SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been silently following along these forums for the past few months and you all seem like a great group to get some solid advice from.

My 1st anniversary of Dday is coming up at the end of the month and just like anybody going through infidelity, it’s been a hell of a year. Things have relatively been going as well as expected given the circumstance. My WH was forthcoming about the A and the details. A bit of trickle truth insued, but nothing drastic. I had hard evidence as I hired a PI and even planted a recorder in the car (no denying this bout of evidence right).

My WH’s A was "minor" in comparison to some of the other stories I read about, nonetheless any sort of an A is/was a dealbreaker for me - yet here I am, mostly trying to keep my young family intact, but seeing my WH efforts as well.

I feel like I have quite the dilemma on my hands. I know how important it is to inform the OBS, after months of sitting with this "guilt" of not reaching out I pulled the plug and messaged him a few weeks ago. What I thought would be a freeing feeling from this disclosure, actually left me confused as all hell.

The timeline and the details he shared were not even remotely the same as what I was told (or even what I know based on my own concrete evidence). It seriously felt like he was describing a completely separate A (afterwards I felt a pit in my stomach that this wasn’t his W’s first rodeo and she very well could of had a completely separate A prior to the one with my H) 😐 - you follow?

The conversation felt weird and unsettling, so I actually just wrapped up the conversation with "reach out if you need" kind of thing.

I was so worked up I immediately called my WH at work and started flying off the handle with what I was just told and was asking why nothing added up. He rushed home and was adamant that his timeline/story of events was correct and that I’ve been told everything. He has no idea what the OBS is talking about. He’s crying uncontrollably at this point. He truly has been working so hard over the course of this year and has been transparent about everything, we’re in IC and MC - even paid $3000 to do an affair recovery weekend with a top therapist in our area to be a mediator for when we "hashed" out the timeline/details.

Over the course of the months going by, I felt little by little all of the pieces were there, they fit and it made sense to me. I was content that I knew enough to process and understand what happened and was no longer going to continue digging. It was such a relief.

My WH called the phone company to access records so he could prove to me when things started up with them, but the phone company can only access 6 months from todays date so that’s no help. He has offered to take a polygraph about the accuracy of his timeline/story and anything else that will help confirm he’s being truthful about this.

I know cheaters lie and then they lie to cover up their lies. Based off of everything we’ve gone through this past year and the strides he’s taken I just don’t see why he would lie about his timeline/story - not after all we’ve been through.

Any insight on this? I wasn’t expecting this encounter with the OBS to go down this way. So much for doing the right thing, now I feel worse and more confused then ever.

So sorry you had to find us and the pain of your story. There are no minor affairs.

You should not regard the OBS as a source of indisputable proof, as he is only able to get information from his lying wife. I feel very confident that if I were to talk to OBS that I would have a much more accurate story than she would. Now if she told me something that contradicted my understanding, I would ask two questions:
1) does she have proof?
2) is the element that contradicts my understanding in the direction of benefit or harm to the affair partner?

If OBS believes something from their wayward that is utterly horrible, I would judge that as likely true, because who makes that shit up? But if it is something favorable or morally neutral to the cheater, I wouldn’t bother my peace with the likely bullshit lies from a cheater.

It sounds like you and more importantly your husband have done a lot to create a credible, evidence based timeline. I wouldn’t let a lying wayward knock that down trivially.

InkHulk is right. WS do lie but it sounds like your husband is making an effort with you. The OW is also a liar and is an unreliable narrator without proof.

It's also entirely possible that, as you said, she was engaged in another affair.

Don't try to use pieces from a different puzzle. Stick to what you can verify and work with.

Can you clarify whether the OBS knew about the affair already when you told him? It seems that you called him to disclose but he knew already. Did he have or offer to share any information to confirm his wife’s version of events?

In any case, I would take your husband up on his offer to verify his timeline via polygraph and obtain his phone records, even if it takes awhile. If he follows through on this then I think that alone says a lot about his willingness to be honest and forthcoming.

Lastly, keep in mind that the point of disclosure to the OBS isn’t to gather more information about the A; that’s just an added bonus when it works out that way. Both your husband and AP are liars so I would expect you or OBS to have a complete picture of what occurred.

So even if you’re feeling confused and off balance right now and the conversation didn’t end as you hoped, you still did the right thing.

I know how awful and confusing all of this is, and it’s horrible that contact with OBS only
Made it more so.

You said you had solid proof though right? From a PI and recordings. Did anything OBS say directly contradict that? If so, then you know OBS doesn’t have the right data. People
are not reliable enough as evidence. They lie, they interpret things differently than you. It’s a well proven fact. Two people can watch a car accident and they will both say entirely different things about what happened. I know this for a fact after my time as a cop and getting statements from witnesses.

I agree with InkHulk and everyone else, don’t trust AP to have told OBS anything accurate. Trust the concrete data you have. Trust the actions of your WH. Make him do the poly, if he does it willingly and doesn’t back down that’s a good sign.

Just off what you’ve written here, it sounds to me the AP has had multiple affairs and maybe admitted to one to her husband, combining details from all of them.

Hi

I agree. I think the AP likely had multiple affairs. Your information could be correct but mixed in with other "events".

You have shared with the OBS, it’s their job to decide what to do with what you shared.

Sorry you are going through this, it is likely bringing back a lot of negative memories and feelings.

Stay positive about your reconciliation.

Wishing you the best.

So this happened when ons and I talked.

The discrepancy that O was able to eventually ascertain is that she did have a different description of the affair. For her, she was " in love" with my husband. She wanted my life, that was evident. People in an affair can be delusional, and the things she told the OBS ended up being plans she had in her own head. I do have that confirmed. Females often cheat for emotional reasons and males do too but less often. I find that often it seems the female has created a narrative in her head that she assumes is a shared vision.

If the lady was a cheater her husband could have been confused about which AP, and also may know about a prior affair and thinks that’s what you were referring to. It seems like he may or may not really know about your husband.

Have him schedule the poly.

There are BS here,who found out the truth,years after dday. Years after their WS "did everything right."

I think it's wishful thinking that she's had other affairs, and this bh was confused as to who he was speaking to, when he told you what he knew.

The most logical explanation, is that the man who lied and cheated,is still lying.

Why do they keep lying? Fear. They don't want to deal with the consequences of their bs finding the truth. They don't want to lose their bs. Fear of being seen as even worse.

Tears don't mean much. He's crying for himself. If he was crying because this wasn't true, and may set you back, he wouldn't offer a polygraph. He would have already scheduled it.

Concrete evidence is great. Bit there's always somewhere else to look. Always a possibility there's more evidence, and the bs just didn't find it.

Tell him to schedule the polygraph.

What did obs say when you told him your husband's timeline of the affair? Did he offer a copy of his evidence? Did you offer a copy of yours? One of you is being lied to,if not both of you. Exchanging evidence can bring clarity.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:34 PM, Monday, June 10th]

Another vote for the poly. Eliminate or at least reduce all the hand-wringing. It's draining.

The most logical explanation, is that the man who lied and cheated,is still lying.

From what OP has said though, she has evidence from a PI and recordings, and her husband has at least shown a willingness to try to find corroborating evidence with the text messages. This is a comparison of some element of evidence vs the second hand account of a liar’s testimony.

I’d recommend asking yourself how airtight your story is, whether what has been told to you by OBS rings true at all based off what you have definitive proof of and make judgments from that. And if you have lingering doubts about specific discrepancies this has brought up, then use a poly.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’m trying to remind myself that any information the OBS primarily has is coming directly from his WW. Like I mentioned, it was a very unsettling conversation. He originally said "he knew right away" … then he said "he didn’t know until after she came clean" … he had all the text messages saved on his phone but then his kids "buggered his phone and everything was deleted" … his timeline started a year before when WH said it started and then according to the OBS it ended 7 months prior to when I actually caught my WH (with the irrefutable evidence) - doesn’t add up. He had no information other than he saw the "sexts" and was told it never turned sexual (my WH said they never sexted and it was a PA). I told the OBS that it was sexual between them and then he said "ya I know." When I was giving him a bit of info all he had to say was "brutal." The conversation was so weird I just needed to stop. It wasn’t going anywhere productive. He couldn’t tell me the name of my H or how his W and how my H knew each other. I’m so stumped.

I’m very aware that I’ve gotten a story from a liar and he’s gotten a story from a liar. However, I feel confident that my WH has been trying his absolute best to make "amends" with me and his children. R has been going well, not perfect, but theres been a lot of genuine effort and transparency on his part and at a year out I feel a lot more "grounded and levelheaded" then when my world was turned upside down a year ago.

We will be following through with the polygraph regardless of any evidence I have and even though the timeline/story he told me makes sense to me. A poly is the only way I can "move on" from these unexpected feelings of doubt.

Tallgirl - Yes! So many negative feelings and memories were triggered. I hate it.

Thank you all again for some sound advice. I listened to my gut initially when I felt something was off when I found out and I’m trying to listen to what my gut is telling me now.

he had all the text messages saved on his phone but then his kids "buggered his phone and everything was deleted" … his timeline started a year before when WH said it started and then according to the OBS it ended 7 months prior to when I actually caught my WH (with the irrefutable evidence) - doesn’t add up. He had no information other than he saw the "sexts" and was told it never turned sexual (my WH said they never sexted and it was a PA)

Ok, so this actually changes things. He had first hand evidence, the messages, and that evidence contradicts your husband in important ways.

1) the start date. If the text record says it started a year earlier, then it started a year earlier.

2) if OBS saw sexts, then they sexted.

The seven month earlier ending date is a face saving lie from his WW, along with the no sex lie.

Sorry, I think this is dead on lies by your husband. Unless you think OBS is lying, but that is not where I would go with this.

Just my thoughts.

Honestly it sounds like poor OBS has been gaslit so bad he doesn’t even know what end is up or down.

I think it’s very obvious that his cheating wife told him just the very bare minimum at best.

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 6:55 PM, Monday, June 10th]

Hey Inkhulk, I get what you’re saying and I think he most likely did see "sexts", but for the evidence to be erased due to his children "buggering" his phone and me not being able to confirm the phone number attached to these sexts is very suspect. These sexts could of been between those of her and another AP prior to my H due to the timeline being completely off and not even over lapping. Not to mention when I shared info with him he truly was not phased or even asked for clarification…all I get is "brutal."

Hellisnothalffull, I think the OBS could of been told the truth about a different A … but he has no idea about the one with my H. For some reason this is what’s sticking in my gut.

Regardless, I am preparing for the worst case scenario here … that my WH lied because he’s proven to lie and doesn’t want to lose the "credibility" he’s gained over the course of this year, etc.

Question for you guys … when he does the poly and he passes then what?! Relief, anger, sadness, joy?! What do you do with the results?!

Hey Inkhulk, I get what you’re saying and I think he most likely did see "sexts", but for the evidence to be erased due to his children "buggering" his phone and me not being able to confirm the phone number attached to these sexts is very suspect. These sexts could of been between those of her and another AP prior to my H due to the timeline being completely off and not even over lapping.

But the problem here is you are attaching nefarious motives to OBS to come to this conclusion. OBS is the person with the least motive to lie to you. MAYBE you could think he would lie to you in order to hurt your husband, but typically the betrayed feel a sense of camaraderie and don’t use each other as pawns. If he says his kids buggered the phone, I’d believe him.

To me Occam’s Razor points me to liars are lying (your husband and his wife) rather than OBS is lying and his wife had multiple concurrent affairs.

I think the OBS could of been told the truth about a different A … but he has no idea about the one with my H.

If you believe he doesn't know about your husband, and the affair, then send him a copy of your evidence. Even if the ow is a serial cheater, her husband deserves to know the truth,and he deserves to know of every affair.

If your husband passes, then you can continue attempting reconciliation on a foundation of truth..it will help you heal..and it will help you rebuild a new marriage.

I don’t think the OBS is necessarily lying, I believe him when he says he saw text messages … but he was unable to provide me with the physical proof (all I would need is a matching phone number to confirm if it was my H’s or not). The unfortunate reality is this whole ordeal now has me on high alert and I don’t trust anyone. I’m sure OBS’s aren’t typically vindictive of another BS, however, nothing surprises me anymore.

Either way, my WH did take immediate initiative to contact the phone company to access records (they only go back 6 months in time unfortunately - I also called just in case he was lying and this is what I was told as well) - this shows me a willingness to show me. A polygraph will definitely be scheduled to either clear my WH and prove he’s telling the truth or if he’s continued to lie. Whichever way the chip lands, I will be prepared and have a plan to act accordingly. That’s really all I can do at this point.

I am very sorry you had to find us.

This is a wonderful and helpful community and It is important that you have as many comments as possible, which are not just the copy of one another but that reflect different opinions.

As you have realised cheaters do lie. There are many details that I looked for and that after years I have understood they did not really really matter.

I often believe that our cheating spouses are so ashamed of themselves and honestly did not realise how long they lied for and are in denial of how badly they have behaved. They were just looking at life from their narrow and selfish perspective, so accept that. Therefore, even if I am not justifying them, I understand that sometimes they want to make things look a little bit better (not as bad!) than they really are just to protect themselves but also US.

At the end of the day, what really matters is that my spouse as much as yours has been able to lie to me, deceive me and behave in a very immature way for a very long time.

How many times he slept with the FB POS is not important. I just know it was hundreds of times. Where they did it is not important. I just know they did it behind my back. How many times they organised things reinforcing their evil bond is not important, I just need to know they had the guts to do it, making fun of me, of my trust.

However, the most important thing is not what happened and why it happened but how things are now and how they feel about it how we feel about it and how we want to try and move on.

As some people say, once you see one thing, you can’t unsee it, the same is for the details you uncover.

During that time he was not the same person I knew, so whatever he tells me about that time could be true or not, anyway I know he was not the person I liked and he was dishonest and not the best version of himself.

With regards to the affair partner’s spouse we never know who we are talking to, how sensitive they are nor how truthful and honest they are, therefore we can give them the information if it helps us feel better, but what they do with the piece of information we give them is not our business. It could be they are the toxic person in that relationship and do we want them as an ally? I didn’t have anyone to share the information with because of the fu*** bi**h I had already divorced, but honestly, my priority would’ve been and was to try and fix my relationship. Surely keeping the other spouse busy spying on her would have given me some peace but if two people, especially in my case, work together, they can do whatever they want and it is beyond my control. I had all the GPS positions, he was where he told me he would be, he just avoided to tell me WHO HE WAS WITH😂. So the fact that I felt safe because I knew his whereabouts was just IRRELEVANT and demonstrate how insignificant it is to know details. There will always be something that is tucked into their hearts and they will never disclose

or we will never be able to understand how they could create a complicity and a bond with someone who wanted so badly to destroy our family.

Don’t let the other spouse manipulate you, they could be dealing with so many betrayals that they don’t even care, or they could be the toxic person and could enjoy hurting you more than helping you. Leave them out of your life.

You have enough in your life and in your plate at the moment, one big thing is dealing with the immature behaviour of your spouse and your hurt.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:16 PM, Friday, June 21st]