SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DS has ALWAYS wanted a garden. We never were stable enough in one place. Maybe moving this summer, maybe next and don't want to tear up the lawn, etc. I always scraped something together for him to grow, sometimes with my mom's "help" giving him random tomato plants. You NEVER were involved. I gave him a garden this year because he deserved it, even though I was still waiting on you to decide whether we were even staying here, because you are "skeptical" of my need for predictability and stability. You wouldn't give me the stability I need to plant my son a real garden, but I did it this year anyways. Even though if I didn't have a support order I know you would ask me why my credit card bill was a couple hundred higher than normal this month. Because I bought our son a raised garden bed.

Now you have the nerve to move away and grow your own garden of plants so you can share it with all your new "friends," and show it off to your son because you know he's interested in it, but he can't see it or touch it or taste it. You THINK you're doing something good but you are just managing your image. You are just trying to make your son more sad that he's not with you. You are spending money on this and refusing to guarantee keeping us in the house where I finally built a garden.

And you are stealing MY thing. MY thing, a career that I LOVED that was never realistic because I married you. I was working as an organic farmer! And I quit so we could move around. Now You are trying to steal it. You are trying to take my very identity and flaunt it in front of the kids. Don't you have anything that is your own, that is not tainted, your own identity to share with your child? Do you have to take what little I have left of MY identity? I gave this up for you you are taking my sacrifice and waving it around, beating me with it. FUCK. YOU.

Sometimes I think I'm being too harsh. The A is over and you apologized. Maybe I'm being ridiculous in not working through the tough imperfect parts of reconciliation. Then I think about what you are doing, what it REALLY means. You are fake, hollow and selfish.

Goodbye.

What kind of a psycho would pretend to be the person you pretended to be for 13 years?

I'm so glad I know who you actually are now.

I'm done trying to understand, you are not my problem now.

I hope all your men enjoy their herpes, I know they've been real neat for me.

You are a shitty parent and a shitty friend, and when your new group figures that out you will be truly alone. I don't envy you when that time comes.

I, on the other hand, get to actually rebuild my life and be happy again.

Good luck, I actually mean that because you're going to need it.

Why do I want you still? After you've tried to show me your true colors so many times, why do I still want you back? You have tried to leave me multiple times and this time you've succeeded. You told me you loved me but weren't in love with me. You told your best friend you think the only reason you stayed with me was because of your head injury from your motorcycle accident. You told him that after YOU cheated. I pleaded for you to go to counseling, to fight for us. I always fought for us, you have never once wanted to fight for me. But now my fighting, you call it manipulation. I manipulated you into staying with me.

Was it ever love for you?

After I was sexually assaulted, trauma bonded with the person who assaulted me, you took his side? Believed his lies? After you saw me coping with alcohol, after you saw me have a totally mental breakdown when I finally told you? You believed him, and you didn't put in a single second of fighting for me, you were just done. You left me in a hospital, tied down and sedated. Do you know how terrifying that was? How much I hurt? And to come home to you packing your stuff, to you already having a lawyer start the divorce process... I fought for us for 13 years, you did more to destroy it all in 48 hours... 2 days to toss me away.

Yet I still want you? I still love you? I should hate you. I should want nothing but the worst for you. Yet if you came back today and said you wanted a chance.... I think I'd give it to you. Because unlike you, I felt true, deep and real love for you.

But you won't come back, you won't change your mind because this has always been your way. Because you never truly loved me in return.

Why do I want you still? After you've tried to show me your true colors so many times, why do I still want you back? You have tried to leave me multiple times and this time you've succeeded. You told me you loved me but weren't in love with me. You told your best friend you think the only reason you stayed with me was because of your head injury from your motorcycle accident. You told him that after YOU cheated. I pleaded for you to go to counseling, to fight for us. I always fought for us, you have never once wanted to fight for me. But now my fighting, you call it manipulation. I manipulated you into staying with me.

Was it ever love for you?

After I was sexually assaulted, trauma bonded with the person who assaulted me, you took his side? Believed his lies? After you saw me coping with alcohol, after you saw me have a totally mental breakdown when I finally told you? You believed him, and you didn't put in a single second of fighting for me, you were just done. You left me in a hospital, tied down and sedated. Do you know how terrifying that was? How much I hurt? And to come home to you packing your stuff, to you already having a lawyer start the divorce process... I fought for us for 13 years, you did more to destroy it all in 48 hours... 2 days to toss me away.

Yet I still want you? I still love you? I should hate you. I should want nothing but the worst for you. Yet if you came back today and said you wanted a chance.... I think I'd give it to you. Because unlike you, I felt true, deep and real love for you.

But you won't come back, you won't change your mind because this has always been your way. Because you never truly loved me in return.

You showed me again why I ended it with you. I had to extract an apology from you, because you overstepped my boundaries again. I told you you did and instead of vocally acknowledging that, you deflecting with something else. Telling me if I don't need contact, I should just say so. I thought you knew, but maybe I didn't say it. But still, you overstepped the boundary I did communicate with you, so why would saying this out loud be any different? You ask for clear communication but when I do, you don't respect it.

You messaged me, in the middle of the night, again. And when I didn't respond fast enough, I guess, you baited me with some emotionally manipulative bullshit. Talking about how one of the reasons I ended our relationship is because of your insane daily rhythm and how you're such an idiot. You wanted me to engage. I didn't. Yes, it is one of the reasons but only a minor one. Another reason is that you're emotionally manipulative and another reason is that you don't respect boundaries. Another reason is that you don't have your own boundaries. And when I point out that you overstep mine, you don't apologize but you spin the 'woe is me' tale. 'I'm only human' you said. Yes and humans make mistakes and then apologize.

"I'm a bad person, I'm awful, I hate myself, I am only human" this is not what accountability looks like. If I have to console you after you've hurt ME, because you feel bad about making me feel bad, then something is very wrong.

Even after we were over, I was there for you when you were sick. But you know, that's over now. And every new situation you might normally lean on me? You can handle that by yourself now. You're a big boy.

You don't add to my life, you substract from it. I have been so much more at peace since I broke up with you. My life has almost no drama without you in it. While yours, the way I hear it, you're doing pretty great of creating your own mess. Drinking on a monday because you realized that I was never going to give you another chance and then texting your colleagues in the middle of the night and spewing your frustrations about your job on social media? That's almost harassment. I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

Last time I was on the verge of texting you, I was ovulating. As soon as I realized that, I stopped myself dead in my tracks and used my BOB. I'm good now. That's all there was to it.

Even any residual feelings of love are slowly fading. That's because I see your destructive patterns so clearly now, nothing has changed with you. While I am doing my best to recover and heal. I am working on myself to create the life I want and I am actually happy doing that. I am working on myself to become a better person and a better partner. There are pitfalls, of course. I have read a book about relationship conflicts and after finishing it, I thought 'maybe if we had this book when we were still together' or 'maybe if he knew this', but that's the wrong line of thinking. Facts are: *I* bought that book after a recommendation from *my* therapist and *I* read that book and reflected on *myself*. I am doing the work, just like I have been doing during our whole false R.

All you were doing was waiting until you could get back to your 'normal' life. Well, go ahead then. You were supposed to be over the moon, because now you can do whatever the fuck you want. But you're not. Because you lost ME. And I think you realize what you have lost. You lost a very strong and special woman. Even if you find another woman who is as strong and independent and amazing, you will not be able to keep her. You don't have it in you. Strong women want to be with strong men.

You are not a strong man. You are a weak, entitled boy. You think you have it hard because of your mental health and FOO issues, but you should realize I have that ánd a lot of other struggles in my life, including the trauma from your betrayal. And still I'm thriving! I am taking my life into my own hands, I am working to do and be better. What's your excuse?

I have blocked you and I am now so much stronger than I was the last time I asked for no contact. I know I broke NC then, but it won't happen again. I know my triggers of missing you now and I know how to handle them, either make sure I minimize them or avoid them all together. And even if I fail, I will try again. Again and again until you're out of my life. Just like I stopped smoking, which was a horrible addiction, that's how I'm going to stop you. You were a horrible addiction and so bad for me, both in the short term and in the long term, with only a couple of good hits in between. Cold turkey didn't work for me, the first time around, but now I have my tools.

I never stopped believing in you. Fuck you for ever letting me love you so much I never gave up on you. Fuck you for giving my family away. Fuck you for giving my child away. Fuck you for giving my beautiful dogs away. Fuck you for giving away everything we share. Fuck you for wasting the 17 best years of my life. Fuck you slut. Fuck you for ever being you. Fuck you FOREVER

I love you do much! I just dont understand. Were these women from your past? Where did you meet? Where did you have sex? Did you feel guilty at all kissing me upon returning home after you had been with them? How could you fucking do this?

I love you do much! I just dont understand. Were these women from your past? Where did you meet? Where did you have sex? Did you feel guilty at all kissing me upon returning home after you had been with them? How could you fucking do this?

It is None. Of. Your. Fucking. Business. What I am doing or who I am doing it with. You want more personal support when you have a bad day? Well, you fired me from that position. Go message your fuckboy, I'm sure if you send hum a picture of your tits or vag, he'll listen to you whine about how I'm not 'there for you' when you have a tough day at work. Maybe your shitty girlfriend will give you an e-pat on the ass and talk dirty to you, assuring you that even though you're pushing 40, you're still 20 in her eyes.

And when you're bitching about how I'll be gone at night and YOU have to get up with the kids, and you're trying to guilt me about it, fuckin' fly on, sister, you ain't landing that shit on me. I didn't leave for two and a half weeks to go on a "fuck-me" odyssey across the country. I didn't ignore your requests for the number to the respite worker, like you did for me when I needed to go fucking grocery shopping. I am not lying about where I'm going, because what I'm doing is not shameful. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Yes, we're sleeping together. No, you're not the only woman I've ever been with anymore. And no, I am not going to tell you about her. She is a happy, beautiful person, and I don't want your selfish, self-obsessed, vacuous darkness anywhere near her, even in spirit.

So, fuckin' cry more. I'll do what I've been doing. I'm always home in the morning. You've never had to look into our children's eyes and tell them that you don't know where Daddy is because he didn't fuckin' tell you, and you don't know when he'll be back because he won't answer.

I -have- had to do that, and fuck you for making me do it. Fuck you for making me lose my sense of personhood. Fuck you for never even using my name. Fuck you for never touching my hand or my arm. Fuck you for acting like I am untrustworthy when every single thing you ever told me was a fabrication.

Fuck you.

I loved you, I became my love for you. I remember how I would suck in my breath when I saw you. I was amazed that you loved me. You picked me. I was the luckiest woman in the world.

I gave you everything and you took it all. It wasn’t enough.

You went online, flirted with other women, while I took care of our children.

You went and paid for happy endings, and said I love you to me. Which you didn’t mean.

You went to a prostitute, professed love. Had two amazing years while you watched me flounder in your disgust for me, your anger, your selfishness. You no longer said I love you. You weren’t here. You refused to talk to me.

You lied to me, your children, to the world for 12 or more years.

You even lied to me to say you wanted to work things out, take your time. Until you said no. I’m done.

And I am the one hurting. You are moving on. You want to be friends. You will always care about me

You prick. You treated me like garbage. No one treats friends like you treated me.

And I am the one feeling lost and broken. Who is struggling with my life going upside down.

You are a poor excuse of a human.

Why do I feel I need you. Why do I think of you every day. You don’t deserve it. Fucker.

I deserve so much more than you.

You are pure destruction.

I hope you pay for your sins.

What a piece of shit you are. I never could have guessed...

You fool a lot of people. But you move on before they figure out who you are.

Some day you'll be alone, even your daughter will probably give up on you.

If you died right now her life would be better. I hate that I feel that way but it is true.

You make the world a worse place. I feel bad for anyone who crosses paths with you.

I passed my medical boards. The first person I wanted to tell was you. But I can't, because contacting you means you'll send my texts to your lawyer and try to use them against me. Your lawyer threatened getting police involved in harassment if I didn't stop contacting you. My own husband. I gave you all of me for 13 years and you walked away like it was nothing for you. I'm tired of it all. Our whole relationship I was always waited for the other shoe to drop, that you'd leave even though you always said I'd have to leave you first. Yet here we are. I'm a business transaction and nothing more to you now. You probably don't miss me or even think about me. Sunday you come and get the rest of your stuff from our martial home, the home we've lived in and renovated together for the past 8 years. You're walking away into what you claim will be the "epic" part of your life.

But guess what. So am I. Never again will I allow a man to rule my life, my fears, I'm going to find someone worth it, worth me. And I hope you regret your choice one day and then it'll be my turn to say "we're past that".

Life without you can’t be worse.

I’m packing our youngest sons bag for a sleepover at dads. This is so wrong. You shattered our family and now you have 1 out of 4 children who wants to even speak to you. Yet...you go on living your “happy” life. You have broken me. They say my heart will catch up to my brain. But right now I feel alone. I know the only thing that keeps me going are our four beautiful children. You have destroyed my faith in humanity. You have destroyed my ability to trust anyone or to believe in anyone. How can you live with yourself? You are weak and pathetic...you are not the kind, generous , trustworthy husband I had. I believed in you. I supported you. I worked hard for you. You took it all away...overnight.....

Fuck you!

I missed you yesterday. We always spent hungover days together, cuddling as soon as I was able to be touched without being nauseated. We even had nicknames for our hungover personalities/conditions. I missed someone to cuddle with and I felt really sad. I felt sad on friday too, which was why I decided to start drinking. I need to keep using my healhty ways of regulating my emotions. I don't want to be like you in that way. This one hit me unexpectedly. I was not prepared. End of a schoolyear, not the way I normally celebrate because of Covid. If you weren't such a horrible partner, I would have celebrated with you instead. And I think it hit me in the way that endings always bring some grief with them. Some realization of what the past few months have been like and what I've decided to let go of. Change comes with grief, even when it's change for the better and that's alright.

Healing is not linear and this goes to show. I am sad today too and that's okay. We had some good times together. Some of my anger resurfaced last week, especially on thursday. Mad about that night I found out. Mad about what led you to bringing her home with you. You have bad impuls controle, low self-esteem, a need for external validation and you refuse to work on it. You're too busy wallowing in self-pity.

So I'm writing here to not contact you. I'm on my period, last night was full moon, it's the end of the school year and all that is exacerbating my sadness, which it totally alright. I know I'll feel better in a couple of days. Just trying not to surpress my feelings, by being too busy. I am going on a trip on tuesday so I have that to look forward too. But it's also a sad thing because this is my first trip being single again. You won't be there at the airport when I come back. Then again: you were not there everytime. You were there a lot, but not everytime.

I really don't feel like eating but I'm trying to force myself, to take care of myself. What a fucking whirlwind these last 6 months have been, my god. I feel empty, like I have no energy. Which is probably also because I haven't eaten a lot in the last couple of hours.

I heard a phone yesterday with the ring tone being a barking dog. And I remembered that that was the ring tone you used during the affair for your oldest adult daughter.

How disgusting. You pig, father of the year! I bet you and AP had such a laugh together when your daughter called you.

But then again, you allowed AP to make fun of your kids and you joined in. Also disgusting.

So now you wonder why she and her siblings dont call you? You showed who you were and they made the choice of not having a relationship with you.

We all make choices, just like you, but some of us realize they have consequences.

Go fuck yourself you passive aggressive piece of shit.

You want to be... Friends?

You shopped around for a new man within months of having my child, lied me the whole time, put me through a false R while still shopping, and after you promised me you wouldn't do this to me again you did. 5 years of bullshit that I only was let in on for 3.

Not fucking friends. Never. You will always be urinal cake to me. Maybe that's even mean to urinal cake.

I hate you stupid fuck!You threw this all away and youre sorry but we grieve differently. You're not going to get "caught up" in emotions. Maybe because you are devoid of regret and shame you incompetent bastard!

We are not completely NC...but I am 180ing as best I can.

You fuckwat...having the nerve to call me a liar, when all you do is feed me lies. Can you sink to anymore lows?

On top...you are so callous and hurt our DD...the one who sits with you every day, plays cards, helps you go to bed and she tucks you in...and you are so wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself you don’t even know you do it. Her life sucks right now...and you tell her that she is “too excited” about the one thing that is positive in her life. You tell her “to stop taking about it”. You suck as a dad. You hurt her and broke her heart and as usual I am left to pick up the pieces.

I can count on 1 hand how many times I have heard you tell them that you love them...you never tell them how much they mean to you. You are going to die and say nothing to them. Not one meaningful word...no advice about life. No, “I will miss you”...all the milestones in their lives. No words to read from you when they are older or going through a tough time. You asked me for help...I took hours and all you had to do was put it in your own freaking handwriting..and you can’t even bother to do that for them. The last birthday card you will ever sign for you son and you don’t even sign “love dad”...you just put your first name? WTF. You are so selfish.

Instead of always thinking about what you are going through...how about even once thinking about what they are going through. How about trying to make their loss and grieving a bit easier for them. That’s your job...they should come first. It should be all about getting them through this...you can’t even see that.