SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are the most pathetic human being I have ever met. Just one normal email. Just one would be nice. One communication without a jab or a dig or some cluster B crap worked in. God, it must be exhausting to be you.

So, after I chucked you out when I could no longer take your lies, you are finally showing us all who you really are. The loving caring devoted, adoring husband has left and been replaced by a nasty vindictive pathetic piece of shit.

You actually want me to stop demonising and blaming you? Who the fuck else had affairs, tried it on with a number of my friends, convinced me to open our relationship so that you could betray me in plain sight? Who else trashed our marriage? Not me.

You were never worthy of me. And you knew that. Well all our friends and half your family know your dirty little secrets even the one about the sexual assaults. They can see your facade slipping and showing the pathetic manipulative misogynistic shit of a man you really are. I hope you choke on your viagra.

But know this. I’m better than you more resilient than you and you have given me a gift. I will rise from this shit show you’ve landed me in and destroy you, you weak piece of shit

Someone tried to contact me twice through my workplace. I guess they pretended to be a client of sorts but wouldn't say who they were.

The phone number isn't yours but I figure it has to do with you. It's just weird you'd use a different number to call my workplace. Not like they'd know yours.

But they all know my situation. So they asked her to stop trying to contact me through work since it's disruptive

It might be regarding money so I'm sending you a letter with my banking details tomorrow

I know it's wrong, but I so badly want to message you and laugh at you because she left YOU for a...

Cos-play version of you?

Seriously?

I want to despise you, but I can't. I pity you. I wonder what happened to you before we met that you brought so much chaos into our home and caused so much damage over the years - a cargo ship of feces!

I understand you were unhappy that you didn't get the husband or life that you wanted or expected. But I don't understand why you sabotaged me. Nor do I understand why you acted so selfishly, causing so much pain and hurt to the children.

I don't understand why you don't keep the commitments that you demanded be memorialized in the divorce decree. Is it you think you hurt me by hurting the children. Oh, wait, like I said in court, you won't keep a vow you made before God and 500 of our family and friends, what on earth makes anyone think you'd be bound to a court paper that was nodded to before the court reporter. Oh, that's right, you lied about your faith too. So yes, your word means nothing. I know you're lying by your lips moving...learned that from your mom?

That I'm cleaning up your messes again: what you're reneging on in terms of commitment to our daughter,'cause you know that I won't let her down.

You have the temerity to tell our daughter that she's got Stockholm Syndrome and I'm a NPD. Face it, they chose to stay with me because they understand the difference between weird and bat shit crazy! Yes, I'm weird, I was a stay home dad: I nurtured and nursed them, I taught them right from wrong, I spent time with them, I encouraged them to speak up for themselves, I accepted them and loved them unconditionally. And I still do.

You sent naked pics of yourself through the family shared email, you dropped your vibrator on the wooden floor over our son's room while sexting some a**whole with the volume all the way up on your iPad, you took the food money to buy plane tickets to have a weekend tryst (oh he promised to reimburse you for travel, but you took the money and bought new underwear and a plane ticket to meet another adulterous prick - and you don't understand why the word "whore" applies to you?).

You planned the divorce with your family of origin and your mother bank rolled it. You took money from our account and used it for down payment on leased car in your mother's name so you had no asset. Sneaky slimy loathsome pieces of excrement - you and your whole family.

That you lied and distorted and betrayed so much so often to so many. You never apologized, you never forgave, you never took responsibility, (your moma rescued you from big bad me 'cause blood's thinker than anything - just like she bailed out your convicted pedophile brother - never questioning or doubting your veracity) but why didn't your mother do anything for our children? Their her blood too?

It was our daughter who did the research and proposed that you have borderline personality disorder "BPD." It was our children who said you are abandoning us. I never put those words in their mouths. What a legacy!

So, I've spent four years in weekly therapy. I'm not NPD. More likely PTSD from living with BPD. I've taken a look back and I see I made some whopper mistakes.

For all the mistakes I've made that hurt you or disappointed you or embarrassed you, I AM SORRY! Please forgive me? I, like you, am human. I'm imperfect. I had my own rose colored glasses and viewed the world through a narrow lens. I've learned that my message may have been on point, but my delivery sucked.

I'm sorry I didn't make as much money as I dreamed I would before we got married - as it turns out the kids needed attention that I felt more important than money, so yes I put my time and energy into them, not the career.

I understand now that I don't control you and never did. I did ask for your help and asked for your participation, but in a manner that you couldn't/wouldn't respond to, and it became a battle for power and control. But, hell, three head on collisions with the kids in the car? Something needed to change. It wasn't me behind the wheel or even in the car. Did you know that falling asleep behind the wheel is on it's face evidence of negligence?

After all we have been through, that you'd throw in the towel just as the children were taking off for college? The hardest part was over, the kids were ready to take off on their own and engage the world. No, you have to have your shit show and piss on their respective graduations, college visits, school selections, and then deliberately sabotage the financial aid applications. And they know that is all you.

All the time and money spent on divorce. I'm heart broken. You say you had enough, but of what? you were out drinking after work when you told me you were working overtime. You came home and passed out until dinner was ready for five years! You were too (I don't know what) to do laundry or got to the kids school activities, all you had energy for was to bitch, complain, deride, undermine, lie, and screw other men. And that is somehow all my fault.

Do you remember the day our daughter did that magazine survey test? the one hundred questions? She interviewed you first privately, then she interviewed me. About half way through my interview she started crying. At the end she said she didn't understand, "...dad, you answered 99 of the questions for mom correctly, but she only answered one right for you! What's wrong?"

I don't think I started as codependent, but I sure tried to know you and please you. But as Hank Williams said, I tried and I tried to keep you satisfied, but you just wouldn't be....

If you read this and recognized me or yourself here, I really do wish you peace and healing. I don't want you back in my life, but I do wish you could have a healthy relationship with our daughter because that's what she wants with you. I know I've grown and changed, so I can't rule out that possibility for you.

I'll close on this: Over the last two years I was terrified about losing our daughter to suicide. All I heard was her pain, her anger, her rage, reports on you not keeping your word, late with documents due to school like proof of medical insurance, and unpaid co-pays so she couldn't register for next semester, or that you had been in town every other weekend since the divorce, but only made time to visit with her twice in two years. Then one day, after I had just spent two hours listening to her cry, complain, and grieve, you called. She got on the phone with you and told you all about how great school and work and friends and the apartment and the car and life was. For a moment I was stunned. Who was this person - who's life is she talking about. I asked her about it after she got off the phone with you. She said, "..Dad! We both know we can't trust mom. What kind of fool would I be to waste my time telling her my problems or real feelings? She'd either blame me for it or hang up the phone on me.

And yes, dad, I see your point: I'll start sharing the good stuff with you going forward. And Dad, your the best mother I ever had!"

The ball is in your court. The opportunity is there. Will you seize it? Or will you blame someone else for what you missed?

Thank you for leaving. thank you for my new life.

So

[This message edited by Healershaman at 12:02 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

You lied to me again. And then you said you were "eaten up with guilt about lying" and you admitted that you lied about a female colleague traveling with you last week (I had already figured this out on my own) but then you didn't say anything else. Why even lie about something like that??!! So I looked at your phone (after a long time of not checking up on you) and it turns out you're still lying by omission. You neglected to tell me about eating dinner together or traveling together or working together in the evenings. You also lied about not knowing she was going on this trip in advance. You said you found out three days before (and you used this as excuse for why you didn't tell me ahead of time), but in fact you personally made her hotel reservation, at the same hotel you stayed in, ten days in advance.

Tonight you came into my room all snarky and asked if I had found anything interesting on your phone because you had noticed that I was snooping again. When I said yes, you wanted me to tell you what I knew. I told you I was tired of playing games, that if you didn't have anything to tell me then you didn't have anything to tell me. I didn't appreciate that you told me to piss off and then stormed out of the room while kicking the door and throwing things.

This is why I am done. You don't have it in you to actually be honest and I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life policing an overgrown adolescent.

I hate you so much right now for what you have done to delay my progress. Using the illness of our dog as an “in” to pull at me emotionally... to say you have changed and you want to come back and be there for me and protect me. I almost gave in. I almost said yes. And then I saw the posts from your nasty troll of a whore... that you guys are so fucking happy and arrogant about it. The fact that you allowed that says you have no idea what it looks like to protect me. It wouldn’t be that hard to say “hey TROLL girlfriend, I’m still married and we really hurt my wife. I’d prefer we keep this more private for now.”

And now that I know you are a liar and incapable of caring for me in the way I deserve, I’m having to start over with NC. And it’s HARD. The addiction to you was back. I thought I was stronger and could resist... but it’s like heroin. I know it hurts me, but I keep wanting you to be the man I wish you could be.

Your email today is so hard not to respond to. Telling me I’m cruel and that I can have my divorce... it just confirms that you never wanted me back all that badly. You sick fuck. You just love hurting me. I’m done. No dog, no access to me, nothing. You get crickets. CRICKETS.

what the silence isn't working so now the love bombing begins? If you were so interested in the 'family unit' you wouldn't have continued to put me through 2 years of False R and a new D-Day.

That's great you will not let 'this ONE incident define you' you even lie about the number of incidents too make it seem less traumatic I guess.

I honestly wish i never met you. You took the light from my eyes and the depths of my soul and you wanna talk about making things right again.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

Nothing like screaming in my face you resent me for being sick and depressed because of your 25 years of cheating and lies and abuse to show me you are “walking over broken glass” to try and Hail Mary this with 2 months to go in a required 12 month separation. Give me a freaking break. You really do think I’m fucking stupid. PS whining I’m going to “take you to the cleaners” and “nothing is ever good enough” certainly underscores your motives.

Oh and admonishing me to “focus on the good” when you started cheating before we were even married and for 25 years? I just can’t even.

It’d be hilarious if your delusions weren’t so scary.

[This message edited by 3greatkids at 6:03 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

After all these years I finally figured it all out with two simple words,

"Narcissistic Disgard"

It changed everything for me and I now realize why our whole relationship was the way it was. From beginning to end, it reads like a psychology textbook.

I'm almost sorry you will be like this till your lonely final days. When you had someone that loved you so much,but you can't feel anything for anyone....especially yourself.

I will work hard for our son to never grow up like this, to never have to go through life so empty inside.

Please be safe, 3greatkids. Your WH is a dangerous man. Go read Scooby's threads if you haven't already. Your WH's actions are eerily similar to her's so please take extra care. Install home surveillance cameras if you can. Have someone you trust on speed dial. Alert the police if he makes even one threat against you. Stay safe.

How could you care so little about me and care so much about her? How could you let go of our marriage or even our friendship that easily? You know the pain you caused me. You say you're sorry and ashamed and guilty. But you're not sorry enough to fix. You don't want me anymore I get it. But don't discard me like I mean nothing to you. The least you could do is settle and end things with me properly.

My friends are flying a thousand miles and buying real estate in my town, and visit me every time they are here. Your "friends" didn't even get off the expressway to see you.

Have you ever wondered why?

You piece of shit.

You act cool, you act cold, but I saw your reaction tonight when our mutual friend was over hanging out with us. When we mentioned the mishap where she once accidentally saw my nuts through a hole in my pants.

She's endlessly teased me about it for five years, and I've always brushed it aside out of embarrassment. But you know what? You whore? How many other dudes have seen your naked body, and you revel in it?

So I teased back and ran with it. I made her giggle. I made her blush and laugh. I didn't mince words. I flirted and she responded and you? What did you do?

You sat there in your bed with your laptop on playing your video game and you didn't say another word to me for the rest of the night. You hardly talked to your friend, so we chatted instead.

Yeah, you don't fucking like it when *I* have those kinds of joking, flirty conversations in front of you, do you?

Go fuck yourself. I hope it hurt. I hope it gave you the same sick feeling in your stomach that your bullshit conversations give me.

Was it in good taste? Hell no it wasn't. But what the FUCK would you know about having good taste?

Don't send me messages to talk about the new season of a TV show we watched together always. First off it was triggering and shitty for the opening credits to come on and be alone. But I’m not telling you that, and I’m not your buddy to chat about TV with. Hit up one of those whores- oh wait, their English isn’t nearly good enough to follow it and the brain power is severely lacking for interesting conversation.

I’m not your friend. I’m not friends with people like you.

All of the signs were there.

I didn't want to see them because I wanted to see the best in you.

I see now all of the times you took your phone with you into the bathroom, in the morning and in the evening for so long.

All of the times you were in a terrible mood and snapped at me for no reason.

All of the times you were annoyed when I tried to talk and you would just go "mmm".

All of the times you went out without me bc it seemed like you couldnt get enough time away. I think of that time in May you stormed in the house in a rage after work and informed me you were going out with your brother and his friends, and you didnt want me to come.

All of the late nights and being defensive about spending so much time at work. The time you went over to your dads and stayed all night and were so cold to me. For all I know you slept with her then.

I know you met her the night before I asked you to move out. It makes sense now why you were acting so weepy and guilty. I learned the signs of your lies; you laugh when you are caught off guard, or you get dead quiet or deflect when you don't want to reveal the truth.

I know you have been cheating since at least May, probably before. That's when you wrote me that birthday card about how you wanted to spend many more years together.

You were so good at faking.

I know you do kiss her like that. You laughed when I asked.

You must think I'm stupid if you expect me to believe you haven't had sex.

I will be getting an STD test and will forward that bill.

All those times you would grope me in my sleep. You would apologize and laugh when I told you. Feeling guilty again.

Then when we had sex, you had to have been using me.

You said you were always present with me but that's not true because you would text her while sitting next to me or get up from spending time with me to go to the bathroom to text her. Why should sex be any different.

You have taken choices from me and denied me the knowledge that would allow me to consent or not. It makes me sick how you made me participate in betraying myself. I would never have slept with you if I knew the truth. I wouldn't have kept trying to be close to you if I knew you thought of me as a disposable, toxic person.

What a complete lack of respect.

You were the one person I trusted completely and now I see everything you have said and done is a lie. Nothing feels real or good anymore. I can't trust my perception of anything, my memories, my identity, my ability to trust people have all been crushed.

You worked yourself up into such a state of silent anger towards me and used it to justify what you did. There is no excuse. You started rewriting the history of our relationship to make me seem like a nothing, as if I gave you nothing. You told her personal things about me and my flaws. What a sick thing to bond over. It's so much easier to build a new connection after you devalue the one you had.

You looked down on me and I should have noticed your disrespect sooner. The guilt you have shown has been so self serving, always looking for me to soothe you.

You did what you wanted and you didn't care about the consequences because it was all about you.

You weren't even going to tell me you were leaving because you cheated. It would be so much more convenient to make me think it was because of my faults or you just weren't sure. Keep me hanging on so you could keep seeing her and making sure that relationship would work out.

All that shit about "I have to see what else is out there. I wonder if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life".

You already knew!

I see you for who you are now.

Inside you are empty, building yourself up through the validation of others.

Lucky you, not having to work on that emptiness because you already have a replacement partner.

I served your purpose of being a security blanket in the meantime, until you could find someone "better".

Maybe what was "missing" with me was you actually giving a shit and being present and open to sharing.

I can't believe you would think I'd want to be your friend after the way you have treated me.

I never want to see you again.

One day I'll wake up glad to be free of you because I'm only beginning to realize now how deep the abuse has been. You have emotionally and sexually abused me.

It's like you never loved me at all. That's what you did when you cheated.

How does it feel to have the 21 years of our relationship defined by your biggest mistake? Or do you just not care that you became a person without integrity or courage or decency?

I see now why you were repulsed when you looked in the mirror that night. It has to be hard facing the fact that you are a fake cheating liar. And still you let me comfort you.

I think back on the times I asked you to get counseling with me and you said that work was too busy; Dec 2017. You were always too busy. Maybe you were already done or with her then. I will never know. I do know that I tried so hard to connect with you but you wouldn't meet me halfway.

Now you have your perfect relationship you're probably just relieved to have it finally somewhat out in the open.

But it has all been built on lies.

Do you think you're suddenly a different person?

You are living in fantasy land.

Maybe one day you will finally truly face yourself in the mirror, and I hope you will take a good long look and not paper over the discomfort with someone else's love.

I don't forgive you.

What you did was calculated and cold over a period of time. You chose to lie over and over again.

You are a cruel person and if I could wipe out my memories with you, I would.

I hope it hurts you so bad one day, knwoing what you threw away.

The only thing you could possibly do to make this a tiny fraction of a percent better is to let the divorce go smoothly and quickly.

I hope it embarrasses you to get served at your work. Don't expect me to talk to you ever again. The only time I will be forced to hear your voice is in court.

[This message edited by HauntedEcho at 10:39 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Haunted echo, I could written everything you wrote. I’m so sorry. The biggest betrayal was how they use as emotional support while doing this..,it is so sick. Fuckers.

You gaslight me constantly. Even when you are literally caught dead to rights you spin it or try to.

What makes me the most furious and sad is that you blame me for the demise of our marriage when I literally did noting wrong. I cooked, cleaned, went on your work trips (until you wouldn't let me so you could fuck around), I never turned you down for sex, I was always up for any activity.

I didn't yell, rage, name call, eye roll or other wise diminish you. I sang your praises from the rooftops. I gave you everything - a car, a home, my family, my friends, took you on trips and you thanked me by being petty, entitled and a lying cheating asshole.

You've even told people I'm a jealous lunatic, psychotic all for catching you cheating - and I didn't even rage - though I should have. You have no problem making me look bad to my friends and associates - based on lies.

I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. I'm ashamed and embarrassed for being so stupid, for having another failed relationship. I said I was never getting involved with anyone again seriously let alone married, but you showed up and molded yourself into precisely what I wanted, kept it up for long enough to convince me to marry you and just continued behaving like you were single, only now with my financial support to better be able to afford all the escorts.

And even after all of this comes out - you blame, you minimize, you say this "happened to us" - you happened to us asshole. There was no us though - because you were a figment of your own imagination - you weren't real. You are fake, weak and immoral.

I will be strong again. I will be full of joy and life and activities and friends and career highs. You will go from one unsuspecting mark to another, ruining lives until you're too old to pull it off anymore.

I hope you feel everything you made me feel. I hope you regret it with every fiber of your being.

I was doing so good for a weeks and now I’m

So freakin lonely I feel like I’m going to explode. When I’m working and busy it’s easier not to have time to think but being off, it’s hard to hold it together. Ugh, I’m lonely and I hate it. Why do people cheat and we have to lose a safe world we thought we had. How do they do it and why wasn’t I more important. Ughhhhhhhhhh

Hello You, I read an article in the Times today that could have saved my sanity. It was about a German word- liebeskummer-

"an emotional pain that can impair the body... it can knock you badly off course and make your everyday life impossible. You lose your appetite, lose weight and are more likely to get ill. The whole body is just weakened."

I did wonder if I was going a bit bonkers in the aftermath of what you did- pretend R for 6 weeks and all that you said that I won't go over again that is culminating in you suggesting I could have given us ANOTHER chance.

You did not like the NC approach that I resorted to to save my mashed brain and broken heart from any more damage. I wanted to mend; I needed to before I broke beyond repair.I wanted you to take seriously my request for you to go NC with her, do IC, get a new job and work on your limerant, AP addicted brain to see if WE stood a chance once you had broken it off properly with her. But no, you could not wait, did not want to end up alone, needed guarantees from me that I was in no place to give.

Now you are continuing to rewrite our past. In Haunted post I read what I could have said, word for word-

You worked yourself up into such a state of silent anger towards me and used it to justify what you did. There is no excuse. You started rewriting the history of our relationship to make me seem like a nothing, as if I gave you nothing. You told her personal things about me and my flaws. What a sick thing to bond over. It's so much easier to build a new connection after you devalue the one you had.

You looked down on me and I should have noticed your disrespect sooner. The guilt you have shown has been so self serving, always looking for me to soothe you.

You did what you wanted and you didn't care about the consequences because it was all about you.

Then the article I read went on to say the best cure for this Liebeskummer is. COLD TURKEY "is the best way to vanquish it."

You refused to do that with her for me and now I am resorting to doing this with you- you who were my only true love and husband of nearly 25 years, my best friend, confidant and partner in life. I loved you, so much. I was not enough.

So I will not be sharing my pain with you. I will not be telling you how many more times I may cry, I will not be letting you know any of this. Nor will I share my joys, news of how I bought a car for our youngest today, how we talked about when we may sell the house, what I will be doing this week, how my race went on Saturday, who is coming over...nothing. I am now going to focus on getting to the other side of this.

That is my goal. I don't hate you, I don't wish you any ill will, I want my sons to have a decent dad and will continue to encourage them to speak to you.

I have written this so I can stay NC with you and begin to heal from the damage you have inflicted on my soul. I know you have read some of my other posts on here. Know this if you are still following me- I will live my best life, our places will become my places, I will not be shying away from the area I love simply because you carried on with her there, and because of those 2 wonderful boys I will never once regret being married to you. They are awesome.

In some ways I hope you never read this, but at least this forum means I can get it off my chest and keep NC, fight the urge to be weak and needy towards you, keep strong and keep healing.

To all the fellow BSs on here I send you so much respect and also hopes for our futures- futures full of truth, joy, kindness, true friends, peace and- if it should happen, love again. xx