SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Geeez, a mechanic working graveyards? You’re not lazy, you’re F….ing wiped out!

Strike that divorce iron while it’s hot, while she’s wallowing in affair fog and focused primarily on a quick getaway with "The Graduate" who’s probably still living with mom.

Then, hit the gym, hit a sports bar, catch up on a drama series and do the chores whenever, the, hell, you feel like it and, reflect on how lucky you are you didn’t have kids with her and, oh, does she make more than you?

sorry you’re here broken. let’s get something out of the way first. her cheating because you’re not a good housekeeper is total bullshit. that is textbook projection. she doesn’t want to own her misdeeds, so she’s twisting the blame on you. she didn’t cheat because you didn’t wash the dishes, she cheated because she’s a cheater. don’t take ownership for her cheating. i know it can be hard, but don’t beg her. when someone habitually cheats, it’s not a mistake. it’s a choice.. she chose that. you have time to make your life what you want it to be, you don’t have to settle for this. her being your best friend is an illusion. best friends don’t consistently betray each other. i’m five years from d-day in a very similar situation, and i chose to walk. it’s worked out better for me. my life isn’t what i envisioned it to be 5 or 6 years ago, but there’s peace and happiness on this side of the fence. weigh out your options and choose wisely. and again, i’m sorry you found yourself here.

Broken

Focus on YOU.
Sounds like you have been getting some hits over the year – her affair, the graveyard-shift, the layoff and now her last affair and decision to divorce. Maybe – just maybe friend – she’s been the anchor dragging you down rather than the anchor keeping you safe.
Focus on your positives – the military tends to weed out the ones with serious issues early on, like in selection and boot-camp. Fact you got in indicates you do have something positive. Focus on that and nurture whatever that is. Maybe Sisson is onto something – a good IC can help you with that.
What are your options for medical help via the VA? Being punched again and again… there is no shame or disgrace in reaching for a helping hand to get back to your feet.

Look – Reality is what reality is. Her actions aren’t "normal". Ending a relationship can be normal, there can be all sorts of good valid reasons for why a relationship doesn’t work. Having affairs and hooking up with someone that much younger… no… that’s not normal. That’s not sane. But… other than the impact it has on you it’s not your problem. Definitely IMPACTS you, but you are not the cause. Remove the cause – remove yourself from that fist that regularly punches you – and you can start healing.

The love you feel for her? Well… I venture that the vast majority of us here loved our significant other, yet this site has over 70 thousand members – all who have loved yet were betrayed or betrayed themselves. Love for someone else isn’t enough… what’s needed is love for yourself. If she were to admit she did wrong and take accountability of her actions the combination of love to her and love for yourself could enable you to reconcile. Seeing as how she isn’t offering that then focus on self-love.

The last years have been hard on you. See this as an opportunity. An opportunity to better yourself and your life.

If your wife is having an affair with her teaching assistant, then she just set a ticking time bomb on her career. Even if she wasn’t married, she is probably still committing a policy/ethics violation by sleeping with someone who is her subordinate and works in her classroom.

For this reason, I think you should file for divorce before this relationship blows up and she’s potentially fired or put on leave; you don’t want to end up having to support her financially because she slept with another guy.

Also, if she’s tenured, the chances of her being willing to give up her job are basically nil and she would face the same risk of getting canned or disciplined if she tried to have her assistant reassigned.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but your wife— on both an emotional and practical level— has left you no option but to leave.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:40 PM, Monday, January 2nd]

P.S.

She agrees to break up with him, I listen in the call, I talk to him and he threatens to kick my ass if he ever sees me

If this punk ever threatens you again, or follows through on this threat, report him to the police and be sure to send a copy of the report to the school administration. Committing and/or threatening violence against the husband of a teacher will certainly do wonders for his budding career.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist in Feb. I will bring up ADHD, thank you for bringing it to my attention.

I did forget to mention a significant detail. My FiL has been living with us for the past year. He owns the house we have been living in for the past 9 years but lived out of state until recently. He's a great guy, he was also repeatedly cheated on by WW mother, they've been divorced for 17 years. He's the one that recommended me this forum and has been very supportive. My wife had always resented her mother for what she did, which is why I never thought she would do it to me, twice no less. She saw how it affected her father. My FiL says that he can't believe the hypocrisy.

I thank everyone for the advice. I wish I could say I followed it to a t. However, I had a very hard day yesterday. I was very emotional, against my better judgement I contacted her.

Basically I asked her what she was looking for in that relationship, why she was risking her job for some kid.
She said she doesn't know what she wants. She said that she feels trapped at work with him and doesn't know how to break it up. Apparently she asked him for space but hasn't broken it up completely. Thd kid got kicked out of his house. She helped him find a place to stay, he is not even allowed to step foot in my FiL house so i know they're not living together. She says that she has to ease him out of the relationship because he has no one, he's unstable and can't just abandon him. Which I think it's bullshit, she hasn't even know him a year, she didn't swear vows to him.

I know she's fence sitting, I'm not waiting around. I'm am filing for divorce here soon.
I'm not looking to out her at her job, I'm not gonna call HR and get her fired. She makes significantly less than I do, unfortunately teachers don't make much and her AP makes even less. I know she's hurt me pretty bad but I don't want to sink down to that level.

This is hard guys. I'm trying to stay strong. I go back to work tomorrow and I don't know how I'm gonna concentrate. This whole thing is all consuming.

Yes this is hard. Yes it really stinks.

But we’ve all been through it and we survived it. And you will too.

I don’t know what your wife’s choices will be. IMO the cheater becomes someone you don’t even know. Or recognize.

Some snap out of it. Some don’t. The only thing you can do is what is BEST for you. Period.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:33 PM, Monday, January 2nd]

You have suffered a real trauma. This is really hard. That’s why it’s important to focus on your health and your healing. Do not try to figure out the motivations of your WW. Despite knowing what her Mother did to her Father, she is a serial cheater in her own M. She appears to have a drinking problem and she has started an A with a very young subordinate which is probably a violation of school rules sufficient to have her discharged. All of this is very self destructive behavior. It has nothing to do with you. She is broken. You cannot fix her. You cannot control her. She has to want to change on her own. Her self destructive behavior will continue until she goes to IC to figure out how she became so broken. I would advise no contact and to move forward with the D. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:21 PM, January 2nd (Monday)]

So I've started the divorce process eventhough it still feels wrong. God this hurts. My father was murdered right outside my home when I was 8 and this hurts more than that. I barely survived that I don't know if I can survive this. All you guys are so strong, and I feel so weak. I feel like if she reached out now and wanted to R I would jump on it without even thinking because I'm broken too. I have a support system, I have family and friends that love me. Why do I still feel so alone? I feel like I'm starting to annoy them with my sadness and depression. Every one including my friends, family and all the people here tell me this is not my fault but the fact that she left me for a kid. It makes me feel worthless. Someone said that the only person that might love me less than her is me, they're right.

I'm so sorry about your mom. That's so traumatic and I can't imagine....

Infidelity is the worst pain I've ever been through. I've lost my parents through cancer, almost lost two of my boys. Infidelity has been worst.

Infidelity also erodes your self-esteem. How could it not? But you know what? She has a character problem. She had other options, like divorcing you first. She didn't - she chose to have an A.

Your friends may not have gone through infidelity, so they don't understand what you're feeling. We do because we've been through it. It took me about 3 years to realize that I was going to be ok. (Did 18 months of false R, then went for D after XWH sexually assaulted somebody. You can check my bio.)

You may need to see a doctor to get meds to get you through this. I was on depression meds and anti-anxiety meds for a couple of years, but have been off for a few years now. I still have some issues with hyper-alertness but I'm working on that.

Give yourself grace and go through the suckfest that is the initial phase of infidelity.

hey broken, you absolutely can survive this. just keep in mind, all of the pain is part of the process. everyone goes through that part. you’re not alone. it’s not about you being weak and us being strong either, we’re just in a more manageable part of the process because we weathered the storm for long enough to see some sunshine. i can’t say what’s best for everybody, but entertain the idea of accepting your life being different than it was. betrayal hurts and change is scary, but change just becomes your new normal and sometimes it can be a good thing in the long run. prepare for it to hurt for a while and try to understand that the healing part will come. it’s not gonna feel this way forever, you just gotta keep grinding and let time do it’s job. hang in there buddy

You are not weaker than any of us; you’ve just taken a lot of blows, and this is a terribly hard thing to go through.

She’s a head in the clouds self absorbed idiot. I’m a teacher, and I’ve had younger male assistants. Never in a million years would I get involved with them, even if I had no morals and they were hot as the day is long. It is beyond foolish to get in a relationship like this, and you’re better off not being with someone this unstable. This will wreck her work situation and destroy any and all respect anyone has for her. That’s best case scenario; it could also lose her her job and wreck her career.

This is going to be really hard for a while, but you’ll be ok. You actually seem like a really strong person under all the pain and trauma you’re experiencing. Get the help you need and take care of yourself. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

[This message edited by Grieving at 4:44 AM, Thursday, January 5th]

My Dad died in agony of stomach cancer, my wife’s affair hurt worse than that.

My Mom was run over by a truck and killed while jogging a year after D-Day, my wife’s affair still hurt worse than that.

My career has exposed me to horrors, that weren’t nearly as traumatic as my wife’s betrayal.

The only thing that has hurt me more than my wife’s affair is, watching my now adult kids struggle with the aftermath of her affair.

And yet I can attest, that there is indeed light at the other side of this dark tunnel you’re currently in. Bright light. I enjoy life now, on the other side, more than I ever have knowing how precious, fleeting, fragile-yet malleable, it truly is.

PS: Regarding reporting her to HR. No. By all means keep her well employed until the ink is dry on the D papers.

Thank you all again for your advice. I've been coming back to this thread to read all your responses daily to remind myself to be strong. I'm not gonna lie some the things that were said about her hurt to read, but I know they're probably true. I guess I was still holding on to the image I have of her, as flawed as she is and as much as she's hurt me I still see someone I love. She doesn't love me though, I know that now.

For some reason, mornings are the worst for me. It probably doesn't help that I'm "sleeping" on shitty air matress that wont stay inflated. I did have an anxiety attack this afternoon before work. I almost called off but I forced myself to get up and go and In between the all the pain, today I had a couple hours of clarity, I actually felt like I was gonna be okay for the first time since this whole ordeal. I have a coworker who's gone through this before and he's been taking me under his wing, took me out to lunch and we talked and I actually felt better. I know it's like a roller coaster and I'm gonna feel the pain and anxiety in full force again but I'll come back and read the thread again to give me some perspective.

Thank you all again. Reading your stories and advice has helped more than I could've imagined.

yeah buddy, the anxiety is realer than real. don’t feel like you’re the only one tho, you’re handling it the way normal people do. i had anxiety that was so intense that i could feel my eyeballs trembling in my skull, so don’t worry.. you’re a normal person 😁 it’s good that you had some relief today tho, and a little glimpse of hope. you’ll have bad days and better ones, but the longer you let things process the more often you’ll have better days, and the less often you’ll have shitty ones. hell, before you know it you’ll wake up and realize it’s been a couple days since you thought about it. just take care of yourself. try to make your decisions with rational thought and not your feelings. just keep plugging along and shit will get better than this.

Yup reborn, I hear you about that anxiety, I'm taking meds for that and for depression and they dont seem to be putting a dent in it. Unfortunately today was one of those bad days. Spent my lunch break crying in my car.

Man, this is draining me. I am exhausted but can't sleep. I bet she's sleeping great though, damn this is unfair. Nothing has changed for her, she's still living in that house, she has the pets and she gets to work with her AP. Oh and apparently some of her coworkers know about the A. I bet she wont even face any consequences for her actions. She replaced me with a new shiny toy and threw me in the trash. I'm angry and sad.

This might sound cynical but what you are feeling is actually withdrawal. You invested a lot in that relation. Addicted to it. It released lot of fun chemicals. Now you are forced to end it immediately. Your brain mechanism doesn't tolerate such sudden end to the release of such fun chemicals. So naturally it is forcing you to go back to your old habits i.e go back to her or her memories etc. This is perfectly normal human brain functioning. Remember all your present thoughts, feelings etc are result of that brain response. That will last as long as your brain takes time to adjust to your new habits and reality. When brain adapts to new normal all these pain chemicals will cease secreting. And you will feel like you are 'over it'. This is exactly what's going to happen. Since memories cannot be erased, once in a while these bad memories will nudge your brain to release painful chemicals. But it will be once in a will. Brains are programmed to overcome any tragedies. We just need to give it a time. Believe in it and doesnt do anything stupid or make decisions that will obstruct the healing process. So believe in almighty God and his designed brain of yours. You will overcome it.

yea mech, all of the feelings are normal this early in. it’s gut wrenching and exhausting, i get u buddy. this baby AP shit is probably gonna go up like a mushroom cloud shortly, just stay tuned. if her coworkers are aware of this, they’re lookin down their nose at her at least because in the eyes of most normal people.. what she is doing is disgraceful. really look deep into yourself, and stop questioning how u made this happen. question how you allowed yourself to think so highly of someone so wretched. don’t be available for her to walk on, and don’t be her life line when her baby AP ship starts to sink. go ahead and get on your lifeboat and head for the shore. seriously, go NC on this chick and start healing yourself. it’s ok to struggle, everyone does. just try to start moving forward. don’t sit around and wait.

let’s also get on a lighter note for a minute... crippling divorce depression starvation +gym membership and or push ups+sit ups+ chair dips+ pull-ups= the best abs you’ve ever seen on yourself. it’s a magic part of the first stage of divorce. you’ll look like a brand new action figure, straight outta the box… it made me wanna get married and divorced again. you can’t buy that kind of motivation on a shelf.
DISCLAIMER: try to eat well

And for all that's holy, go buy yourself a GOOD bed! You can't rest on a deflated air mattress.