SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you have followed me I’m sure it’s apparent how effed up my fWH’s affair has made me. And maybe you all have been waiting for me to crash and burn because I displayed all the signs.

I really need help.

I became a MH shortly after Dday but it in my mind Because there was no sex or significant time I dismissed it.

I have had that little voice inside me telling me that I will only be able to move forward if I have an affair of my own. Then and only then will I have a handle on my desire to reconcile.

Well I’m in the thick of an online affair with a guy from 20 years ago. I can’t believe how quickly this escalated as it started with him saying happy thanksgiving at 9:15pm on Thanksgiving night and we’ve been texting nonstop.

I thought it was safe because it’s online and with COVID and he lives in NYC while I live in Chicago.

WRONG! We’ve been sexting. He’s clearly experienced with it and I feel naive and it’s tapped into my Dom/Sub fantasy. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the variations of that relationship but somehow I think it’s extremely addictive. He knows what to say to me. I feel irritable and sick when I’m not texting him or when he takes too long to text back.

It’s been nonstop on both ends. I didn’t choose an affair down person- he’s someone I would have dated back in the day.

It’s been 4 days of communication but 20 years since we encountered each other.

Can I be in limerance this fast?!?! How do I get out of it?

The worse thing is ...... I’m thinking if this what my husband had to go through???

How did you stop contact? We shouldn’t be this close in 4 days.

I should have listened. This is more excruciating than regular BS recovery work.

Mickie500,

First of all I really do commend you for having this insight already. You can feel it is wrong.

Save yourself, your H, and this OM and possible OBS a lot of pain and go NC.

Simple - send a text. Say you are sorry for leading him on and that you will not communicate further.

Then block him on everything.

Here is the hard part - for the love of god DON'T delete anything. Go to your H and have a heart to heart talk. Tell him about your EA, about your struggles, give him you phone/computer/social media passwords, then go to IC and MC.

Mickie, I say this with all sincerity - there is nothing but wreckage and destruction going down the affair path. Yes it sucks you in so fast, and at first it is exciting and alluring and gets your hormones raging, then the stress begins of the double life and lies, and it is so hard to walk away, and you lose a lot of yourself in the process.

Learn to talk to your H. I mean really talk.

MrCleanslate-

I can’t let my husband see it. He’ll be crushed. I sent photos. He sent photos. Worse thing is because of what he said about his past feelings 20 years ago and how I responded my husband will feel more insecure.

Why is it important for him to see?

Also- I’m only regretting these withdrawal feelings because they are uncomfortable.....I’m not feeling bad really.

Let me rephrase that. “I don’t feel bad really” is referring to me feeling sorry for my husband.

How do I remove the stop sign? I need all the help I can get.

How do I remove the stop sign? I need all the help I can get.

The real truth of it all is that there's nothing here that anybody can do to help. You need to do things for yourself.

Be honest. With yourself and with your husband.

It sounds to me like your relationship is completely messed up at this point. Letting go, taking space and figuring things out slowly would probably be the best course of action; for you and your partner.

As with anything, it takes time. It's going to take time to untangle emotionally from your affair partner. It's going to take time for you and your actual partner to heal individually. And it's going to take time and a shit-ton of work for you and your husband to build something new (if you can at all). It's hard. It's scary. It's rubbish and it's shit. And it's also life.

My best advice is to find a good therapist (goes for your husband) and throw yourself into the journey as hard as your can...

hope things work out well.

Mickie,

You are sounding more and more like a wayward. LOL. Seriously though, yes the messages can be damaging to him, but deleting them can be more damaging as you take way his option to know. So many waywards delete data and are not truthful and it leaves the betrayed struggling to find out.

Many people are not feeling bad or guilty about what they did at first. I mean afterall it was only some texts, etc. It seeps into you as time passes, at least it does for most waywards.

You keep the text, you offer the passwords, you tell your H about all this for your own well being.

Look, this other guy is probably playing you, like he has other women, and he may even have a wife at home who is oblivious to this. Walk away now while you are still mostly whole. Do you really want to risk having posts or vids slapped up on pornhub by this guy (I'm not saying that is the case, but there are many that do just that). Or imagine being labelled the Other Woman....

So why do you not feel bad about it?

Forgettabledad,

I don’t want to separate we have children. Can you think of a way that doesn’t include that?

The Stop Sign has been removed. Betrayed Spouses are now allowed to respond.

Mickie,

This is a forum for all Former WS's who have ended or trying to end their affairs. You need to work on ending it in order to continue to post.

I am trying to end it. I’m trying to figure out how to end it without as much fallout.

Mickie, just an observation from your posts over the last several months but you have seemed determined to become a 'real' wayward for some time now. And you willingly and deliberately put yourself in a position to engage in such behavior. I struggle to believe that it 'just happened'.

As for most WS's, imho you need to come 100% clean and quit trying to control the outcome. Stop justifying what you're doing/have done, stop contacting someone who is okay with encouraging you to cheat on your husband. Separation is a possible consequence of infidelity. So is divorce. You knew that going in to your infidelity with this guy, you knew how devastating all the lies are, and yet you are now determined to lie more to your husband?

I can’t let my husband see it. He’ll be crushed. I sent photos. He sent photos. Worse thing is because of what he said about his past feelings 20 years ago and how I responded my husband will feel more insecure.

Why is it important for him to see?

Really? You really don't know why giving your husband all the information is important??

I didn’t choose an affair down person- he’s someone I would have dated back in the day.

NopeUh-uhsorry. Anyone who knowingly engages with a married person is a definite affair down.

I am trying to end it. I’m trying to figure out how to end it without as much fallout.

There is no such thing as ending without some measure of fallout. Do the mature responsible thing and end it decisively and deal with the consequences of it, whatever they may be.

As a BS here - this is really disheartening to see. You've BEEN on the other side and yet, as others have said, you're acting like a WS.

Lord knows you've chosen this path because you are so hurt and lost. On some level, it's understandable. I can't speak for your H, but seeing as what you've asked of him, I would hope he would show you compassion if you become the model WS, meaning someone who comes forth WITHOUT BEING FOUND OUT. It's more powerful if you confess, show him everything and express all that you can about it - the good and the bad. If anyone can relate to the "high" its him.

Maybe this was needed so you guys could move in a new direction towards R? Everything happens for a reason. Make the most of this chance and DO THE RIGHT THING. STOP LOWERING YOURSELF. Grow some self respect, you, your H and your M require it.

Really hoping this brings you two closer. Fear & secrecy...fodder of cheaters. Be better. Be stronger. Really hoping you will.

It's simple Mickie500, you done fucked up bad.

Ok, what's the advice?

1) Admit to your affair completely. Don't delete anything. Show it all to your H.

2) In front of your H, send a NC letter saying you want to 100% commit to your husband and that you do not want to talk to the old flame again. You are truly sorry for the hurt and damage you have caused.

3) Complete electronic transparency. Phone, email, IM, GPS, etc. No more lies.

4) Go back and read the material and books you probably gave to your H before. "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". There might also be one that is MH specific. I wouldn't know. Commit to the steps necessary for R.

You embrace honesty and authenticity. You confess and begin to work on yourself, and he needs to do the same. If you both can, then you use what you have done with yourself and apply to your relationship to make it better.

Is he married? You've done to an innocent woman,what was done to you?

Give your husband all the evidence. He deserves to make a decision based on the entire truth.

Another man has 4-day long and counting digital trail of your infidelity, including your naked pictures. He could spitefully decide to show them to your husband, maybe his partner will out you, or his phone will be comprised and they will get out by another means anyway.

Do you want that anvil swinging over your head for the rest of your life or do you want to fall on your sword now?

I don’t want to separate we have children. Can you think of a way that doesn’t include that?

We have 3 kids. It complicates issues of course. When I said separation I meant more of a inner space kind than physical. House separation can work - we've done that. But we both needed the mental space away from our very broken relationship in order to figure things out.

The hardest part is not letting the fear control you; and therefore forcing you to try and control the outcome. I don't know how you can do it. I spent time in therapy in order to learn to let go of my need to control. In the end it boils down to a very simple truth: "your marriage is over but it's not the end of the world".

You, him, your children. One way or another you guys will survive and can thrive. Put in the work on yourself first (and him on him). Then climb up the relationship mountain together (as long as you both want to). One of the many things I hold dear from my therapist is this: "build where you can and keep building instead of worrying about the end result".

Again; I hope you guys succeed. Marriage is a sacred thing, I hope yours can survive infidelity.

There are no naked pictures from me to him. I guess he could be lying but he said he is divorced.

He’s most likely just as messed up as me.

Madhatter here so I know the slippery slope and yes the limerance happens that fast and you will also have withdraw. It is exactly what your H felt during his own A.

You stop by going NC. Just tell the OM that you feel bad and need to end things (if you don't the tangled web keeps growing). I would also tell your H and let the chips fall where they may. I believe it is better to tell than to let a person find out.

Why not look into a separation? It doesn't sound like you are happy in your M. Sometimes it is better for the kids this way. It might be better for you too. If you feel like you will always resent your H for what he did (I know I did) then it would be best to cut ties. Live your life the way you want with no resentments.

Mickie,

You've got a lot of people in your corner really trying to give you the best advice possible.

Step back from this guy. Clear your head.

Just shut off your phone for tonight and spend some time with what matters to you - your kids, your H. Reflect. then do the right thing.

I really do feel for you right now. The struggle is real. But you're better than this.