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Is anyone here either going through or Divorced that regrets it? Is that what the fear vs. reality thread is for? I think someone said they never saw anyone on here regret D. Is this true?
WTH am I on the fence if that's the case other than my own shit?!

My D was final a little over 3 years ago, after 34 years of M. Do I regret it? No, I do not and wish I'd done so long ago.

My XWH is a diagnosed narc, and I've been through all the stages. The mental abuse creates a trauma bond, and the brain chemistry that occurs when this happens makes it hard to think and makes you afraid to sever the relationship. I waffled for 18 months, then XWH crossed the hard boundary I had set.

I was afraid at first. I didn't have enough money saved up when I first moved out, but got a second job for 6 months or so. I did DoorDash during the summer of 2020, and the extra money helped me get some bills paid down.

Now, there's no way I'd go back to that relationship, which really wasn't a relationship. XWH used me and then discarded me repeatedly. In fact, he would barely speak to me even if I asked him a direct question. (What sounds good for dinner? Silence.)

I'm not dating, but that's by choice. I'm happy where I'm at, my children and grandchildren are close by.

I never regretted cutting the dead weight of my 260 lb cancer cell loose. What I did regret was

1. not having a second income to help with bills,

2. sleeping alone for the first time in many years,

3. not having someone with shared memories,

4. being completely on my own

For the first, I actually had more spending money because I no longer had to pay the extra debt from his spending addiction; 2) I had more room to move around (until the fur babies realized he wasn't coming back and started snuggling next to me every night); 3) I realized that it was mostly bad memories and the few food ones were based solely on all the energy that I poured into planning family or couple trips while he passive aggressively tried to sabotage my efforts; and 4) realizing how much free time I had to learn who I should have been all along, while picking up some new and fantastic hobbies and friends.

Make sure you recognize why you're really scared. If your stbx was an ass, it's not him that you'll regret losing. Make sure you're not just afraid of finding your new and amazing self buried under the trauma.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:02 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

the fur babies realized he wasn't coming back and started snuggling next to me every night

Can I get an Amen?

My fur babies are in crates near my bed so they hear me breath, turn over, I have to tip-toe down the hall in the middle of the night or else they're on High Alert (German Shepherds you see). You're never alone with these guys!

T/J @ Superesse,

Absolutely. During the D in 2013/14, I had 3 cats and a mixed GSD/Alaskan Malamute mix. Now I only have one cat. But all 4 gave me endless laughs. They were always up to something. My big boy, Max, the 95 lb dog even pissed all over Xhole's clothes...twice.

I've come to realize that pets are often much better than a romantic partner. Max never, not once, bitched about the food I cooked. He LOVED every bite of everything I shared with him. He never snuck off to be with other people, I was his number one and always preferred my company. According to ring, he was pretty sad for a good hour after I left for work each day. And he hugged me every time I walked through the door. No man's consistently ever been that physically joyful at the sight of me. He happily snuggled and never complained that I always got to choose the movies. Never was allowed to pick movies all the time with any man. If I called, he came running. He never ignored my calls or hung up on me. He never raised his voice or hands to me. Matter of fact he's scared off a few men that tried to harm me and even killed 2 coyote when they attacked my youngest. Oh, and he prevented a bull from goring him too one time...long story. My cats were pretty much the same. They weren't quite as effective as guard kitties because of their size and weight, but they still put forth maximum effort at attacking anyone that tried to hurt me (talking about xhole). Animals are better than people most of the time.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:04 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

This is a tricky one. I definitely miss parts of my married life - having another adult in the house (I have young children), the security of a second income, generally looking to the world like we’d got it together. There are times when I get overwhelmed and scared and just want to go back in time.

But…what I don’t miss is feeling like I was living a lie, feeling that he’d somehow ‘got away’ with infidelity, and the soul-crushing anger at XWH (which has definitely faded in the 2 years since the divorce was finalised).

So I guess I don’t miss him, I just miss having a partner. I loved being married (before he messed it up) and I would like to find another long-term partner, but I do have to say that I do not intend to settle just to have someone in my life. No ticking biological clock here so that takes the pressure off too.

I deeply regret NOT divorcing ex wh the first time I found out that he had cheated less than 5 years into our marriage. Granted I found out many years after it happened and our marriage lasted almost 4 decades so it’s complicated. But I absolutely do not for one minute regret divorcing him when I caught him cheating again. My only regret is that I did not believe who he was the first time and treat him accordingly and that I offered R the second time. Not my finest moments.

I am not going to say the divorce has been easy. It is financially scary to have a gray divorce. It was scary being "alone" although the truth was that I was very alone in my marriage and sadly sleeping with the enemy unknowingly. I was a faithful partner and in so many different areas he was not.

Every person has a different situation. But this is mine.

I now have a faithful partner. We are both former betrayed spouses. We have great communication and both of us are better off together. They treat me very well. Bonus that they are a successful person in their own right.

Oops hit send too soon
…so it’s a partnership whereas I had so much more burden in the marriage.

Regret my divorce? No, didn't mean it wasn't without a lot uncomfortable realizations, but the end result was positive.

Generally it seems humans don't much like change, but sometimes change is a good thing, especially when the its possible to look back and see your ex spouse for who they were/are and will be in the future.

Was I terrified? Yes. Did I miss him? Not really but at first I thought I did. What I missed (and still miss a bit) is being in a partnership. What I realized after D was that I never really was in one. I thought I was. But it was so unbalanced. I don’t miss him - I miss the fabrication I had built in our M to feed the narrative I had in my head. And the facade that he put on. Who I thought he was until the mask slipped.

Since our D, I got a master degree and a better job so I am financially stable. Bought my own little house and have gotten quite handy at fixing stuff (yay for YouTube!). Learned that I used to hate quiet because it used to have a layer of tension around it with him. Now I revel in it and find peace in it. I have developed and nurtured amazing friendships that have been so wonderful. The friends were there all the time - just my WS required all attention on him, so I didn’t put any energy in the friends. Sleep like a starfish on my king size bed with my cats. Cook what I want without veiled criticism with every meal.

I honestly can’t remember anyone regretting D during my time on this site. So there may be some, but it would be a very small minority. And remember that D doesn’t mean you will never be in a relationship with him again. You can date him again if he truly fixes his 💩and becomes a safe partner. It’s not common, but it is certainly possible and we have one BS dating her XWS and one that remarried on the site.

The fear vs reality thread is because so many of us learned that things we feared most never came to be. Or we rose to the occasion and came in to our power and took care of them. Or that we didn’t realize how many convolutions we went through, willingly if not knowingly, to appease our WS. Once they were out of the picture, some things just got easier. This is why we also recommend talking with a few lawyers— knowing how things will be takes the scary out of them. Knowledge is power, right?

D is not easy. You still have to heal. But at some point we realized that the pain of staying was more than the pain of D.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:59 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

None whatsoever.

There were many fears I had that kept me from taking the leap, but at some point the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving and you just gotta jump.

My fears:

1. Money- could I hack it on my own? I had never really been all the way on my own before and my wayward husband constantly told me I would never survive. It has been over a year since we split bank accounts and finances and I won't tell you it wasn't tough, but I am surviving. I am getting in a better place every day. My WH spent a ton of money of surreptitious booze and other secret spending. I do not have to deal with the terrible spending habits and my output is in my control.

2. Losing Access to my precious step kids- I had been in their lives for 10 years and I had developed deep relationships with both of my step kids. I did all of the caring for them when they were with us and I protected them from my WH's worst tendencies. I was scared that they would be subjected to neglect or abuse without me there and they would not benefit from a relationship with my kids (their step siblings) or their half brother that I share with my ex. The reality is that my WH husband has not seen his kids more than four times in the past year. I have become extremely close with my ex's firs wife and talk to her nearly daily. Our kids have been able to remain close because the first exwife and I have made their relationship a priority. I have seen my step kids more in the past month than my ex has in the past year.

3. No stability for my kids- I was able to keep the house in the divorce and the only change my kids have had is that there is not a unstable alcoholic sharing our space.

My life has only gotten better. I am so happy and I am thriving. My exhusband is living with another woman (his other OW) but he tells me all the time he would leave her for me, if I would only have him. THAT is the easiest decision ever. Like yeah freaking right. It makes me chortle so hard.

I have not regret my decision once. If anything it reinforces why I decided to D. My xWS was a serial cheater with NPD diagnosis, so the peace of mind I have since leaving is amazing. Finding myself again and feeling happy with no more rollercoaster emotions.

I don't miss anything really. Feel bad the kids had to experience D but they see us both happier since I left. Things have been really good and I look forward to life now.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:16 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

My ex-Wife divorced me after I cheated on her a few times. She moved out of state immediately after the divorce was final. She came back for a visit 5+ years after our divorce. We went to lunch. She had remarried and divorced the new guy after 2-3 years. She said he just wasn't me. I didn't really know what she was expecting and I kept my side of the conversation cordial discussing what I had been up to in the intervening years. She said she regretted pulling the trigger so fast on our divorce and wish she had given it more time. I have never seen her since that lunch 45+ years ago.

NOT AT ALL . I did the pick-me-dance like a pro when I found out my 1st H had cheated on me...and I won...my H came back to me. Only...I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator about 2 years later. By that time we had a 9 month old baby. He left me the day after I caught them.

My 1st H and his new LURVE only lasted about 2 weeks . Although we never moved back in together...it didn't stop him from playing with my heartstrings...until he would find a new "shiny" . I would love to say I grew stronger to STOP IT...but it took a while for me to see my worth...too long actually.

I had to find a second job...a part time job...to help pay the bills. I had to move into a rent controlled apartment. I had to stop paying for health insurance. But once I got my bearings...things started to get more stable . Then I met the man who later became my 2nd H .

Once I seriously started dating him...that was when my 1st H decided that I was THE ONE...and wanted to try for R again . At this point it was too little too late! I have NEVER regretted going for D with my 1st cheating H...and I definitely don't regret going for R with my 2nd cheating H. Your GUT will let you know . ALWAYS trust your GUT!!

No, I do not regret mine at all. All the peripherally associated things caused some worry, but as time progressed I was able to get a handle on those. I was never on the fence about it though. If your still uncertain about things it may not be the time to make a decision like that.

Why are you on the fence?

There was a ground-breaking relationship survey done by one of the major universities quite a few years back on divorce. I can’t remember the university nor the year, but it’s probably rocking on 15 years…
That survey showed that when questioned 12 months after divorce was finalized about 2/3 expressed some regret and/or stated that the issues leading to divorce could have been dealt with without a divorce.
Same survey showed that when questioned 18 months after divorce was finalized over 80% were certain D was the right decision, and at the 24 month mark nearly all were happy with their decision.

Coincidently, that two year mark is also generally acknowledged as the time it takes to recover from major trauma.

I haven’t regretted divorcing him for one second. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids. I’m not being criticized, verbally abused, or manipulated on a daily basis, or at all.

In the one year since my divorce was finalized, I have socked away more savings, on my single income, than we ever had while married with 2 incomes (EXWH had to spend it the minute it came in.) I am very careful how I spend. No eating out. Namebrand nothing, not even food. Buying only what we need to survive.

I spend more time with my family and my friends, because my partner isn’t butt hurt that I am taking my attention away from him. I took myself to Europe, on a dime, 4 times in one year. Two of those trips I was completely solo. It was empowering and liberating. I found myself. (EXWH never wanted to go.) I even brought my kids on one of those trips. I knocked a few more US cities off my bucket list. I even traveled with my wonderful elderly parents. I got to see the joy on their faces, seeing things they had never seen. That never would have happened if I was still married to that selfish POS. He couldn’t stand my parents… because they existed. They were wonderful to him.

I flew solo (dated a bit here and there, but mostly single by choice) for 6 years. Last summer, I met a man a year younger than me. His kids are the same ages as my kids. He’s kind, generous, very intelligent, handsome, financially secure, and he adores me. I never doubt his feelings for me. He never criticizes me or puts me down. We have adult conversations when there is a disagreement. We celebrate each other’s independence. We spend time together, and plenty of time apart. No neediness. It feels good and healthy. His family is wonderful, and they treat me as one of their own.

I'm still processing all of the GOOD that divorce has allowed me to experience in this world. It doesn’t feel real, sometimes, because I was in such a dark place for a long time. The divorce process was pure hell. But it had to be gotten through to get to the other side… which is happiness and freedom from abuse.

My brain was screaming, "not one more minute with this man. Not one more minute. I’m done."
That’s how I knew I was ready to divorce. I have never looked back.

And I have to agree, I have never met, nor read about a single person who regretted divorce. When you know, you know.

My XH regrets not getting himself together before we divorced. I gave him plenty of time and chances. Without him making changes, I had to leave him for our kids to have healthier lives.

I have never, for one second, regretted my D. I regret not doing it years before the A but I was hardwired to stay. I tried to R, but he was never cut out for the serious, hard that required. I regret that my kids are saddled with him for the foreseeable future. I can’t regret marrying him- I have 3 incredible children from the marriage but I regret wasting so much time in a truly shitty marriage. Since the D, I’ve moved continents, obtained a MA, raised and launched my kids, started a new career that I love, and recently remarried to a truly wonderful man. I’ve never been happier.