a point of saying yes.. he said no,

So yes, it hurts. No the hurt will not go away. The pain of being rejected by the person who promised to love you.. that is surely over.

Maybe because we call it hurt, maybe that implies healing..the daily pain Is over, now it is just healing..

I know I am better than I was 2 years ago, 1year ago.

Well, I probably shouldn’t respond when I can’t sleep but am tired.

Hugs to you all, may you feel a little more happiness today.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:34 PM, May 12th (Tuesday)]

Why would you want them to break up? They can bring more misery upon each other while still together. Please don't ever think for one second that he's capable of being happy with her. If they're still together it's because he has too much pride to admit he screwed up.

I went NC as much as possible with my ex, so o disnt find out until a few years later just how miserable Shrek and Xhole made each other. And it really was just a fluke that I found out. From the outside looking in, he seemed better off without me and that no justice occurred. The best part was that by the time I did find out, I couldn't have cared less.

Thank you for this post...I've been struggling with the same feelings...D after 30yrs together. He's with a woman who is also married -to a disabled man- so my struggle has been why would he take up with someone who can offer no future?

It's been about 18mos since D and I am sick of myself giving him time in my thoughts...I know I'm so much better off w/out a lying, cheating a.hole,,,but i am also frustrated that I feel stuck? Not interested in dating...I tried and seem to attract men who are Hobo-sexuals...I guess time will continue to heal..

Separated 2.5 years after 26 married. The rule of thumb is 1 year for every six together, so 5 years is...such a bummer.

The other day for the first time, for just a fleeting moment, I felt like I was the person I was before I met her.

Marriage, family, separation all changed me. But I actually felt unwarped for a minute - like I was finally recovered from the trauma of what living with the ex was like.

I will never live the life I planned and worked for from here on. I have not reconciled myself to that yet, but I keep at it.

I will never live the life I planned and worked for from here on. I have not reconciled myself to that yet, but I keep at it.

^^THIS. I feel this so deeply. So many things about my life has changed, and many of them positive, but the life I planned is gone FOREVER as I knew it. Time to make a new plan. It's just hard to let the old plan go...

You’re still the mirror image of my story. My ex married POSOM 2 years ago and have been playing house for 3 years. Everything looks like rainbows and unicorns in their world. Although neither lost their job, my ex took a CEO position at an even bigger company, and POSOM was promoted to a higher ranking job in his company. Not sure if he’s still giving interview on national TV as a spokesman for infidelity victims any more, but that was only his side gig.

I’ve been in a relationship with a pretty awesome woman for the past 2 years, but it’s not easy. She has teenage boys who don’t treat her with the respect she deserves, and her ex has pretty much abandoned his parenting duties, so she has her boys full time. Her dad has dementia, so her parents can’t really help her any more, and she’s had to be a parent to her parents as well as her kids.

It pains me that my ex and her POSOM are still together, and it’s sucks that my relationship isn’t as “easy” as theirs appears to be. My DDs seem to like POSOM, and fortunately, they like my girlfriend. But, I still hurt. I’m not healed. No justice was brought to my ex or her clown of a husband. They just seem to get more and more benefits. And my exWW can’t seem to go a week without harassing me about something via email.

I feel your pain. I know all of this is temporary, and eventually, with time, we will overcome and not be so burdened by all of this.

I just want to add that while she may be playing house with your kids - she isn't their mom. She never will be and I guarantee that if she is still around when they are old enough to form a real relationship with her they will see what type of horrid person she is - and not just because she had an affair and broke up a family, but because she did that and then had the entitlement to abuse you and make it even harder.

And although they are together now, they are two cheaters in the same relationship and I wouldn't tie your happiness to them breaking up, but I would just rest in the fact that it will end and in the ending at least one of them will experience the pain they put you through.

YES...the hurt can and WILL go away .

My 1st H cheated on me after only 3 months into our M. I did the "pick me dance" like a PRO and I WON...he came back. Only...I caught him with a 2nd adultery co-conspirator about 2 years later . By this time...we had a child...so when he left me for the adultery co-conspirator...things were a LOT rougher than they were the 1st time he cheated.

But...I met and married a wonderful man who adopted my child and we had other children as well . Life was GOOD until after 28 years of marriage...HE cheated . It was a different outcome this time around though...and we are happily in R!

To say life was ROUGH after my 1st H left me was an understatement. He didn't pay child support or help in an way financially. It was so hard to make ends meet until thankfully I was able to find a 2nd job. I didn't get to spend as much time with our child...but at least I was able to put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

Out of spite...my H took our child from daycare once without my permission. Back in the 80's it was a LOT different with regards to child support and even to custody. Things were so scary knowing that he had family in another state who could hide my child from me and law enforcement back then didn't regard it as kidnapping!! Thankfully my baby was returned to me...but my 1st H wanted to show me how EASY it was for him to take everything from me . I was so BROKEN back then.

My 1st H left his new "shiny" about 2 weeks after he left me . He then decided...after I started seriously dating the man who became my 2nd H...that I was THE ONE . Too little too late. He went on to have another child with a woman...then she left him after finding out he cheated on her. He is now married to another woman...for probably 25 years. He abused her children. CPS was called to the house and they gave her a choice...her kids stay and he leaves the house. Or...her husband stays and the kids leave. She CHOSE for her H to stay . Her children and his children are all grown now...and NONE of the children want to have anything to do with them. They don't get to have family dinners...or holidays...or even PRECIOUS time with their grandbabies.

My 1st H had cheated in every relationship he had. I don't know for sure...but I have no doubt that he has cheated in this last M as well. It has been over 35 years since I caught my 1st H cheating for the 2nd time...that I know of...and I have NEVER regretted my decision to D him . I can attest that SOME cheaters can change for the better...my 2nd H has done it. But my 1st H never did...and THOSE types are the ones who deserve to be with someone just like them!!!

I just want to let ALL of you know to hang in there...BETTER times ARE coming your way . The struggles I went through in my 1st M made me appreciate all the BLESSINGS I received in my life! I also got STRONGER...and immediately told my 2nd H that the M was over as soon as he confessed to his A on Dday. I later decided to R...but it was on MY terms .

Here's to WONDERFUL new beginnings for everyone !!!

Add me to the list of "it gets better, I promise!"

Everyone had really great things to say, let me add one thing: When you were together, did you look "happy" from the outside? I was married for 16yrs and the last 7 were hell. However, from the outside, we looked "happy" So when my ex got with his OW, they also looked "happy" but he was doing the same shit to her that he did to me.

Point is, you only see what the OW wants you to see and she is biased because she's in the "I won" mindset that has nothing to do with the actual relationship.

I'm 6years free and can now say that I feel I've moved on from him. He taught me a LOT about myself so for that I'm grateful <3 Once I stopped feeling like he brought any value to my life it was easier to move forward.

Hehe I can relate to "I had to do everything because they were always tired after work, despite me working too" in a big way. Always wondered how these people could survive being single (in a word, they usually can't and always are bouncing between relationships...)

In the beginning I got a lot of abuse from her saying she won and a lot of other hurtful things. 

What a vile, despicable woman. Like some of the others have said, she never will have "won" because she will always have the stain of what she did, especially with this attitude!

I thought about this recently in my own experience. No matter what exWW's AP does or accomplish, he will always be an AP to me and I know the truth. It hurts to think what eXWW did, but I don't for a second lose sleep thinking AP won.

Lol if the OW was smart, she should be more worried about what you can say about her to other people. Maybe that's why she has said those horrible things to you, to put you on the defensive in the past.

I’m absolutely overwhelmed by the responses here. Thanks everyone who had taken the time to to reply.

It’s good to know that their is life after death (of a marriage) and the pain will become less.

GottheShaft so good to hear from you. Our timelines and stories are still so similar. I honestly can’t believe your xww is still living the good life with no consequences. I do believe though that losing you, a nice, loyal man is her consequence. I do like the saying we don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. She threw away a diamond for a rock.

ChamomileTea your response is so right, it’s all image management. From the outside they are doing so well, big fancy house, new jobs. Seemingly perfect. But inside he can’t do anything without her permission (even have his children, he has to ask her if it’s ok) The house is in his name as she couldn’t get on the mortgage due to having bad credit and debt. He bought himself a kettle and toaster and his mother told me she hated it and went out and bought another kettle and toaster. He has become meek and I don’t recognise him at all. Even buying a big house he can’t afford. He hated spending money and wanted us to have the bare minimum (small house, no holidays etc) so she clearly is the boss.

I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My happiness cannot be dependent on their relationship falling apart.

Thanks again everyone for your input it truly means so much