SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If the wife of the OM has already confronted her husband your girlfriend is probably in panic mode. She will know what's coming as no doubt the OM would have told her his wife found out. She will just be hoping that it's something else when really she will be fully prepared for what comes. You are doing the right thing by sorting your anger first but know that anger is a perfectly natural part of the grieving process as is denial and acceptance. You will no doubt swing like a pendulum between them all over the up coming months so a therapist may be useful whilst you go through this. You don't have to say much when you confront. Just throw the folder on the table and sat it's over. Do you own the house jointly? If so get legal advise on splitting assets if you don't already know where you stand

take time for yourself,

You may believe that your partner was aware of the situation, knew that the affair was exposed, and was checking you out.

She waiting for you to bring up the subject,

She must have learned that ow is trying to reach you,

You can assume that contact with om continues.

She will try to control you, you left her alone and she needed attention etc.

She must have prepared her defense, she may have even received advice from some sites,

Is this her first cheating?

Even this is unclear, your decision to leave seems appropriate.

I want to explain why it's important for me to maintain self-control when speaking to my girlfriend. It's not about my actions, as I would never resort to violence against a woman. It's more about my girlfriend's reaction; she tends to shut down and become unresponsive if I raise my voice or display any signs of anger. This reaction isn't a result of something I've done, but rather a consequence of the way her ex-husband treated her over the years. I'm aware of the emotional trauma she has endured because of him, and I'm committed to not causing her any additional pain.

Even though I don't know the complete details of her past, I want to ensure that she never feels like I would use her trauma against her. Therefore, I feel the need to carefully consider how I approach any conversations with her. I plan to confront her either tonight or tomorrow, after my daughter goes to school. I will be going home today to see my daughter while her mother is at work.

This reaction isn't a result of something I've done, but rather a consequence of the way her ex-husband treated her over the years. I'm aware of the emotional trauma she has endured because of him, and I'm committed to not causing her any additional pain.

What I'm going to write is tangential for the time being, but in light of recent developments I'd question the veracity of her claims regarding how the ex-husband treated her. While abuse is not entirely impossible, I'd at least consider the possibility that her account was exaggerated and you have been subtly manipulated for a long, long time.

While it probably won't have any profound impact on the current situation, it's something worth bearing in mind in the future, i.e. when such matters as financial and legal entanglements are being sorted out. You could be one day facing a person you never knew existed.

Sceadugenga

I understand your concern. Based on the past nine months, it's clear she is a liar. However, she told me he used to cheat on her a lot. Maybe this isn't true; I would have no way of knowing. I assure you that the violence of her ex-husband is true. I've seen the scars she bears as a result of her ex-husband. The worst one was during her pregnancy. This incident led to her divorce, involving the police due to domestic violence. Her situation was severe.

I've learned more details from her family, which align with her account. Unless her family is also providing false information, I find it unlikely that she has exaggerated her stories. According to her family, her ex-husband faced jail time for his actions. She had been attending counselling for years but had stopped earlier this year, though she never disclosed the reason for not going.

You are doing well to consider your wife's feelings and possible response behaviors. It is commendable that you are still being sensitive to these things even though you have just found out traumatic betrayal details about your relationship with her. In the end we want to leave people better than we found them. And, if possible, do no harm. Kudos to you.

It is a shame that she was not able to consider how her previous husband cheating on her made her feel when deciding to go ahead with all that is necessary to lie and cheat on you. Sometimes people fall into the trap of speaking out of both sides of their mouth when it comes to being the victim of cheating and claiming how much they hate it and would never do it and judge others who do but then they themselves end up making the choice to cheat. And it is a personal conscientious choice to cheat. In fact it is a thousand personal conscientious choices. Every lie told. Every deception. Every phone call and text message and picture and hook-up.

You seem to have your head wrapped around this. Please try to enjoy the time spent with your daughter today.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 2:32 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Wait your GF’s ex-husband used to cheat on her "a lot" and now she’s cheated on you?

On my freakin’ word that just makes it even worse.

She’s a betrayed spouse who inflicted the same pain onto someone else.

As I’ve stated I think it’s now more important to firmly state "I know you’ve been cheating on me". It’s not a confrontation IMO because you are not asking her for anything.

You are telling her you know. And if she does anything like I described in my two prior posts, I suggest you shut down all future conversations and head straight to ending this relationship and figuring out how to co-parent.

She, more than anyone, knows what happens on Dday to the betrayed. And she really does know what the cheater needs to do on Dday as well.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:51 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

I understand your GF's traumatic past and commend your sensitivity around it. You are obviously a decent human being. But you do have a right to be angry. As others have posted, her response when confronted will most likely be predictable as cheaters don't have a ton of options when faced with a confrontation. We call it "The Cheater's Handbook" but it is just human nature.

I would advise you to have someone with you when you confront, or at the very least, record the interaction. This is for two reasons, your safety against false, allegations and secondly, to give you axrecord of what has been said. Cheaters will often gaslight, minimize, and outright deny what was said. It could be malicious or just how the brain remembers things in times of stress. Check out the laws in your area regarding this.

Even if recording is not legal for court, it can be a valuable tool to help you process this trauma. If she has prepared for the confrontation, she will most certainly have researched how to handle Dday as a wayward, both as a remorseful and unremorseful one. Mine did and always asked me to turn my phone off during any conversation. Maybe get a VAR before confronting.

Even though my experiences as a BS were the worst thing I have suffered, and I have suffered a lot in my life, I came through it... sure, a little battered, a little bruised, but also stronger and better in many ways. My family is not prone to feelings of happiness, at least not the joy-joy kind. We do contentment. And so after 5+ years, I am D and quietly content. It is a great feeling compared to the agony I felt during and after my Ddays. You will get through this. Like others have said, the journey is non-linear. Rely on the good people here, especially the vets who give great advice. Their wisdom has been purchased at great cost and they have big hearts.

Her situation was severe. [...] I've learned more details from her family, which align with her account.

In a way I'm glad to read this - at least you have one less potential problem to worry in this otherwise horrendous situation.

I'm trying to understand her messages to OM. I've read about four months' worth of messages, and they mainly mention meeting up without much other content. They do have pictures, but my girlfriend doesn't show her face, not that it matters. There might be more details in the other messages; I haven't read all of them.

I don't believe their affair lasted only nine months; I think it's been going on longer. From the messages I've seen, it appears purely physical. Usually, there's some emotional connection before a physical one, but it seems like they skipped that part. It's strange because it's as if she got the phone, and the physical aspect started immediately. The very first message on the new phone is the OM texting a location to meet up. Another puzzling thing is why she needed a separate phone; I wasn't home most of the time. The only explanation I can think of is that I paid for her phone, so she might have been afraid to use it. But this is just a guess.

I talked to my girlfriend and told her we needed to have a discussion tomorrow. She sounded worried on the phone and kept asking what it was about, but I assured her we would talk about it tomorrow.

The1stWife, I will do what you have mentioned and be direct once I confront her. Thank you.

Justsomeguy,

Thank you for your comment. I've considered having someone, possibly my brother, present during the conversation, but I worry it might be too much for him, given that he's already been through a similar situation with his wife. I don't want to burden him. I could record the conversation.

I truly appreciate all the valuable advice I've received from many people in response to my post. I apologise for not being able to respond to everyone individually.

Have to imagine she knows what’s coming. Is she reacting to you not coming home and wanting to talk?

Anyone else would be in full blown panic if their partner left to stay at a hotel and wanted to talk in the morning… unless they knew full well what was going to go down.

Anyone else would be in full blown panic if their partner left to stay at a hotel and wanted to talk in the morning… unless they knew full well what was going to go down

I just thought the same. Heart beating, guts turning, knees softening and still desperately playing dumb and holding to the 0,1% chance that there is another explanation. So dramatic..

[This message edited by Potentialforevil at 10:24 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Thinking of you, gambit. Good luck.

still desperately playing dumb and holding to the 0,1% chance that there is another explanation.

I guess us veterans can predict what will happen next. Cue my prior posts where it will be right out of the Cheater’s Handbook (fictional cheater’s handbook I might add).

Some people will try to avoid the elephant in the room at all costs. SMH 🤦‍♀️

Gambit

Way too often we tend to complicate things…
IMHO what you are facing is relatively simple, but extremely hard.

You have stated that if this is infidelity you are out of the relationship.
You have stated that your biggest fear is she using the daughter to keep you in the relationship.
You also state that you have a minuscule hope that she can explain what’s going on and it isn’t infidelity.
You two aren’t married.

Look – You can get the physical aspect probably confirmed with a phone-call to OM wife.
I seriously doubt her husband changes job to escape a "we were only friends" type of relationship. I seriously doubt his wife had him followed for months or went through the forensic research she did if this was a "maybe". She has more info that she gave you, only it’s possibly unverifiable. But I’m guessing her husband has fessed up when confronted and she can confirm to you that it was physical.

Or… You can use logic. A burner-phone to trade recipes? No… nor is it that she simply got a burner and then she and OM decided to be extremely good friends and/or lovers. The burner is gotten when it’s reached a point a burner is needed. This is planning and intent to keep an affair secret. That "need" is for a reason, and that reason could be the OM past experience, or it could be that he suspected his wife was on him. But it’s not "hi – you look cute. Would you mind having this secret phone to use when and if I call you to arrange business meetings where we will only discus next month’s marketing plans?"

Physical or emotional? Keep in mind an EA is a no-sex affair. One of the biggest issues with EA’s is that many people don’t really see the wrong in it. After all – she’s only sharing with him what she might share with Betsy her best friend. The OM – keeping in mind this is not his first affair – will not settle for besties, think discovery warrants a career change or that a burner is needed. The moment this goes underground this becomes an affair.

Then there is the question of her knowing or not…
Well… the OM left the job. I’m putting like a 99% chance that your wife knew the OM left the job because his wife discovered the affair. The affair was not because of the job, and therefore would have carried on unless the OM cut it off and changed jobs. If he cut it off – he would have told your wife that his wife knew.
Then there seems to be quite an army in the know right now, ranging from the OM and his family, your brother, her family… With all these people in the know it’s highly unlikely that your wife is still in the dark. There is some old quote along the lines of "when two know the world knows" and that tends to apply to infidelity. It’s simply too juicy a secret to keep.

Then there is her reaction… Now… If I was being falsely accused of infidelity and my wife was avoiding me at a hotel… I would be raising hell and high water to clear my name. That might include contacting the alleged lover, the alleged lovers wife, the brother, the family members, bombarding your phone…

So… based on all that… and all that solely based on what you share…
Your confrontation is quite simple.

I know you are having an affair.
I have no interest in repairing this relationship.
We need to reach an acceptable agreement on how we split.
I want to keep our daughter in my life. We can either reach a mutual agreement on that or I can petition the courts for a child arrangements order.

That’s basically it…
Like I said in the beginning: Relatively simple but extremely hard.
You can give her a chance to prove it’s not an affair, but that won’t be happening. At best it will be minimization or justification.
Details? Since you aren’t working on the relationship they don’t matter. Why she did it, how often, where… no longer issues per se. These are all items that might be necessary to reconcile, but since you have stated you have no interest… then are really irrelevant.

Bigger,

I believe there might have been a misunderstanding when I mentioned the physical aspect; I am certain it happened. What I meant to convey is that it lasted longer than just nine months. I understand your perspective that I shouldn't concern myself with the details since I don't plan to stay, and I appreciate that advice. However, I can't help but dwell on the specifics and seek answers. Which I'm not doing now as I don't care. Regardless of our marital status, I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 12 years, and it's not easy to forget all the moments we've shared. Despite my attempts to convince myself otherwise, I don't want to believe she has had an affair, but considering the evidence I have, I know she has.

I believe my girlfriend is aware that I know she is having an affair. Her constant calls and messages suggest as much. However, I also understand that she won't admit to it, as she knows it would lead to our separation.

Your confrontation is quite simple.

I know you are having an affair.
I have no interest in repairing this relationship.
We need to reach an acceptable agreement on how we split.
I want to keep our daughter in my life. We can either reach a mutual agreement on that or I can petition the courts for a child arrangements order.

I truly appreciate your advice, and I fully intend to follow it. However, I have a feeling that situations like these rarely unfold as neatly as we envision. I've gone over the scenario in my mind countless times, but I'm almost certain it won't unfold as smoothly as I hope it will.

Gambit

My advice is solely based on what YOU share. That you have no intention of reconciling.

Keep in mind that all posters in this forum have gone through comparable situations as you are dealing with. I walked in on my then-fiancé having sex with another man. I decided not to pursue that relationship. THAT decision wasn’t easy, nor was it any emotionally easier than if I had caught her after we married. All marriage does basically is make the technical aspect harder. Emotions are the same IMHO.

Others have decided to reconcile – including the founders of this site – and have done so successfully.

IMHO both options – end a relationship or reconcile it – are totally acceptable, but they do require different levels of "truth".

To separate/divorce you basically only need to know there was an affair. Knowing more has benefits – but isn’t necessary. To use a crude comparison: If your car breaks down with a big plume of black and white smoke and steam rising from the engine and in flames it’s enough for you to realize it’s beyond repair. THAT is enough to determine the future of THAT vehicle.

Now – being told a couple of weeks later that the cause was a wrong oil-filter, combined with atmospheric temperature and old coolant and maybe a frayed electrical connection… doesn’t make your old vehicle any better.

IF your plan – or even a wish – was to somehow reconcile… after all the daughter, the 12 year relationship etc … a KEY element totally necessary to reconcile is total accountable truth. You can’t reconcile from what you don’t know.

IMHO there are only these two "good" ways out of infidelity: reconcile or separate.

Unfortunately too many go a third way which is some form of accepting that THIS affair might be over, but the root cause, the damage and all that is never dealt with. There might even be some vague threat of "I will leave once the kids go to college" or something in that vein.

IF you stick to your decision to separate then do so and do it as fast and with as little trauma and pain as possible.

IF you decide to give R a shot, then do so, but do so from a stance of reality.

And yes – it is really as simple as you allow it to be.

Think logically: IF you are committed to ending this relationship due to the infidelity then what will your relationship with her be in 2-3 years? Think you will still be visiting for coffee or concerned about her finances or anything of that nature? Other than realistic concerns for your daughter then I’m guessing you will follow the path of most people that divorce/separate and you will detach.

At that point, weather this was a 9 month affair, a 12 month affair… totally irrelevant. What will be relevant is the time it takes you to emotionally recover. That recovery tends to start the moment you commit to a decision.

Edited to add: I still don’t know how many OM my then fiancé met up with. It’s my understanding that she would occasionally go to clubs/bars and hook up with random men. I was told of at least one more confirmed instance shortly after d-day, and of another inappropriate action (making out with man) that a friend witnessed some months previously. But… doesn’t matter. I’m just as detached from her now knowing AT LEAST of the one I caught in bed with her as I would be knowing of the possible dozen others.
But I guess my story would be a lot more dramatic with all that detail…

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:59 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

I know you realized that today was going to be hard and likely not as you planned. Hopefully it went as well as these things can go.

I called my girlfriend to let her know I was heading home and that I intended to drop off our daughter at my brother's place. I explained that we needed to have a talk once I returned. She asked what it was about, to which I responded, "You know what it's about. I'll be back home soon, and we can discuss it then." She attempted to play dumb and tried asking more questions, claiming she didn't understand, but I chose to end the call at that point.

I arrived home and had a conversation with my daughter, letting her know that we wouldn't be doing anything that evening but reassured her that I'd make it up to her this week. I mentioned that I was planning to take her to my brother's place, and she agreed.

However, my girlfriend asked why our daughter needed to go. I explained to her that there were certain things we couldn't discuss in front of our daughter. Her face turned white, and I assured her that I wouldn't be away for too long.

When I returned home, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to share about anything from the past nine months. She responded, "Why are you behaving like this?"

I then mentioned the name of the OM involved and said I knew that she had been seeing him for the past nine months. I explained that there was no reason for her to deny it since I already knew everything.

She became emotional and continued to deny much of what I was saying. She even offered me her phone to check for evidence of an affair, but I declined, explaining that it wasn't the phone she had used. My response took her aback, but I told her that I already knew the truth and told her not to waste her time because I didn't care, as I knew all I needed to know and we wouldn't be staying together.

During the next few hours, we went in circles, with her telling me she hadn't done anything and me telling her that I didn't care and I knew she had and we wouldn't be staying together. She eventually admitted to the affair, not fully admitting it, as I know she is still lying; she said that it had ended and that she hadn't seen or spoken to him in two weeks. She was crying, begging for a second chance. She also attempted to explain that I had been away frequently and that she had been lonely.

I pointed out that I had also been away from her but had remained faithful. I emphasised that I didn't want this separation; it was her actions that had caused it, and she had destroyed not one but two families for what she had done. I told her I loved her and explained that she had hurt me, but we couldn't stay together.

She broke down, and I couldn't make out her words. Eventually, she told me she was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together. She suggested returning to counselling and promised to answer any questions I had. I responded by explaining that I'd wasted enough time talking about it because I didn't need to know everything and had made up my mind to end our relationship.

I made it clear that I wasn't the one responsible for this; it was her actions that led us here. I told her it wasn't me who did this; it was you, and you think this is what I want; you think I want to tell you these things; do you really think I want to separate? I love you, and you did this to me. You knew this would happen if you ever cheated, and you did it anyway.

I asked about our daughter and if she intended to prevent me from seeing her if we separated. She was surprised, asking why I would even think that. She told me she would never keep her away from me.

I told her she knew exactly what she would be making me feel, and yet, despite all the pain and suffering your ex-husband put you through, you chose to repeat the same choices with me. I cannot and will not forgive you for what you've done to me. The sooner you come to terms with this, the sooner we can both move forward.

I had no choice but to leave; she wouldn't hear me out. She just kept repeating the same things over and over again. I called my brother and asked if he would take my daughter home and make sure my ex-GF was okay. I would be staying at a hotel for a few more nights until I felt like going back.

Maybe I sound cruel in this post and seem like I don't love my girlfriend, but I assure you, I still do, and I believe I will for a long time, but I can't stay with her.