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We talked on the phone today. About nothing. I started to unravel. I could feel it. Your voice has been my undoing on several occasions. Again it flooded my senses. I Stopped talking and answering. I still feel that you are my husband. But you aren’t.

Why do you have that voice?

Today life feels unfair. I want to be over you. I want to be happy with out you. I am not.

You stupid fuck. You hit on my sister too. No never respected me, you never loved me. You have no morals. You were such a waste of 10 years

I never really had a yearning for the wedding. The marriage. The happy ever after. Then I met you. And I wanted it oh so much. You were my other half. Or so I thought. You were going to give me that. You were going to ask me to spend my life with you. Three months after talking with my dad about it you met the AP. Two months after you started talking to her, you told her you loved her. It took you a year to say those words to me. That's the part that hurts the most. You gave those words to her so easily, but what did she give you?

On the day I found out about the AP, you told me that you had been planning to propose to me at Christmas. Why would you tell me that? On the day you ripped my world away from me, why would you tell me that the future of which I dreamed was so close, but you snatched it away from me? That is just cruel.

How could you allow me to fall in love with your children, allow them to love me, and then throw that away so carelessly for a married cheater. Do their feelings mean nothing to you?

How did I not see the person that you are? I still want to reach out to me. I still wait for a text from you. I read about other people whose exes realize the mistake they make, come crawling back. Why are you not doing that with me? I'm the best thing that every happened to you. I got you out of the hole you were in. I helped bring you back to life. You should be on your knees begging me to take you back. Your life will be empty without me.

I want to hate you. But I still love you. And that is what hurts me the most. Because you really don't care. You've done nothing to show me you care. I need to learn how not to care.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:16 PM, July 10th, 2020 (Friday)]

Am in the lounge, waiting for my flight home. For some reason today, while here, it’s so hard not to call you. I would always call you from the lounge, chit chatting about nothing, telling you about the people here. Given corona, it’s like a ghost town here. I want to share that with you. I can’t.

My Nanna passed this afternoon. The last time I saw her in December, you were with me. She was still with it then and kicked us out as she “had enough talking, I want to sleep”. We laughed. She was 91 then and perfectly entitled to do and say whatever she wanted!

I’m here to support my Dad, and I know he’s very glad I came home, but it feels really strange to have her gone from this world and you don’t know. But I’m not going to tell you. You don’t deserve to know anything about my life now that you discarded me so cruelly. What on earth could / would you say that would make a difference.

But she loved you. She loved how happy you made me. She was very upset when my mum told her we were no longer together.

You don’t deserve her love. You don’t deserve to know.

I want to tell you off so much! I’m hoping writing it here helps...you spend your days off with her...doing things that you wouldn’t have so much time for if you were actually being a husband and father. Things I encouraged you to do in hopes of giving you “a break”, reducing your stress...that you interpreted as me avoiding you. Kids now get a quick text at bedtime asking if they want to FaceTime...they always say no. You respond with nothing or a sarcastic “ of course”

Fuck you! Fuck you for making our lives hell. Fuck you for acting like a spoiled teenager with someone you would have scoffed at in the past!

Fuck I wish my heart would catch up to my brain!

I wish someone would punch you in the face and tell you what a fucking loser you are!

I am in Greece now, on an Island, and it reminds me so much of our trip to France last year. That was one of the best trips I've ever had, I think. The kayaking, the flyboarding, the food, the snorkelling, the dolphins! Remember the dolphins? The boat trip into the caves and then our own boat trip.

But I also remember that night you got way too drunk and we had a fight. You accusing me of not speaking my mind, not showing the back of my tongue. And it's true, I didn't. Truth is that I didn't want to have sex with you a couple days earlier because I just wanted to relax uninterrupted by the pool. Truth is I wanted to fool around a little but let the excitement rise, not jump into bed immediately. I had just laid down on the sunbed, for fucks sake.

Truth is that I realized that I had felt for a long time that you didn't have any good qualities that I would want our children to have. You mentioned something you did as I kid, I thought it was adorable and told you I wish our future kids would do that too. You said well, thats the first time you said something like that and I remembered a previous conversation we had where I told you specificially what I did NOT want our kids to inherit from u. I realized that it was quite mean of me to say omly this little thing that I wanted but you said it was actually quite nice that I wanted one of your characteristics after all. I felt so bad after that. I remember going to the bathroom and thinking what a horrible person I am, to love somebody but not want any of their traits for our children. I felt so bad about myself. Now I think, if I felt that, if I knew that, that should have told me enough about you as a person and what I think of you. I shouldn't have felt bad, I should have listened to that feeling. I shouldn't have gaslit myself, like I did the summer before. Ohh, its so hard knowing what is intuition and what is anxiety. But this was a very clear sign, again, of you not being the right person for me.

I dont know if tried to explain it to you before but the truth is that all the traits I saw in you at that time, that were desirable, were traits I already posessed myself. So obviously my kids would get that from me. (A little conceited? I dont think so but sure.) So what would you bring to the mix?

Even the good traits that I dont have(easygoing, kind) were pitfalls, because yoi were such a people pleaser.

Later I would see those qualities that I do like, you are supportive of hobbies and interests, you are supportive of jobs. You dont take yourself too seriously amd can make fun of yourself in weird little dances or weird hairstyles. Or I would rediscover qualities that I had seen before Dday. Your ability to solve problems, to learn, to create.

Back to the speaking my mind, because this is not a loveletter, this is a complaint. You asked me whether I was ashamed of yoi and yes, yes I was, yes I am. I told you that night that I was. I was ashamed that I stayed with someone who treated me so horribly. I felt so, so ashamed. In the end this was one of the biggest reasons that I broke up with you. Even if I ended up trusting you again, even if you did your real work to R (which you didnt), the innocence is gone. I would never be able to introduce you with pride to anyone ever again. Not with that feeling of pride and excitement I had before, where I was showing you off to my friends. I would neverrr be able to introduce you like that to my family. And even when thinking of you as a good partner, Id think "but he did cheat on me"

And the thing is, I should have known. The moment you told me you had fucked Z before we met, I should have known you were bad news. Because Z was your friends girl! And they were together at the time. And you fucked her. You made it seem as if it was only once, you fucker. But how could you do that? And even if she told you they were in an open relationship (which yes, is something that she would do) and even if everybody else believed they were in an open relationship, why would you not verify that with your friend? Check if its something he would be okay with. You told me that he once dared you to kiss her, thay you thought he knew about you two fucking, a year later that would turn out not to be the case. The poor guy had no motherfucking clue. I could ruin your life right now. I could text him right now, telling him the truth of who was fuvking his girlfriend nehind his back. Because I know you guys are on a trip together now. I wont because I dont want to get involved in your mess again. And he is not with her anymore. I should have known then you cannot be trusted. Who fucks his friends girl? You told me you were going to come clean, when he realized she was sleeping behind his back, you told me you were going to tell him it was with you. You didn't. You fucking coward. I felt so sick with that, I didnt want to have sex with you. You were hurt and you thought I wasnt attracted to you, again. WHICH WAS TRUE! WHY DIDNT I TELL YOU I WAS DISGUSTED BY YOU! GODD, why didnt I speak my mind? Why was I so afraid to hurt your feelings? You are awful! You chose her over me in another way too and I was still pissed aboit that. I still am! You are a coward, a nobody, a loser! I felt uncomfortable having sex with you afterwards because it felt like a chore. Because you would always be whiny when I didnt feel like it. While I was always understanding when you didnt feel like it. Thats one of the biggest reasons you cheated, you motherfucking asshole. You need that validation, you need to be wanted becauseyou dont feel secure withour physical validation. You disgust me.

And you always had poor boundaries with you female friends. I knew that. You had kissed 1 im an alleyway, you fucked another (Z), you got into a relationship with 2 and you cheated on me with 3. So 4 female friends youve touched. I didnt trust you with women at all! And you stayed friends with that horrible douchebag who cheated on his GF multiple times! And I feel he was more upset aboit you abandoning him on DDay, than you betraying me. Fucker.

I also should have known you were an asshole and a cheater when you told me you cheated on your first girlfriend when you were a teenager, because she asked you not to break up with her until after graduation. THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION TO CHEAT! YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED FAITHFUL OR BROKEN UP. And the fucked up thing is that even as an adult you didnt see what was wrong about that. You didnt feel bad about it. You justified it. You are horrible.

I never liked your past, the drinking especially. But also the missing school and smoking pot. You spoke about it with some pride but it is nothing to be proud of. I was a nerd, I loved school, I loved being there, I loved seeing my friends, I loved learning stuff. I hated your past of skipping school and drinking enormois amounts of alcohol as a young kid. Now I know to avoid that kind of person. I want someone who also loved school. And even if they did drink a lot during college years, I want them to at least feel bad about ir and not proud.

I am so glad I broke up with you. I will never have to navigate how to parent with you.

I just had a small epiphany. You are just like your mom...you and I talk often about how she makes constant dis-ingenuous offers to help us. Offers to make herself feel good but she has no intention of ever following through. She always wants that pat on her back to prove she is a good person but when down deep...she never meant the offer in the first place.

When I caught you...you told me that you had asked me to go on that last trip with you, but I couldn’t because of the kids, so you decided to take you POS girlfriend instead. You are your fucking mother...you only offered because you knew I would say no. You through me off the trail, looked like a good husband....but you never fucking wanted me on that trip. I would have ruined your plans...you had already booked the hotel for you and your PoS.

This week, I find out you very likely had other affairs...you friend (who has no reason to lie) saw you texting women...he saw your phone. Big surprise...you call him the liar. Gaslight much?

You are such a liar and an asshole, I don’t want you to die by any means...but I would divorce you if you weren’t sick. You ruin my life and the kids lives...you are so selfish and entitled just like your mother. You think the kids aren’t effected by your cheating...as always you head is so far up your own ass you can’t see any light. All of this is messed up...and on top you implied to my DD that I was taking care of you emotionally enough...I have given you a gift and you shit on me. I am letting you rug sweeping and not be accountable at all...for peace and for our kids. You should never forget that.

You stated you would handle the tournaments for that "mini season" of volleyball. That is the only reason I agreed to let her play.

You owe me $2491 in taxes from the money you received ffom my Bencor account late 2017. You then secretly filed your taxes separately and got a $12,500+ refund from the IRS by claiming all of our business expenses and charitable donations for yourself. Even though we were still married the entire year and living together for 3/4 of it. I paid half those business expenses and charitable donations from our joint accounts. I ended up owing the IRS around $4000 for that year. Which I paid including a late fee, because your "LLC held up (what was supposed to be) our joint return". You STOLE my tax return that I was OWED. That is just the tip of the iceberg regarding your theft and cheating and lies.

I'm surprised, and beyond thrilled, I have walked away with peace and sanity after 19 years of your gaslighting, infidelity, and other abuse. You repulse me in every way. My skin crawls any time I am required to be in your presence. Please get help. Our kids need an emotionally healthy father.

********

Holy crap you guys!! I literally almost sent this. His financial games have hit a new low.

He is not paying me his share of kids expenses for June. After having stolen hundreds of thousands from me already.

I think it is time to cut him (and his numerous health problems) from my health insurance. I've taken the high road for the past 5 years. Time to enforce some boundaries.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:32 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Get out of my fucking house. You’re making it worse. You’re not helping. You are such an asshole.. I left the house because you’re in it. I’m sitting in the park by myself because I would rather not see your fucking face. You’re making things more difficult for my son. Our son. You’re not a nice guy you’re an angry pathetic man. I’m so fucking fucking angry at you.

Dear god how did I ever fall in love with you. why can’t someone’s true personality just show through.

The next goddamn time you want to come over. You will ask me. We will agree on a time, and if I don’t want you to come over or it is inconvenient. You will not fucking be there. This is the absolute last time you were allowed to arrive without a confirmation or a conversation with me.

And you know what. The next time you want to share that you are struggling. Share it with someone you haven’t destroyed. Which means share it with someone who fucking cares. The destruction left in youR damn wake is unbelievable. And you feel sad. You struggle. You created this whole fucking fucking shit show.

I need to be rid of you. You’re still hurting me. Haven’t you done enough

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:59 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

The anxiety and twisted emotions as I wait to exchange our daughter. Knowing that I will see you today. And tomorrow during her medical appointment. I take steps forward and fall back down. Why do I still love you. You kept a picture of your AP in your phone that our daughter saw. Why is it so difficult to know what you’ve done , know that you are done, yet I struggle daily.

I never knew you. I thought I did. The person i thought you were just didn’t -and doesn’t -exist.

You are a failure as a mother, as a friend, as a lover, and as a human being. I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

I was reminded this morning of an event over Christmas, where we went for brunch with a friend of mine and you put your own whiskey from a flask in your coffee. Apparently my friend commented after that brunch that he thought things weren't good with my xWBF and I.

With distance, and being back home again, I'm remembering more things that made me a little embarrassed. Now I know you were so infatuated with your AP, that you were hating your time her with me and my family. It makes me so angry how disrespectful that was. My family loved you, treated you like their son in law, and you were cheating on their daughter with your AP in front of them? My dad said he noticed that you were on your phone more than usual, but they assumed it was just communicating with the kids over the holidays.

Of course, now we know differently. I think back to you sitting here on this very sofa, probably texting your AP, telling her how much you hated it, while my parents were doing everything they could to make it a wonderful holiday for us.

You fucking arsehole. As much as you have hurt me, I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you have done to my parents.

I emailed my Lawyer Sunday night to Contact STBXWH’s Lawyer to push the Divorce proceedings. We still need to finalise financial agreement as things have changed since it was first Drafted in February.

We are NC so STBXWH got a call from his Lawyer today. Idiot didn’t answer the call or call his Lawyer back.

He sends me a message this evening..

“Is this what you want? A proper Divorce? If so we? (another ? mark) You and I need civil discussions and put things on paper. You agree? Our future and our children’s future must be priority ok? But I won’t go for a Divorce without a proper financial agreement between us 2, as the Lawyers will just milk both of us for money”

NC NC NC STBXWH

I stipulated to my Lawyer that I am willing to sign over more assets and his beloved Porsche as a gift if I need to dangle a carrot to get this before a judge. And if I absolutely have to some spousal support and he keeps all his retirement fund. I keep mine, my Lawyer advises against giving him another cent. With the pandemic the process could take a few months. My Lawyer understands this. I have agreed that the family home where WH still lives, will not have to be sold and divided until the property market improves. It’s a win, win for WH. House, car, salary and retirement looked after till death do us part. I urgently need a Last Will and Testament to protect myself.

My NC RANT to STUPID STBXWH

if you were not a violent serial cheater who is walking on very thin ice towards a prison cell...

Yes, I need a Divorce now. We have been separated on and off since November 2017 to 2018. You have had multiple affairs and you were having another affair when We separated permanently in November 2019. We have been living apart for more than 12 months. You have always been unfaithful and disloyal to me and our marriage. I don’t want to keep going over everything and sit back and wait for you to f*** me over again. You wasted $100k of my money on your last affair. I am not going to endure any more hardship and suffering. During your fake reconciliation attempts, you continued to lie and be unfaithful. I am not waiting for you to set yourself up in a new relationship with another person who will only add to the already difficult and heart breaking position that I am in. Just put yourself in my shoes just once. It’s not a good place to be.

Now ring your F***ing Lawyer back and this time don’t laugh and make jokes at your expense. He charges by the minute. Have you read the Bible he gave you in February? 🙏🏼

Smells like bullshit probably is. All these years you never let the kids on the PC never gave them the password because all our business stuff was on there. Didn’t want to use up space or download viruses through gaming. They have phones and tablets for that.

So I am at work on Monday and come home that day and the younger one has been playing games for hours on the PC. I thought maybe I left it on in the morning .

Reading the kids texts I find out you gave the password in writing over a text. You never would’ve done that here. I think you wanted to look like the good guy, the hero, mom is a bad cop now, I’m not a liar and a cheater that verbally abused your mother- I’m the fun dad that was “controlled” and now she kicked me out

Piece of shit!!!

I call you out and you pretend like you didn’t even think about it. “Honestly, I didn’t think about it, sorry”.

The same way when you were putting your dick in someone else. “Honestly, I didn’t think about it, sorry. “. FUCKING LIAR SELFISH PIECE OF SELF CENTERED I NEED TOO LOOK GOOD AND FEEL GOOD PIECE OF SHIT

I’m starting to see you for who you are. Selfish. Immature.

You were never - and never will be - my equal. You will always put yourself first, and damn the consequences.

You do not deserve my love. My empathy. My compassion. So you no longer have them.

I feel sorry for you. You had it all in front of you. Love. A family. Security. Companionship. A sexual chemistry that was off the charts. But it wasn’t enough. You threw it away for ego kibbles and shiny objects.

Your loss. My gain. I can live with authenticity. You have to live with the fact of what you did. I know in whose shoes I’d rather be.

I wasted my best years on someone who didn't value me. You only cared about how I valued YOU! You still only care about how this affects YOU and how bad YOU feel. I can't wait to be alone. I used to be afraid to be alone, now it seems like heaven. I don't have to worry whether your sexual needs are taken care of anymore. I don't have to put myself out over YOU anymore. I literally despise YOU. I don't feel sorry for your martyr act it makes me physically Ill to watch you sulk.

Ugh. What a waste of time and oxygen you are. Entitled, lazy, self-serving. I can't believe you tricked me. I can't believe I tried for YOU.

You are a spider, laying your webs for any, and I do mean any, little fly that might stumble into your trap.

It's fucking sick. You are gross. I want to cut off all the parts of me that touched your vile disgusting person.

I never thought I could hate this much. I've never, ever hated anyone so much.

You just tell me now that you are not "happy" anymore. Bitch please!!! I gave you 20 years of my life and you cast me aside for some trollish redneck. To you it was all about your happiness and not mine. Who was constantly getting you things when I got up to get something because you couldn't get your fucking ass off the couch to do it yourself. That would be ME!! It was never reciprocated back. I became your employee and less of a husband to you in your eyes. The frustration is incomparable because you would not listen to me when I would try and talk. Not once could you see it my way, it always had to be about you. Was always told that if I didn't like it I should go because you didn't like what I had to say. I became less and less to you. Was always left out to dry.

I should have left this marriage long ago because my voice was taken from me. That realization is staring me in my face now. NO MORE!!!!! MY VOICE IS BACK AND I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!

Seven years ago one of my worst fears came to pass, you being in that hospital room in Intensive Care. Tubes and machines everywhere!!! That was the worst time in my life. I remember having to sign all the paperwork to do life saving procedures and also what would happen if you passed away. Very sobering and just wanted to breakdown and run but I couldn't. I was your husband and champion. It was part of my vows to you!! Remember the part "In sickness and in health", obviously you don't. Every night I would go to the chapel and pray for you to hang on and you did. The Lord answered my prayers for you during that time. There were times I slept in the waiting room for weeks when the nurses would kick me out of your room.

I SAVED YOUR LIFE!!!!!!

I never left your side!!!!!. When you woke up from that 2 week coma.........I WAS THERE!!!. It was me who nursed you back to health and got you to all your appointments. Even then you were running me around.

Fast forward to this past November you post to FB thanking all your friends for getting you through that episode. Not once did you mention me!! That hurt and cut to the bone because then I realized that I did not matter to you anymore. You cast me aside like a wet towel. I was never #1 on your list of priorities and I see it now.

All I see now is a pathetic little girl running from her problems.

Thank you for setting me free!!!!!

I AM THE PRIZE, not you!!!

[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 7:52 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

I am posting here because I am missing you at the moment it hasn’t happened much since you I moved out. I’ve had wine and you were here today taking care of the yard and fixing so many things. I can tell you are lonely and miss being needed at the house And I am having a hard time because of my compassion I am struggling not to try and find a simple way to comfort you

You were my heart for so many years

I remained friendly but unemotional and even insulted you at one point

It is not my nature to be unkind so it was my underlying anger and then I immediately felt guilty

I watched a fun movie with the kids tonight after you left and we had a nice time but then I noticed the one last guitar I haven’t picked up yet the corner of the family room .

😥 It reminded me of our beginnings and things in common in music and our hearts.