SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I have a bit of an update regarding my situation.

As I've mentioned before, my WW lived with her father. I'm still In contact with him basically everyday.

I was talking to him yesterday and he mentioned that he's kicking her out. Apparently her behavior has gotten worse. She's brought AP over to the house and they got completely obliterated, he was throwing up in one of the bedrooms, she was passed out drunk on the living room floor. One of the stipulations was that she was to stop drinking. But she ignored that. Now she's getting kicked out and my FiL said that if he sees AP on he's property he's calling the cops.

I know it's not my problem anymore but I can't help but worry about her. I know she needs to face consequences but I don't take any pleasure in this. I thought that watching her face some sort of punishment might feel good but I was wrong.

Now I'm worried. Don't you guys worry I'm not taking her back. It's just that this little POS AP is completely fucking up her life. It hurts to know that the person I loved is going downhill and destroying everything for some little AH who is most likely using her.
I'm still in NC with her but I did contact the rest of her family and let them know the situation in hopes that they can help. Apparently she hadn't told them anything other than we were getting divorced.

Did you guys still worry about your WS even after separation?
I know I can't help her, it's not my place anymore. I just hope she's okay.

i did worry , and it’s normal to feel that this early in. it’s not your job to fix it. and little fun boy AP isn’t fucking her life up… she is clearly fucking her life up, he’s just playing a part in the show. just keep that in mind and place the blame where it goes. although he’s a piece of shit, it’s not his obligation to be loyal to your marriage, it’s hers.

i know it’s hard to watch a train wreck without wanting to step in… but you need to allow her enough space to fall flat on her ass. she needs to feel the consequences of her actions

Yup, Reborn, my FiL basically told me the same thing you're telling me.

Guess I'll just watch the train wreck from afar and hope she comes out of this and gets her life together. Not for me because I'll be gone but for her.

that’s it buddy. i had in-law family connections too. you gotta look out for yourself tho. you can’t keep cheating yourself to protect someone that’s cheating you.

Yeah I know. Just hard to turn those feeling off you know?
But I'm trying. I'm gonna keep looking out for myself.

it’s hard mech, that ain’t no lie.. it’s a struggle. just try to keep your perspective in the right place and focus on what’s in front of you.. that’s why wind shields are so big and rear view mirrors at so small

is your wife an alcoholic if I may ask?

She's always had a major problem with alcohol. I do think she's an alcoholic, but not enough of an alcoholic that she would get DT's if she quit, at least not yet.

I suggest that if you speak with your FIL in the future, that you avoid talking about your wife and ask him not give you any updates about her. One of the main purposes of "no contact" is to detach yourself emotionally from her so you can move on with your life, which isn't possible if you're still fishing for and being fed information about her from other people.

It's just that this little POS AP is completely fucking up her life. It hurts to know that the person I loved is going downhill and destroying everything for some little AH who is most likely using her.

I think the AP has more power and influence over your wife in your own mind than he does in real life. Based on what you've described, their relationship sounds mutually toxic and destructive. In fact, considering that she is older than AP and his supervisor at work, one could easily argue that abused her position by embarking on a sexual relationship with a younger, emotionally immature subordinate.

If and when your WW hits rock bottom, I doubt she will be left hanging out to dry. She has her father and the rest of her family to turn to for help and support.

Not getting DT is a low bar when it comes to alcoholism.

Symptoms impact about half of all people withdrawing from alcohol, of that half less than 5% have DT/Seizures.

Don’t take the fact withdrawal won’t literally risk her life to be evidence she isn’t an alcoholic. It’s a (relatively) rare symptom of giving up alcohol.

I suggest that if you speak with your FIL in the future, that you avoid talking about your wife and ask him not give you any updates about her. One of the main purposes of "no contact" is to detach yourself emotionally from her so you can move on with your life, which isn't possible if you're still fishing for and being fed information about her from other people.

You are 100% correct. I thought about this last night. I need to stop asking. I need to completely let her go and let her face whatever consequences this brings by herself.

I think the AP has more power and influence over your wife in your own mind than he does in real life. Based on what you've described, their relationship sounds mutually toxic and destructive. In fact, considering that she is older than AP and his supervisor at work, one could easily argue that abused her position by embarking on a sexual relationship with a younger, emotionally immature subordinate.

Blue, again you are correct. I still have this image of her that won't let me see her for what she is. But she's a big girl and even though she's she's making dumb choices she's definitely not stupid. She knows that what she's doing is wrong on multiple levels, yet she's continuing down this self destructive path.

That being said, I'm still finding it very difficult to erase that image I have. The good memories, all that we went through together. I know she's not the person I thought she was. My brain knows that but my heart has yet to catch up.

Morning brother, sounds like your STBX is a functioning Alcoholic, gets very drunk yet can function the next day. You may benefit from a support group for spouses of alcoholics.
Like all with an addiction STBX will need to hit rock bottom before she helps herself.
FIL kicking her out is a start, you being a grey rock is a big step as well. No engaging other than the D stuff and you take the pets. She can’t take care of them as well as look after herself her AP.
All have to take responsibility for their actions your STBX is no different.
One day at a time.

Like all with an addiction STBX will need to hit rock bottom before she helps herself.

FIL kicking her out is a start, you being a grey rock is a big step as well. No engaging other than the D stuff

Yes, I believe she's a functional alcoholic. And unfortunately will probably have to hit rock bottom to wake up.

As far as grey rocking I messed up today. She messaged me about the divorce just for some details. I was having a bad morning and let out some anger. Told her some things that have been on my mind. I told her.

I was thinking of something else. You said this wasn't a "long con" but I've been thinking. The only reason you didn't leave me for first AP Is because HE didn't want to. I am almost positive that if he wanted to you would've left me. I was always your second choice. You were just waiting to find someone else because you can't stand to be alone.

I know it wasn't the right thing and I should've just sent her the cold details but my emotions took over.

Damn, I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back.

[This message edited by BrokenMechanic at 11:37 PM, Monday, January 16th]

Sometimes venting to the cheater is just sooooo worth it.

Sometimes venting to the cheater is just sooooo worth it.

It didn't feel worth it though. She replied by saying that she didn't plan this, that she was a bad partner, that she was weak and pathetic for not letting me know her feelings earlier. That she did love me and the way I was but that I deserve better.

I just busted up crying. It hurts so so so much. How could she have loved me and done this? How could she have obliterated me like this?

I feel like I'm back in square one. This is getting to be too much to bare.

Hey Broken, you do have a gift, you know, which is to be able to experience and talk about your feelings and the pain of all this. Those traits will make you a good partner and friend to other people in your life going forward, so take pride in them.

There is a book I often recommend when a BS is assessing whether a WS can change: "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It is short and eye-opening and in my view is also helpful to a BS even if the marriage cannot be maintained. Once you can clearly see what a spouse worth taking a chance on should be doing to help you, and understand that those things will not be happening with your WW, you will have a different perspective and will begin to regain your own self-respect. Give the book a shot. I hope it helps you.

Best,
Odonna

Do you have a lawyer? If so, any communication about your divorce should go through your lawyer.

If you don't have a lawyer and you're working on the logistics on your own, tell your wife to stop texting messaging you and to send you any questions she has about the divorce through email only.

There are 2 reasons for this advice:

(1) You should be keeping a record of any conversations or negotiations pertaining to the divorce, and keeping a paper trail over email is the best way to do it.
(2) It's much easier to send an impulsive emotional response over text message than it is over email, especially for someone like yourself who doesn't work a desk job.

No contact = no new hurts. In fact, you should change her name to that phrase in your phone so that it pops up every time she contacts you or you feel tempted to contact her.

There is a book I often recommend when a BS is assessing whether a WS can change: "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.

Thank you Odonna. I will take a look and give it a shot.

If you don't have a lawyer and you're working on the logistics on your own, tell your wife to stop texting messaging you and to send you any questions she has about the divorce through email only.

Yeah neither of us have lawyers.
I just told her today only contact me through email.

I did change her name to just M on my phone for "Monster" but changing it to No Contact might be more helpful. Thank you again, Blue.

Change her name on your phone to "Don’t Do It!!".

It is totally normal to worry about her, especially as she is displaying such self destructive behaviour. It would be strange if you didn’t have some compassion for her.

I’m still married to my WW, so different take on being worried for her health. My WW downed 600mg of morphine, I saw her down the pills. I intervened and forced her to throw them up. I was so sad, angry, hurt, scared, all at the same time. I am still on guard for signs in my WW as she had serious thoughts of suicide prior to taking action about a week after dday.

I’m really sorry you are going through this.