SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lurking, I think the withdrawal comparison is pretty accurate, I was, well still am addicted to her. I'm trying to kick the habit though. My FiL(soon to be ex unfortunately) said to take this one min at a time if I have to. It's difficult to be in the present but I am trying.

Haha "crippling divorce depression starvation" that's pretty good. Yup, I can barely eat and I've lost so much weight, people keep commenting on it. I don't have a gym membership but I am working out, my brother has a bench press and some free weights and I've been hitting that pretty regularly. I'm also looking into some BJJ or kickboxing of some sort to get some of the aggression that I have out, it's just kind of expensive and I'm looking to save to maybe buy a house in the near future(if this housing market ever comes around that is)

Oh and I'm getting a bed on Monday so I'm looking forward to that.

All in all it's been a pretty hard week. One of my dogs which actually belongs to WW might have cancer so ive had to talk to her about that, which wrecked me. I wish I could be there for him. However, all our finances are separated and the divorce is in progress. As much as it hurts I'm trying to move forward.

One suggestion is to buy a Heavy Punching Bag and pound the hell out of it. That will help relieve the aggression and help get you some upper body strength. It also seems like it would be cheaper than paying for training in martial arts if that is an expense you can't handle now.

60+ years ago I studied and trained in Uechi-Ryu Karate while I was stationed in Okinawa. Martial arts here in the U.S. wasn't very popular then as they are now. If I was a young man now, like you, and I wanted to learn a martial art from the ground up, it would probably be Muay Thai kickboxing. That seems to be a very good martial art for many reasons.

My second choice would be BJJ. That seems to be a very good way to learn ground grappling, and also expend a lot of energy and aggressive feelings.

Just keep doing what you are doing and you will eventually get to where you need to be. Your father-in-law is right. Divide your time up into small "chunks" and get through one "chunk" at a time.

One other suggestion I have read about and attempted to practice from time to time is to "Act As If". Pretend or act like you already possess the qualities you desire. If you want to be cheerful and happy, then act that way even if it is the hardest thing you have to do. In other words "Fake It Until You Make It". It sounds over-simplified, but it sometimes helps. It is sort of like chicken soup... it can't hurt.

We are all pulling for you.

A punching bag would be great. I used to box when I was younger so that would be right up my alley.

I could technically afford to take some martial art classes I just want to focus on saving. But I also know that it would be very beneficial to my mental health so I'm still debating it.

Other people have told me to fake it until I make it. Been trying that with little success.
One of my coworkers actually gathered that I was getting divorce just by the look on my face, which actually gave me a pretty good chuckle. I guess I have resting divorce face.

BJJ would be good.
I have a 3rd Dan in karate, but did Judo as a kid and dabbled in BJJ in my late 30’s.
BJJ has a pedagogy which is the reverse of Japanese martial arts in some ways.
Japan has a kata or correct way for everything and you learn it from the base up.
In BJJ you ‘roll’ in your first lesson, when you know nothing. The teacher lets you fail and suffer, then gives you a tip at the correct moment which helps get some 90kg guy off you chest, and that lesson really sinks in. I found that challenging, even with a background in judo for 4 years as a child.
If money is an issue, karate might be cheaper. Some are more like social clubs and just cover rent, and are sometimes just as good. Same with Judo.

hahaa , my brother (18 months older than me) is a brazilian jiu jitsu black belt.. he’s a coach at a gym in town… and i will be an eternal white belt 😂 but bjj people are the best emotional support you could ever find anywhere 😂 i can’t tell you how many times i silently cried in the shoulder of somebody’s gi..🙄

i hated when ppl mentioned me losing weight.. i felt like i was getting called out.. your life is gonna get better than this. just grit ur teeth and keep up the grind bro 😬

I see others noticed the same thing I did, so please do talk to a health professional about testing for ADHD. You are not lazy; in fact, there's nothing wrong with you.

And as a teacher of young children, your WW should understand that better than most.

ADHD is both a blessing and a curse. Getting diagnosed will lead to you finding the strategies to make it work for you instead of against you.

And then you'll leave that cheater so far behind, her head will spin. You can't soar like an eagle if you're stuck with a turkey. :)

josiep, so my ww has ADHD and is bipolar as well. She also has family history with BPD, I don't know if she has that but I've been wondering lately. Anyway, she can't sit still for very long, could never watch a movie or show without her getting up to do something. She would get distracted very easily. She took meds for it but I could still see the ADHD at work.

Meanwhile, I can sit and watch TV or play video games for hours. So I thought that since I could sit and pay attention to something that I didn't have what she had. I don't know, maybe it affects people differently. Maybe I'm just a bad writer Haha.

I do have trouble following up on stuff I say I'm gonna do, I often forget about it, or I end up procrastinating. Im a chronic procrastinator. I have a hard time noticing things that are often right in front on me(like an affair). I have trouble with chores, before I met her my apartment was a total mess. I mostly attributed those things to the fact that I never had any real structure growing up, never really had to do chores or was never made to, that and my chronic depression.

I don't know, I always thought I was a lazy POS. I still feel guilty about this, as I think that it contributed to most of the problems in my marriage. Either way, I'll bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see them next month.

Broken,

You are doing better than you might think you are. Your FIL is correct. It’s one minute at a time. That turns into one day at a time. Eventually it will be one week at a time and so on. A friend once told me that "the sun will come up tomorrow". I’ve held onto that phrase for years. Eat, drink, a little exercise and you too will be back to a semi-normal sleep pattern eventually. Not sure anyone has reminded you of how strong you are lately but you are. Hang in there. Keep posting, reading and researching. You will get to the other side!

GetnOvrIt,

Thank you. I'm lucky to have a lot of support. Not only from friends and family but from all of you.

Honestly I don't feel strong right now. I keep flip flopping in my mind between being done with her and desperately wanting her to come out of her fog and come back. But I'm continuing with NC, unless it's about the divorce or the pets.

I'm gonna have to talk to her on Wednesday when our 13 year old dog goes in for surgery. I'm pretty nervous about this, I'm worried about my dog and about having to talk to her. I'm resentful about that fact that I can't be there for him. I miss them all so much.

But hey, I got a bed now so that's a plus.

As a fellow holder of a.d.d. super powers I’ll suggest trying an omega-3 supplement. Spend extra for the good stuff that doesn’t leave you burping cod liver oil oil all day, and double the recommended dose. An experienced doctor will suggest it anyway. The most common prescription is amphetamines. The latest and best one is vyance. One pill per day, no side effects that I can tell, and much easier getting through customs.
My A.D.D. presents the same way as yours. So don’t let anyone suggest otherwise. "He’s lazy, disorganized and easily distracted". I’ll bet all your report cards from school say that "He’s working below his potential". And "He could do so much better if he just applied himself".
Hey look, a squirrel!

Best of luck.

Meanwhile, I can sit and watch TV or play video games for hours.

AD(H)Ders can do what docs call 'hyperfocus' - you focus on something so much that it's extremely difficult to break away.

I'm ADD, easily distractible. Give me something that catches my interest, though, and I just don' get distracted - and the object of my hyperfocus changes from day to day.

Hallowell's Driven to Distraction is a good introduction. You can probably find a self-diagnosis questionnaire on the web - but they're just indicators. Find a good shrink for a good diagnosis.

congrats on the bed mech, a small win is still a win. it’s okay to feel weak, you’re in a place where normal people are supposed to feel weak. it’s a growing place. don’t fixate on feeling weak, focus on getting stronger. this is where it happens. i’m sorry about your pets tho. but keep your space bro, you need time.

I remember my first bed, post separation. I got it for $40. It was an antique double made of steel, the kind my grandparents had. I had to locate a traditional steel boxspring for it and a high quality mattress. I cannot tell you how good it felt to sleep on a bed that was new and all mine. It was a significant step in my healing.

I dont know if this was already asked, but are you planning to report her to HR? I guees not.

I can't say this enough, thank you all for all the support.

Not having to wake up every couple hours to inflate that stupid air matress is so nice.

So my dog went in for surgery this morning and all seems well so far so I'm happy about that.
My STBX contacted me last night, about how nervous she was and all that. My first instinct was to comfort her, but I'm proud to say that I grey rocked her. It hurt to do and I cried pretty hard but I didn't show any emotion in the messages.

I posted my story on reddit as well, pretty much everybody wants me to contact her HR. But I don't intend to do that, even after the divorce is final.
I'm not seeking revenge. I just want to move on with my life. I don't want any more hate or drama in my life.

if she is up to going out with 21 year olds, there is nothing you can do.

I know you don't want revenge but the school needs to know what they are dealing with in her.

However, it's your job to protect yourself first.

If she loses her job, it could hurt you financially in divorce but informing the school board of what happened after the divorce bother protects you and allows them to maintain accountability.

As you said, she didn't care about blowing up your marriage and your life. Perhaps stop having so much compassion for her. She doesn't deserve it.

You deserve the best but now you have this young punk wanting to hurt you and she is now having her second affair.

Get an attorney, file. Have a strong separation agreement. Force her out of the house. Either by separation agreement or threaten to expose her to the heavens if she doesn't leave. Look for full use and possession of the house until divorce. Lean on friends, do the biggest 180 known to mankind and never look back, look forward. You are young enough. This guy is 21, he has no fear or consequences and he will move on to other woman and she will pine for you back. Don't let that happen.

Find a true lifetime partner who will respect you and not put you in danger or emasculate you.

Keep in mind, she is not your friend or care about you at this point. The second that guy threatened you and she did nothing, it was her 'John Hancock' on the signature line

Good luck man.

again, the people on reddit are right regarding reporting her but not until you divorce. You don't need alimony payments.

I trually feel badly for you that you are going through this. Better days ahead but finish it and worry only about the consequences to you.

BTW, get ahead of the game and expose her after filing. If she still lives with you, use the exposue as leaverage to get her out of the house. It is a toxic situation and she needs to leave

good play on the cold shoulder bro. keep that shit up. kudos on the good sleep too. just a little something to keep in mind.. i know y’all have a shared interest in the pets, but be wary about her using the pets as a catalyst to reach out just to create a dialogue, when it may not be necessary. up until recently, she’s still had you as an open option. (to walk on, run back to or just to make her feel big because she’s been on top). don’t let her have that. you’ll probably see a different attitude from her when she knows you’ve turned your back on her. i got a pretty good feeling her puppy boyfriend situation is very volatile and will probably be a pretty short lived relationship anyways, but she still wants to keep you close enough to have a lifeline when shit don’t pan out. but you’re doing good tho, just keep your chin up and keep moving

Western,

The house belongs to her father, so I can't kick her out. I'm living with my brother at the moment. I will save up and get a new place, hopefully in the next few months.

Alimony is a non issue since in my state you have to be married for 10 years to qualify. Even if she got fired she wouldn't be getting alimony.

I don't know, man. I know reporting her might be the right thing but it feels wrong to do, at least for me. I kinda want to take the high road on this. Some people at her work already know, so it's only a matter of time before it gets out. I just don't want to be the one to pull the trigger.

And she works at a hippie charter school so I'm not sure if she would get fired. They're hurting for teachers pretty bad so I honestly doubt they would fire her.

It's not the compassion, even though I do still feel that, I can't help but feel it. It's that I don't really want any more drama. I just want to move on from this.

Plus if she loses her job then she wouldn't be able to help my FiL with stuff. And I really don't want to hurt his financial situation, he's a great dude and as an infidelity survivor himself he has been helping me a lot with this whole process. He's kinda the middle man in this whole thing.

[This message edited by BrokenMechanic at 9:02 AM, Thursday, January 12th]