SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reborn,

It's good to see you comment again, man.

Yeah, the pet situation is kind of tricky. But last night when she was talking about our dog I told her to stick to the facts and not tell me about how she's feeling, that she has someone else for emotional support now.

You're right to think that the situation with her AP is volatile. He's not a good person, and I'm not just saying that because he's the OM. He's manipulative, unstable and immature. I'm just going off the short convo I had with him where he threatend me and what my FiL has told me about him.

Not really sure what she's thinking or why she's with this turd stain. But it's not my problem anymore.

It always boggles mind when I learn about WSs who risk their marriage, family, career and the life they built for a person who doesn't deserve any of that. How come these people loose their common sense and not see this?

Lurking,

Yeah, it's very confusing. I think this was an exit affair. But she says she loves this kid. So I have no idea.

I'm honestly kind of messed up about it. The fact that she blew up our marriage and potentially her career for... that. I still can't help but feel, I don't know,inferior? Like was I so bad that she thinks he's the better choice?

Is the sex that much better? What is he offering that I wasn't? Is it because he's tall and blonde like the first AP and I'm not? Did she ever even find me attractive? These questions keep running through my mind.

I don't know, my self esteem has always been low but now it's not even there. Makes me feel like garbage.

When I first found out my self esteem took a tank, but the anger I felt brought it back in no time.

She and Her POS work together at a school, so her students have seen her interact with the POS multiple times. I'm sure they've picked up on some of the flirting, inuendo filled comments between them and likely stolen touches in the classroom. For this reason alone you have to out her to the school.

She's shown she doesn't have the ethics to be in a position to protect young minds. Her relationship with the POS won't last long. Recently there was a news release that over 600 teachers in Chicago were implicated in "Adult on Student" misconduct. She needs to be outed to ensure she doesn't cross the line into becoming an abuser.

Strength to you!

I do understand exit affairs but what I don't understand is when people chose totally unreliable, immature and non-empathetic person like him. He is too young to have any idea about love, relations and commitment. Considering how disrespectful he was to you even when knowing that you have legitimate beef with him shows what kind of an asshole this guy is.

I understand you feeling inferior. But you do know somewhere deep inside that it's not true. She did choose you before and married you. So she did find you attractive enough to settle with. She cheated because she isn't matured enough to deal with life of marriage. Marriage brings tough challenges and some people cannot deal with these challenges. Instead of standing up to them, they chose to be cowards and run away and blame the other for failure of their marriage. You do say your FIL is a great guy and yet he was betrayed by his wife. There are many stories here where your will find that BS was lot better than AP in every department- looks, personality and even financial wise and yet they were all betrayed. So know that this affair is not about you and is not your fault. This is an opportunity for you to work on yourself and improve your value. She is on a path of depreciation. Her worth will only decline. She doesn't know it yet.

What is he offering that I wasn't?

So sorry, BM, that you have to question so many things and find yourself in this boat.....

Well, the OM offered no morals, no boundaries, childish and immature behavior, character flaws in line with the latter, and accepted the same from your WW.

Strength to you and healing!

Broken

It’s very common that we wonder if they cheated because the sex was so much better…
Well… just remember that the cheating took place BEFORE she had the comparison. She had no idea of what sex to expect – no comparison – until she had experienced it. So no… she didn’t cheat because of Mr. Wonderschlong or whatever. She cheated for the same reason every cheater does: Because of deficiencies in THEM.

Get it? We constantly get all these issues where the betrayed man wonders if OM has a couple of inches more to offer or whatever. These things tear us apart and break us down. Reading your story I see hit after hit, and I’m not so certain you can stand upright after some more. Therefore do your best to remove hits you are giving yourself – like wondering if OM is so much better in bed or if you were lacking.
Affairs don’t just "happen". It’s not like your wife is making a meatloaf minding her own business and then all of a sudden shes reaching for OM crotch. There is a PROCESS. Generally a graduation of steps. At each and every step the WS has the option to stop. Your wife didn’t.
After it’s taken place… justification. It’s so much better to say "I had an affair because the sex was sooooooo goooooooddd!" rather than the truth "I cheated because I felt insecure and needed validation".

Her cheating doesn’t reflect on you, but says a lot about her.

I walked in on my then-fiancé and OM having sex. Stood in the doorway for eternity trying to grasp what I was looking at. Well… if eternity is 2-3 seconds before I flipped the light switch. I even had the "pleasure" of having OM jump off her, out of the bed and look at me – with his fast-shrinking appendage standing at attention (at least until he saw me…). It wasn’t anything special – wasn’t like two gymnast-slash-pornstars doing the Kama Sutra from page one to end. It was simply two people having sex. I doubt she was cheating for the sex per se, but rather for the same reason most cheat – for verification. Just like your wife.

And I don’t really like the term "exit affair". Its like calling murder "assisted involuntary suicide". She had an affair. If she wanted to end the marriage a talk and some paperwork would have been morally better and more efficient than dressing up and sneaking around with OM.

I strongly suggest you detach.
Reporting her is not detaching. No gain for you whatsoever IMHO. Just detach.
Since it’s her dad’s house chances are you will move out. Accept that and start looking for alternative housing.
Since there are no kids and no alimony then look at what assets might be there to divide.
What about savings? I’m guessing comparable pensions? Chances are it’s only a question of who gets to take whatever cash you two might have for a down-payment on a lease.

The animals? My very best friend is four legged and furry. Yet I suggest you do not make them a reason to remain in any significant contact. Either alternate weeks or at least have days between interactions. You want distance to detach and start your emotional recovery.

BrokenMechanic, regarding the advice you got from Reddit about reporting the affair to her school, it's not in your interests to have your wife out of a job when you're in the midst of a divorce. As I said in a previous comment, the reason you need to move forward with your divorce as swiftly as possible is to ensure that the ink is dry on your decree before her affair with her TA is inevitably exposed to her school administration so you don't end up having to support her and/or get screwed over in your final settlement.

As for your pets, this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you need to come to an agreement with your wife about who will get permanent custody of them. A "shared custody" arrangement with your ex will prohibit you from cutting contact with her and will keep you entrenched in each other's lives. Just read posts in the Divorce section about the hell that people go through because they have kids with their exes and are stuck dealing with them forever as a result.

hey mech, i know you’re struggling with your confidence right now, and it’s normal.. this shit is traumatic. don’t make this about your shortfalls, this is about her selfishness and lack of commitment and moral boundaries. everyone can cheat, and sometimes decent people are tempted to and they don’t because they’re loyal… she’s not loyal. that’s the problem, not your imperfections. let’s hit some bullet points.

• i like the high road. i think it’s a great option and its a good look. you’re close to her daddy and that’s cool. it’s not gonna hurt anything to keep the gloves on. you don’t have to focus on revenge, focus on yourself and exiting this situation.
• she is on a fast track to destroying herself, you don’t have to do it for her. i would want her to keep her job as long as possible just so she can put on this clown show in front of all of her peers and they can all laugh and watch her fail miserably. she’ll probably end up quitting her job out of shame when that little boy starts banging another teacher.
• seriously bro, take care of yourself. exercise or hit the gym.. get a profile on a dating site. you don’t have to jump into a relationship or anything, just mingle a little
• you’re gonna be good homie, just keep lookin forward

Thank you all for the encouraging words.

I'm trying to get in the mindset that this isn't my fault, I've been working out every day, eating healthy and I started doing meditation and honestly it's helped a bit, I know I need to keep going to see the real benefits. But yeah I have some work to do.

I've already moved most of my stuff out of her father's house. I'm temporarily living with my brother and his family until I get back on my feet. I'm hoping the get my own place in the next few months.

In terms of assets, she sent me most of the savings since I put most of the money in there. Other than that and the animals we don't have anything together.

In regards to the pets. We already agreed that when I get my own place I'm gonna take one of the dogs and one of the cats, which we got while we were together. The other cat and dog she had before we met, so she's keeping those. So far I've been going to visit the pets when she's not there, I haven't seen her since I left for the holidays.

I don't know how the situation will look when I get my own place and she wants to come see them. I will have to think pretty hard about this. I know seeing her will not be good for me but I also don't want to deprive her of seeing the pets that are gonna leave with me. Maybe I'm being too nice. I'm not sure.

[This message edited by BrokenMechanic at 1:41 AM, Friday, January 13th]

You’re not being too nice. You are deceiving yourself.

You are trying to figure out a way to stay in contact with her because you hope she will come back.

There is nothing abnormal with you for thinking that but you can’t.

You have to let her go.

You really need to stop going over there to visit the animals.

It’s just a sneaky way of trying to stay in contact.

You are never going to see those animals again unless there is a complete turnaround.

And there is never going to be any turnaround while you are still chasing her.

I know it’s tough. I know you’re so hurt.

But the hard truth is you need to let her go. Completely.

We all love our animals but if you had too you would need to leave all of them behind.

They are like children but they are not children.

Getting away from her and starting no contact is that important.

At least you are getting some of them. You need to be happy and move on with them.

Asap on getting out of her house. Get help and get it done.

You are addicted to your wife. You can’t start healing if you keep taking a hit of wife drug.

You can’t be friends. You can’t let her keep you in back up. You will not be friend zoned by your wife.

You need to quit trying to nice her back.

It will never work.

You need to get away and go no contact immediately.

Finish your business and block her number and social media. Any friends that are hers and not really yours. Her family.

Let them all go.

It really is the only way.

I’m so sorry.

I still can't help but feel, I don't know,inferior? Like was I so bad that she thinks he's the better choice?

Is the sex that much better? What is he offering that I wasn't? Is it because he's tall and blonde like the first AP and I'm not? Did she ever even find me attractive? These questions keep running through my mind.

I don't know, my self esteem has always been low but now it's not even there. Makes me feel like garbage.

Never base your self-worth on the perception of a broken person.

I do understand exit affairs but what I don't understand is when people chose totally unreliable, immature and non-empathetic person like him. He is too young to have any idea about love, relations and commitment. Considering how disrespectful he was to you even when knowing that you have legitimate beef with him shows what kind of an asshole this guy is.

That's part of why they always affair down. People that value themselves really don't want to be part of an affair. That leaves the dregs as potential APs.

I still can't help but feel, I don't know,inferior? Like was I so bad that she thinks he's the better choice?

Is the sex that much better? What is he offering that I wasn't? Is it because he's tall and blonde like the first AP and I'm not? Did she ever even find me attractive? These questions keep running through my mind.

Previous poster succinctly captured what I wanted to say.

To be blunt, she's a dumpster fire, willing to destroy her career with no regard to how it affects her future or you.

Are they really love's ideal? Even if the sex is incredible and he was the second coming of Brad Pitt, it's not substantive, it doesnt pay the bills, it doesn't nurture, it doesn't support.

Build your self worth into steel and your foundation will never be shaken again.

So I'm starting to get more angry than sad.

I'm starting to hate her, I hate the AP with burning passion but now those feelings are starting to surface for her as well. But I still love her too? I'm so confused.

Is this good? Is this healthy? I don't want to be this angry.
I'm angry that she seems happy with that little POS, I'm angry that I can't see my dogs and cats everyday. I'm angry that I can't seem to afford a house even though I make decent money.

And now I find out our contract with the Air Force at work won't be renewed next year. So now I have to find another job that probably won't pay as much.

I'm livid at this situation. I'm besides myself with anger.
I don't want to live with this hate and anger in my heart but here I am, all I feel is fury.

Anger is good; it means that you're moving through the stages of grief. The path isn't going to be linear (you'll probably go back and forth between shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger, etc) but its all part of the healing process.

Channel your anger toward things that are constructive, like hitting the gym, getting your affairs in order, job hunting, and most importantly of all, maintaining no contact with your soon-to-be-ex-wife.

Anger is normal. It's typical for people who have been betrayed to grieve, very similar to the way we grieve when loved ones die. The Five Stages applies... denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. But it's not as straightforward as that. We tend to cycle through and oftentimes in no particular order until one day we finally reach a stage of acceptance that sticks. Anger can motivate us to change and get us out of our rut. It's an uncomfortable feeling though, and at a certain point is can (and will) disrupt your life.

I read a Buddhist account which said that emotions are like visitors, uninvited, unplanned ones. You basically just allow them to come in and sit with you, and then, and this is the tricky part... you let them leave when they're ready. We get into trouble because sometimes we hold on to our emotions like they're going to protect us somehow, but that's just an illusion of safety.

Your anger is natural. It's okay to let it move you toward self-improvement. If it becomes a problem and starts impeding your progress, that's when you'll do well to get help letting it go. I remember having a tough time with it and therapy did help a bit. It still took time though, as well as conscious effort.

the anger is natural. it probably stems from the truth sinking in.. that she’s been selfishly looking out for her own interests with reckless abandon for what it’s costing you. it’s another step in the process. i don’t wanna make a big stretch and say that it’s healthy, but sadness allows you to be sympathetic and the anger will help you be more selfish. now’s time to be selfish. i know it’s not a good time to be worried about your career too, but set up a few accounts and profiles like linkedin, glassdoor and indeed. you’d be surprised what’s out there, especially if your home life allows you to work swing shift.. (i’m just assuming your in industry, like probably a maintenance mechanic?) there’s stuff out there, you’ll be able to find something if you have to. also, in the mean time, if your still helping support her financially… stop that.. (car notes, insurance, joint cellphones, utilities, etc.) it’s time for everybody to be their own grown up. process the anger in a constructive way like blue said. just keep up the grind and let time do it’s job… this is a phase in your life that will pass

josiep, so my ww has ADHD and is bipolar as well. She also has family history with BPD, I don't know if she has that but I've been wondering lately. Anyway, she can't sit still for very long, could never watch a movie or show without her getting up to do something. She would get distracted very easily. She took meds for it but I could still see the ADHD at work.

Meanwhile, I can sit and watch TV or play video games for hours. So I thought that since I could sit and pay attention to something that I didn't have what she had. I don't know, maybe it affects people differently. Maybe I'm just a bad writer Haha.

I do have trouble following up on stuff I say I'm gonna do, I often forget about it, or I end up procrastinating. Im a chronic procrastinator. I have a hard time noticing things that are often right in front on me(like an affair). I have trouble with chores, before I met her my apartment was a total mess. I mostly attributed those things to the fact that I never had any real structure growing up, never really had to do chores or was never made to, that and my chronic depression.

I don't know, I always thought I was a lazy POS. I still feel guilty about this, as I think that it contributed to most of the problems in my marriage. Either way, I'll bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see them next month.

I thought the same as you but it's really much more complicated that being distracted easily. Being able to laser focus on something for hours is also a sign. The neurotransmitters in the brain function a little different in people with ADHD and it often results in them not being in control of their schedules, etc. No matter what time my appointment is, I'm rushing at the last minute to get there on time. Because I either piddle around doing this and doing that or I stop piddling around and get into something so deep, I lose track. I even set a timer but I'm so focused on what I'm doing, I don't pay any attention to it. My house always looks like a cyclone went through because I have unfinished projects everywhere. Often, the vacuum cleaner is sitting in the living room because I saw something that needed to be put away in another room so I go to put it away and find something else to do in that room. 2 hours later, I come back out and the vacuum cleaner is still sitting there and the job only half done - but the part that's different between an ADHD brain and a non-ADHD brain is, the ADHD brain never thought about the vacuum cleaner until it was in their face. People with ADHD often say things they don't mean or aren't even thinking. There are a load of articles and books out there on the subject so I encourage you to spend some time looking into it. It might not be you at all but at least it will get your mind off the infidelity for awhile.

Sidetrack about pets: In my story, my XWH cheated back in 1982, when we'd been married for 10 years. I had the van packed and was prepared to take the kids, the dog and the cat back to my hometown 1127 miles away. WH was Mr. Sad and asked me if he could keep the cat. He said he knew I would never let him keep the dog since she was mine when we got married and was my sidekick all day everyday but that maybe he could keep the cat. But I told him I couldn't let him have the cat because our toddler son walked around carrying the cat pretty much all day everyday. WH was so, so sad. Just sitting there, Mr. Sad Face. And for some reason, and I never knew why, I turned to him and said "Well, what would you say if I stayed and fought for what's mine?" I had no idea I was thinking that nor did I have any idea I was going to say it. But we stayed together for another 34 years. I blame my heartache at age 67, after 44 yrs. married, on the cat cuz I should have given him the cat and gotten the heck out of Dodge. And now I realize my ADHD played a role as well because I never intended to say those words but once I did, he grabbed onto it for dear life and we ended up "reconciling." Life can be interesting, eh?

[This message edited by josiep at 3:55 PM, Saturday, January 14th]

I agree with CT. You'll experience lots of feelings, mostly very painful. The quickest way through them is to let them i and let them flow through and out of your body. Lost of feelings come with being betrayed, so it takes longer than you want it to. That's why I wrote 'quickest' - even though it's not 'quick'.

*****

I was in IT, and I spent some time in the DC area servicing federal IT contractors. The companies often lost contracts and dumped the people who serviced the lost contract. The new contractor usually needed to hire people - and they often hired the folks who had been let go by the old contractor.

My advice is to look at the new contractor. You're likely (not guaranteed) to look very good to them, because you know the 'company' that needs the work done.