SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently tried again with OLD. A man messaged me and I replied. We messaged back and forth through the app for a few days and then we exchanged #'s (I use google voice for privacy). We had great conversations on text and then started speaking on the phone. No red flags. This was the first guy I wanted to meet live. After two weeks of communicating, we decided to meet for an early dinner this past Saturday. It was fun! He looked like his pictures, was witty and a gentleman. He asked if I would like to go out again sometime and I said yes. He's new to dating also and I got the sense we were talking about developing a friendship then seeing what happens. I'm totally on board with that. So I texted him thanking him for a great night. He never replied. Sunday I got one text late in the day saying he had a busy day and was going to bed. Monday one text saying his allergies were bad and he was going to bed. Today a picture of sign he thought was funny then a text tonight that he had to get up early and "good night". I responded to each message (except the last one). He also never directly acknowledged anything that I said in my text. It feels like I'm being ghosted. He went from zero to sixty back to zero. Do I just let it go? Keep responding? Ask? I hate this!!!!!!! I am an over thinker on these things so I may just slink back into single-dom!

He did ask if you wanted to go out again. Ghoster's try to dodge that question and just never respond post date. I wouldn't read too much into it after a few days unless the text keep just dribbling.

Trying to get to know someone can indeed be a land mine these days from OLD. I try to establish fairly early that while texting is fine, it is not my preference. Phone, video, in person has to happen at a reasonable pace w CV19.

His lack of engagement seems either A) lazy B) he’s sick? C) other possible interests

I have returned the interest on more than one occasion... to hear nothing further. I don’t feel the need to follow up. If I say “meeting in person sounds great” via text then I have clearly given a green light.

You told him you were interested in another date, you have engaged via text. I would just wait to hear from him.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 12:39 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

You chatted for two weeks. The conversation felt easy and made you want to meet in person. You did and you felt it went well. From then on...nothing much and each text resembling an excuse. You said you replied to every single message...moving forward, try not to reply to messages unless they have an actual content. That will make him either disappear or make a better effort. Either way, you’ll have your answer.

I had dates before where the guy expressed a wish to see me again and then nothing. I have a theory that some people just say it at the end of the date to make things less awkward, not to set actual expectations. I wouldn’t take it too literally. I know it sucks when you have started forming an attachment with that person but it’s better now than 3/4 dates down the line.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 1:16 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

His disengagement has got nothing to do with you. It’s not on you.

I’d say, let it go. Try to put him out of your mind (I know it’s hard - we want to know why people pull away or disengage). Try to find things you enjoy, and friends who are supportive, and talk here! If he wants to talk, he can reach out. If he got a sudden case of the turtles and is trying to withdraw back into his shell rather than risk continuing into the dating world, there’s really not much you can do.

Don’t take it personal. Easier said than done, but when a doubtful thought comes up, remind yourself why it’s not something you have to carry. It’s his to carry.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:51 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

Do I just let it go?

Yes. It is nice to have a "I just see us as friends" but after one meeting this doesn't seem to be the standard. Don't read too much into it, sometimes it just isn't a fit. Not that it makes it any easier when you feel there was hope for a relationship.

I had one of those when I first started dating. It was a real world guy. Eventually he would ask me out again after saying we should, but not setting an actual day or time, for about a week at a time. I think it's a sign they aren't super into us but still sort of like us enough to drag it out--- Nothing wrong with continuing to date others and if he asks again and you FEEL like it, go out and enjoy, but know that he isn't super gung-ho at least at this point.

I am living this right now (I made a couple posts about it actually). Long story short, a real world guy told me he wanted to date me, then only sent sporadic brief texts. We eventually went out and had a great time (his words, not just my interpretation), but ever since he only continued to only send sporadic brief texts. The last time I texted with him was Monday night (I initiated the exchange) and I haven't heard from him since. So once again, I'm here feeling like I've been ghosted.

I KNOW this it too much work, I know I deserve someone who shows me that they want to be with me, I know I don't need to be stressed and over analyzing every communication, etc. Yet... I embarrassingly admit that I get hopeful every time I hear my phone ding with a text (only to get disappointed when I see it's not him that's texting).

I read this quote: "if he's interested, you'll know; if he's not, you'll be confused". Truer words have never been spoken and I repeat this to myself twenty times a day - hopefully one of these times it will stick...

Feel free to PM if you'd like to commiserate

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 11:14 PM, February 19th (Friday)]

Thanks everyone. Just to update - I stopped texting. About a week or so later I got a text saying he enjoyed meeting me but just wasn't ready for a relationship again. Ok - I get that so I thanked him for letting me know and left it there. Today I went online and low and behold, there he is again. Guess he wasn't into me. Oh well - back to the drawing board. Thanks for all the replies and encouragement. I needed that - my ego is a little bruised.

Yeah-- It kind of sucks. Remember if your ego is bruised to keep in mind it is a two-way compatability thing with 100's of little nuances.

Thisisterrible:

I read this quote: "if he's interested, you'll know; if he's not, you'll be confused".

I love it!!!

So I just read about how he told you he was just not interested.

I've had guys do similar things with me. It sucks because I just don't know what is going on. I had one guy suddenly act interested again once I told him I had started to date another man and that he was treating me well and that was what I deserved. He acknowledged that he messed up. At the time I was really bummed out, but the man I ended up dating for awhile was a much better "catch" and treated me much better as well.

Love quote :). Very true.

And I have learned if I have to ask and wonder that means something is off ..

That is a great quote. I'm going to keep it in mind! BTW - thanks for the great advice. I wasn't comfortable with dating before I got married and not even less so. My time with OLD is more lurking than engaging most days - just so intimidating. Friends have told me it will get easier the more I'm in it. Time will tell I guess.

[This message edited by thishurts123 at 2:01 AM, March 22nd (Monday)]

I've done a lot of OLD and I have to admit I've been that guy in your post. Here's what happens:

You can go weeks/months without a single first meet, then suddenly get a bunch in a short period of time. I've had a day where I met one person on a Sat and another on a Sunday. Both dates went well. Both wanted to see me again, I wanted to see both again.

Well the problem, at least for me. I sort of have a code where I don't want to date more than one person, even if it's a first or 2nd date. While the smart dater plays the field and sees what sticks, that sort of bothers me. So after that weekend, I sort of had to pick (I picked wrong, 1st girl turned into a disaster relationship, 2nd girl I'm still friends with). So even though the date went well with girl #2, and I texted her a lot afterwards, later that week I ended up having to pump the breaks. At least I did it honestly and told her "I'm in a new relationship". I think due to my honesty she actually liked me more, and we're friends to this day.

My advice to anyone new or dislikes OLD, don't take it so seriously. Don't stress over the rejections (because there will be many) don't stress over the ghosting. It's a game, or a very apt analogy is that it's like fishing. In fishing you don't let the nibbles, bites, or fall off the hook one's that got away get to you, you throw the line back out and keep going. Because at the end of the day it's all about the one(s) you catch that you remember.