SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi!

I'm not sure how to past a link to my past threads on my story, but the 20c version is, WW cheated with AP, willingly and enthusiastically engaged in multiple sexual acts with AP that have always been verboten in our sexlife (many of which would be considered vanilla to most), leaving passionless starfish sex for me, and almost anything goes with AP. DD was orchestrated during the depths of covid lockdowns between WW and her IT, with me being broadsided by WW and IT during one of her sessions. IT and WW had worked out strategy, along with a reconciliation pathway for us both to commence, and with covid, I wasn't going anywhere, so I was initially trading the path laid out for me.

R was difficult, with the sex acts freely offered to AP still emphatically denied in our bedroom. WW maintained that she was "playing a role" and that "other person" was "not her". Feel free to read the other thread (perhaps a mod can link to it - It was titled

"Not sure I can move past this..."

As you can imagine, things have not worked out, and I had decided to call time on the marriage, however for finance and child raising responsibilities, this has been difficult.

Things have been, as you would expect, quite up and down. WW and I are awaiting the 12 month timeframe to finalise divorce as is required here, but our assets and finances are largely separate at this point. We are still co-habitating, with WW taking over the guest room. Prior to the decision day, WW and I were seeing separate IC's individually, and a separate MC and Sex Therapist (ST) together, with individual sessions as required.

After the decision to split, I have continued with IC and ST (as an individual) to help my mental health and attitudes. WW has also continued ST and IC as she recognised her attitudes were unhealthy for her.

The ST has been good. As you can imagine, our case is a little different, as we are seeing the ST separately (as we are splitting), which means that we have only had 3 sessions where we were together. Personally, I have found the ST to be extremely useful in unpacking some of the sexual baggage I didn't even know I had! Some of my attitudes towards sex were unhelpful, although not nearly as puritanical as my WW was.

WW is finding ST challenging (so she tells me), as she is being faced with the idea that the "sexual monster" that she let loose (as she referred to it), is not a separate person or character, but is an innate part of who she is, and one she needs to embrace if she is to have healthy sexual relationships moving forward.

This has led to an unexpected reaction on my part - after I reached the realization that even if WW becomes healthier in her sexual life and attitudes, I will never experience those things from her. Her AP had that - but not me! I have had to grieve the sexual relationship with my wife that I will never experience. She will work through her puritanical attitudes, and her future partners will benefit from that, but not me. The part of my life with her is over, but she is still here, and I carry the knowledge of what might-have-been, had she decided not to deny me what was thrown at AP.

I have been angry, sad, bargained, the full spectrum over these past months. Anyone else experienced this, and how long can I expect to be feeling this.

WW is still keen to reconcile, but call me shallow, but I just cannot settle for an "acceptable subset" of the things she was willing to do with AP, even if the sexual menu is now larger, I know I will always feel like the booby prize.

Not sure what response I'm looking for here, but to be honest, just writing it down helps - weirdly.

Cheers and thanks for reading.

AN.

Not sure what response to offer other than that you’ve been heard! Best of luck shipmate…sounds like you’re on a good path.

Grieving what was and will never be is normal in a marriage ending. It won't always feel this way and you will eventually move on and it won't matter if your wife is "that way" in her new relationship or not. You also get a chance to experience what you really want and need from a partner now. Maybe you will meet someone who connects with you and is more intimate in every way that you desire.

My M lacked intimacy and not sex. I wanted an emotional connection and passion and never got this with XWS it always felt transactional. I did however find the emotional connection and passion with my new partner. It is fulfilling in every way imaginable. I think sometimes we are just with mismatched partners from the get go. I look back at my xWS and can't imagine ever wanting a situation like that ever again.

Hey AN, I remember your posts. They stand out because you're the first that I remember using a ST. Glad that it's working out for you. When the flashlight is turned within, it can be surprising what is illuminated.

For me, it took about a year of living on my own without XWH to begin to feel contentment. Another year to realize my life is so much better now. So, it was about 3 years past dday - right in the middle of the 2-5 year time frame.

So to this day she still cannot give you what she gave him. Knowing it will end her marriage? Hard to comprehend.

Is this thread open to cheaters?

WW is still keen to reconcile, but call me shallow, but I just cannot settle for an "acceptable subset" of the things she was willing to do with AP, even if the sexual menu is now larger, I know I will always feel like the booby prize.

HouseOfPlane:
Not sure what response to offer other than that you’ve been heard! Best of luck shipmate…sounds like you’re on a good path.

AspectNorth:

What a man or woman can accept and move forward with or without a cheater is a very individual matter.

What you can accept is YOUR choice and no need to apologize or rationalize to others. How a being accepts their fate is solely an experience the "suffering" person will endure.

Reading these websites/forums will reveal to you myriad ways folks have moved forward in life after their vision of life got trashed by their wayward spouse.

Wish you well for your future -

Atomic Mess, the General Forum is open to both the betrayed and wayward members.

I am sorry, Friend. I can imagine what you are dealing with now has to be excruciating. And I am positive others feel the same way. Your past couple of threads were so long and got so many responses because a lot of us here could really empathize with your pain.

Anyway yes you deserve FAR more than you got from your WW.

R was difficult, with the sex acts freely offered to AP still emphatically denied in our bedroom.

FWIW Aspect, I could never get past this either. Not only are you two sexually incompatible, but her withholding vanilla acts she freely gave her partner in adultery is simply twisting the knife. Continuously. She did the single most disrespecting thing a wife can do, and continues to disrespect you now, though I suspect it’s her massive brokenness that’s at play.

Don’t focus on what her next paramour may or may not get sexually. Instead, accept you two are oil and water, and focus instead on YOUR next relationship where you will not for one moment settle for anything less than her best, as your next woman puts you first. Infinitely better days are ahead!!

Brother, don't mourn what wasn't and never-will-be. Instead, look to the future with excitement!

I'm not making this up...I personally know 7 divorced men that divorced due to getting cheated on. All 8 of us all agree that our best sex all happened after we moved on. We all agree it's bc we know what we'll accept in a relationship now and what we won't.

I've been with my real wife now for over 18 years, and we still can't keep our hands off each other.

Look forward to what is to come! It'll be here before you know it!

WW is still keen to reconcile, but call me shallow, but I just cannot settle for an "acceptable subset" of the things she was willing to do with AP, even if the sexual menu is now larger, I know I will always feel like the booby prize.

Not sure what response I'm looking for here, but to be honest, just writing it down helps - weirdly.

I too find it helps just to "spew" here as well. I also do not believe you are shallow, settling for less due to the behavior of another is abhorrent to myself and many people.

WW is still keen to reconcile

What is her rationale for this? Does she want to R because she wants you, or to protect her reputation/image? Is she afraid of losing a comfortable life? Is she scared of being seen as an 'unclean' person (based on her puritanical views on sex)? Is she scared of having the possible stigma of being divorced?

I will never experience those things from her

Anyway, with regards to the whole sex topic, I think it is a red herring. The possible base issue you could be feeling is that she will not be 'giving' her all to the relationship. She will still have a part of her that is locked away from you.

The sex issue was simply one glaring symptom of many other problems with your marriage, namely, the fact that your wife is extremely controlling, she doesn't respect you, she doesn't really view you as an individual with your own agency and your needs, and sees the marriage and your role in it as existing to solely serve her interests.

That's why even though she supposedly did everything "by the book" in terms of disclosing her affair and attempting to reconcile (complete timeline, therapy, etc), you are now on the road to divorce. Her definition of reconciliation is you remaining in the marriage solely on her terms. She didn't want to build a new marriage with you; she wanted--and actually demanded-- a return to the status quo. To date, she has demonstrated no compassion toward your pain and no humility. She's tried to smack you down every time you tried to assert yourself and advocate for your own needs.

In my opinion, nothing demonstrated how wise you were to choose divorce than how she behaved when you "called time" on the marriage. She threatened to take your children from you in the divorce and alienate them from you. She badmouthed you to family and friends, and weaponized them against you. She doesn't care that she's caused you pain; she's upset that you're disrupting her lifestyle and damaging her reputation by choosing to leave. That level of cruelty and vindictiveness is a fundamental part of her nature, and no amount of therapy is going to change that about her.

So what if, in the course of her sex therapy, she becomes a tantric goddess? Most likely, she will continue to be the self-centered tyrant she's always been outside of the bedroom. As long as you remain with her, you will never get the respect, empathy, and depth of emotional intimacy that is the foundation of any healthy relationship.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:29 PM, Friday, January 19th]

Hi AN, very sorry to hear your story. The way your wife went about her affair makes me think that she never even liked, let alone loved you. Respect was never there. I'm glad you are removing this person from your life, as much as possible, and I truly hope you will find another woman who will give you love and respect that you deserve.

I totally get where you are coming from about missing out what could have been if she were able to be as open with you as she was with her AP and her other partners prior to you. The flip side however is the can of horrors that opens up when your fantasy of those actually become a reality.

My EX had a a highly sexual affair where she did things we had never done, or did rarely. She offered all of those up, and instead of being turned on by it, the thoughts of actually doing them were repulsive. I think it was smart to offer them up, and I know she would have also been uncomfortable doing them, but still for me they reeked of sloppy seconds. We experimented a lot before her affair. Different positions, toys, locations etc. After never. The thought that we would potentially be doing one of their special acts relegated our sex to nothing more than just sex. I distinctly remember she touched me once in a way she never did before and I stopped everything and said if this is something you learned from your boyfriend, I want no part of it and left the room. She learned her lesson.

The point being, is even if you want and get them, they aren’t special to you. You might get over it at some point, but for a long time these acts would just bring back the fact she did them so enthusiastically for all the others, while you got starfished.

AN,

I’ve followed your story from the beginning. Appreciate the update. No, you far from shallow. In the beginning, when you were blind-sided and manipulated by your WW and her IC, you showed considerable grace. You agreed to stay and see if R was possible - a decision many, many would not have made. All through this process your WW has been incredibly self-centered. When you asked her for a little more in the sex department – something most all couples enjoy – she accused you of only wanting sex just like every other guy. That would have been my "Rubicon " moment. Again, you gave her grace and towed the line. You’ve given her more grace and time than most anyone on here would have.

As far as her becoming much more sexual with another partner after you D is highly problematic. From everything I’ve read, stories on here and experiences of some close friends, this just isn’t going to happen. Chances the best she’ll do is make some changes on the margins. When you finally are ready to start dating again, you’re going to realize what a bleak desert you’ve been living in. You’re still young. Stay the course and don’t look back. YOU ARE NOT SHALLOW!

Sometimes you have to move on to move forward.

Best wishes.

Her future partners might benefit from her ST but equally yours will benefit from you having ST too. You have a choice to focus on what you won't have or focus on what you could have. You could have all that you wanted with her but better because it won't come shrouded in infidelity

AN,

It may not seem like much, but your options are open. You have a wife who is keen to reconcile, but you also have the option of pursuing companionship elsewhere. Where you are right now, though, is a tough place. You can't seem to find a path to reconciliation where you will feel comfortable with your decision. You also seem hesitant to fully let go of the marriage.

What do you think you want? Freedom to explore new options? Returning to the marriage without the feeling of getting hand-me-downs? Do you keep ping ponging back and forth?