SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All,

Just after Easter my wife went through my work computer. Historically as the US this would worry me about whether i had hidden everything I was doing. But in this case I was pleased to have no worry at all. I am an open book with technology with my wife. In doing that check my wife was re-triggered because she saw private browsing mode and in a youtube tab there was a "click here to meet women ...." add in the top right corner.

I had been very open about why i use private browsing mode for over two years now but this is now not right and these two facts have retriggered her trauma.

Up to now keeping the knowledge of my infidelity and our separation private from our workplaces has been important for both of us. On the weekend when discussing this my wife shared that one of her bosses asked her how she was and she shared some of this information. In the one breath she said that he had been providing some emotional support for her and she felt cared for and said it wasnt an emotional affair. when I asked she wasnt clear when he started providing the support. I get the perspective of a boss supporting their worker who is working through marriage issues but given my workbased affair I also know that providing emotional support can be a slippery slope for inappropriate sharing and complaining that then leads to EA's and/or PA's.

Should I be worried?

In my opinion, yes. She is turning to another man for emotional support, that is absolutely the start of an EA. A boss is not qualified to deal with marriage issues. He isn’t a therapist, he is a boss. In my view, the most it should be to keep professional is "Boss I’m having some difficult times, I would like time to go see someone to work on these issues, can we make schedules with my work to accommodate?" That is being a supportive boss and being professional.

Going into the details and everything, that is textbook starting an affair. A shoulder to cry on leads to a bed to lay in. How is her reaction to your concerns? Is she downplaying it? Sure you were unfaithful already but from what I’m reading she chose to stay. If she did, even though you have already cheated, I don’t think this is appropriate. Especially in a post affair relationship where both parties are extremely vulnerable.

If she isn't hiding the extent of the relationship from you, it's not an EA, IMO.

It is risky since the frequency of contact is high, but as long as she is open with you about it and maintains her boundaries, I don't see a problem with it.

I don't think she is at all responsible for helping keep your affair a secret.

I want to preface this by saying, since you are a very newly found out WS, that I am wary of your motives in posting anything about how your wife is handling the devastating revelation of your betrayal and abandonment of her and your marriage. I say all of what I’m going to say in support of your BS and her path to healing—with or without you. It is a little tricky for you to seek feedback on something your wife is doing that, good for her or not, is a direct result of trying to deal with her trauma and devastation. It’s tricky because you are feeling threatened by her relationship with her boss, and because you have proven not to have her best interests at heart with your affair. It is also tricky because WS often accuse their BS of wayward behavior in an attempt to minimize or justify their own bad behavior.

Before giving my opinion on your wife’s communication with your boss, I have to ask: why the hell is there still a private browser window open on your computer? All that does it show that you may have been browsing stuff that she now can’t see. New violation of trust and new doubts.

I’d also say that you really should be tending to figuring out your own behavior instead of trying to critique how your BS is choosing to deal with her trauma. Finding external fault and directing your attention towards trying to control your BS is wayward behavior. She has no obligation whatsoever to behave in a way that makes you feel safer right now, and you are not in a position to focus on fixing anyone’s behavior but your own. You may likely be deflecting from working on yourself by finding the impediment to reconciliation in your wife’s behavior. Again, a typical wayward pattern of thinking (the A isn’t my fault, it’s my BS for doing X.).

So taking a deep breath and keeping all of that in mind. . .

I absolutely agree that it isn’t her responsibility to keep your affair a secret. She should be free to be as open as she cares to about what she is going through and why. It isn’t her job ever to protect you from the consequences of your affair. Did you protect her at all when you decided to have an A? When you say that guarding secrecy around your affair has been important to both of you, are you SURE about the BOTH part or is that something that you have been concerned about that she just agreed to because you wanted it? Anyway, lots of things for you to contemplate here—as is almost everything in the wake of your A.

BUT, I have to disagree that her letting you know about telling you about her communication with her boss means that it automatically isn’t or can’t become an EA. They are having private conversations about your marriage. For what it’s worth, my WH was very careful to make sure that I "knew" he was communicating with an ex. He told me this to salve his conscience that he was being "transparent" about it. He said it was just "talking about their lives."

What he didn’t say was that they were discussing me and my many flaws in great detail as a bonding exercise, and she was encouraging him to see himself as a victim as a way to paint herself in a more positive light. . .and then they started talking about how, if they were a couple, they would appreciate each other SO much more and never take each other for granted. She is the one who started this talk, very subtly at first, just expressing sympathy and disapproval that I was too focused on our very young children and ignoring him. Lots of sympathy and then a gentle opening of the door towards inappropriate conversations and behavior even more.

This is not to say that she doesn’t have the right to talk about how you neglected her and abandoned her to have an A. She does. As much as she wants to. But being a BS is a very vulnerable place. It can make you doubt your attractiveness and self-worth. It can make you vulnerable to an opportunistic person of the opposite sex to show you that you are attractive and worth love and care. It is why getting involved with someone of the opposite sex is discouraged, even when it is not kept secret and seemingly is just about "support." I’m not doubting your BS here—I’m doubting the possible intentions of her boss.

A boss is not a professional in helping your BS walk this horrible path that you’ve put her on. He isn’t immune from developing feelings of protectiveness and care that can lead to more down the road. He might be a super caring and supportive person. . .he could also be someone who has found her attractive for awhile and is taking advantage of her current situation.

At any rate, if he is really supportive and really a caring friend, he would be saying exactly that he is not the right person to provide the kind of support she needs and suggesting that she needs professional support. That, I think is an important point.

BUT, I’m also going to say that you are treading on very, very problematic ground here and you are likely not going to have much luck in pointing to your wife’s comforting communication with her boss as potentially problematic given where you’re coming from. Maybe just direct her here to start her own thread if she has questions about it.

You just aren’t in a position to say much about it right now this early. Your BS just BARELY found out what you were up to. And you just BARELY have been found out in your illicit affair. Your motives and your perspective are still very questionable and you should think so too. I recommend IC for both of you rather than trying to critique her behavior. You too are not a professional or an objective eye.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 5:27 AM, Wednesday, April 17th]

Well I found out about my WH A at work so my boss was the first person I told!!! He was the one who gave me a hug when I couldn’t breathe, he was the one who calmed me down when all I want to do was smash up my office and he was the one who helped me seek counselling through work channels.

He is like a big brother to me and there is absolutely nothing but concern for my well being. Just because my WH couldn’t be ‘just a friend’ with a female coworker doesn’t mean I can’t. I

It’s tricky because you are feeling threatened by her relationship with her boss, and because you have proven not to have her best interests at heart with your affair. It is also tricky because WS often accuse their BS of wayward behavior in an attempt to minimize or justify their own bad behavior.

I agree it is incredibly cheeky that a WS is able to feel threatened by their BS's way to deal with pain, when they were the ones who strayed and caused all the pain. By telling you her boss is showing her compassion and empathy, your BS is telling you she is in desperate need to have someone who shows them they care, because you as a WS have not been able to do that. She would have come to you as her best friend but since you harmed her, it is normal she cannot rely on you now. She is also informing you because, differently from you, she is an open book.

In doing that check my wife was re-triggered because she saw private browsing mode and in a youtube tab there was a "click here to meet women ...." add in the top right corner.

How can you say you are an open book about technology when you have been using private mode? How do you think that makes her feel? She knows you are hiding something also because what your YouTube browsing shows is not at all comforting. So how can you blatantly be so dishonest I really cannot understand. All your worry now is if she could be in the direction of straying. Your role now should be to be transparent without any private browsing history and you should focus on her recovery for the trauma you have caused. It seems to me you have no understanding at all of what she could be going through.

I absolutely agree that it isn’t her responsibility to keep your affair a secret. She should be free to be as open as she cares to about what she is going through and why. It isn’t her job ever to protect you from the consequences of your affair. Did you protect her at all when you decided to have an A?

I agree she didn't get any protection from you and now do you expect her to "protect you"? Should she be "private" about YOUR BETRAYAL that harmed her so badly? It is a bit too late and too selfish to think about privacy now.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:13 PM, Wednesday, April 17th]

He is like a big brother to me and there is absolutely nothing but concern for my well being. Just because my WH couldn’t be ‘just a friend’ with a female coworker doesn’t mean I can’t. I

When I did not see the betrayal that had all the symptoms, it was because I looked at my husband with the lens of MY VALUES and I know I would have NEVER betrayed him, therefore I thought it was the same for him.

So the fact that he can't be friend with a woman, doesn't mean I can't be friend with a man. Simply because our VALUES are different, but unfortunately I found that out only 30 odd years after I started my relationship with my husband.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:09 PM, Wednesday, April 17th]

Up to now keeping the knowledge of my infidelity and our separation private from our workplaces has been important for both of us.

You made your infidelity part of her story. She can share her story with anyone she likes.

Work is extremely difficult when one is trying to process such enormous trauma. She likely needed to explain why she’s not performing up to her usual standards or why her demeanor has so drastically changed.

Continue to check in with her and tell her about your concerns and your feelings. Be transparent.

Answer to your question

Should you be worried? I can't say, there isn't enough info. She brought it up to you. Does she have a history of relationships outside of the one between you and her? Is there other circumstantial stuff that makes you worry? Dressing up... getting home late... hiding phone from you... etc... You need to look at the whole picture.

Regarding the private browsing

I haven't read your story but from what I'm assuming -- she's got no history straying from you. She mentions to you -- without being prompted -- that she has talked to her male boss about your relationship. I'm further assuming there isn't any other circumstantial evidence. Look at how uncomfortable this has made you.

Now, you do have a history of straying. She sees an open private browser window and there's a "meet women" ad that happens to be on the screen. Where do you think her comfort level is at relative to yours?

I get there might be a legit reason you are using the private window -- I find them super convenient for work when I need to be logged in with more than one account at a time for example. But at this stage, you really need to go out of your way to make her feel comfortable and safe if you want to have a chance to reconcile -- even if it is inconvenient for you. Is there an alternative you can use instead of private browsing? In my example, I could probably log in with two different accounts by using different browsers as an alternative to private browsing.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 8:51 PM, Wednesday, April 17th]

I can definitely understand how you might feel worried but agree you are in no position to complain.

I agree a BS is in a vulnerable spot if there is an unethical boss (exhibit 1: my husbands affair with his assistant)

that said….I most definitely told my male boss 8 years ago when this happened. As mentioned by some above I did not want him to think my job performance was off for no reason or that I didn’t care about my job. He was sympathetic and that was that. no further discussion (i do think that’s an important boundary)

a few months ago my husbands new assistant reported she had found out her husbands affair was sexual. I’m pretty sure she told him for the same reason. She is wonderful and I trust her. My husband was sympathetic and there was little further discussion. She reached out to me about the name of a good marriage counselor. I am kind of thinking it is the norm to tell your boss-male or female.

I think it’s hard because you are a mess but you don’t want to LIE and say you’re upset about something else because you have a total allergic reaction to lies in the aftermath of infidelity…so really what choice do you have. It’s just too obvious that your world is destroyed.

Thanks for the feedback all. i think my use of "secrecy" about my affair would be better worded as "retaining privacy about the affair in our workplaces". We are separated and we told our AC in a family counselling session over 2 years ago. Most people in our non-work communities know of my horrid choices.

in response:

my fidelity actions

I have dropped the private browser behaviour and added a filter to the work computer to block traffic. I have attempted to put other trackers on the work computer but unfortunately they are being deleted by work security settings. work computers are continually monitored and reset so will need to work a path forward for this. I am well aware that private use along with questionable images does not just create doubts but rather confirms existing doubts and mistrust.

The difficulty I now have is that without the trackers I cannot prove that I am not using private mode nor can i prove the content that i do/dont consume.

with regards to the choices my wife takes

It goes without saying that she can share whatever she likes with whomever she likes but :

- I do prefer that she shares with same gender friends for the reasons that some of you have called out. Although not all opposite gender friends are grooming for AP's but some are and the boss family does have some of that history. And my wife is xtremly vulnerable because my computer use has put her back to Ground Zero and blocks if not reverses any progress towards safety for her with me. My wife wants and deserves empathy and care and unfortunately I have been unable to provide that to her consistently or effectively. A boss that gives space and empathy is different from one that is frequently checking in and validating.

- I do prefer that her decision to share details with the AC was different because I cannot see the value to them. I dont think it changes the way they support her or their disgust about my infidelity but may cause another level of trauma that they didn't need to experience. my wife and the family has received enough trauma at my choices

- I think that my oversharing has had unintended negative impacts on some of the relationships that we both have. My historical choices bring enough negative impacts as they are.

My infidelity story started and continued with ongoing "emotional support" for a worker and her husband. Boundaries are a key difference between my wife and I. I had none and she has many. Its an interesting question whether I am threatened by this development or just jealous that the boss has been able to reach beyond the walls she has put up and that she doesnt put down for me. (i understand why she doesnt for me just in case you are wondering)

The point about control is interesting. I think that controlling external behaviour comes from a place of feeling out of control internally in relationships. Unfortunately my default response is to freeze and withdraw because I dont know whats going to fix the problem. Certainly during the adultery i controlled the external story to enable my cheating. And now its known my repentance/response to my wifes historical reality and how i turn up going forward is what counts.

thanks again. and to ongoing healing for you all.