SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I am completely new to this, my DD was June 19th 2024
After a 30 year marriage I discovered my wife had been having a 4 year affair with her boss. I confronted her immediately an she confessed to everything that night. This was a fully engaged affair with meetups in cars, our house, his house, hotels, daily messages, sexting, etc. Basically, a full secret life. To complicate it, we all worked together, had dinner together, were friends, and I completely trusted her around him.
We have both left that job, moved to a new city, and are starting a new life. I believe she engineered this move to get herself away and was planning to end it and never tell, but I found out the night we moved into our new house. I am actually okay with the move and her reasons for doing it.

Since the DD My wife has ended the affair. After the initial shock, I made the decision to try and get through this together. Despite all the pain and anger towards her, I couldn't imagine letting the world know what had happened. I also can't imagine being without her, or navigating kids, family, etc. Before the affair, I would describe our marriage as good to very good, but I knew that something has been "off" with her for a few years. She had been avoiding sex and engaging in excessive spending on personal items, clothing, gym memberships, etc. I also assumed that she had an eating disorder, exercise addiction, and a VERY unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I thought we would be able to work on these things after the move. I never thought she was even capable of this. In fact, to an outsider, it would look like I would be the one seeking an affair. Also, I should add that she had an affair previously over 20 years ago.

Our current situation is that we have been spending hours everyday talking about the affair, our childhood, our marriage, and everything under the sun. I would describe our current relationship as the most honest and intimate relationship I have ever experienced. It's confusing because I currently have everything I would ever want in a relationship. But at the same time I am experiencing intense mood Swings/depression, flashbacks, night sweats, nightmares, and a severe lack of sleep. I feel intense shame. I am afraid that this could derail any hope for lasting happiness together. To be completely fair, she is doing everything she is supposed to be doing now, but she can't erase the past or takeaway the pain. Is there anyone out there that can reassure me that we have a fighting chance to be happy again? Does the pain and loneliness ever go away?

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're hurting. Infidelity pain is the worst. It can also give you PTSD or C-PTSD, leave lesions on your brain similar to what somebody who had a stroke has, and other terrible things.

There are some posts pinned at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some with bull's eye icons that are really good, too. Another resource is the Healing Library, where you can find the list of acronyms we use.

I would recommend IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. Often, they will also do EMDR sessions, which can help you process through the trauma. It sounds like you also need some help with the shame. You have nothing to be shamed about, but I felt the same for awhile. The mood swings are referred to here as the emotional roller coaster. It can pick you up and take you for a ride any time. If you need meds to help you sleep, please see your doctor. I hope you've also seen your doctor for STD/STI checks.

Your WW (wayward wife) should also be tested. She needs IC to dig for her whys and to become a safe partner. The book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a good book for starters. Another one is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. You can read them, too.

In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread with Q&As for people whose WS (wayward spouse) was involved in a LTA. Four years would contain lots of lies and a ton of betrayal.

Sorry that you're here.

Sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. A four year A with a friend of you both is very painful to experience. Sending you strength. Do take care of yourself. I was concerned reading that you are feeling shame because of your WW’s betrayal. You should feel no shame. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. She is solely responsible for her betrayal. Remember there are no perfect M’s or perfect spouses. Your WW vowed to be faithful as long as you are married regardless of the status of your M. Period. Your M did not fail. She failed you. At least twice. Hold your head up. The shame is not yours.

I agree with the advice to see a betrayal trauma specialist. Make healing yourself a priority. Is your WW doing anything to address her willingness to cheat despite how much it hurts you? Is she in IC? Moving away will not make her a safe partner. She has to address her brokenness and selfishness that allows her to cheat. Do get tested for STD’s. There is always hope for R, but your WW has a ton of work to do on herself and it is a very difficult journey.

Always value yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:18 AM, Friday, August 2nd]

Sorry you are here and going through such an awful time. Your WW has really caused you a lot of pain and all those feelings you have are normal as you are trying to process this trauma that she has done to you.

In terms of being able to move forward I would be thinking about her reflections about herself and what led to this behaviour? You mentioned other issues alcohol too is there an unresolved issue from her past? What’s different between this affair and the last one?

Also you mention finding out. Did she come clean and tell you or did you have to do detective work? All of this will help you to evaluate how much you can really trust your WW?

Marriage counselling would probably be best if you still want to try to make it work but you can tell your WW that you need a period of time to think about whether you can continue as this will give you a bit more control and you can see how she responds.

So sorry you find yourself here, betrayal trauma is a pain unlike any other. I hope you can find help and healing here like I did.

I’m not going to lie to you, the fact that she is a repeat offender is a terrible sign in terms of her likelihood of ever becoming a safe partner. How was the first affair handled? Did you process it like you say you are now, or did you rugsweep it and just white knuckle yourself into "getting over it"? Most WS’s have at least the ability to say that they didn’t know how badly the affair would hurt their spouse. Your wife can’t say that. She saw your pain once already, took your grace and now has scorned it and callously disregarded your heart, mind, and soul. Honestly, friend, why do you want to rebuild with such a person? Would you tell your son to do that if he was in your shoes?

Hi, hopeful. So sorry you're here, but here you're among friends.

I, too, am a BS (Betrayed Spouse) to a repeat cheater. I found out the first time and accepted her "I'm so sorry", "That was stupid of me," and "I'll never do it again." However, a year and a half later she was at it again and I found out. This time it was counseling, confession, answering questions, etc. I thought we had tackled that issue and moved on, but I found out many years later that I was the only one who moved on. She kept on cheating, and kept adding men to her list.

Why am I telling you this? Cheating can become an addiction just like drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, computer games, anything. She receives a chemical high each time. This is not only from an orgasm, but the secrecy, the danger, and knowing what she's doing is naughty. Like an alcoholic, she may resort to adultery when triggered by something. It may be something from her past, a lacking (perceived or real) in your relationship, something not up to standard within herself, ...who knows? The key is for her and her counselor to uproot this in her life, have her face it, and find a better way to deal with it instead of cheating. If she doesn't, you'll probably be back on here in a year or so facing the same issue all over again because she simply found a new partner.

Don't be that guy! Since this is the second time you found out (and there may be more), you know this is a problem. If she doesn't get the help she needs, she will never be trustworthy. No trust = no marriage. You can help her find a counselor, or whatever else she is looking for, but >> DON'T DO IT FOR HER! << If she's not willing to put in the effort herself to get to the bottom of this issue, work through the digging and asking "why", any change you see will not be from within. Any and all changes in her to make herself a safe partner must come from her, from within her. Otherwise, she'll just be checking off boxes, and when she gets to the bottom of the list, she'll say that she's done all you have asked of her, but there will be no significant change.

I know this because I did just what I'm suggesting you NOT do. I found the counselors. I arranged the talk times. I came up with, well, everything. All my WW did was what I asked of her. Did she change? Nope. Only when I had put into motion our dissolution did I see her start to see a counselor she herself picked out. By that time, though, it was too late. There was no more trust or interest in her from me. Your WW has to figure out - with the help of a professional - the root cause, what to address and change, and how to get it done.

I hope this helps in some way. I felt you should hear that little speech because I get the opinion your WW is interested in stopping that behavior. This is a good sign, and if it's accurate, she is a good woman. It seems she's already making the necessary outward changes (new job, new neighborhood, etc.), AND she makes the necessary inward changes, you can have a great marriage on the other side. It takes work, and sometimes that includes you. Be prepared for some changes on your part. Does this mean you contributed to her choices? NO! But, it does mean you realize you are not perfect, either, and if you both work together on this problem (which is what married couples are supposed to do), you can be happy together for a very long time!

I hope the best for you. Post often and keep us up to date on what's happening. The more information you provide, the more help we can be.

Please look at what you wrote about your body. Consider that it is equal to her taking a gun and shooting you. Not trying to be dramatic here. You have had the very same catastrophe as you would if physically injured. On top of that this injury was inflicted on you by someone you trusted.

First things first. Go see your doc for meds to calm you down. You are feeling the fight or flight response over and over. Each time your body gets flooded with adrenaline, cortisol, and other hormones which are designed to save your life. The part of your brain that is dealing with this does not recognize where the danger is coming from. It could be a lion but it is this…this overwhelming pain, fear, anger, terror, confusion, angst, and every negative feeling you can have. The problem with continuing to be flooded with these hormones is that the power they give you to save your life are not sustainable. They are short term burst of energy and toxic as hell if they recede only to show up again, over and over. It takes a second for your body to release them and hours for them to leave it. Stress is cumulative and you need some way to slow this response down, hence, the trip to the doc.
Second thing, trauma therapy asap.

But at the same time I am experiencing intense mood Swings/depression, flashbacks, night sweats, nightmares, and a severe lack of sleep.

You just found out less than two months ago that your spouse had been cheating on you for four years. The reaction to this is entirely normal. Your brain is telling you something, namely, that you cannot trust the person that you're speaking to. This person has repeatedly, thousands of times, betrayed your trust, every single day. This was going on for four years.

It is also not the first time she has done something that was of this severity in your relationship.

Your brain is literally trying to reconcile the person that you thought your spouse was with who they really are.

I would be extremely cautious about any conversation to the ability to trust that conversation.

Hi, so sorry you found yourself here. My DD was in 2023 and I can still very clearly remember where I was 6 weeks later, all over the place so please do not be hard on yourself for what you are experiencing right now. It takes far longer to process the situation and deal with it than people who have not experienced it would realise.

I remember being shocked with the advice I was given on this website where people explained that it can easily take 2 to 5 years to fully process and understand the depth of the betrayal. I am now 15 months post DD and know that I still have a way to go to deal with everything that my brain has to process, but I am in a much better place than I was then so trust that it will get better, it just takes time and patience.

I am very glad you have found this website, prior to my DD I had no idea such sites existed but the advice from others greatly helped me to deal with the situation and get my healing process underway. I know it would have been much much harder without the wise heads that you will find here, and on a final note please understand that the advice is well-meant even if it seems painful, and my experience is that everything others say about what will happen is true, their reading of my situation and warning of what was likely to happen next was spot on.

The 2-5 year estimate for recovery is fairly accurate. I'm a little over 2 years past D-Day and while things have changed dramatically and we've learned so much in that time, I still get haunted. I still have bad days. I still at times question if I made the right decision. But I did choose to stay, and so I expected these feelings. Time is going to be the biggest factor. Rebuilding trust is going to take a lot more effort, however. A 4-year affair would be too much for me to overcome. I would be lying if I didn't at least warn you that your marriage might not make it, and that you have to brace yourself to lose everything.

Your recovery is separate from what happens to your M.

The physical and emotional responses you describe seem normal to me. They are very much like what I remember. Being betrayed just overwhelms the BS with anger, grief, fear, and shame. A good IC can help a lot in processing those feelings out of your body. I know my IC helped me a lot. Just hearing from someone experienced in dealing with BSes telling me I was normal was calming. More than that my IC helped me hear and counteract the self-talk that is so antagonistic to healing.

To R, you have to heal AND your WS needs to change from cheater to good partner AND you need to create a new M that you both want and that serves you both. It's a lot of work, but it's rewarding. OTOH, if you or your W aren't willing to do the work, D is likely to be the better option.

You've moved, apparently at your W's suggestion/insistence. That's a good start - it's easier to get the ap out of your lives if you're not near the ap. But ending the A is simply not enough - your WS has a lot of work to do on themself.

She can do the work, but will she? My reco is to focus on your own healing now.

Figure out what you really want. Look at your reasons for for your choice. Don't let fear and/or self-doubt force you into one resolution or another - go for your gold.

Continue to communicate and to monitor your W's behavior. Does her behavior match what she says? Is her behavior what you want in a partner?

Despite the terrible feelings that come with being betrayed, despite the extended period those feelings impact you, you'vegot opportunities now to create a new life that you want.

I am so sorry you are hurting. It really is the worst emotional pain I have ever been through.
Your feelings are completely normal. I also felt like the first six months I was getting so close to my WH and we went through hysterical bonding. I really went through a denial phase and just didn’t want my life to change. I would say at about 8 months the anger and disgust toward my WH really kicked in. I pulled away pretty hard at that stage. I think the gravity of what happened finally hit me. I still do not say I love you or wear my rings. Not sure that I will. He did not tell me everything until a year in to recovery.
My first piece of advice is to make sure there have been no other affairs or one night stands. If you even remotely suspect that, it will haunt you later. I was really just keeping my head in the sand and did not force the issue at first. Once I asked for a polygraph the whole truth came out. I would also be concerned that she did this to you twenty years ago, so I assume you were married ten years at that point.
I don’t know your whole situation and I don’t blame you for wanting to stay but if my WH did this again I would struggle mightily to be in any sort of relationship with him.
You will go back and forth with your feelings likely for years. I had an awful week last week. The pain was so fresh. I feel like I’m still grieving at times more than two years out from first d day.
We also had a very good marriage. We were very regularly intimate and rarely disagreed. I had the same experience though the last two years he was irritable and snappy at me. I thought it was work stress but it was his rotten entitled attitude.
My WH has addictive tendencies as well. He was drinking too much at the time but rarely drinks now. I think this goes hand in hand and that those exciting feel good chemicals from another relationship fuel it continuing. My WH affair was complete cake eating. He wanted me at home but loved the extra attention. I hate it but it is what it is. When it comes down to it they are acting out of broken and selfish places.
My WH has been consistent and very remorseful. I’m hopeful for us but I will never feel the same for him. I bought a home close to a beach in Florida and plan to be there once a month by myself. It has been healing to not focus on him at all. To just be in my happy place without triggers. I do think I would have healed faster if I did not try to reconcile but I think long term reconciling is the better choice for me. (Kids, intertwined finances, shared history).
Do all you can to take care of yourself and watch her actions closely.

My Precious Friend, know this....what you are feeling is normal. You CAN DO THIS.....YES. There CAN BE HEALING....YES.

But this will be with great effort my friend. What saved my sanity was God orchestrated me finding "The Betrayal Bind" book. Please....get this and start reading ASAP. Have your wife read it also.

Next, look up Jake Porter...Daring Adventures. His method of Couples Centered Recovery is really helpful.

Much will depend on your wife. Honestly, you do not know her right now. She is likely in some form of denial or simple does not understand what she has done.

I have heard many say it is good to tell the AP spouse to ensure there is no more contact. Plus...they deserve to know anyway .

Also.. there is a group called "Affair Recovery". They have great programs, and resources, and forums like this.

Don't give up. Seeking the One who designed marriage is sustaining me.

First, a 4-year affair is horrible in and of itself, but the fact that the OM was so integrated into your lives makes it 100x worse. Was the boss married, and if so, have you informed his wife yet? If not, why not? What has your wife told you about the circumstances of their affair ending? It doesn't seem like you quite know.

Second, although you might be grateful that you're far from and no longer working with the OM, that doesn't change the fact that your wife manipulated you into making major life decisions while lying to you and withholding vital information from you. More importantly, your wife might be able to run away from the OM but she can't run away from herself.

Third, on top of the sexual betrayal, your wife is also engaging in financial infidelity and abuse with her flagrant, self-indulgent spending and her excessive drinking. The impression that I'm getting from your post is that you've taken it upon yourself to be the stable and sane adult in the marriage, while she's free to be as reckless and selfish as she wants. Do you have children? If so, then you should be concerned about them growing up within such a toxic dynamic.

Lastly, you say your relationship is the best it's ever been, but I think that's because you're caught up in the throes of "hysterical bonding" (if you're not familiar with the term, you should Google it). You're also in very deep denial about the severity of this betrayal and your wife's deep-seeded character flaws. You think that she's being honest with you, but I sincerely doubt that you've seen more than the very tip of the iceberg. The mood swings, flashbacks, night sweats, nightmares, and a severe lack of sleep are all symptoms of severe trauma that you haven't processed.

Your focus, at the moment, should not be on saving your marriage; it should be on saving yourself. To start, I highly recommend you read the Important Information for Newbies thread that's pinned to the homepage, as well as the article from the Healing Library "Before you say reconcile... recover." https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/reconcile-before-recovery/

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:29 PM, Friday, August 2nd]

First, thank you to all of you! I am overwhelmed with gratitude, it means so much to be heard. I'm going through the most painful event in my life and I have mostly only been able to share it with my WW. Your input is VERY helpful.

Responding to many of the questions. Yes, we are both beginning IC. Because of finances, we are spending the majority of our money on a specialist for her and I have started using Betterhelp for online counseling. It has become painfully clear over the past few weeks that she has serious past trauma and unaddressed abuse that has never been addressed. As for the STD checks, she was having unprotected sex. She told me that she had been checked twice during the 4 years and offered to show me the results. I never followed up, and I probably should just go myself. There is so much to think about, wow!
Regarding my initial decision to stay. Its 32 years of history, 3 kids, joined finances, and complicated life circumstances that make us dependent on each other right now. We did agree to stay together and not make any big life decisions until the end of this year, there is no commitment beyond that. It is also based on her commitment to work on herself. I have made it clear that our previous marriage is over and I am only interested in someone who knows how to love, is trustworthy, kind, and willing to work. If the circumstances were different, I would have left on the first night. At this point, I'm glad I stayed because it is gives me time to consider everything.

To be fair I want to set the record straight regarding her previous affair. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me for this, considering I had my fair share of responsibility for this event over 2 decades ago. I had an affair with a college friend that began with intimate conversations and ended after we kissed. I was so wrecked by guilt that I confessed two weeks later to my then pregnant wife. Trust me, that didn't go over well at all! Two years later she served up her revenge with the neighbor. She did not go any further physically with him than kissing/making out, but this is where she began enjoying the secret life. When I found out by reading their love letters, I was the one who accepted most of the responsibility. I'm sure that wasn't good for either of us.

Some of you posted regarding the depth of this betrayal, and I am very aware of that. In fact, it has been my biggest hurdle. I know that I can't possibly have even scratched the surface. One difficulty is that it has been so long ago, when I questioned her about the beginning, we both had difficulty remembering things. One thing is beginning to become clear through our conversations is that she really didn't do it for sex or for an emotional connection. She thought of it as an escape from her life. She equated it to getting a high, and then coming down really hard. She says she constantly wanted to stop, but couldn't stop. As I said in the last post. I think the drinking, 3 hour exercise sessions, not eating for days, etc. are all connected.

One last comment that I have read a few times and I would appreciate honest feedback. Her AP is in a "fake" happy marriage. I know his wife, she has been over to dinner several times, and I have met his kids. If the roles were reversed , I would want her to tell me about it. I might even want to compare notes. I have also heard that some people would find this to be wrong and vengeful. I have had enough to deal with on my own before thinking about about them, but at some point I need to resolve this in my own head. Obviously, my WW is firmly against it.

Thank you again - You never know how much your kindness and sharing can have a profound effect on someone.

I’m sorry you are here. This is indeed a very complicated situation not least because of your mutual betrayals many years ago. You seem to have a good plan without making rash decisions in the near term while seeking the help you both need.

One last comment that I have read a few times and I would appreciate honest feedback. Her AP is in a "fake" happy marriage. I know his wife, she has been over to dinner several times, and I have met his kids. If the roles were reversed , I would want her to tell me about it. I might even want to compare notes. I have also heard that some people would find this to be wrong and vengeful. I have had enough to deal with on my own before thinking about about them, but at some point I need to resolve this in my own head. Obviously, my WW is firmly against it.

Is the marriage "fake" for the WW or only fake because she doesn’t know the truth of her life? I found out about my wife’s multiple affairs decades later. That complicates things. But I also feel my life was stolen from me. My agency to decide the course of my life was stolen. My opportunity to find a true life partner was stolen. And other people knew. And didn’t tell me. IMO, they are complicit in those thefts.

It isn’t vengeance, wrong or spiteful. It’s the right thing to do. How would you feel if OBS knew and never told you and you found out 20 years down the road? Give this woman the "truth" of her "fake marriage". Also, be selfish and compare notes. That could be vital information to determine if your wife is being fully truthful and deserves reconciliation (R)….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 1:04 AM, Saturday, August 3rd]

Thanks for sharing your insight. I never considered it this. You are right about the passage of time.

Hopeful61924....it really is the right thing to tell the other spouse, regardless of what your wife wants. In addition to doing her the favor, you might be saving yourself from your wife having continued contact with her AP.

Shine the light....

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 3:54 AM, Saturday, August 3rd]

Hopeful, you are right in that there are ssoooooo many details to work through right now, and only you can determine in which order they should be placed. You can only handle so much at a time, so please don't feel guilty or negative in any way about not tackling that issue immediately. Once you tell her, you can't take it back, so tread carefully.

I wanted to focus on that aspect with this post. I did tell the OBS. It really hurt her; but, after she had some time to process this unveiling, she and I shared information and helped each other fill in some holes. Not everyone responds this way. Some OBS's get angry, some get defensive, and some even get revenge for you saying something. Sometimes they defend their WS to the very end. Just be prepared, because you don't know how they will react.

Please ask yourself this question: Am I comfortable being around this couple any more? They have been over for dinner and you have met the kids. Could you repeat that today, even if it was without the AP? You may want to sever any connection you have with that family, if it hasn't been severed already.

I think when telling the OBS, it comes down to that very old and very wise proverb, "Treat other people the way you want them to treat you." If the OBS found out first, would you want her to tell you? I think that should weigh heavily in your decision.

And, of course your WW doesn't want you to tell the OBS. It would reveal the affair, it would shame your WW, it would be embarrassing. No one wants that. At the same time, is it the right thing to do? Only you are in your situation. Yes, many of us have been in your shoes, but not with the same people, and that can make a lot of difference. I know one woman who cheated, but stopped. She never told her husband and neither did anyone else, and that was because everyone knew he was the type of man who would probably kill her, or abuse her terribly. So, it is a very important decision and one not to be taken lightly.

Also, if you tell the OBS, that may derail any progress your WW has made on figuring out why she cheated. She may end up wanting to D and stop going to therapy.

I know I've given you a lot to consider, and I hope I didn't overwhelm you. You are the only one who gets to decide if you tell the OBS or not. That decision is 100% yours. I just want you to feel comfortable with whatever you decide, and to feel confident before you tell the OBS, or not.

Lastly, you are doing very well so far. Don't be too hard on yourself - there are no college courses which prepare you for this situation. You have to go through this and navigate without any preparation. It's very difficult and painful, but you will be ok. Just know that here, you are not alone.

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