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Anyone else feel depressed about their situation? I guess I'm depressed that this is my life. Now I don't want my other life back either, but it just feels so surreal and not what I expected. It wasn't like I was happily married and we had some wonderful life that I miss. I miss that I never got to experience a great marriage and a good life with a partner. When I see older people who are still holding hands it just baffles me.

I have no desire to date or be in a relationship again. I don't even want to try. Is this just me still recovering from the trauma of what my M was? I try to go out and do things with friends, my kids or just exploring by myself but I will find myself back in this depressing state. I'm depressed my kids are older and about to be on their own which will leave me totally alone (for some reason this thought causes me extreme depression and anxiety).

I have no desire to date or be in a relationship again. I don't even want to try.

This could change. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready...yet.

Are you going to IC? Your story was similar to mine and that your ex was extremely toxic. That definitely will have its effects on you.

As far as old people holding hands, how do you know that's not their third or fourth marriage? How do you know he's not verbally abusing her at home? Or cheating? You got yourself out of an extremely unhealthy situation. You are Miles ahead of where you were when you were married. You don't have to date again if you don't want to. But the important thing is, you can do whatever you want to do with the rest of your life. You should be proud.

Just a thought, when you're in a relationship with someone who treats you well, it is downright euphoric. There are good men out there. My Hope is that you eventually open yourself up to any possibility for yourself.

I am pretty much in the same boat, CBS. I'm a bit behind you in the process as I am trying to pick a D lawyer now and get the ball rolling. I'm still not 100% sure about D and the whole mess is exhausting. It's just sad, really sad. I think it's okay, and normal, to grieve when things end. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or that things won't get better. In fact, you're putting yourself in a position for very good things to come your way. That's the story I'm telling myself anyway.

And I get you on the kids leaving the nest thing too. Our youngest graduated nursing school and moved out last fall. It's the end of an era and change can cause anxiety. I can tell you your kids will still be in your life. The relationship changes into a sort of mentor\friendship. I have lunch with her a few times a month. She often comes over on the weekends or evenings she's off. She got a job in the exact field she wanted right out of school and she's super excited and it warms my heart to see her doing well. My son is married and they have an adorable 2yo daughter and the next grandkid, a boy, is due later this month. He's started a side business and things are going great overall for them too. Grandkids are truly a blessing I didn't foresee years ago and I'm thankful they are in my life. I still see him at least weekly too. Change is normal and constant and it isn't always a bad thing.

You're going to be fine and I would wager you'll look back at this time in your life and be grateful you took this step.

Time to make some goals for yourself

Also time to join some clubs or pick up some hobbies that have group meetings.

Whats a skill you have always wanted to learn?

My MIL met her H teaching stained glass. He took the class after getting out of an abusive M and moving to a new city all alone.

Doing this helps you interact with others build new friendships with people that don't know your history and don't care either. You are all there for a common purpose and you learn something you wanted to do.

Tushnurse is 100% on it. It's extremely important to give yourself a new something. It doesn't matter what it is (I mean, not heroin, lol). Just something. Mine was volunteering with the humane society and eventually working with them. I don't know who was healed more by that, me or the animals. It's hard to be sad cuddling puppies and kittens. I knew that would become something big for me before I even got involved and it has not disappointed.

That may not be your thing, but your thing is out there. Finding something you have a passion for is a lot more healing than sitting around wondering how you didn't get the life you wanted. Few of us get the life we wanted and expected. LOTS of us have to start over at ages when we think we should have been settled in for the long haul. You're far from alone in that. Sometimes it's abuse and infidelity. Sometimes it's a spouse dying young.

As for the dating...well, that's optional, not required. What's required is getting yourself to a point where you can feel some peace and satisfaction about your own life. It takes effort to do that when you're facing single life and an empty nest at the same time. This is why it matters so much to invest in giving yourself something to derive joy from. Something that's all about you. It might take a few tries to find that thing, but I promise you it's out there. This is the goal, to be okay on your own. I wouldn't recommend romantic relationships until you've reached that place anyway, so put that particular concern to the side for now. For now, you need to love you so much that it hurts and discover things about yourself that will enable you to make you happy. Date you, not others.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 10:38 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

I find that contentment came in fits and starts. I had good days and then sad periods. But when I look back, there are so many more good days, and even times when I just feel GOOD. Moments of joy, peace, and contentment with where I am.

Do I get lonely? Yes, and the pandemic did not help.

Do I want to be part of a partnership some day? Yes, but I am not quite ready to date. I’ll get there, or I won’t. Both options are okay.

I did lots of IC to discover who I AM. And I reached out to everyone and said yes to every offer to do anything. I went back to school. I join meet-up groups. I meet my neighbors.

CBS, we’re not done. We have a lot left to give and to receive. Give yourself the grace of not knowing and just finding those moments of sunshine. Do the things you need to do to recover and rediscover. There will be blah times. But there is magic out there for us.

((CBS))

There's going to be lots of good advice about joining meetup groups, social groups, how to surround yourself with new, good people.

Maybe this advice isn't for everyone, but I'd recommend also learning how to enjoy being alone. There are going to be times when you are alone, and if you learn to enjoy it rather than be afraid of it, it can be a big advantage. Imagine not having to turn the tv down. Eat ice cream for breakfast. That soda can...pick it up tomorrow no one is going to say anything. You can watch what you want, wear what you want. Have fun with the total freedom (other than you know, the job...or pets that need to be fed) that being alone brings. Not that it is going to be your complete state, everyone needs social interaction. But those stretches when you are alone, embrace it. Eventually you may even get to the point where you say to yourself, "OMG I don't have anything to do this Saturday, 24 hours alone time!".

I feel it's just as unhealthy for people to need to be around other people 24/7 as it is for chronic loners. I think being able to balance it, have fun with the social interactions but also be able to enjoy the alone time, that makes you the most centered.

CBS, I'm thinking this is part of processing through being in a long term NPD relationship.

We've been in a dysfunctional relationship with all of the crap that goes along with NPD that it can be difficult to know when to move forward.

CB,

I did not want to D, I just could not get off of the lethal plain of flatness. I thought my marriage was great. We were THAT couple. Fun, traveled, successful, no kids, but also homebodies and back yard kitchen cooking was a usual Saturday evening. Normal and what I expected out of a marriage. Except that he cheated when we were engaged and at various degrees until dday. So, all one big fucking farce.

Fast forward after the D, then a breakup of a 2.5+ yr relationship in 2017 and I knew I needed a reset. Of me. I read, I listened to podcasts, I sat with my hurt, I talked with GFs on occasion. I got healthy emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. I put all my time and energy into me. And sometimes I didn’t leave the house for the weekend and did not see friends for a month or two.

By 2020 I was ready. Look at me all excited to start OLDing. Ha! Hello CV19. Scratch that practically off the list completely except for one guy for 3 months.

2021 and my New Years resolutions including not renewing any more OLD. Last of 3 (yes 3!!) expired early March.

I’m taking private salsa lessons, learning to play pickle ball, making new/additional GFs, and.... reading and listening occasionally to podcasts again that are of interest to me.

I willingly admit that I’m lonely. Lonely as fuck is my known phrase with my GFs. But I refuse to let this define me. Maybe I’ll try OLDing again later this fall, who knows. Maybe I’ll meet someone the old fashioned way, but I’m open to it.

I do think it is still the trauma of the shit sandwich you were handed. There is no perfect timeframe. I almost feel like I’m starting over and somehow lost any forward process from the last two years. Ugh.

Do what feels best for you. But then be ready to push yourself out of the comfort zone eventually too. When you feel that depression or anxiety coming on how are you able to address it? Do you need quiet time to come thru it? Empathetic interaction with a trusted friend?

You can do this. The chaos has been on your back for so long, I bet once you truly start to heal/recover you will see how peaceful (and deservedly so) your life can be!

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 2:08 AM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

You have plenty of reason to be depressed... there is definitely plenty of trauma.

You can take all the time that you want to heal. It's okay.

My advice: starting thinking about the things that make YOU happy. And start planning on how to do more of those.

I have started coaching again. For two hours on Sundays, I get to coach 8 and 9 year old kids how to play flag football. It's stupid and pointless and the best two hours of my week.

I look forward to the day this is far behind me.

CBD I know how you feel. I’m most mad at myself that for the last 10 years I only survived, didn’t really get to do great thing with my kids-mainly bc I was broke and barely making it. Looking back, I really wish I had taken them somewhere during my parenting time at Thanksgiving, Christmas, July 4, etc. they needed to get away as much as I did. We did go to FL for 3 days over NY one year, that was fun! We stayed with a friend so it was cheap.

Maybe you could plan a small trip for you or you and and them this summer? Even a day trip to a nearby town helped me bc I was forced to not drive around in a daze, I had to focus. It will get your mind onto hopeful events.

BG:

I feel it's just as unhealthy for people to need to be around other people 24/7 as it is for chronic loners

I hadn't thought about this! This is a great point.

CrazyBlind, maybe take your kids on a monumental vacation before they are on their own? It's good to get to a different environment like that. It will force you to get out of your depression, at least for awhile just by the nature of planning and making things happen. I have always dragged my feet planning get aways, get nervous, overwhelmed etc. and then in the end, absolutely love that I went. EVERY time. By monumental I don't mean it has to be expensive. Just something you think you all would enjoy. It forces your mind into a brand new pattern for awhile. Well worth it and your kids will remember it for the rest of their lives.