SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

~Posting as a member~

New beginnings are often filled with fears. One of the most obvious being, what if I get cheated on again? How do I trust again? The response many of us give is there are no guarantees with anything, but if you get cheated on again you can take comfort in knowing you survived before, and you have the strength to survive again.

Many of you have followed my own journey. SO and I were a more or less permanent part-time relationship. It was working, or so I thought.

Approaching our six year anniversary something felt "off." He had just lost his father so I gave him space as he seemed to be having some issues dealing with that. Specifically, he asked me how I was able to cope with so much loss and that he was genuinely in awe, given his father's passing. So I knew he was having a hard time (he lived with his father, taking care of him). But that gut feeling was there. Something else was going on.

After a few months (six, actually), I confronted him about "us." I got a lame excuse that, after SIX YEARS, he thought it would be "difficult" for us. I called bullshit.

Doing some sleuthing (since I've had lots of practice ) I was able to determine that he apparently moved on to someone else before bothering to tell me he wasn't feeling it anymore (but continuing to string me along). My gut was right.

And so, taking a cue from my own advice, I am okay. Not my first rodeo, and I'm not in the fetal position like I was after first Dday. I'm disappointed that he did that, and I can clearly envision his mental gymnastics of justification along the lines of, "Well, in my mind it was over so what I did was okay and not cheating." It would have been nice if he had let me in on that little tidbit of essential info, but whatever.

The fact remains he did it, I'm okay, and life goes on. I'm already making some future plans of knocking off a bucket list item after travel opens back up.

So, hang in there everyone! You have the strength and fortitude to survive whatever curveball your NB throws at you.

Oh man, Phoenix! What a kick in the teeth.

Sending you hugs.

Oh phoenix, I am so sorry. What lousy timing he had. These are trying times for everybody. Yet that was his response? Perhaps your inner wisdom, your sixth sense, may have kept you from getting deeper involved with him, over the last 5+ years, in order to protect you. But it still has to sting. (((Phoenix)))

Oh no - I am so sorry!

I was able to determine that he apparently moved on to someone else before bothering to tell me he wasn't feeling it anymore (but continuing to string me along).

Thank you for sharing. Sadly, I am just coming off a similar thing after about 2.5 years with my exSO.

I am still struggling. The quarantine doesn't help. It's been about 7 weeks of no contact and I'm surprised at how shitty I still feel. You know the drill: mind movies, flashbacks, etc. The same old stuff.

Certainly dealing much better than in the wake of my *first* rodeo. Despite my "expertise" (which has definitely been helpful), my body and mind still have to do their things.

Sorry this happened to you. Glad you're doing well.

Somehow it makes one wonder what was overlooked or tolerated early on. If I were in your place, not wanting the ex to have a whiff of what's going on in your life, not wanting to get married for the same reasons on one hand might make me grateful I don't have to deal with divorcing another cheater. But then a six year committed relationship would have me looking at where the investment in the relationship was previously unbalanced; where he was taking more than giving, staying aloof, etc. so that my next relationship was cleaner, healthier and more balanced.

Finding out where you missed this particular character defect might help the next go around. You've always been my hero for wisdom and figuring things out that way. And way to respect that inner wisdom of knowing something's off - trusting the feeling and confronting him/sleuthing out the truth that he was too cowardly to tell you to your face.

[This message edited by k8la at 9:01 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry he wasn’t all he purported to be. Take care of you, and I’m looking forward to your bucket list travel plans!

Oh geez, Phoenix. What an asshole move on his part. I am so sorry he did not respect you enough to give you the truth.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this again, but so proud of you for following your gut and not playing any kind of pick me dance. You are strong and will come out even better than before.

Oh, Phoenix, I'm so sorry. I just wonder if I will ever be able to be vulnerable like this again. Sending hugs of support (socially distant, of course )

Dem

I am so so sorry to hear this!! I’m so mad for you!! What a dick!! I know you’re going to be fine but it’s okay to lick your wounds for a little while too. The good news is that you trusted your instincts, and can rely on your resilience. But it still sucks and I’m sorry. You are a total badass warrior and you will go forward with your head held high and find someone worthy of you. Hang in there momma!!

I can't believe he betrayed you like this!!

So glad you were able to follow your gut and get to the truth. I don't understand his reasoning... he thought it would be difficult? That's why he cheated? Didn't want to tell you that he doesn't want to stay together anymore?? Bizarre.

You deserve so much more. I'm sad for you.

What's your bucket list item?

Oh dammit, Phoenix. I step away from SI for one day and I miss this. Funny, you've been on my mind heavily lately. I've been wondering how you are, and now this. You've been so supportive of me throughout my entire journey here. It's been 10 weeks of no contact with my SO who did the same thing. Like Okokok, I'm also surprised at how much it still hurts at times. And he and I were only together for 9 months.

You are an incredibly strong woman, and you most certainly did not deserve this. I love that you have bucket list travel plans. Life indeed goes on. I'm so sorry he proved himself unworthy of you, but so glad you found out.

As you so often say, "Onward and upward!!"

Sending huge hugs to you, Phoenix.

Damn....First WTB now you? But as both you ladies have proven before.......you are strong, beautiful, independent and will get through this!

I am sorry this has happened (again) to anyone. But it’s stories like this that solidify my belief that those of us who would never cheat are in the minority.

Keep your chin up! Upward and Onward!

Well shit Phoenix. You and I had similar SO situations and I'm really saddened to hear he pulled this move after things seemed to be working well for so long.

Asshole.

You deserve all good things. I know it's not your first rodeo and that you've had to become a master of self-care. But I hope you're also giving yourself permission to kick your trashcan around or have some puny days.

I know it's not the update you wanted to give, but I'm glad you touched base. Been wondering how you were doing.

You've got lots of cheerleaders here for your bucket list pursuits.

Thanks all. Besides disappointment, I am also angry. Angry that he did that knowing what I went thru. He knew all the gory details. But again, he has likely put such a mental spin on it that, if confronted, he would be genuinely appalled that I would even *think* him capable of that! The nerve of me! But we all know how that works. No new revelation there.

It was fun while it lasted, and I do believe he was true until the end.

Onward and upward, indeed!

Hi Phoenix

I am in the last painful stretch of my first rodeo. You totally “awe” me. You are seriously one hell of an impressive woman.

This man is one hell of a fool. I am sorry.

Hugs

Im sorry that it happened but so proud of how you’re handling it.

You are truly awesome.

Phoenix1,

You are strong, beautiful, and capable.

I wish I could drive a bus (fly a plane) with a load of the SI membership to lend support in real life and knock of a few items with you on your bucket list.... Oh what fun we would have!

On second thought upon seeing us, you might shock me with a TAZER or give a soaking with pepper spray.

I hope you do not mind a virtual hug instead.

(((Phoenix1)))

ETA

We could also do angry stuff for awhile as well.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 9:20 PM, April 23rd (Thursday)]

Very kind, Ripped (and everyone else). I would gladly set aside my self-defense arsenal for a big ol' SI bucket list party!!

And virtual hugs are always acceptable.