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Stop telling her that you love her. Every time you do she is hearing that she has something to work with. If you are done, be done.

I think you handled this in the best way possible.

I’m sorry for you and your daughter. But I feel like you will be the dad who bends over backwards to be the best you can for her.

I hope you can agree on a co-parenting plan. If not maybe call in a professional mediator who can help you come to terms with the details.

So heartbreaking. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m sorry ANY of us had to/have to go through this.

Gambit, your line in the sand was no cheating. You made it very clear and she knew this. You were BOTH apart from each other in those months, I’m quite sure you were lonely and missing companionship. Yet one thing is glaringly obvious - you made a choice NOT to betray your GF, she didn’t offer the same consideration to you and your relationship. You can still love her, but like longsadstory said, if you’re done, be done. Period.
Good luck with everything. You sounds like a good dad. Make sure your daughter knows that you are both still there for her even if you’re not going to stay together as a couple.

BB

I asked about our daughter and if she intended to prevent me from seeing her if we separated. She was surprised, asking why I would even think that. She told me she would never keep her away from me.

Not to be cynical, but get to a lawyer and get a custody sharing agreement in place while she still feels this way. After all, before she started cheating she would have claimed she would never do that to you either.

Hell, she was still claiming that a few hours ago.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 9:44 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

Very heartbreaking. You handled yourself as well as can be expected. None of us can anticipate how we will react in this situation. You did not sound heartless or cold. You can love someone totally and not be able to be in a relationship with them. It appears you travel a lot for work. I can’t imagine the ongoing doubt and anxiety moving forward with her. Be prepared for her to pull out the stops to keep you in the relationship. Love bombing or even using your daughter to appeal to you. Just be prepared. I hope that the two of you can work out a coparenting arrangement for the benefit of your daughter.

I’d also suggested having a talk with your daughter. Tell her, in age appropriate terms, why you are splitting. Emphasize it’s not her fault, and you will do everything you can to continue to be a part of her life. She’ll be very upset of course, and ask why you are leaving. Tell her what you told your XGF: her mom hurt you so badly, you cannot be with that woman anymore.

I suggest this so your XGF doesn’t start a false narrative about why you’re leaving.

Twelve years is long time to give yourself to someone, and in the end, she still disrespected you. All this blameshifting BS about you being away and she was lonely, is their go to when all else fails...

Nine months is a whole other relationship. Just be there for babygirl now, as she's all that matters...

And as lss1952 said, stop with ILY's. She lost that privilege...

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me. I will try to answer some comments.

I'd like to extend a special thanks to The1stWife for offering me valuable advice on how to confront my ex-girlfriend, as well as to many others who have done the same. Your support has truly made this difficult situation more manageable, and I appreciate it deeply. Since I confronted my ex-girlfriend, I've found that my thoughts are clearer, and I've taken the time to revisit Bigger's post, realising that it contained valuable advice that I initially may have gotten defensive in my reply to him, but now that I see it was also great advice he was giving me, maybe I took the comment to heart.

Edited to add: I still don’t know how many OM my then fiancé met up with. It’s my understanding that she would occasionally go to clubs/bars and hook up with random men. I was told of at least one more confirmed instance shortly after d-day, and of another inappropriate action (making out with man) that a friend witnessed some months previously. But… doesn’t matter. I’m just as detached from her now knowing AT LEAST of the one I caught in bed with her as I would be knowing of the possible dozen others.
But I guess my story would be a lot more dramatic with all that detail…

I'm truly sorry that you had to experience that; it must have been incredibly traumatic to witness. I'm not sure if I would have been able to handle catching them in the act myself. It's evident that you possess a great deal of insight and wisdom. Thank you for your valuable advice.

I've been maintaining regular contact with my daughter, and she's aware of the reasons behind her mother's and my separation. Her mother did share the reason with her, though not all the details—just that she had been seeing another man. My daughter has suggested two options: either I kick her mother out and move back home, or we find a house together. I've tried to explain to her that it's not that straightforward.

This week, my daughter has planned various activities for us to enjoy after school. She usually writes them down, and we pick things to do by drawing them from a hat, that she made when she was younger. Hopefully, we won't end up with anything involving heights like last time, as I'm afraid of heights. I'm looking forward to spending quality time together. Her mother has finally stopped contacting me.

Not to be cynical, but get to a lawyer and get a custody sharing agreement in place while she still feels this way. After all, before she started cheating she would have claimed she would never do that to you either.

Hell, she was still claiming that a few hours ago.

I didn't provide many details in my previous message, but we did have a more extended discussion about our daughter. It was the only time she seemed reasonable during our conversation. I've been considering the idea of reaching out to a lawyer to establish a custody sharing agreement, and I intend to explore this option further. Thank you.

It appears you travel a lot for work. I can’t imagine the ongoing doubt and anxiety moving forward with her. Be prepared for her to pull out the stops to keep you in the relationship. Love bombing or even using your daughter to appeal to you. Just be prepared. I hope that the two of you can work out a coparenting arrangement for the benefit of your daughter.

I've been travelling extensively for work, especially this year. Now, I have the next four months off from work. I'm unsure if this is a good or bad thing, but it does mean I'll have a lot of time to spend with my daughter. I hope my ex-GF won't attempt to use our daughter against me, though I'm not entirely certain of her intentions. Currently, our daughter is quite angry with her mother, but I don't believe this will last forever.

I’d also suggested having a talk with your daughter. Tell her, in age appropriate terms, why you are splitting. Emphasize it’s not her fault, and you will do everything you can to continue to be a part of her life. She’ll be very upset of course, and ask why you are leaving. Tell her what you told your XGF: her mom hurt you so badly, you cannot be with that woman anymore.

When I confronted my ex-GF, she mentioned that she would explain to our daughter why we had separated. Initially, I didn't believe she would actually do it. However, after talking to my daughter, I realised that her mother had indeed told the truth—though not all the details—just that she was involved with another man. I'm hopeful that this might be a positive sign that her mother will be more cooperative with me in the future.

OBS has reached out to me a few times since Saturday. Her husband has moved out, and she's proceeding with the divorce, even though he doesn't want one. She's had enough of him, and I've expressed my gratitude to her for what she's done for me. I wouldn't have known anything if it weren't for OBS. She's even invited me to go out for dinner, but I had to decline because I've promised to spend time with my daughter this week.

The next challenging aspect for me is figuring out our living arrangements. I'm financially capable of finding my own place, but there's currently no need to do so because I own the house where my ex-GF resides. I don't intend to force her out, and my ex-GF has mentioned that she'll move once she finds another place. However, my daughter insists that I should push her mother to leave.

I've made an effort to explain to my daughter that if I were to insist on her mother leaving, she would have to live with family members who are more than three hours away. This would result in less time for us to spend together. She argues that she's almost 15, not a child anymore, and should have the authority to make her own decisions.

I've reminded her that despite her arguments and justifications (some of which left me stumped and others were quite amusing), I've told her that legally, she is still considered a child, and her mother won't simply leave her with me.

Your daughter is about 14?
(12-year relationship + 2 years old when you met)

At that age teenagers have a very strong sense of righteousness, but it tends to be very self-centered. Tend to be harsh with limited compassion. She wants her mom punished, and is possibly doing it the way she knows and that is by denying her mom herself.
Ask any mid-school teacher: they can attest that these kids think it’s fine if they all disturb the teacher and what-not, but cry havoc if a teacher single one out for punishment or blame.
I would take extreme care to remove your daughter as much as possible from the relationship issues. She doesn’t get an input or voice in who leaves the house at what point, get’s to blame her mom for having an affair nor blame you for not reconciling. These are issues that impact her but are outside her influence or pay-grade.

You definitely – together – offer her a residence-plan. You offer that she spend a week with you, week with mom, or with you when home but with mom when traveling… What you DO NOT want is a 14-16 year old teenage girl with a grudge against her mom living in your house when you are traveling. That is – unless you plan to be a step-grandad in 2025...

It varies between states and countries, but often kids this age have a lot of input on where they reside. When it’s legal for them to chose where they live. It is possible that you two can reach an agreement without legal input. I would however ALWAYS have any agreement vetoed by an attorney.

Having your daughter finish her High School years in the same district is very important.

If she must live at your residence legally to make it happen, the STBXGF should understand that.

Your daughter has enough going on, I hope changing schools is not one of them.

Bigger,

Thank you for the excellent advice. My daughter was 2 years old when I first met her. I had known her mother for quite some time before we became serious. It took some time before she was comfortable introducing someone to her daughter. When her mother and I officially got together, my daughter was 2 years old, but she was on the verge of turning 3 in a few months, which is why she's soon turning 15.

I absolutely don't want my ex-girlfriend to stay in my house while I'm away. The plan is for her to find a new place within the next four months before I return to work. I do intend to consult with a lawyer, but only if my ex-GF decides to create any problems. Currently, it's the only topic we've discussed that hasn't turned into an argument. However, I am aware that my ex-GF could change her stance, and if that happens, I'll seek legal assistance to help with the arrangements.

The1stWife,

The only instance where my ex-GF didn't argue was when the conversation centred around our daughter. Initially, she resisted the idea of moving out, but when I emphasised that our daughter's well-being should come first and that we shouldn't disrupt her life with friends, school, and other commitments, she eventually agreed to find a new place to live. She mentioned wanting to be close to me, but realistically, she won't be able to, given her income. However, I genuinely believe that she will do whatever it takes to prioritize our daughter and ensure her life isn't negatively impacted by the choices she's made.

That is a big positive for you and your daughter. Glad that’s squared away.

Your wife said nothing about her reasons for betraying you other than she was lonely? I think you maybe leaving a lot out of the back and forth between you. Which is fine since you are leaving her. But it gives little in the way of what you can expect in the future. Can you say what you argued about with a little detail. On the surface it seems you are doing as well as possible.

Dennylast

I believe I grasp your question. I think you're asking for more of the conversation with my ex-GF, which lasted for hours, so I could not write down the entire conversation we had, but I could give more details. I left out quite a bit of my previous message regarding what was said between us.

I believe I mentioned in my previous message that I suspected she was still being dishonest when I confronted her. I believe she is lying about how often she met up with him. Apart from that, it's possible she was telling the truth, but I can't be entirely sure.

I do recall mentioning that she had felt lonely while I was away from home, which she claimed was the reason for her affair, and this is true based on what she told me. However, her stance shifted over the course of the night. By the end of our conversation, she admitted that it was entirely her fault and had nothing to do with me. She also went into prolonged fits of crying, and I had to wait for her to regain her composure. While I can't be entirely certain about the specifics of her words, I do believe she was saying how sorry she was and how she ruined everything, and I believe she was calling herself names.

She explained to me how it all started. The OM was new to her company and worked in a different department. The OM had initiated contact with her, and initially, their conversations revolved around typical topics like movies, TV shows, and shared interests, much like how she talks with her friends. At that point, she had no romantic feelings for him. However, things took a turn when OM began asking personal questions about me and our relationship. She did admit to temporarily cutting off communication with him when he asked about these personal matters, but those breaks didn't last long. Eventually, she started having dinner with him during their breaks, and things escalated from there.

She explained to him that I often worked away for extended periods. In response, he suggested that I might be cheating, doubting that any man could be away for such a long time from a woman. Their conversation spanned over two months before the PA began, which took an additional month to start. I did ask about certain details regarding the PA, including whether she ever brought him to our bed. She adamantly denied doing so, though I have no means to verify this, and it's somewhat irrelevant given that we're no longer together. She also mentioned that their meetings occurred only at their workplace and at his home; she believed he was separated from his wife at the time. She told me that they never saw each other all the time, only on certain jobs; they never saw each other every day. They never had contact outside of work, which I cannot be certain of.

Another question I had was about the phone she had. She explained that the OM had given her the phone to communicate about their meetings after they initiated the PA. However, once she had the phone, she realised that the OM had been dishonest about being separated from his wife. She admitted to contemplating ending the affair, but the OM assured her that they wouldn't get caught, and she started to believe it herself, so she decided to continue. She also mentioned that she stopped the affair while I was home and never engaged in sexual activity with him during those three weeks, which accounted for only a fraction of the nine-month period. She also offered to give me the phone she had used, but I declined, stating that I didn't need it.

I also asked about the most recent contact she had with the OM. She mentioned that three weeks ago, he messaged her to confess that his wife had discovered their affair. He informed her that he needed to quit his job and requested that she not contact him anymore. She added that the actual last time she tried to communicate was two weeks ago, when she got anxious about his wife potentially reaching out to me. In response, she contacted him, asking if he knew that his wife was planning to inform me. However, he never replied, and when she called him, his phone went straight to voicemail. She then asked me if this was how I had found out, but I didn't respond to her.

I asked another question. Would she have stopped the affair if the OM had never ended it? Her response was that she would have, as I was returning home and would be staying for the next four months. However, she became really emotional at this point before providing her answer to the next part. It took her a while, but she admitted that she would have resumed the affair with the OM once I left. She expressed her desire and hope not to do so, but she believed that she would. She believed she would have gone back to it. I also asked her if she loved him, to which she replied that she never loved him. She told me that she had never uttered those words to him and that she only loved me.

We had an extensive discussion about our daughter. Initially, she suggested that we should remain together for our daughter's sake. However, I made it clear that I wasn't willing to do that and that she needed to start searching for a new place. I proposed that we could figure out sleeping arrangements once she had found a house. She agreed with most of the points we discussed concerning our daughter. I genuinely believe that she has our daughter's best interests at heart.

This is also the point where she confesses to having spoken with my SIL. I may have mentioned previously that my SIL had betrayed my brother years ago, but they have since reconciled. My brother shared with me that it required a lot of effort, driven by his love for his wife and their commitment to their children. They attended counselling for several years, and I believe they still go occasionally. My SIL had advised my ex-GF to come clean with me and suggested that we could move forward from there. She also told my ex-GF that if she continued to deceive me, things would not go as she had hoped. My ex-GF repeatedly apologised for the lies and expressed regret for not telling the truth from the beginning. However, I explained to her that, even if she had been honest from the start, it wouldn't have changed my decision, as I had already decided to end the relationship.

I have to be honest. During our conversations, I told her plenty of times that I didn't care why she did what she did and to stop talking about her affair. I only wanted to talk about our daughter, when she was moving out, and so on, but she said she needed to tell me the truth and that I deserved to know what she did to me. I can never know why she thought it would be a good idea to lie to me and then tell me what she says is the truth. She also mentioned starting counselling and saying she would do anything to stay together, but I told her I couldn't stay with her. This is where we just went back and forth saying the same things, and I left not long after. I also told her I loved her a few times (I now realise from the comments that I shouldn't have said these words, but I can't take them back now).

I'm hoping this answers your question, as this is not word-for-word what was said; it is a lot more detailed than my previous post. I have probably left a lot out still, as the conversation went on for a long time. I don't know if my ex-GF is remorseful or not; I couldn't say, but I do believe she is sorry she was caught.

I find it… risky… and a big potential legal loophole if an underage girl is not registered with her legal custodian (parent) as her legal abode. You will have CPS over you like a rash…
IMHO you need to ensure the proper legal process and path if you want your step-daughter to reside with you.

Bigger,

What you're saying is accurate; the way I'm currently proceeding might be risky. I haven't discussed this with anyone yet, but I have conducted some research. If what I've read is correct, the situation doesn't seem favourable for me. According to my research, both parents typically need to sign an agreement to grant me parental responsibility. I wouldn't want to put my ex-GF in a difficult position by asking her to approach her ex-husband for this, and if I did, I'm certain she would refuse to talk to me. It seems that being separated adds complexity to the situation since the usual requirement is to be married or in a civil partnership. Please keep in mind that my knowledge is based on online information, and things could change once I speak with someone. As of now, the outlook doesn't seem promising for me.

As I've looked deeper into this, it's become increasingly apparent that my daughter will have to primarily stay with her mother, and it's doubtful she can spend any time with me at my house if there's no parental responsibility agreement in effect. Unfortunately, I'm not optimistic about my chances of obtaining one. I'm hopeful that after I've had a conversation with someone knowledgeable in this matter, I'll gain a clearer understanding. However, I'm certain that if my ex-GF needs to engage with her ex-husband in any way, she will certainly refuse any involvement related to him and she will refuse to speak to me too.

I have an alternative option, although it's not my first choice. If the situation arises where I can't see my daughter as much as I'd like, I may need to contemplate getting back together with my ex-GF. It might not be the perfect solution, but I've witnessed my brother reconcile with his wife, so perhaps with time, I could do the same.

I understand that this year I've missed out on spending time with my daughter due to my work circumstances. I only started working away from home this year, temporarily filling in for someone else. So, if necessary, I can adjust my work situation to be at home more and be there for my daughter. To do that, I just need to have a conversation with my boss to make the necessary changes.

This option isn't going to be easy, as I've previously mentioned that cheating is a deal-breaker for me. But perhaps I should explore the possibility of forgiveness, something I've never truly attempted in the context of cheating. Seeking advice on how to move forward and forgive my ex-GF could be helpful, and this site might help me or tell me I'm stupid for considering taking her back.

Look, you have had a ton of stuff thrown at you in a short period. Give yourself some grace. This is not a race. You will figure this out. But know this: there is no requirement to forgive. If you choose the last option you need to heal you. Your WGF needs to take consistent action over a long period to demonstrate she has worked on how she became so broken, and demonstrates real empathy and remorse for her actions. If you are open to it, you can reach acceptance of what she did. But at least in my mind forgiveness is not required. You’ve got a lot to consider especially with your stepdaughter. I am not recommending that you try R. Only you can make that decision, and I would give myself time to figure it out. Sorry you are going through this. None of us deserved infidelity. After my WW’s drunken one night stand, I was done. We separated and I filed for D. Bu several months later she convinced me to give her an opportunity to show her commitment to change and to our M. After a time I saw that her changes were real and I dropped the D and we started to recover. Not for the faint hearted I tell you. But worth it now several decades into R and very happy. But you have to do you. If her infidelity is a dealbreaker so be it. You will receive support whatever path you choose, Separation or R. Good luck.

You will get a lot of views for and against reconciliation but in the end it is your decision. There is unity here that it takes two people willing to do the really hard work in order for there to be a fifty fifty shot at reconciliation. You are very early in this process to make decisions for yourself, your daughter and your GF. You have been hurt as deeply as one person can be hurt by another. You’ve got time. Use your friends and family to support you. Use this site. Read some books. Have girlfriend read some books. See how you feel in a few months and make your decisions based on the clarity only time can give.
If you do think about R as a possibility, then your GF must understand why she gave herself permission to do this. If she doesn’t, she will have no control over future events. Therapy will be required. Good luck to you.

Remaining with your GF solely to be around the daughter is a terrible idea.
If you want to reconcile then do so because you want a normal relationship as partners in life with your GF. THAT is reconciliation. Trying to be around her until you daughter leaves home… no… that is neither R nor D. That’s hell.

Is reconciliation possible? Well… yes… as the founders of this site will attest to, as well as a number of mods, admins, guides and general users. Just like a similar group will attest to divorce being a great solution. Frankly – BOTH R and D are good ways out of infidelity, and a child can be a good reason to want to reconcile, but the MAIN reason needs to be a mutual desire to keep the relationship.

Depending on your country/state laws vary, but this is a generic scenario regarding the step-daughter:
Since she is not legally or genetically your daughter your rights are limited.
Since she is 15 years old it’s probable that her voice can be quite loud regarding where SHE wants to reside. Like in many places a 16 year old can decide where they want to live, and even move out from their parents (although it’s more common that this is at 18).

The "easy" way is to get the acceptance (in writing) of all legal guardians. Note I don’t say biological parents, if her biological dad hasn’t had any part in her life to-date then it’s possible that he won’t have any input or impact.

Another "easy" path might be for you to formally apply for legal paternity/adoption. Again – if her biological dad isn’t active he might be happy getting rid of child-support and possible inheritance issues.

A slightly more complex but legally possible path is to apply for access to her (as I have suggested twice). This can be done despite or without her mom’s or biological dad’s acceptance.

+1 to asking XGF if she’d be open to you adopting your daughter. This would of course give you legal standing etc.