SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure where to put this ... Mods please let me know if I should go elsewhere.

I'm a hot mess right now, pardon the language.

My BH says he wants to have a 6 month PA and that it's only fair because of my actions.

BH says he will tell me everything I want to know. I don't know if I would want to know. I did ask three things from him 1. To always wear a condom 2. No coworkers 3. Not to bring it into our home.

But as soon as I said those words my stomach got an ill feeling.

Part of me says fuck if this is what it takes to keep my family together and for BH and I to come back together then DO IT!!! But part of me is SCREAMING WTF is wrong with you ... Why would you agree to this?!?

I know I'm dealing with self-esteem issues and I already have a hard time seeing my value. I don't know what to do!?!

I love this man so much!!! This weekend we had a wonderful day as a family. BH and I even had sex, he initiated. So I don't know if BH is riding the emotional rollercoaster or if this is something he really wants to do.

I know I'm riding the emotional rollercoaster. This isn't the first time BH has talked about doing this. I know he hasn't done anything yet. And just the thought is killing me and I have nightmares, where I see him going down on other women and then fucking them. I feel like I "owe" it to him and show him I can be faithful and loyal and stick by his side the way he had been by mine.

Has any WS or BH every done something like this?

Am I just being weak or will this show my strength?

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 9:12 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

Two wrongs never make a right. It feels like there is a synergy in him having an affair, but that is a fallacy. Read posts by mad hatters. It complicates things so much more, and they are hard enough.

All BS understand his thinking— it went through all our minds. But it is the wrong answer.

Read the posts by mad hatters. It solves nothing.

@Bearly

If I know and I'm "allowing" his PA would it still be a mad hatter situation? He said he would have no guilt.

As a WW I feel like I don't have a right to try to put my foot down and say no I will not accept this.

I will read the mad hatter posts to try to understand more.

Should I tell my BH I'm having crazy anxiety with just the thought of this happening? I hate this!! BH works graveyard and I'm not sleeping because of my nightmares. I can only sleep when he is at home.

I feel I should be stronger than I'm acting/responding.

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 9:32 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

Does he truly want to do this, or is he trying to get a reaction from you?

I would be honest with him and tell him that it is torture to think of and that you don't want him to do it and that you want to come up with a healthy way to help him heal.

If you OK this it might feel to him like you don't give a shit about him.

Why 6 months? Does he already have somebody in mind? By my count you had one instance of sex and one BJ, right? Then an EA? How does that equal a 6 month PA? Just wondering what his logic is here.

Say no. Explain that adding more people to your mess of a marriage in no way solves things. That now is the time to focus on the two of you. Together, via IC and via MC.

It could lead to disease, pregnancy, feelings, she could end up being a psycho, etc.

You are NOT obligated to give him permission to go have sex with another woman.

Don’t do it. Frankly, find your self respect. Fast.

Does he truly want to do this, or is he trying to get a reaction from you?

Honestly I don't know anymore, two weeks ago I would say he was trying to get a reaction from me. But today I don't know?

In the last 1.5wks BH has said mean things to me just to hurt me. He cut my face out of the family photo he had in his wallet.

He is hurt and I caused it and I know it.

I'll be open and vulnerable with BH and share all my feelings about this with him. I don't want to make anything else about me anymore but I can't really function with this idea floating around in my heart and head.

I'm a BS. I get the wanting to lash out and hurt the WS.

But that's like trying to put out a campfire by dousing it with gasoline and fireworks.

Yeah it might kill the campfire. But the more likely outcome is that the forest catches fire and burns whole towns to ash.

Land,

6 month because that's how long my PA was. And I truly don't think he has a person in mind.

It could lead to disease, pregnancy, feelings, she could end up being a psycho, etc

Those thoughts are also flying around in my head.

I do need to find myself respect but I have so much angry inside of me for myself. I don't know what I deserve anymore.

His thinking is inline with what is known as a "revenge affair". It's common for a BS to think that way. In his mind this will "even the score". It won't, and you BOTH know it. It's a reaction. He's still hurt and confused. This will NOT solve anything for him to do this. It will only make things worse for both of you.

I don't mean to mitigate or invalidate anyone's feelings, but, it's a "phase" of the hurt/healing process. This is all so sad for anyone to have to deal with... :-((

You deserve a chance to be a better person. To grow. To be somebody you love. All waywards deserve that chance (some fail, and you don’t have to be one of them).

What if you say yes and he decides that’s not punishment enough? Maybe then he needs payment for the EA? Maybe then he needs payment for the BJs he missed out on? Where does it end?

It’s a never ending cycle and really, nobody wins here.

I'm sorry, 15yrs... but that guy is actively trying to HURT you. That's not love.

Seriously. What does he have to do to make it clear to you that he WANTS to see you SUFFER? He WANTS to see your pain. Have you ever hated anyone enough to deliberately hurt them? I haven't. Not really. I've been angry before and said all sorts of mad things, but I've never ACTIVELY sought to injure someone. There's simply no excuse for that. I mean, really... close your eyes and imagine DELIBERATELY hurting someone and how craven you have to be in your soul to want to do that.

IMHO, you would do well to see an attorney and start protecting yourself. In fact, I'd get a voice-activated recorder and keep it on my person all the time, just in case he tries anything.

((big hugs)) I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please watch your back.

I don't know what I deserve anymore.

To get OUT of infidelity.

Chamomile,

What does it say about me when I feel I deserve the pain?

I'm not feeling strong, I don't know who I am without my BH. I've been with him since I was 20... I'm 36 now. I can't imagine my life without him and I do not want to.

I know this is not healthy thinking but it's where I'm at... And this is why I start IC this week. And I did start working again so that has helped me feel stronger but unfortunately it has also created a new anxiety. BH is an amazing father and takes our younger kiddo to the park almost every day and I fear he will meet someone prettier, smarter, better than me. I've lost so much weight in the past weeks I don't feel good about my body and it's really messing with my already low self-esteem. I've always had body image issues but I know for sure I don't look good now ... I'm less than 100lbs and I'm 5ft. I'm struggling with gaining weight because my whole childhood my Father would tell me I'm fat...I'm in a constant internal battle. I know I need to gain but the moment I see the numbers get bigger I feel like I'm going to get fat.

sorry, for going off on a vent. I don't really have any other place to let this stuff out at .... Journaling only does so much.

Glad you are in IC.

You say your BH is a great dad. What would he be modeling for your kids?

That would not be great parenting— and how much time would that take from the kids?

If he’s just lashing out widely from pain, then I totally get it. I went a bit nuts, too.

But if he is making this a condition of R, then you have to say no. For you. For your kids.

What do you tell your kids? Do you tell them to be the bigger person? To work it out with words? or do you say double down and do the same crappy thing?

Look, you’re a WS. But you are still a mom and still a human. You get to have some boundaries. This is one.

Is your BH in IC? I needed it to help me manage the crazy thoughts.

At 36 sweetie, you're still so young. You can't even imagine what I'd give to be 36 again. You're way too young to settle for less than you deserve, and believe me... you deserve soooo much more than what you're getting right now.

Frankly, there always comes a point in life where we have to take off all the different hats we wear; wife, daughter, mother, friend, coworker... and figure out WHO WE ARE. That time came for me when my fWH went on a cheating spree. It's come for you now, while you're dealing with your husband's irrational response to an incident that happened 16 years ago and things he knew about before he even proposed. And not to rehash your other thread here, but I'll say again, it is my honest opinion that he has NOT learned anything really new which would merit such a malicious response.

Try what we talked about... do some active mothering for your inner child. You know as well as I do that if your baby came to you at 5'2" weighing less than 100 pounds, you'd be nourishing her. So, do that. Make it happen. And if you're having trouble keeping food down, eat in small portions more frequently and try some protein shakes. Make sure you're getting a multivitamin and keeping yourself hydrated. Read that book I recommended to you. Try the Big/Little exercise where you imagine yourself at about 4 years old and listen to what your "Little" is anxious about. She'll tell you if you listen. And that gives YOU the chance to be there for her, to be the Big one she can count on. That little girl is still inside you, yes. But the reality is that you are a grown-up now, and you ARE competent and capable of taking care of your "Little". You're stronger than you know... in the way, mothers are strong for their children. Don't wait for your IC to tell you that you are ENOUGH. Believe it NOW. You are enough. Me the mom for your kids and also for inner child inside who didn't have one.

This life you have now might have been all you've known, but it's not all there IS. There's so much more. Don't let a man, any man, define YOUR value. You decide your worth. And let me tell you, the case your husband has made against you doesn't define WHO YOU ARE. You get to decide that, and in the end... no one else's opinion matters.

((HUGE MAMABEAR HUGS)))

I just want to second everything ChamomileTea said.

Well, he is honest about what he thinks he needs to do to help with his healing, which is to basically get a hall-pass. Maybe it will help him, maybe it won't.

If you can't accept it, just leave, why all the fuss? Unless you're living in the Middle East or similar patriarchal society, nobody is forcing you to stay in the marriage. What's all the fuss about?

15yrs,

From reading your previous threads, it sounded like you guys were heading toward divorce.

What changed?

From reading your previous threads, it sounded like you guys were heading toward divorce.

What changed?

Honestly, I don't know what is going on in my marriage at the moment. BH is still processing.

This is him trying to even the playing field. He wants to feel wanted, desired by someone other than his wife. IMHO even if he goes to have an affair, should it be called an affair? Because he is not hiding it from you. He told you before acting on it. It's more like one side open relationship. His side open, yours closed.

I as a BS also wanted to have RA but couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me to have RA. But the urge was there. And I DID let my WS know this.

If he wants to have RA then it's about him not about you. He feels emasculated because you performed bj enthusiastically on OM but he got it only after many years. He chooses to stay with you after your affair and trickle truth. Now it's upto you if you can for his 6 months affair (more like one side open marriage).