SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Backstory: SO I and together just over 7 years. Living together but apart.

Current story: It’s going to have to be over. What started as a necessary Covid break because of life circumstances became a Covid clusterfuck.

No need to read further, but the following novella is the rest of the story:

Those life circumstances – some I came into the relationship expecting to navigate – kids, profession. We also weathered years of challenges – some unexpected. But also teenagers, deaths, medical issues – stressors and events that all relationships face. Had fairly regular sessions together with my longtime IC who helped guide us from time to time. No major ick along the way.

Last year or so I’d been bringing to the table my wanting to be more connected. To carve out time in these crazy lives for just us. To work at nurturing our shared experiences. I saw this as a crinkle. You know – common relationship stuff at having to be mindful about watering your own grass.

March. Covid. Physical separation. Surgery needed for him. I jump in as his caretaker – going back and forth to his house to look after him and do the things I do. Cooking and stocking fridge for him and kids – trying to be safe all along until he heals enough to drive after 2 months. As we approach the other side of that, I’m pretty exhausted. Managing my own life and a chunk of his over there and all the shit that has come with these days – I don’t even need to type it out - you all know how hard things are for everyone.

In a phone call one night I tell him directly I need some emotional support – I don’t even know what I asked for – kindness – compassion – acknowledgment …but that I was feeling pretty puny right about then and could use some lifting up. He asked “what am I supposed to do?” I rattled off 4-5 making up shit off the top of my head possible gestures – leaving a little note in the empty Tupperware containers the next time I was there. Maybe call in an order for a surprise food delivery for me one night. Text me something silly or interesting or…? He replied with: “You have chosen to live the life you do and it seems to me like you need to be the one to live with those choices.” No shit – he said that. I wasn’t even sure at first what it meant, but the next day it sure translated in my head as “I got nothing for you. Suck it up Buttercup.”

So I checked in with him in case I was just being Covid crazy and yep – that’s pretty much what he meant according to the additional word salad I received.

So I smacked down a boundary. I said that I was shocked but appreciated him being honest with me. And that maybe we shouldn’t be beating our heads against the wall. Maybe we should take a break from taking care of each other. That we should both live with our own life choices. And if he wanted something different to let me know. His reply was simply: “Ok.”

That was June. Crickets. Total freeze out. Not a word from him since.

I could speculate all day. Real him revealed during time of high stress. At his limit of coping skills. Coward. Passive-Aggressive. Built up resentments. Emotionally detached. Depressed. Or since this is SI – cheating? I don’t know. It’s still his shit.

But I have nothing to work with. Nothing.

So I went back to my own detaching guide and read my own tips. I’ve re-assembled my posse (virtually). I’ve been seeing IC (virtually). I’ve been making new plans for my future as much as I can in these wacky days. I’m taking good care of myself. And I told the new beginning dog (who is the best co-pilot ever) that it’s back to just us. And that will be more than just fine. I have loose ends to tie up with him and I’ll deal with those when I’m ready. In a way that’s healthiest for me.

I’m angry. I’m very sad. I miss the kids. I’m feeling all those things that you feel when a relationship is ending. I hate that I so carefully and slowly brought him so into my family and life and now I’ve had to try and explain what the hell is going on. I mostly hate that feeling of: “another one didn’t work.” I keep thinking of that T.S. Eliot line about things ending not with a bang, but with a whimper. Sigh.

((((Chili)))) Of course you are angry and sad! What a passive aggressive move on his part! Was he always a bit P/A that you ever noticed? I hate that for your sake, since you were always so up front about your relationship...even seeing your IC together. I wonder what the IC makes of that. Just....wow.

The best thing you said was you have a New Beginning dog. Honestly, the more we deal with people, the more we appreciate our dogs!

Someone better will eventually come along. And you may feel totally different about another love. You know, I was never sure what to make of my own lack of deep connection to my SAWH, during 4 years we dated. I could take or leave him. But he seemed so consistent...except he hid huge parts of who he was from me, and that was easy to do the way I didn't push him for more. In retrospect, I should have felt more passionate from the get-go. I am so stuck for 23 years in this crap M.

So chin up, dear Chili. Don't look back right now. Time enough for that, later.

I'm sorry, Chili. It sucks, but there are brighter days ahead for you and your co-pilot!

His loss...

Wow Chili. Just wow. Sorry but I got jack.

But you know the drill - NC that fucker and detach. As in

Don't

Even

Think

About

Changing

Him.

You did what you could. He can't give you what he doesn't have.

Take some time to grieve. And once you come out the other side things will look so much brighter than they do now.

((((Chili))))

(((Chili)))

What a selfish jerk. You deserve better and I am so so proud that you set your boundaries and you’re abiding by them. I know it hurts I’m so sorry. 2020 is a really challenging year.

Having just experienced a breakup of my own, though not nearly at the same level, I just wanted to send hugs and positive vibes. The hurt is real and I hope it helps to know that someone cares.

[This message edited by Freedom2013 at 8:06 AM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

Thanks to everyone so much for the replies.

Superesse:

Was he always a bit P/A that you ever noticed?

I wouldn't say P/A, but certainly conflict avoidant. But mostly in the way most people don't really enjoy feeling like something is "wrong." He didn't always like sitting with emotions, but we were definitely able to spend time there.

Which is part of why it's so unexpected. IC's reaction is shock as well. When we first got together, he thought perhaps he wasn't as emotionally...mature? (forgot the exact word) But said it was clear he adored me and was a willing partner.

Both of us were certain he would reach out which is why it took me a minute to shift into the done-done mode.

Bearly, Zen, Phoenix, Freedom13 - your support is so appreciated. This place is the best.

I wonder about the kids. Are they just wandering around saying, "Where's Chili?" So jacked up.

Aw Chili, I'm sorry. You didn't deserve this at all! But good for you for knowing your boundaries and sticking to them.

Give your co-pilot a scratch behind the ears for me... and you, too.

Wow Chili, I'm sorry this happened to you. Seven years is a long time for it to just screech to a halt. It must be so hard.

I went through something similar, although it was someone I dated for just around 3 years. We got along great, has many of the same interests and even his family loved me, and I loved them.

He went through open heart surgery and I was there every day taking care of him, cooking food for him and making sure he took his meds. I got almost no appreciation for it. In fact, he became hyper critical and detached. I brought it up and nothing changed. Eventually I ended it.

In hind sight, he was always someone who was never going to take a relationship any further than what suited him. There were no past resentments, hurts he endured in other relationships or anything else. He liked everything I did for him just fine. As soon as I started expecting some appreciation, or anything more than he had been doing, he was no longer interested.

In fairness to him, I volunteered to do that stuff. I had a different view of the relationship than he did, and if I had done my homework, I would have known sooner that its just who he is. Every single relationship he ever had ended the same way, and they were longer relationships than he and I had. He was a better friend than boyfriend.

On a good note, I got to keep my relationship with his family members. I've had them over for Christmas even. I have no animosity towards him, but I didn't invite him to Christmas dinner either. And I think he was pissed. Oh well.

((((hugs))) Chili.

I, too, went into the pandemic with someone I was dating (10 months, but it was years since I agreed to date exclusively so like you, I also did it very carefully and deliberately on my end). Our relationship ended as well, I believe a lot of it due to lack of a physical connection (I was fine, he was not) and me letting a red flag be explained away (will never make that mistake twice - I noticed that he got short-tempered if we talked about something and had different opinions about it - I figured he was passionate, now I just know he hates being wrong.

BUT I managed to meet someone new. And he is as much of a giver as I am. We have lots of friends in common so I've been able to do a much deeper dive into his background than I usually am able to. He is pretty much My Ideal partner - I wasn't physically attracted to him at first but people here on SI said to give him a chance and boy am I happy that I did!

My long winded point is that even if he seemed like a great match, you will meet someone that matches even closer.

And in regards to your comment about "yet another relationship ending" don't be so hard on yourself. Relationships (mostly) go one of two ways - you break up or stay together. If we had a magic ball that would be great, but we don't. All we can can do is love authentically and pay attention to the red flags.

Best of luck <3

Ugh Chili. Very similar to my story, and I'm so sorry for you. Go no contact. Everything I read says to do that. Give it time.

Charity411: We've shared some similar pieces in our stories through the years for sure. Thanks for chiming in. (And yeah, the screeching halt is pretty unsettling). This idea of hitting a wall is worth pondering:

never going to take a relationship any further than what suited him

Nanners: Scratch request received and given. He was pleased to oblige.

But good for you for knowing your boundaries and sticking to them

Yeah - as unfun as that is - I learned the hard way about those boundary things. I really needed to stand up for myself to well...see where I stood.

GotTheShaft: No worries - I am the Queen of NC. Not communicated, asked anyone, snooped or anything since I put down my boundary. I've spent most of that time detaching, focusing on myself and putting all my energy to family and friends who could sure use it right now. (Oh, and of course doing some grieving).

twicefooled: I'm am so happy you took that chance - I remember you talking about it on here. It has to feel so good. Big kudos for being brave!

Wow, our stories are very similar. Been with SO for 9 years and things just changed. We are still together but have been on a break for 3 months and keep planning to get together and talk but it doesn't happen. It may never happen. He is going through his own issues and we agreed that space would be good. But...I miss him.

The good part about it is, I learned how much of my happiness relied on him. I realized that I was reaching out to him for everything - good thoughts, bad work experiences, funny thoughts, etc. Everything. Now I'm going through mad withdrawals as I try to go NC for as long as possible. I do believe that if he's still into me he'll reach out, and unfortunately for my heart, he hasn't. We work for the same employer (different departments) so we've been able to communicate through work emails without any problems.

I find myself lonely in the evenings when we'd just chat back and forth either through text or hanging out (we don't live together). I've been trying to keep weekends busy with drives to either a mountain range or a local lake, take walks, just do things to keep me preoccupied so that I don't think of him. But when the day or adventure is over, there he is on my mind.

How do you cope with the withdrawals? It's crazy!

Edit to add:

And in regards to your comment about "yet another relationship ending" don't be so hard on yourself. Relationships (mostly) go one of two ways - you break up or stay together. If we had a magic ball that would be great, but we don't. All we can can do is love authentically and pay attention to the red flags.

I felt this way too, thinking what the heck is wrong with me? I don't dive into relationships easily, but when I do I go all in. I had planned my life with SO, and as of right now have no desire to "try again." Perhaps I'll try again in 10 years or so when I'm closer to retirement and making new plans!

[This message edited by newlife03 at 5:46 PM, October 14th (Wednesday)]

newlife03 - I've been following your story on here as well. So sorry you're having to deal with the unknown.

How do you cope with the withdrawals?

For me, this was harder early on. We had that last discussion and then nothing. For years we had our daily connecting routine and that abruptly ended. Every time I missed him or wanted to reach out, I would call a friend, come on SI or do a bit of writing. Staying busy with things helped but "talking it out" helped more with that transition into living a life alone.

Once I knew in my bones that we were done, the shift was amazing. I felt lighter - more energetic - I could get down to the business of making decisions just for me. That helped a lot.

I wonder if your withdrawals are exacerbated because you're in such limbo? Is there a timeframe on the horizon where you guys decide to be all-in or all-out? This stuff is just plain hard.

(((Chili)))

Well not only has he revealed his true character, but also his abject stupidity in losing a damn fine woman like you. Wow. What.a.fucking.uselss.wankbag.

You are gonna be just fine though. I know you know that, but it helps me to hear it when I'm down!

Oh no!! I'm so sorry!! That really sucks. I really think that this pandemic has revealed some really weird traits in people. Unfortunately, like in this case, not necessarily good ones.

I really feel for the kids. Seven years is a long time in their lives and I'm sure that they're feeling that loss. Can you reach out to them for contact and maintaining those relationships?

It is absolutely better days for you ahead and it's truly your Ex's loss. What a dick. I hope that he circles back to you for some closure/discussion. You deserve that. Not that he deserves you, because he clearly doesn't. Not even close. ((()))

Chili - thank you for that. I find that when I keep busy and have something concrete to focus on that I know just sit around and be sad. Like you and your xSO, we communicated regularly. All day. Everyday!

As for a timeline, we've talked about meeting up to talk about things, but it never happens. He wants to do Christmas, so that just confuses me even more. Because of the things he's been dealing with I've tried not to push but being strong for the both of us is getting tough. And of course you know this all too well! Hugs

LE - Thanks chica. Indeed I will be just fine - but it sure is nice to hear the choir singing when you're feeling a little small. And P.S.: I haven't had to put my well-worn Bitch Boots on or anything, but they are standing right over there in the corner in case I need to slip them on in a hurry.

Brokenheart: Yeah - I mused earlier this Summer about these strange days putting a spotlight on folks' true character. I can only guess that's what I'm dealing with here. I wonder if what started as stubbornness/waiting for me to tell him how to get out of the doghouse got away from him. Either way, I wasn't bluffing with my boundary - so I don't suspect something resembling closure is in his wheelhouse at this point.

How to navigate things with the kids is something I've really been struggling with. I don't have kids myself and have not been part of a blended family, so maybe the SI folks can help me with this.

I haven't heard from them either and it's felt like icky boundaries to reach out to them right now with things still...unclean? I can only hope they think my absence is still Covid related. This will take some work - I don't want to involve kids in adult problems, but also - the idea of them thinking I just up and abandoned them makes me pretty pukey. That's *exactly* why I didn't want to even meet them for the first time (even at that big family bbq) until we had been dating for over a year. Fuck.

Im so impressed by you ! Being good at Nc is practically an olympian achievement . Power on

I'm so sorry Chili. You deserve better than what he was willing to give you and I'm so glad to see you know that too. Sending you big hugs.