SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 5 years out from DDay#3. Most days, my marriage is fine, not great, but "fine." My WH and I have had some rough times, but things are pretty consistent and calm lately.

IDK what it is, (years of lies and cheating and simply being treated unfairly, I guess) but I am so angry towards my WH. I’m so checked out of any romantic type of interaction or intimacy. It makes me cringe.

Maybe I’m healed enough to realize that infidelity was a dealbreaker for me. I don’t believe people that are serial cheaters ever really change. Anyone that can lie and cheat for years, decades must have a horrible character and it must be something that has always been there. I doubt it will ever leave him.

Staying hasn’t been all bad. I still have a decent life with him. I don’t really like who he is though and I think I’m resenting my decision to stay.
I think there is probably something I need to fix in me that would keep me married to someone that did me so dirty. I’ve also lost my faith in counseling so…

Has anyone else had these strong feelings of distain for their WS 5yrs out?

I feel this way at times. I resent him for marrying me quite honestly. I had many many options in my twenties when I married that I know are men that would not have cheated on me. They have had long marriages and are dedicated to their wives. Of course I don’t know anything for sure but knowing your spouse has cheated on you got years when you are close to fifty is just the worst. I hate that I gave him my younger years.
Can I ask you did he cheat on you three separate times and you found out and he cheated again each time? I think that may be your answer why you feel such resentment and disdain.
Mine cheated multiple times over ten years while traveling. They were not emotional affairs and I didn’t find out for a very long time. since I found out he has been faithful. It’s still a very bitter pill to swallow. And one I’m honestly not sure that I can swallow and stay true to myself. I am 2.5 years from d day but I feel myself going in your direction and I don’t like it. I miss feeling romantic towards someone, having anniversaries, feeling a special bond. I loved that about how we were before I knew of the affairs. That special romantic feeling is totally gone for me as well. Yet I would describe our marriage as fine also. He’s actually very thoughtful and a good partner now. The problem is I don’t care much for him at all. I am sorry you are in this place. I hope someone further along will give us some insight.

(((Saltishhealing))) I hate that you are feeling the same as I about wasting your youth on someone that lied and cheated. I have the same shit sandwich for breakfast most days.

To answer your question: yes. My husband cheated with 3 different women that is aware of. I’m sure there were probably more. He only admits to what he has been caught doing.

I am so sorry. It really is a deep grief that I feel like I am going through and I hate that other people are experiencing this. I do think the amount of cheating and lies plays into your feelings. It sounds like he has been unfaithful most of your marriage. Mine was faithful for ten years but I really don’t even feel positive about that fact. If I was honest if I was wealthy and if my older child would not be so devastated by her nuclear family being separated I would move towards divorce. I know in some people’s world money and their children is not a good reason to stay. And I agree if the spouse is continually unfaithful or abusive. Mine has been faithful since I found out and he’s never been abusive in any way. We actually had a very loving relationship. Which actually makes this all the more heartbreaking. I think that people that truly reconcile are able to come to acceptance in some way and are able to see the positives in their spouse. That seems to be a very big hurdle for me and I do think the multiple affairs makes it all the harder. If I found out again about more cheating after I had found out (he cheated all this time and I did not know) then I don’t think I could overcome that. That may be the issue for you is that he’s seen you in pain and continued his behavior. Big hugs to you. I don’t know what is best in your situation but I hear you and I’m wishing you peace.

I feel the same. The specialness has gone. I don’t feel the same about my marriage or him. I feel I am between a rock and a hard place. I can’t see me trusting anyone enough to have what I wanted from a relationship. I don’t want another man or woman in my kids lives. I don’t want him to bring someone into their lives - he has poor judgement and that is dangerous. I have realised how devious and nasty people are. What lengths they will go to for their own gain. I’ve been sexually assaulted before but I still trusted other people, wary but trusting. I thought most people were fundamentally good. Now I’m not so sure. I am not risking bringing partners into their lives. They deserve better. I promised them better.

I don’t see the world the same anymore. I wonder how many people are lying to their family.

My husband initially thought the specialness would still be there. Over the last year as his reality has hit he has realised what has been lost. He cries regularly, some weeks daily. Sometimes I comfort him. Sometimes I don’t.

It’s been over 2 years now. I am rarely angry any more. But I have no spark. I look forward to bedtime and sleep. It’s really sad.

Early on he said ‘I never felt special anyway’. It was no doubt a lie to justify. But he has realised Gottmans books would have got us back on track - they did - then I found out he was a cheat. We both know deep down it was a dealbreaker for me. I didn’t need a husband with a good job or money. Solvent yes. But the specialness is what I cherished. Cards, memories and photos. A history. I felt he was home. I don’t have that and it’s what I really ‘needed’ (sorry unmet needs makes me chuckle now). He admitted some of his behaviour was to hurt me (not that he told me). He was malicious. I feel sorry for him. I adored him. He was scared I’d leave. He didn’t like himself. But he blamed me. Foolish.

We get on fine. Loads in common. We have fun. But I feel dead inside. some days I feel I am in hell.

I come on here to remind myself people do have integrity and people can be kind. That the world is okay and some people look out for each other. So thank you people.

Just to add I have a very remorseful spouse who no longer blames me at all. He has worked hard on defensiveness and saying things he is uncomfortable saying. He no longer avoids confrontation. He is all in.

I am good at forgiveness. I have forgiven and in the main forgotten some nasty stuff that has happened to me.

Yet this was a step too far. I am sad for us all.

Learningtofly17 - I'm the survivor of a LTA w/multiple DDays and a Cease & Desist for her continuing to reach out. I consider myself "as healed as I'm going to get" as healing is not linear. And I considered our marriage "as healed as it going to get" as marriage is not linear. DDay1 was 7 years ago.

BUT...I get what you say. Realistically I am good, WH is good and our marriage is good. Idealistically, however, infidelity is a deal breaker. Some days wrapping what's left of my mind around this is a mindfuck.

Understand. You reserve the right to tap out at any time. You reserve the right to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you gave it all you had. You have every single right to say you can't stay married anymore. And you have the right to grieve that decision.

As a result of the actions of others - you are not the same. Your marriage is not the same. And that is OK. Not the same doesn't have to mean bad. And it doesn't mean you have to continue in the marriage.

I’ve also lost my faith in counseling so…

I get that. I do. So I ask you, what do you have faith left in? If the answer is "nothing" then I ask what are you willing to do to try to find faith in something again? Think on that - what can you do for you? Take this time to figure it out.

I have the same shit sandwich for breakfast most days.

When - and only what and if - you are ready - you can order something else off the menu. Something decadent and delicious.

I agree, it's the hardest part, losing the specialness feeling--which is replaced by anger for the life I was conned out of. No matter how good the good days are, it always comes back to knowing that my H valued all women over me during the time (ie entire relationship) when I believed I was his #1. He was always my #1.

The naive me is gone and is replaced by someone who, at best, is cautiously optimistic. But my baseline is now pessimistic. If someone asks me if my H is faithful now, all I can say is, I hope so! That creates a lot of anger that I can't be confident in my marriage and my family life.

Infidelity is certainly a dealbreaker for most situations, but if one has young kids like I do, the betrayed lose either way. D means I lose my children half the time, they lose stability, and the trajectory of our lives is completely changed for the worse. R and D are both equally bad choices, in my opinion. It's unlikely that one will result in a determination that this was the best path forward and life is so much better now. I don't know how life can be better when I'm separated from my kids for half of their entire childhood. Unless it's a completely toxic situation, anyone who says staying for the kids is bad is either not a parent or not a good parent. I put my children first and deal with anger on my own.

There are lots of ways to resolve anger - exoress it - scream, punch a pillow or punching bag, destroy dishware, clean, take time for yourself alone, breathe deeply, meditate, yoga, Tai Ji Quan (sp? formerly known as T'ai Chi Ch'uan'), Aikido, other martial arts, etc.

If you don't express anger, you can give it up - for example, realize you can't change the past and decide to accept that. Accept that there is no justice here.

But a good therapist can help a lot, IME.

*****

Why stay if it's like eating shit?

I don't understand. I ask because I never saw it that way. My view is/was that my W cheated, and I made a free choice to stay. I can imagine that small kids and big mortgages make your life not as free as mine was, but can you give yourself credit for making the best choice you (thought you) had under very difficult stresses?

Knowing what you know now, would you have made a different decision? Do you want to make that different decision now?

Sometimes it's best to make decisions based on finances, children, the color of the carpet - rarely, IMO, but is yours one of those cases when you had 2 bad choices and took the best route for you at the time?

I guess I suspect you may be beating yourselves up for stuff you're not responsible for....

Has anyone else had these strong feelings of distain for their WS 5yrs out?

I am also 5 years out from dday 3 (gulp - 5 now - amazing). I had d-day 1, then false R for a year while A was underground, d-day 2 followed by 3 months of them breaking it off then A resumed for IDK 2-3 months - then d-day 3. I ended up divorcing and moving away but we still date now, long distance, and very sporadically, but we talk all the time. My trust in him is restored as much as it's ever going to be. That being said, I never regained the intimate connection we had before. Granted I'm perimenopausal so I'm told that's possible to happen anyway. But, it has come back more than when I was still there (due to COVID lockdown I ended up physically staying after we divorced and the A was over for about a year, WH was in IC in earnest and really started to make changes that were attractive to me). But until I left and had a better sense of ME, I really could not find the willpower to even attempt to rekindle any of those old feelings. Actually until I left I really believed infidelity was a dealbreaker...now, maybe not...I think there is more too my mixed feelings now. A lot of that being my really liking my free time and my ability to make decisions on my own without having to worry about someone else too much. It doesn't mean I don't consider them - it just means I put myself first a lot more than I used to. And that has been the biggest difference IMO - when I was still there I felt like a part of me was betraying myself by sticking around. Now that I have ME back I can focus on the rest if I want to.

That might not be you, but I think that's where I am at at 5 years.

EDIT:

I hate that I gave him my younger years.

I am in the right around 50 club, but I would say reframing where you are at will help you lose that feeling above. The thing is you don't "know" what would have happened had you not hooked up with your WS. You just don't - you can't. Sure, it could have been better but you also may have attached yourself to someone who didn't cheat on you, but they may have other horrible attributes, you may have grown apart from them - all kinds of things could have happened - the whole "who knows what goes on behind closed doors" thing. You just don't know. My therapist talked to me about that quite a bit - pining for a past you know even know would have existed is just wasting the present.

The better question is: what are you going to do now? To think you could not leave and find someone else at 50 is honestly silly - you can. In fact it seems like in the 40s and 50s is when most divorces/breakups of long term relationships happen so the pool of available candidates is a lot larger than it was in your 30s. I was trying to rent my guesthouse out recently and it seemed like everyone who applied was in their 40s or 50s and in the process of or just getting divorced. And I had a lot of applications. Not all of these people are "bad apples" - not even close.

So what are you going to do with years you have? Keep giving them to your WS or wait another 20 years and then say "I should have left when I was 50"? I'm not saying you need to leave but if after 5 years there is no shame in thinking about it. Don't fall prey to the same sunken cost fallacy that likely helped keep you with them during d-days 2 and 3.

EDIT #2:

abcd89 you said "I am not risking bringing partners into their lives." My mom had an A and she brought her partners into our lives anyway (and all of her lies and manipulation - and it did harm us). I am one of those BS who also lived through one of their parents having an A as a child (and getting pregnant with an OC) and is staunchly against staying together "for" the kids. So that's where I come from. Living that life, unless you have yourself, you don't realize that staying together is a big gamble about how great things will be for your kids. For example I loved the 50/50 split as a kid for the most part - way better than them together after they finally divorced, and I felt the tension but NEVER mentioned it to my parents nor would I, and holding that in caused me a lot of issues as a young adult.

Ultimately, I would warn, be careful what you are teaching your kids - they take in a LOT more than you think:

I don’t see the world the same anymore. I wonder how many people are lying to their family.

My husband initially thought the specialness would still be there. Over the last year as his reality has hit he has realised what has been lost. He cries regularly, some weeks daily. Sometimes I comfort him. Sometimes I don’t.

It’s been over 2 years now. I am rarely angry any more. But I have no spark. I look forward to bedtime and sleep. It’s really sad.

This makes me so sad for you. But would you want this life for your kids? Are you planning to leave your WS when they are old enough? If not, WHY?

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:19 AM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Your post hit home for me. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm only one year out but the specialness is gone for me and I know others say it's early days but it hasn't come back, even by a little.

I'm struggling to find the right therapist as well. The therapist I was seeing before DD is like WHY are you staying?! I was in therapy because I was so unhappy in our relationship. Now he is doing all the right things I had been wanting/needing but the specialness is gone. So I've tried new therapists who are more into reconciliation but then I feel like I'm forcing things. It's like there is no good fit. I've tried 5 ICs and 5 MCs, with no luck.

My marriage is fine too now, but I also cringe regarding intimacy. How are you handling this? How is your Wayward handling this?

So sorry.

Has anyone else had these strong feelings of distain for their WS 5yrs out?

It was one of the major reasons I left my M as I did not want to feel that way anymore. My xWS was not remorseful and gave me many D-Days including False R. It just does a number on you. Some things you just can't come back from and that was the case for me.

Life has been amazing since I left and all that is GONE. I live a happy and peaceful life now and have also been with my new partner who really showed me what it means to be loved and have empathy for one another.

We only have this life and I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of it with my xWS.

I loved my ex-husband deeply until the very end... but I couldn't trust or, just as importantly, respect him. That was the death knell for our marriage.

I don’t believe people that are serial cheaters ever really change. Anyone that can lie and cheat for years, decades must have a horrible character and it must be something that has always been there. I doubt it will ever leave him.

And you're completely right about this. Theoretically, anyone can change. Practically and statistically speaking, serial cheaters won't. Any person who stays with one is sitting on a bomb that will go off again at any time.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:51 PM, Tuesday, August 20th]

Me too! I fight feeling so angry at my WH for what is, what was, and what could have been. He, too, is a long-time serial cheater. I felt so numb, duped and naive when I finally put it together and confronted him. The history spilled out over months, becoming more awful with each admission. The past 2.5 years have been a whirlwind.

I believe he is no longer cheating, but that is not because he has had some emotional awakening. It's because I know where he is at any given moment. I track him on my phone and there is no more OOT travel. He's on a short leash, so to speak. He says its over. He wants a life with me. I mostly believe him. But not because I am that special, but it's that our life of 40 years together is special and not replaceable. He know he has a lot to lose and the risk is not worth it. Plus, I can see the change. His attention and time is now on me. Sometimes one's treasure is simply where he decides to put it.

The thing is that I also have a lot to lose. Our life, our family, our friends, our memories, are all intertwined and part of us. Tearing that "us" in half is like splitting Solomon's baby - there are only losers. Given that he wishes to keep the marriage and is doing his part, then I decided it's best for me to accept what was and all that it means. I am trying to overcome the anger and bitterness that continues to boil up. I am trying to accept that I was not the wife to inspire a lifetime of perfect love. Perhaps most helpful, I am trying to accept my WH for who he is - a flawed, self-centered man of limited emotional depth and not the wonderful man I thought I'd married.