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don’t think about square one mech.. it’s not square one. you made some progress, you lost a little ground, you can get it back. don’t buy into manipulation. your in a vulnerable place and your feelings are trying to speak over your rationality. it happens to everybody.. just don’t act on your feelings buddy, think. give yourself some time to think things through. i know this shit is agonizing, but this is where you grow. really weigh things out. it’s agonizing until it’s not anymore. i can’t give you advice on reconciliation because it’s not the path i chose. i did listen to the people here, and i didn’t feel like i had it in me to manage my resentment towards the WS day in and day out. maybe it’s for some people. what i can say is that your in a f*cking meat grinder right now. this is the worst part. you’ll go up and down and upside down figuring out which way to go. i did, most of us do. walking away is terribly hard to do in the short game, but in the long term, i’m glad that i did. i’m happier alone than i was committed to a deceitful narcissist. it was just a long way here, but it was worth the trip. hang in there buddy

It is totally normal to worry about her, especially as she is displaying such self destructive behaviour. It would be strange if you didn’t have some compassion for her.

I’m still married to my WW, so different take on being worried for her health. My WW downed 600mg of morphine, I saw her down the pills. I intervened and forced her to throw them up. I was so sad, angry, hurt, scared, all at the same time. I am still on guard for signs in my WW as she had serious thoughts of suicide prior to taking action about a week after dday.

Jameson, I'm really sorry to hear about your WW. Having struggled with suicidal thoughts I can relate.
I can't say that it hasn't been on my mind lately, though not as much as the first couple weeks.

i can’t give you advice on reconciliation because it’s not the path i chose. i did listen to the people here, and i didn’t feel like i had it in me to manage my resentment towards the WS day in and day out. maybe it’s for some people. what i can say is that your in a f*cking meat grinder right now. this is the worst part. you’ll go up and down and upside down figuring out which way to go. i did, most of us do. walking away is terribly hard to do in the short game, but in the long term, i’m glad that i did.

Reborn, thanks for the encouraging words. I think we're way past reconciliation at this point. I can't forgive her now, even if she came out of her fog and tried to come back, which I doubt will happen any time soon.

I'm trying to move forward. I'm working out, eating healthy, meditating every day, I've even gone out with friends a couple times. It just feels, I don't know. Wrong? Like I'm just going through the motions. I hope I get to the point you're at now but it does feel a lot like a meat grinder at the moment.

I've been where you are, Mechanic, and sometimes, going through the motions is all we have. "Fake it 'til you make it" type thing. But a funny thing happens, eventually, you'll find that you're having times of genuine joy and laughter again. It's like the scar is slowly healing over. There will be long stretches at a time when you don't think of her or what you have "lost" in your life. (I personally think you're gaining though.)

As far as being suicidal, I think you don't want your life to end; you just want the pain to stop. It will slowly start to hurt less and less, especially if you are avoiding talking to or about her. Things do get better. Spring is on the way.

But a funny thing happens, eventually, you'll find that you're having times of genuine joy and laughter again. It's like the scar is slowly healing over

Funhouse, I hope this happens sooner rather than later. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's affecting every aspect of my life.

As far as suicidal thoughts, I've struggled with them since I was a young teen. I've never felt like I was enough, I've always felt inferior to others.

I think I have abandonment issues. Like I mentioned in another post my father was murdered when I was 8 years old, I heard everything. One moment he was there, then after a hail of gunfire he was gone. All my friends in school stopped hanging out with me because of the circumstances regarding his murder. So I was abandoned by them as well. I felt like I was somehow at fault. I retreated into my shell. No one would hang out with me for the entirety of elementary school. I didn't actually make friends until Highschool.

I made a lot of progress regarding friends and my self esteem while I was in the Air Force, not quite enough though. I still hated myself.

Now my wife abandoned me and created a new wound while also reopening old ones. So I'm all messed up haha. I am trying though, I'm in IC so hopefully that helps.

Who do you have to lean on as a support system right now? Do you have any friends, relatives, or coworkers in whom you can trust and confide?

Also, try to do at least one thing a day that’s fun or relaxing, just to treat yourself. Get yourself an ice cream sundae, go somewhere you haven’t been before, get a new outfit. Do something nice for yourself that you would do if you had a best friend who was going through what you’re going through.

Another thing to do is something that you liked but couldn’t really indulge in cause your ex didn’t like it. For example, my ex was a health nut. After I moved out, I bought myself a box of sugary kid cereal— the kind my parents only bought me on my birthday— and I had it for breakfast every morning. I binge watched history documentaries that he always complained were too boring. Give yourself a taste of the happy life you can have without her.

You’re a young man and you’ve been through so much. You will get through this, too.

Broken – the old saying about making lemonade if your life gives you lemons apply here IMHO.

A lot is controlled by us. By our heads and thoughts. I know this isn’t easy but try as you can to see what is taking place as an opportunity. A chance to realign your life and move on towards a more positive future.
Yes I know it’s hard. I’m not making light of that. But honestly – at your age, no kids, no mortgage, low or little debt… THIS is the time you can reevaluate your career and possibly live like a student while you get your diesel certification, your airplane maintenance certification, your commercial boat engine certification… whatever (I’m assuming you are a mechanic of some sorts already, but if not then replace with whatever certification it is you have always dreamt of).
This is the opportunity for you to move out of Deadendsville to whatever part of the country you want. The chance to head for Alaska and work on the oil-rigs, or California and fix boats or whatever.
Rather than focusing on this being the END of something focus on this being the BEGINNING of something.

Honestly – I DO GET IT that you love your wife and this isn’t what you envisioned. But frankly… it’s like facing the charred ruins of your burnt-out home wishing your favorite couch was still there. You can wish and wish… still a charred ruin. Your time is better spent rebuilding.

This is an attitude issue. It’s YOU who decide how you move on. Granted you might need help from friends, counselors or family, but it’s YOU that needs to act.

The father in law… Well… I strongly suggest you be prepared to detach from everything and anyone that can keep you emotionally attached to her. FIL included if necessary.

Finally – on the alcoholism issue. One of the definitions of alcoholism is if consuming alcohol makes you act in ways that negatively impact your life and you KNOW will highly likely or probably negatively impact your life yet you still consume alcohol.
I have a female friend who "only" drank around 5x a year. Would go months without a drink. Yet when she had a drink she couldn’t stop at 2-3, but carried on and generally ended up in bed with someone other than her husband. She realized she had a drinking problem (alcoholism) when she realized she couldn’t have one drink and stop at that, and not even have 2-3 drinks and stop at that DESPITE knowing if she had more she might do something foolish. The DT is a consequence of the physical side of drinking, but the alcoholism itself is both a mental and physical illness.

Bigger.... Great Post^^^^^.

I think I have abandonment issues.

There's a really great book called, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson which might do you a world of good. Of all the things I read after dday, and I read copiously, this was probably the most inciteful. In it, the author reminds us that we are born with an innate fear of abandonment. It's what causes babies to cry when they can't see their mothers. After infidelity, it just stands to reason that this reflex has stayed with us, doesn't it? We feel so wrecked. But we don't think of abandonment. We don't realize that we've more or less transferred that fear onto our primary relationship and then become emotionally reliant on preserving it so as to feel existentially threatened by its potential loss.

The author also does a pretty good job of explaining how our brains and bodies react to this kind of trauma. She even offers a few tools to get us started in recovery.

The bottom line is that, in many ways, the panic we feel is due to an illusion. We aren't existentially dependent on our primary relationship anymore. That need still feels imperative, but it's not. We aren't babies anymore who can't take care of ourselves. We're grown ups who are innately equipped for self-reliance.

Infidelity at its core IS an abandonment wound, and it has a way of breaking open every old abandonment scar we have. When that happens, all that pain from all those old wounds seems to amplify in the betrayal injury. In my own case, I found myself angry again about things that I had forgiven many years ago. These things seemed so fresh, and THAT is the nature of trauma, the way it makes the past feel present.

You're going to be okay. Trust yourself. Your instincts are good, and you ARE enough. You'll get through this.

Mechanic, you are needed. I know you don't see it now, and honestly, sometimes we're not supposed to. I didn't see it when I was your age and felt the same things you do. But you are.

There will be so many times in your life that you (and your experiences) will be a gift to others. People you love now, and people you will love in the future.

I know this sounds woo-woo and crazy, but I am a professional psychic and a life coach. I help people see their potential and it breaks my heart when people who have so much to offer don't realize that THEY are the ones who are going to make a difference. That THEY are the ones who will be important to the world, even if in just small (but important!) ways.

I hope you see that you and your open heart, and your spirit of giving, is what will make a huge impact on this world we're living in.

Please know that people care about you and are rooting for you. Both people who are here now and people who will need you in the future. Don't throw away your future for anything.

I don't know if anyone is still listening but I'm having a hard day and felt the need to write my feelings down so I figured I'd do a little update.

I found a place to live that I'll be moving into next weekend. I'm a bit stressed about how expensive everything is but with some budgeting I should be okay.

On the emotional front I'm not doing much better to be honest. I found out that after getting kicked out of her father's house my STBXW moved into an place with AP. She told me a while back when I was still doing the pick me dance that she wasn't ready to love anyone, that she needed to be alone but now she's moved in with her assistant. That hurts immensely, but I'm still NC with her eventhough I keep wanting to reach out.

I've read [no soliciting] and I'm currently reading "The journey from abandonment to healing." Both have been very insightful, I'm still pretty raw and I believe I need some time for those lesson to really sink in but I'm trying to absorb it.

Frankly, I'm afraid of being alone. I'm scared I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. I know I have it better than a lot of you guys here, I don't have kids, little debt but I'm just so damn miserable. So lonely. I read some of your stories and wonder how you guys can keep walking, I don't feel like I have that kind of strength, at least not yet.

I've been thinking about what Bigger wrote, about this being an attitude issue, they're right and I'm trying to change my way of thinking, I'm talking to my therapist about this. It's just a matter of taking steps to learn how to love me, I'm still trying to wrap my head around that idea, it's been hard.

That's pretty much it, not exciting but I'm trying to move forward. Sorry for the rant,

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:28 PM, Thursday, February 9th]

Brother rant all you want or need to.
Your WW is just a toxic selfish person. She claimed her AP was controlling and the way it sounded borderline emotionally abusive yet now is cohabiting with him. He is young she isn’t. He will tire of her when the novilty wears off.
Become the one that got away.
One day at a time.

I chair meetings and to help move things along(deliberately vague) I use ice breakers and one of the ways we do it is to write the most important things and the worst things. Every time the three worst things are murder, rape and lying. You have been lied to. Once the pain of the cheating lessens then you will be faced with number three, lying. This is when you get angry. Anger is a healthy emotion because it gets you moving, one way or the other. It is like you put high octane in your tank. Don’t be afraid or embarrassed about your sadness or your anger. A great betrayal has been done to you.
Your common sense will come back. That is when you make some serious decisions. Smart decisions. Take your time.
In the meantime look after your health. Drink lots of water, no alcohol, eat healthy. Get enough sleep. Don’t beat yourself up if you have crying jags, angry outbursts, or can’t get out of bed. It will be up and down for a while.

I feel like I'm spiraling guys.

I think I'm having a nervous breakdown or something.

I'm feeling this overwhelming urge to contact her. To do the pick me dance again. I know it's not logical, she's living with her AP, it's clear she's chosen. I'm just gonna humiliate myself again.

I haven't done it but I'm feeling like I really want to.

I need help, I'm so anxious. I can tell all my support group is at the end of their rope with my shit and I don't want to keep bothering them.

Fuck I just want to scream. I don't know what to do.

[This message edited by BrokenMechanic at 4:33 AM, Tuesday, February 14th]

No new contacts means no new pains. Pain is all she can offer you now.

I used to go to my car and scream until my voice was gone. I'd sit on the porch and hi howl with the dog. What can you do to get the emotions out?

I did go to my car to scream and cry. I've been a wreck but I got through the work day and I didn't contact her.

I've been having anxiety attacks and crying fits all weekend. Like sobbing ugly crying, I just couldn't stop.

Something weird just happened though, like just an hour ago suddenly the anxiety went away and now I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing, like I'm empty. Almost feels like I'm outside my body, like I'm floating. It doesn't feel good or bad. I'm just numb. I'll take it though, this is better than the crippling anxiety ive been experiencing.

Please know that you will be happy again even without your WW if you want it and you work toward it. Many people here have felt exactly the way you are feeling now - despair and panic at how they could ever find happiness without the person that they built their entire life around.

The answer is that you will start from scratch and rebuild. At first by yourself, but eventually with someone else if that's what you want.

What you are feeling is the panic of the reality of all of this setting in. You're not going wake up and find that it was all just a nightmare. This is your life. The reality is that the woman you loved is gone. She turned into someone else entirely. Or maybe she was just an illusion all along. That's a terrible thing to have to accept.

It's admirable that some of us love our WS so much that we cling to them desperately. But that's also a response to the trauma of betrayal. Recognizing that the woman you loved no longer exists and that what is left is desperate clinging due to trauma can help you determine to move forward.

I'm very sorry for the pain that you are going through. You deserve better than to destroy yourself over a woman that is too emotionally broken to see that she is destroying herself. This is all on her. It has nothing to do you with you or even the AP. She's a mental and emotional basket case and there's nothing that you can do to fix that. She has to decide to fix it herself.

Wishing you strength and peace.

It is called dissociation. It is when the stress in our lives is so powerful that our bodies cannot take any more. This is why many bs have PTSD. It is a real thing.

Get to the dr today and get some medicine for anxiety.

Please reread Camomile Tea’s thoughts. It is right on the money.

Sending you hugs. ((((Mechanic)))))

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm in a similar boat with the anxiety and then numbness. One thing that's really helped me is my doctor prescribed propranolol, which is a heart medication. The great thing about it is it has really dropped down that panicked, fight or flight, heart pounding feeling in my chest without making me sleepy like a lot of anxiety meds will.

Also, I don't think your WW is staying with AP because he is so great or you are so bad. I think she is staying there bc she is broken, doesn't want to face herself, and has no where else to go. I also know that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Seeking,

I keep telling myself that is over and that she's not the person I married. I keep telling myself to let her go. Some part of me refuses to do it. It's still clinging to some sort of hope. I'm trying to kill that hope. I'm trying to move forward but I'm finding it difficult.

Cooley,

The disassociation didn't last long. I woke up with anxiety again. My doctor gave me anxiety meds, but they're not helping much, I'm about to talk to my therapist in a few minutes. Hopefully that helps.

Ballofanxiety,

Thank you, I know your situation is fresh too and I feel your pain. I wish I could give you some comfort as well but I'm a wreck.