SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After being together for 35 years years, and finding out he has been doing things, going to hotels, giving me an std, lying, never admitting anything (dd#2 coming soon, right now he is clueless the info I have gathered), I am now left wondering who else knew? Did he really get away with this all these years and no one knew? I think back many years ago in college a friend habitually cheated on his girlfriend. I remember thinking, how does she not know, she has to know?! We weren't close and I was young and stupid so I never told her. They eventually married and were together for over 20 years. I later learned he ended up getting another woman pregnant and leaving her for the OW. I know many, many people knew he did this to her over the years. Im guessing no one else told her either.

Did multiple people know what my husband has done for years? Friends, family, coworkers?? I keep considering calling certain people, just to ask them to be honest with me. Bad idea though right? Do we all want to know who else knew and never said a word?

Personally, I don’t want to know who knew. It wouldn’t change the fact that it happened if someone told me, I would still be in the same pain if I found out sooner. I also don’t think it’s most peoples’ responsibility to interfere in a couple’s life. Especially without proof. WH’s AP told me his dad and brother also cheat but I’m not going to tell my SIL or MIL what she said because it’s a rumor that I have no proof of. If they find out one day and find out she did tell me and are mad I never said anything - oh well. They aren’t my blood family and won’t be my married family much longer anyway. To me not saying anything is the right thing to do, but I understand other people may feel differently.

[This message edited by Marie82 at 5:50 PM, Saturday, July 6th]

I keep considering calling certain people, just to ask them to be honest with me. Bad idea though right?

Try one, see how it goes. Pick one that you are pretty sure should have known, and ask.

I wondered this, too. But in the past I knew some people were behaving improperly if not cheating and never told anyone. Knowing what I know now, how devastating infidelity is, I *think* I would tell the OBS. But I can’t blame others for not doing what I what I also wouldn’t have done.

It sucks.

So my H’s grandma’s sister’s husband was a serial cheater … apparently cheated on her their entire marriage until the day he died. My H’s grandma knew (they were super close too), plus pretty much the whole family, the entire town, etc. She loved her H so much that nobody ever told her because it would crush her … to this day she still doesn’t know and mourns his passing deeply.

My grandpa was also a serial cheater and was a trucker by trade so he was always on the road and away from home making it easy to have multiple APs. My mom and her siblings would find condoms and what not in his suitcase all the time - they wonder how many other siblings they could potentially have out there. My grandma knew about his ways. but was too proud (maybe stubborn) and she didn’t want to "give up" all that they worked for together (successful businesses, farm, etc) … apparently she was going to leave him, but then found out she had cancer and didn’t follow through with it and died a couple years after that.

To kinda piggy back off of your situation, I have a friend who is currently finalizing her D from her H who was also a serial cheater throughout their 20 years of marriage. He never ever, owned up to any of the infidelities that she was able to catch him in. This final infidelity she caught him in last year, he ended up leaving my friend for his AP (also married and with young kids). With all the proof she presented him, he never once "owned" up to the fact he did anything wrong. The only type of closure she got was from the OBS because his W ended up telling him the details of the A. I couldn’t imagine having physical proof, showing your H and he’s denying anything every happened. That is beyond morbid.

It’s crazy though that in some situations "everybody" knows and doesn’t say anything or the BS knows but lets it continue. I think so many factors come into play when informing a BS. I think most times people truly don’t want to "poke the bear" and they tell themselves it’s not their business. I always said that if my H was cheating or cheated I would want to know regardless of the amount of pain it would cause, however, I don’t think I would hold it against anybody if they knew and didn’t tell me either … it’s such an awkward and tough spot to be in. Especially when it’s more "hearsay" info or you hear it through the grapevines. I think it’s best to have solid, concrete proof to show that person and being able to physically confirm it. I also think your relationship to the person also comes into play. If somebody I didn’t know very well came and told me I’m being cheated on without proof I wouldn’t believe them, opposed to a trusted friend or family member telling me.

I don’t think calling people asking if they knew or not is really going to help or make a difference. I think at the end of the day what’s most important is what you know now and the proof you have gathered.

Yes, plenty of people knew and didn't tell you. My inlaws knew (mainly because my sister-in-law facilitated the affair with OW#2) and all ex-WH's coworkers knew because OW#1 was a coworker. Most of our mutual friends knew and didn't tell me.

The more important question is this: did anyone you are close to and trusted know and didn't tell you?

Those are the people you want to ask. And if their answer is yes, then you should decide if you want to continue a relationship with them in the future. In my situation, I chose to cut them off for good.

I think that is part of my rationale. Did someone I trust hide this from me? There were comments and moments over the years where there was a little voice in my head questioning. I do feel like certain people I need to ask, just so I know who I am dealing with. After this nightmare, liars will be removed, period. I'm not going to call coworkers from 9 years ago, but I will ask a friend who has known both of us for 35+ years, and another who has known us both for 30 years and used to work with my husband.

My BIL and my husband had a falling out years ago. I could never get a straight answer from either of them what happened. I believed my husband to be the one who was wronged, because that is how he presented it and why would I think he was a liar? Now I remember what BIL said to me when I asked him what happened. He said he didn't want to ruin our little family. Always struck me as an odd way to put it. They were business partners at the time. We were sunk into debt and almost lost our house. Now I wonder what he knows or knew.

Their biological father was a serial cheater, maybe even a rapist if we are being honest. At this point we know he fathered 7 children. He had nothing to do with raising my husband and SIL and abandoned his family when WH was 2. My MIL always worried he would turn out like his father. She passed 9 years ago and I certainly hope she never knew.

If others knew and didnt tell you, some probably won't admit to it now. Others may acknowledge it once they hear you are leaving him.

There are so many things the betrayed will never know for sure. Ugh

I cut off "friends" who knew and said nothing, especially given the fact that they were friends with OW. They were never really friends obviously. Just some people I knew.

Any friend who knows and doesn't tell is actually signing off on allowing the affair to continue through inaction. All they need to do is report the suspicion to you to do their part as a real friend. If they hold on to the info and just watch your spouse continue to shag the AP, all they while, undoubtedly thinking pitying thoughts about you, they are no real friend.

None of "my" close friends knew. Obviously, a couple of my wife’s friends knew. Her best friend knew for almost the full duration of the affair. Then weeks after DDay she tells me that she knew the whole time and that she cares about our marriage and me. BS! Anyone who knew and didn’t tell is now out of my life forever. A consequence of the affair and not doing the right thing. Now my wife is still friends with her but her and her husband will never have interactions with me or me and my WW as a couple again. It’s really not that difficult to do the right thing and maintain integrity and morals. If I ever caught wind that a close friend of mine was engaged in, or planning to have an affair, I’d demand they stop or end our relationship forever.

Two of my wife's closest friends knew of her cheating. I didn't know them well, but it turns out that they didn't encourage her behavior, and tried to talk sense into her.

I'm not happy, but I don't hold them very accountable. If I knew them better, my opinion may be different. If they encouraged my wife then I definitely would act differently. But I can see the uncomfortable conditions that they were put in.

For BRB:

I think back many years ago in college a friend habitually cheated on his girlfriend. I remember thinking, how does she not know, she has to know?! We weren't close and I was young and stupid so I never told her. They eventually married and were together for over 20 years. I later learned he ended up getting another woman pregnant and leaving her for the OW. I know many, many people knew he did this to her over the years. Im guessing no one else told her either.

When you first discovered your WH's infidelity, did you immediately leave? I say this because maybe your college friend's girlfriend did know, but chose the path that she thought was best for her. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if my wife ever cheated on me, I'd be gone before the divorce ink was dry. Yet here I am 15 years later. I can say today, without ANY hesitation, that I am gone if she ever cheats again. But is that really true? There will only be one way to find out. I'd prefer not to be tested that way again.

I agree that if you ask someone that knew and the tell you they didn't, there is no way to validate it and probably not worth the time to find out.

I know there were people who knew, and there were the ones that were just suspect. I am comfortable trusting my gut and reconciled for myself that they didn't owe me or my M any information. That being said, it also let me know who were and were not my true friends which is good to know. It doesn't make someone bad for not saying something, it just means you know their boundaries.

I will also say that the energy you are pouring into this might be well placed being poured into your healing.

I wish you peace as you work through this. I hope you find the strength to be good to yourself every time you get the chance.

Do we all want to know who else knew and never said a word?

They were not very many of them in my case, after my wife's true confession came out, it turned out that she had "friends" that were not "friends of marriage", as a condition of reconciliation, none of those people can be in our lives.

These were people who encouraged her worst impulses and fears. One of them, whom we had known for many years, encouraged my wife to keep a secret bank account (which she never actually opened) in case I were to decide to leave her. This was well before we even had a D-Day. It turned out, in the end, that she also knew my wife was cheating on me when she had her affair.

The only other person who knew, who we did not cut off completely, was my wife's sister. Who lived remotely, and became aware that my wife was cheating on me, did not say anything to me, but I can understand from her perspective, and their family of original issues, she probably didn't really know how to handle it. We've always been cautious around her anyway, because she constantly was involved with married men, cheated on her spouse, who cheated on her, and there were alcohol and drug issues.

My WH’s first cousin knew and helped facilitate the A. She was bffs w the AP in HS and, I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ , maybe she thought it was cool that her cousin (my H) was banging her HS best friend 20yrs later? She (1st cousin) is a piece of shit anyway. She showed up at my husband’s military retirement party - at my parent's home - with a man she went to HS with - NOT her husband. My parents were so confused and kept asking me if that was her husband. The audacity of this tone deaf brain dead individual. So yea she’s absolutely cut out of our lives. Does she care? Nope, not one bit. She’s a narcissist and believes the whole world revolves around her. So no, she never saw or acknowledged the damage this did to me or our kids. I don’t know if my MIL "knew" - she had this philosophy that whatever made her sons happy, then she was supportive of whatever that was. So when H asked me for a D and we separated, she stood by her son. I believe she knew he was involved and suspected he was having an A but may not have never just straight out asked. When we began the reconciliation process, I remember she hugged me and told me that "people make mistakes"! My gawddddd!!! This is also the same woman who tried to minimize her other son’s affairs by saying that "he had needs" (aka sex) - and that’s why he cheated on his wife. I always knew I’d never have her as an ally - she never called out any of her sons’ wrongs - no matter how egregious they were. (She has since passed, and may she rest in peace - but I certainly had issues with her thought process and her allegiances). The AP was a girl my WH went to HS with. His 1st cousin and him are the same age, and from the same small town, so his HS classmates were also her classmates. So whoever their little circle of "friends" were, yes they all knew about it. It was probably about 6 people who knew - none were my friends and I told WH he had to cut all these people out of our lives. They ALL played a part in the deception and facilitation of the A. So it’s always interesting when HS class reunions come around 😂😂 We will never EVER go to one of his reunions. These people are all evil to the core.

I have wondered if anyone saw my husband with his AP. There were probably sme people who at least suspected something happened between the two of them , but more after the cat was out of the bag. I may or may not have trashed his office when I found out just how far it had gone on...like many others, I was told only what he couldn't deny , but found more out on my own.
He brought her here from her home country to work for our business and also met her in Europe when he was supposed to be visiting his elderly parents. I think there might have been a few people who connected the dots. He once took a solo trip for business and met her there. He met with people who also met and hosted me. He tells me she wasn't present and I kind of think he wouldn't be that stupid , but she was there in the small city . I have a grudge against the one woman who works with the company for no legit reason, other than she is from same country and she reminds me of the AP.

I had two friends since high school, who were both extremely close to my identical twin sister. After my husband left me for his best friend's wife, both of those "friends" told my sister they weren't surprised since my EXH had hit on both of them. I never really talked to either of them again upon learning that. Not because I faulted them for my EXH's pursuit, but because they didn't clue me in.

I never confronted them. I just left their orbit. One has since died and the other one lives in another city. My sister remains close with her, which is fine. It was my cross to bear, not hers. I personally don't understand how anyone thinks they are protecting the feelings of the betrayed spouse by keeping them in the dark. If they cared all that much about my feelings they wouldn't have kept me in the dark. I just think they cared more about not being in an uncomfortable situation. It was their own feelings they were worried about.

I know for certain that had I known of my wife's first, and longest affair, I would have informed her AP's betrayed wife about her doctor husband's propensity to spread joy and share his wandering genitalia with nurses at the hospital! A betrayed spouse desperately needs that information to.make an informed decision, not the least of which being whether to remain in the marriage or depart. Nobody deserves to be callously kept in the dark.
I probably, come to view the other question of desiring to know who was aware of the affai(s) both in real time and later on in a way that is colored by the passage of four to five decades since my fWW indulged her.fantasies and lusts with first a surgeon, then a number of men in various occupations and stations in life.
Of those who knew, most were hospital employees, other doctors in the group of Residents who were fornicating with nurses, X-Ray technicians, ward and admitting clerks, candy stripers and even office personnel. There was an unspoken agreement that all were fair game, so nobody tattled on anyone else, especially if they were having sex on hospital premises as they all were according to my fWW.
So do I now care, two years since DDay and fifty two years since the betrayal started? Maybe II less than you.might think I should, Quite possibly half of those in the know who were coworkers are deceased, and I no longer frequent circles in which I would run into people who knew about her affair with the surgeon back then. Does it hurt to recall how when we threw a Halloween party in 1972, by my estimation, based on what my fWW has told me, all the guests from the ER knew, and of course her AP an invited guest, knew. And that explains a certain amount of smirks and sniggering at the poor old cuckold husband whose wife was carrying the surgeon's baby. That still smarts, but less than it used to.
Nobody tried to warn me, with the exception of my personal physician who worked closely with the AP and probably picked up wind of the affair and in a very carefully worded suggestion intimiated I would be well served to discuss with my wife a very important issue. I understand the drift of that message and challenged my fWW however she mounted a loud blustering denial which I, the totally trusting, naive young fool believed.
No question in my mind that my wife's mother knew, she also knew the AP well in her capacity as a nursing instructor who supervised the clinical days of the nursing students at that hospital, and.my fWW informs me, her mother was actively cheating on her father to the point of deciding to divorce him to go live with her AP a gardener at the same hospital, during which she suspense the perjury of my Fed's youngest sister in a masterstroke of projection to swear under oath ( pre no fault divorce) that her father was cheating on the mother.
If I had known the nature of the family I had bitched to, I would have run, screaming, for the hills.
All the wife's sisters knew, so the BIL's probably knew, people at our church, women in the women's groups knew when my fWW let out her secrets in a women's retreat. But I hold my head high, I kept my vows, I worked hard for my family, helped my fWW get her doctorate even as she was screwing another doctoral candidate behind my back. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am working every day to forgive, I am with a new IRC. Rumi, the poet and mystic, offered the advice to bring the pain of the injury you have suffered close to your chest, near to your heart that the pain be converted to empathy and forgiveness and the wounds you have received will become portals for the entry of grace into your soul.
So maybe, it's a reflection of my age, both fWW and I will be 80 before too long and we're too busy repairing the rents in the fabric of our relationship to dwell too much these days on who knew back then. We both understand what she did, and my fWW has exhibited true remorse in very tangible ways, and INE one instance literally saved my life. I hope this helps others..there really is a good outcome possible, if the work is done by both parties.

This topic has stirred up memories of my lifetime where I witnessed or experienced personally other's cheating.
the first was my childhood bestfriend's father. My other best friend and I saw him out with another woman , specifically driving in his newly acquired convertible , with the other woman snuggled up beside him.

Others were being approached personally by other women's husbands, twice..they were casual acquaintences
I personally didn't reveal what I saw or experienced.

Regarding who knew — I see many posts about people who knew but said nothing.

For people being hit on and truly nothing happened, they are in an awkward position. The innocent person is often the one who gets shamed for being honest.

Often the betrayed accepts the lies of the Cheater. It has ruined lives and families etc. b/c the people telling the truth are "troublesome".

How sad for the ones who told the truth to the BS and lost the friendship or connection due to it.