SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone
i am looking for some support/guidance.
I found out 8 weeks ago today that my husband has been cheating on me for 3 years with escorts. I exposed him by sensing something was wrong after constant money withdrawals and I checked his phone bill and googled numbers. He took around 5 days to admit to me after telling me every single lie under the sun his phone has been hacked etc etc, he then admitted to the bare minimum until fully confirming my worst fears, he’s had full sex with them he’s seen up to 50 women and his reasons are now he’s claiming to have a sex addiction brought on by stress of losing his aunt and his sisters breast cancer diagnosis he said instead of speaking about his stress he pressed the self destruct button, this makes absolutely no sense to me at all as to why on earth anyone would do that? I’m so confused, obvs now he is all sorry pleading forgiveness and insisting that he will change but he won’t accept that I just cannot accept that and why should I? Not only that he’s treated me like a doormat no respect despite what he’s been doing he’s been lazy round the house snappy at me even accused me of being emotionally distant. When I say I can’t move forward he threatens to take his own life, I have honestly never felt so lost and on edge in my life, we have 3 kids together so you can imagine how bad I feel but I don’t know where to go or how to navigate with the way he is acting, I don’t want him to do anything stupid and ruin all our lives but I feel so stuck, he’s been staying at home and sleeping on the sofa as he has nowhere to go, I asked for space and he has now gone to his parents but comes back every day and tries to talk, I am drained, please help me :(

I only have a minute but wanted to let you know you’ve been heard.

Please read lots of posts here in the Just Found Out forum and look especially for bullseyed posts. And read in the Healing Library. Lots of good stuff there.

And before you do anything else, get a full STD/STI panel from your doctor. Don’t have sex with him without protection until he does the same and shows you the results.

Others will be by with advice— hang in there. You are going to be okay.

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. The pinned posts at the top of the forum have a lot of great information. The Healing Library is another great resource and has a list of the acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for emotionless infidelity that you might find helpful.

The next time he threatens to end his life, call 911. If he's telling the truth, then the mental health professionals can get him the help he needs. He can also be using it as a form of manipulation.

Sexual addiction can be diagnosed by a CSAT. It's possible he's SA, but it's also possible that he's a dickhead and doing it because he wants to.

If you can get in to see a betrayal trauma specialist, especially one who deals with infidelity, it would be helpful for you to deal with the trauma. Believe me, this is trauma.

He also needs IC to dig into his whys. The reasons he gave are just excuses. Why did he think that somebody else's genitals were going to fix his problems? How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a short book that is a primer for the WS (wayward spouse). I suggest you read it, too. It's just over 100 pages.

You can ask him to give you space. If you want him to stay away for a few days so you have some respite, tell him so. If he doesn't do as you ask, that's very disrespectful of you and your needs.

ETA: You may also want to see a divorce lawyer (or several), just to see what things would look like if you D. Knowledge is power and it may help you get your ducks in a row.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:08 PM, Wednesday, July 26th]

Hi Stacey,

Welcome and I am so sorry to hear your story. Dday is traumatic, its like feeling all the bad feelings at once. Right now, it feels like you are drowning and your W(ayward) H(usband) is not making anything better with the way he is reacting to your trauma.

We have so much to tell you, and we will, but you need to focus on the basics right now. You can make the major decisions on your life later.

First, your health. It is so easy to just let this go or not make it a priority, but discovery infidelity will do a number on your body, so you need to give it a fighting chance.

-Drink water, avoid alcohol
-Eat something. I understand that eating may feel like the last thing you want to do right now. If you cannot eat, try to at least drink a protein shake so that you are getting calories and protein in your system.
-Sleep. Definitely easier said than done. I went to my primary care physician and he prescribed me anti-depressants and sleep aids. I no longer take the sleep aids but I am still taking anti-depressants.
-Confide in a trusted friend
-Therapy (mine was covered by my insurance through work)

This will all help you be strong for the part that comes next. You NEED your health for the next part.

I think you should also get some space from your WH. I think he should just stay at your parents indefinitely, at least until you have some clarity about how you want your future to look like. His reactions are centered around protecting HIM and HIS future, rather than the pain and trauma that you are now dealing with. He is using self-harm as manipulation and this makes processing his actions near impossible because you are focused on him. He sounds like he is trying to frame it as some sickness and he thinks that will make it easier for you to forgive.

He made these choices. He now will need to deal with the fallout. Your knee-jerk reaction maybe to keep the family together no matter what, but you may find with some space and time, that is not what you want at all.

YOU ARE THE PRIZE HERE. YOU ARE A LOYAL PARTNER. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. He should be bending heaven and earth to try and figure out what you need to feel safe, not using cheap manipulation to get you to stay. Its emotional extortion. Tell him to stay at mom and dad's and to not reach out until you want to talk.

How old are your kids?

Thank you all very much for the replies literally everything you have said is extremely relatable I do not believe it’s a sex addiction at all. He is attending SA meetings now but I know he doesn’t want to. Will see how that progresses as if he genuinely believes it is then I need to see commitment and for a very long time. Not that it helps me I am traumatised, my children are 5, 9 and 13. This has some as a total shock to me and I cannot shake the anger I feel, he has a full STI check that came back negative thankfully but that was probably the most traumatic part for me that waiting was horrendous. I feel destroyed and all he goes on about is how sorry he is and how he will now change, it shouldn’t of taken this to change, and if I didn’t expose him I fear I never would of known :(

...he’s had full sex with them he’s seen up to 50 women and his reasons are now he’s claiming to have a sex addiction brought on by stress of losing his aunt and his sisters breast cancer diagnosis...

This has got to be one of the lowest, most nonsensical excuses I've ever heard from a WS. How in the world does grief over an aunt and concern for a sister get twisted into screwing 50 prostitutes? That's quite the concern for the women in his life, huh? He's betrayed the one he promised to love and respect and now he makes his utter LACK of character about his female family members. Does he expect you or his sister to believe that he's a strong proponent of women's issues, or that none of those women are living in the margins?

Let's assume for a second that SA is real. I mean, there's a good case for "addiction" in terms of the payoff that this kind of illicit behavior delivers to the reward center of the brain. As "addictions" go though, there's no DT's, no puking, no physical disability if one doesn't get their "fix". Doesn't it stand to reason then, that it's a mild kind of addiction? No one is sidelined by withdrawal when they have to miss a tryst with their hooker, right?

When I say I can’t move forward he threatens to take his own life...

I'll be honestly with you... that kind of manipulation would push me toward filing immediately for D. This guy has been sneaking around behind your back for three years and now he's going to act like HE is the victim? No. He has victimized you and your children and now, he's going to make such a blubbering spectacle of himself that you're "the bad guy" if you call him on his bullshit. Here's a better idea... next time he threatens suicide, dial 911. If he's serious, he'll get the help he needs, and if he's not, he'll have learned a valuable lesson about trying to manipulate you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person who believes that cheaters can never change. Not at all. I'm in R with a fWH myself. Right now though, your WH sounds like he's utterly self-absorbed. Where is his concern for YOU? You're telling him you need space, but instead he's crowding you. Yeah, he's turned up for SA meetings, but from what you've said, he doesn't want to be there.

You've got kids and a family dynamic to think about, and it's really typical for new BS's to worry that they're going to make mistakes which affect the outcome. Here's the thing though, YOU matter. Your happiness matters. Your boundaries matter. But you're the only one who's in a position to make sure that you get what you need going forward.

...he’s been staying at home and sleeping on the sofa as he has nowhere to go, I asked for space and he has now gone to his parents but comes back every day and tries to talk...

I don't know if you've seen an attorney yet, but knowledge is power. In some states, allowing a WS to stay in the home past a certain amount of time or reestablishing sexual contact can be viewed by the court as condonation, taking adultery as grounds off the table. You've got a lot to think about going forward. Keeping your options open gives you time to think about what YOU want. Seeing an attorney doesn't mean you have to file. It just means that you're informed.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. You've come to a good place here though with lots of people who've been where you are... and are still standing.

((hugs))

Please reread Leafields and Camomile Tea. Both are right on

Three years, 50 plus escorts. I agree with above poster, if he threatens self harm you call 911 and get it on the record. IMO he is bluffing, but you need to document this in case he is serious or bluffing.

I have told him today that I want to separate

Stay, strong, stacey.

I don't blame you, I would have made the decision to leave as well.

Please get yourself into IC, lean on TRUSTED family members and friends, lean on us.

Someone will always be here to support you.

How did he respond when you told him you wanted to separate? I told my STBXH that I only wanted to talk about our kid and finances and he still continues to send me tik toks that he finds funny, random thoughts and questions and asking me if he can take me places. I ignore everything that isn't about our divorce settlement or about our kid. Hold that boundary firm.

I see you note that your spouse got STD testing. You need to go get your own, both pelvic exam, and blood work. Men can carry STI's, and spread them, and test negative, or not get tested for certain ones in an STI exam.

You need to do this for yourself.

Like what exactly? He had a full test and was all negative I have had a recent smear also.

He has had sex w/ high risk individuals.
You need, blood work for hepatitis, and HIV, as many sex workers do that job because they are addicts, and often use IV drugs, w/ that comes risk for these diseases.

Additionally you need to have pelvic w/ HPV, testing for all STI's, and repeat it in 6 months. Sorry it sucks but it is a way to take back some control over your body, since he took that choice away from you.

Even though his test was negative?

Yes.

Honestly cannot cope with this stress :(

We are all sorry to hear your story-I also saw your update to separate. This will give you the necessary space to think thru and determine your options.

Again, consult more than one lawyer. Knowledge is power.

Also, tell your doctor about the prostitutes. They have heard this type of stuff before and will get you all the tests to help ease your mind. Plus of course if you need something to help you sleep for example.

((Hugs))

Thank you so much, I am a mum of 3 so trying my best to be strong. Xx

Hope you are okay Stacey.

I recommended ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ it’s an excellent book (you need to follow the instructions even if you feel silly). It really worked for me.

Also put on music that was from a happy time. Your teenage years for example. Tracks that you dance to and sing to. Dance and sing everyday.

Are you eating and drinking and exercising?