SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

PAST - This is not my first rodeo - Dday was 8.5 years ago - WH had PA with COW. I had solid evidence re: the who and what, which was disclosed to him by me.

2nd Day was 6.5 years ago - discovered WH was still/again with the same COW. I had solid evidence which was not disclosed as to what and how I knew. This resulted in me filing, moving out for 1 expensive $10K night with all expenses involved and ended up with me going back home.

PRESENT - Both retired 2.5 years ago and 1.5 years ago sex was almost nonexistent. This began after diagnosis of 2 types of cancer (both can only be managed, not cured) and an auto-immune disease. Erectile Dysfunction/ED was also diagnosed somewhat prior - about 3 years ago. Prescription for a Viagra generic was prescribed.

1.5 years ago I told him that I missed our intimacy, felt like we were only living as room mates. WH blamed it on the meds for his cancer - OK - what could I say?

Since this past Jan, he acted like he was just not into me/no desire for me, kind and considerate, but no interest in being intimate - sex and just a loss of touch - holding hands, cuddling, slow dancing, etc. Occasional hugs but nothing else - still no interest in what he had legally available to him 24/7.

SPIDEY SENSES hit hard! I started counting his generic pills. The number was going down without any intimacy between us.

A week ago, he told the Dr the pills weren’t working - I wouldn’t know as there was NOTHING between us in 4 months. Dr said to up the amount taken.

The pill count on my end began daily and a few days after the Dr told him to up the amount, that amount of pills the Dr said to try was gone from his pill container!` Again, there was no interaction between us at that time.

So….. TMI, but doing laundry, I observed evidence of the use of these pills.

AGAIN, nothing at all happened with the two of us - very minimal in January and nothing since.

I need to confront him about this as I really believe that he is in at least EA, if not PA, again!

Dealing with a well loved, well known, well respected person who has a terrible physical situation. He is a handsome, fun, and entertaining, manipulative narcissist who has worked closely with investigators, and similar type people prior to retirement.

I need to have a discussion and present my ’theory’ and request the truth, a resolution without any concrete data other than the lack of intimacy, pill count, and laundry observation. I have no other data. For the past several weeks, the pills are counted daily and there is some correlation when he travels to another location, past the old workplace and COW, to get to a location where he provides consultation to young adults.

I have no other reason to justify the pill decrease and lack of interest in me than he is getting his sex elsewhere. Is there any other reasoning behind this? Otherwise, we get along well, like ROOM MATES. I must add that I am in very good shape, not at all over weight and have been told I am a beautiful woman (for my age) so he has what I and many others consider the "perfect wife."

This situation hit me hard this past week when a close male friend, who knows the situation, and I were catching up. He said there is no way that WH is not getting it somewhere else and why am I still M? Another SI peep asked me the same thing when she and I recently chatted.

I know that we are not supposed to tell the WS how we obtained info and what we really know. I feel the only way to make my point is to give solid evidence so that he knows I know.

How do I proceed with this? What and how much into, comments, facts, etc are needed to be stated to him? Many will say that nothing needs to be given by me as a reason or fact, but I know him well, and I need some type of solid reason for my thinking. At the first Dday, I told him i knew he was cheating on me and he immediately confessed without any evidence provided from me.

I have alot of guilt, concern, worry about him and his physical condition in the future. As a caretaker by nature, it is against my grain, my existence to walk away from someone I loved with the needs that he currently has and will continue to have worsening in older age.

We make a great team without sex but I am really feeling empty and un-wanted, physically unloved,
Again, he continue to blame this on the chemo meds he is taking but obviously, something is working correctly without me.

I am too old for this crap, not sleeping at night, and know that the confrontation needs to be carefully handled to be in my best interest.

What say ye?

Say nothing! Put a voice activated recorder in his car before he leaves for a meeting. You can also put a tracker on his car OR an air pod in a bag somewhere in the car.
Good luck!

ArkLaMiss - "put a voice activated recorder in his car before he leaves for a meeting. You can also put a tracker on his car OR an air pod in a bag somewhere in the car. "

I have already done both in the past and he found the tracker and VAR - job experience with investigators apparently gave him some hidden skills.

The last resort: hire an investigator!

If you feel you need absolute proof, then either use a VAR or hire an investigator. But also remember that this is not a court of law. You don’t need absolute proof.
You can decide you don’t wanna deal with the lack of intimacy and his secretiveness regarding his pills, regardless of whether or not he’s cheating again

Do what you need to do, but don’t let the lack of absolute proof stop you. I’m sorry He is still behaving so badly.

What’s your plan B? What have you decided to do if he was to cheat again?

Personally I would do that. It’s obvious he’s getting it elsewhere and you’re not in a court of law, you don’t need any further proof. The fact that he’s using the pills when he’s going out it’s enough to tell you all you need to know.

Time for plan B whatever that is.

Charlee, what is your goal here? To manipulate him back into intimacy with you? Just have him cut it off with the COW? To regain a feeling of power lost by demonstrating your control? Help someone who has lost their way? Gain revenge? Any or all of the above?

It sounds from afar like both of you are playing a game that you’re really good at. A well-defined set of rules.

I’m assuming that one of his cancers is prostate cancer. Is he on ADT?

When he passes, what will you do with your life? He has given you the opportunity to not wait for that next phase of your life.

You’ve been heard friend!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:44 PM, Sunday, April 28th]

I'm of a mind to sidecwith HOP. It dosentvsound like you are living much of a life with him. His behaviour is taking up too much bandwidth in your brain. On your deathbed, will you be wishing you investigated just a little more?

Same with HOP - starts researching gray divorce and start living your own life. Once was too much twice is a clear sign it’s going to continue. 3x ??? He is not thinking of YOu

Old timer here who doesn’t visit often. If I remember correctly when you left him and established your own home, he came home from work to an empty house and a note. He had a panic attack, collapsed and was rushed to the hospital . I don’t recall if he was admitted. Eventually…(I think) more sooner than later, you went back to the marriage. You forgave, you put your heart back into the man and the marriage.

You are too damn good and too caring.

So now he has not one…but two types of cancer, retired and because (of who you are) you probably feel that you are between a rock and hard place.

The questions is…..How Do You Want To Live The Rest of Your Life????

No reason to keep investigating, just demand an answer. You say you know him well. Do you really?? If he answers and it’s believable to you…..YOU don’t have to make a decision right away. But you have to start thinking of YOU. Put yourself first. Begin by doing a very hard 180. Let him take care of his own health, dealing with doctors, treatment, travel by himself. Cook his own meals and do his own laundry. You probably do everything for him.

If you don’t have a councilor get one.

Life is hard enough… waking up every morning and going to bed every night with worry, doubts and fear is no way to live.

It’s heartbreaking that you are dealing with this yet again.

Sending strength.

My sister-in-law was separated and right on the edge of divorcing her husband, who had a long history of affairs. They were living in separate houses, she in her own house and he temporarily in his mother‘s house who had passed away. She hesitated on divorcing him, and one evening while he was visiting her house he had a stroke. That was six years ago. Now she’s his permanent caretaker, fixing all his meals, helping him get dressed, wiping his ass, cleaning up after his accidents when he is incontinent, and putting up with his shit. She is in her early 70s, and has a permanent job as his nurse. It is crushing her.

I would highly recommend that you not be like my sister-in-law. He has given you a chance, and showed you what he truly wants. Give him what he wants, and maybe both of you can be happy.

BARELY BREATING and LUNA - I understand it is not a court of law. Maybe it is that I need to have absolute proof for me, not him?

HOP - You said -"what is your goal here? To manipulate him back into intimacy with you? Just have him cut it off with the COW? To regain a feeling of power lost by demonstrating your control? Help someone who has lost their way? Gain revenge? Any or all of the above?

Good question - maybe my goal is all of the above but I want to start with getting the truth. Plan B - I am trying to sort that out.

I had not thought of it as a game, but it seems that is what we are doing. We both are playing it with the unspoken rules.

He does not have prostrate cancer, both are blood cancers.

JUSTSOMEGUY - This IS taking up all my thoughts in my head and filling the stomach with constant dread.

SATYAMOM - Truth!

MINUSONE- You said - "The questions is…..How Do You Want To Live The Rest of Your Life???? No reason to keep investigating, just demand an answer. You say you know him well. Do you really?? If he answers and it’s believable to you…..YOU don’t have to make a decision right away. But you have to start thinking of YOU. Put yourself first. Begin by doing a very hard 180. Let him take care of his own health, dealing with doctors, treatment, travel by himself. Cook his own meals and do his own laundry. You probably do everything for him."
This is where I need to start.

HOP - WOW! More food for thought from a different angle.

Where do I find the info on the 180?

HOP's sister-in-law's situation is so horrible, so real, and more common than people realize. So the time frame after betrayal for the BS to make life changing decisions may not be immediate but it is certainly finite. Sooner or later, most people succumb to disabling physical ailments and ultimately, death awaits us all.

We live in a death-denying culture, though, so we push that reality out of our thinking process. We need to ask ourselves some serious questions about what we are prepared to do for a cheating "partner." I need to ponder that message, myself.

OP, you said he is a handsome, manipulative narcissist. In his 60s. There isn’t anything else that you need to say past this point. He isn’t going to change. Confront him, ignore him, do whatever, you’re going to end up with the same result. If he really is a true narcissist, then you’re fighting uphill and will lose no matter what.

Is he cheating? Maybe, or maybe it’s porn, or cam girls, or a combination of all three. Doesn’t matter. He had at least two affairs, probably more, and again if he is a narcissist he only cares about himself. Nothing you can do will ever change that.

I personally recommend don’t confront, it’s pointless. I say go. Let him be alone with the choices he made and his cancer. You don’t owe him anything.

Go to Just Found Out….. the 180 is on the first page

You asked for a possible other explanation.
Could he be using the pills to try to masturbate to see if they work?
He openly admitted using them in front of you. Whilst he could be cheating and have let that slip through carelessness I'm not sure that ties up with your description of him. It's a glaring mistake.
Add to that that you recently mentioned you miss the intimacy. Is that the trigger for him to try the pills and he didn't want the embarrassment of failing with you?

How strong is the correlation with him leaving the house and the pill numbers?

In any case if you challenge him this is a possible explanation he could respond with, true or not.

If divorce would be financially hard- Why not just want for him to die? Will these cancers shorten his survival?

Move out of the bedroom and start your own life and wait for him to die.

If there is nothing left, and it helps you financially, you can also just vacate the house and get your own place. No need to announce it or even talk about it. Move out and start again, no need for paperwork. Make him seek the divorce, lol.

Most of us outlive our partners anyway. Time is on your side, probably….

PrideandPain
Your comments are something I did think about - want to believe that is the case but based on past history of his A’s, the thought immediately goes to a repeat of the cheating.

3yrsOut
What you say makes sense - his cancer is not terminal - possible side effects are what could cause death but both are being managed by chemo meds.

In process of reading and understanding the 180 and also understand that outside activities and other things I enjoy need to be pursued. Being a home body and loving being in my home adds an additional reason for resentment towards infidelity - the gift that keeps on giving.