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I can’t speak for other countries but OP would require the permission of all parties with parental responsibility for any adoption where I’m from. Would the ex husband be open to agreeing to share parental responsibility (with all the caveats that brings) with someone who just left his ex?

I've consulted with a family lawyer regarding adoption for my daughter. There are various factors to consider, both positive and negative. Firstly, my daughter currently bears my surname, a decision made when she was younger. However, her mother didn't follow the proper procedures for this, as it required consent from her biological father, which I know she will not have obtained. Another one is that my ex-GF and I are separated.

I'm working on finding the courage to discuss adoption with my ex-GF. It involves her having to reach out to her ex-husband to relinquish his parental rights to their daughter, and I'm not sure how she'll react to that idea. The family lawyer has mentioned that she might not need to talk to him but will have to at least get his contact information for the social workers.

The positive aspect here is that the courts consider my daughter's feelings and desires when making their final decision, ensuring her well-being remains the top priority.

Reconciliation, for the reasons you stated, is not a good idea.

Can your daughter emancipate and bring her own lawsuit? Could be expensive and completely alienate her mother.

I hope an amicable agreement can be reached. For everyone involved.

If your daughter is almost 15 it would be just 3 years before she is an indipendent adult and then she can choose who to live with etc. Not a long time from now. If you don’t have money problems perhaps you can help your ex renting a place close to you so your daughter can share time with both? Especially if you are not home much. Not forever, just until she turns 18. It might also show your ex that you don’t want to alienate her daughter from her otherwise she might go into panic mode.

I would be very, very careful to create a legal dispute about your daughter or have your daughter go into a legal proceeding against her mother so try to keep it as amicable as possible for everyone’s sake. Your daughter is obviosuly angry and upset but don’t let her think that being adopted by you means she can "divorce" her mother like you are doing ‘cause that’s what she is probably thinking right now. A desire for punishement is irrationally strong in teens.

R is not what you want, absolutely fair and understandable, but it should be the path for your daughter and her mother (unless the mother is toxic or otherwise a horrible parent of course). I don’t mean this can be achieved tomorrow but it must be a long term goal for them IMO. A teen who holds a grudge against one parent is not going to be an emotionally healthy adult, I can promise you that. Just my 2 cents but if your ex is cooperative I would avoid pushing a dynamic that can easily escalate to the point where mother and daughter become alienated.

You were together a long time, why you’ve never considered adoption before or even marriage? Was it because her ex could cause trouble or your ex GF was against it? I’d imagine a judge would ask you that.

I'm working on finding the courage to discuss adoption with my ex-GF

Here’s a thought: Tell your XGF you *might* be willing to *consider* R with her should you get the adoption done. Give her a sliver of hope to get her motivated. You are *not* promising R. Then, after the adoption is done (assuming it can in fact be done), you can tell your XGF you tried to get there in your mind but you still can’t stomach R. Or, if 12 miracles occur and you’re actually willing to consider R, do that (fat chance).

Is she your girlfriend (as in living together) or do you two have a civil partnership?
Do you return one tax return as a family or separate?
Has her biological dad had any participation in the daughter’s life?
Is he paying child-support and to what age does he have that oblication?
Is it likely that the daughter will stay in school beyond 16 and/or 18?

I agree with Lalala12 that you might be best off waiting for your daughter to reach the age where she can decide these things.

Adoption and custody are two different t things. So if you can legally adopt your daughter that is great.

Then there needs to be a separate custody agreement. If your daughter chooses to live with you, her mom will have to agree and then sign the custody agreement.

Adoption does not equal automatic custody.

I strongly suggest you separate the two things: the separation and the future of the daughter.

Worst-case scenario regarding the daughter is that for the next three years she lives with her mom and has limited ability to stay with you. It wouldn’t prevent you two from seeing each other, but it might mean she doesn’t reside in your home. That’s the absolute worst-case scenario for you, and no reason to think this is what will happen.

Worst-case scenario regarding the separation is if your ex realizes the importance of your relationship with the daughter and uses that as a bargaining chip. "If you don’t let me stay in the house I will keep her away" or "If I catch her with you I will tell CPS you are grooming her" or whatever.
Don’t expect her do to that? Well… did you expect her to cheat?

Get the separation through, do your best to maintain a good open relationship with the daughter AND to encourage her to have a good relationship with mom, and then the three of you might be in a better place 1-2 months from now to decide your future.

Just getting caught up on your thread. I dont really have anything new to add that hasnt already been very well covered by the others except to extend solidarity and commiserations to you sir. I am so sorry you are facing this relationship treason and its fall out at the hands of your long time SO. Really tragic that she would willingly participate in the destruction of two families but such is the soul of a relationship traitor. Many have emotional/integrity developmental gaps the size of a large canyon imo. Its worth noting that we've seen so many times where the wayward has already seen/experienced the pain and destruction of infidelity with close family members (parents, siblings, in laws, etc.) and yet, they go ahead and do the same thing anyway. Stunning.

For what its worth, I think you are handling this very well and I affirm your decision to end the relationship and move on with as much alacrity as you can muster. I have no doubt you will as you seem a mature and well rounded individual that knows their worth. You are also a great communicator btw. Your love and loyalty for your daughter is wonderful.

One thing I can attest to is the value of good therapy. A kind of life coach to see you through the white waters of betrayal trauma. It helped me immeasurably and I hope you will avail yourself of that support resource.

Strength, healing and peace in the days ahead to you sir.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 7:47 PM, Friday, October 6th]

If your daughter is almost 15 it would be just 3 years before she is an indipendent adult and then she can choose who to live with etc. Not a long time from now. If you don’t have money problems perhaps you can help your ex renting a place close to you so your daughter can share time with both? 

In my country, the legal age at which my daughter can decide where she wants to live and can potentially move out if she has the financial means to do so is 16. I've offered to cover the expenses for a place for my ex-girlfriend, but she declined, stating that she doesn't feel deserving of any help from me.

I would be very, very careful to create a legal dispute about your daughter or have your daughter go into a legal proceeding against her mother so try to keep it as amicable as possible for everyone’s sake. Your daughter is obviosuly angry and upset but don’t let her think that being adopted by you means she can "divorce" her mother like you are doing ‘cause that’s what she is probably thinking right now. A desire for punishement is irrationally strong in teens.

There's no need for a legal dispute with my ex-GF concerning our daughter. Whenever I discuss matters related to our daughter, my ex-GF is cooperative, and there's no argument. This week, my daughter has spent more time with me than with her mother. My daughter is quite angry with her mother. We've had discussions, and she told me her mother is doing everything to mend their relationship, including arranging counselling for her.

You were together a long time, why you’ve never considered adoption before or even marriage? Was it because her ex could cause trouble or your ex GF was against it? I’d imagine a judge would ask you that. 

We were in a long-term relationship, and I did propose to her, although it was a humiliating experience as she rejected me in front of both our families. At that moment, I began to doubt if she ever truly loved me. It wasn't until I had discussions with her family that I started to understand why she would not marry again.

I believe I've mentioned before that her ex-husband was abusive, which is unfortunately true. What her family shared with me is that she endured prolonged isolation from them during that time. If she made even the slightest mistake, he would restrain her, confining her to a small, dark room for days without food or water. I believe you can infer the kind of abuse she endured in that room. I don't believe I can go into explicit details about his actions on this site. The physical violence was so severe that she lost pregnancies multiple times. It was when she became pregnant with our daughter that she had the courage to leave, eventually divorcing him and disclosing everything to the police.

I know her family had contacted the police numerous times about her ex-husband's abuse, but sadly, no action was taken. My ex-GF would cover for him. I can't describe all the horrifying events that transpired during their five-year marriage. She had been attending counselling sessions since I knew her, but for some reason, she stopped both her counselling and medication this year. I only discovered she had discontinued these treatments when I confronted her about her affair.

This is the primary reason why I'm hesitant to discuss her ex-husband in relation to the adoption, as I'm uncertain about her potential reaction. Do I occasionally ponder why she never shared these details with me over the years? Yes, those thoughts have crossed my mind. However, it's challenging to comprehend how someone who endured such a harrowing experience during a five-year period thinks. If she wanted me to know, she likely would have told me, but I certainly wasn't the one inclined to broach the topic with her.

As odd as it may sound, I never really considered adopting my daughter throughout the years; the thought only crossed my mind when someone brought it up in one of the comments. The reason behind this is that I've always seen myself as her father. Legally, I may be her stepdad, but that never felt like reality. My parents have treated her just like they do with their other grandchildren, and the same goes for my siblings. Our friends also see me as her father. My daughter is aware that I'm not her biological father, yet she has called me "dad" since a very young age. Another significant reason is that I've been the sole father figure in her life; she hasn't ever met her biological father, and he hasn't contributed anything in terms of child support.

I recognise that everyone's advice is based solely on the information I provide in my posts. Despite what my ex-GF has put me through, do I think she's an entirely terrible person? No, I don't. She is a wonderful mother to our daughter. I was away for a significant portion of this year, and I didn't witness the changes in my ex-GF, but my daughter did, and for some reason, she didn't inform me.

I've told my ex-GF not to bring up her affair anymore, and she has respected that request. Our conversations now revolve solely around our daughter. She's also encouraging me to start counselling and has written multiple apology letters, even creating a timeline, though I never requested one. Additionally, she's given me five books to read, and I've found some of them quite helpful.

Initially, she expressed a desire for us to stay together, but she soon realised it wasn't what I wanted. Since then, she's been cooperative and focused on doing whatever it takes to help me. However, it's still hard for me, as I confront the worst of what she did to me when I'm alone or speaking with her.

Really tragic that she would willingly participate in the destruction of two families but such is the soul of a relationship traitor. Many have emotional/integrity developmental gaps the size of a large canyon imo. Its worth noting that we've seen so many times where the wayward has already seen/experienced the pain and destruction of infidelity with close family members (parents, siblings, in laws, etc.) and yet, they go ahead and do the same thing anyway. Stunning.

It's truly astonishing how some people can engage in such behaviour. I'd like to point out that the situation between me and what my ex-GF went through is quite different. It's not that she wouldn't understand my feelings, but rather, she was aware of her ex-husband's infidelity, as he openly admitted his actions to her.

In my previous post, I mentioned that my SIL betrayed my brother. Within her family, infidelity seems to be a recurring issue, with her mother, father, and brother all having been involved in it at some point. As far as I know, only her sister has remained faithful to her partner. Infidelity within her family was a known issue even before my SIL betrayed my brother, so she was well aware of the emotional toll it would take on him, but she proceeded with it anyway.

It appears that some individuals do not fully consider the consequences of their actions and the pain they inflict on others. To me, it's perplexing, as I believe I would be acutely aware of the impact my actions might have on someone else's emotions.

For what its worth, I think you are handling this very well and I affirm your decision to end the relationship and move on with as much alacrity as you can muster. I have no doubt you will as you seem a mature and well rounded individual that knows their worth. You are also a great communicator btw. Your love and loyalty for your daughter is wonderful.

One thing I can attest to is the value of good therapy. A kind of life coach to see you through the white waters of betrayal trauma. It helped me immeasurably and I hope you will avail yourself of that support resource.

I appreciate your kind words. I believe I'm coping with this situation as well as anyone else would, even though my sleepless nights and constant tears might suggest otherwise. It's only been seven days since I was presented with evidence of my ex-girlfriend's affair. I wish I had a better sense of my own value. Frankly, from what I've read in various stories, an AP is often seen as a step down. Oddly enough, in my case, I've seen pictures of the OM, and compared to me, he seemed like an improvement in terms of attractiveness. However, even if he had been perceived as a downgrade, I still think I would have struggled with my self-confidence.

Fortunately, I have a strong support system, and my brother has been particularly helpful. Currently, he's like my own personal counselor. I understand that this can't continue indefinitely, as he has his own family to care for and he's not a professional counselor. However, he's been through a similar experience, and I've gained valuable insights from him about what to expect from counseling. He consistently emphasises that counselling will be immensely beneficial for me.

I appreciate your kind words. I believe I'm coping with this situation as well as anyone else would, even though my sleepless nights and constant tears might suggest otherwise. It's only been seven days since I was presented with evidence of my ex-girlfriend's affair. I wish I had a better sense of my own value. Frankly, from what I've read in various stories, an AP is often seen as a step down. Oddly enough, in my case, I've seen pictures of the OM, and compared to me, he seemed like an improvement in terms of attractiveness. However, even if he had been perceived as a downgrade, I still think I would have struggled with my self-confidence.

Once again, I am so sorry for the deep pain you are experiencing due to her betrayal. With it being just over a week, Im sure its all so very raw. The intense angst due to infidelity is unlike any other.

The thing marital/relationship traitors never really get is the true severity of the impact that their treason has had on their significant other's perceived self worth. Its a huge ego hit. Oh, I know we are not to be codependent, but come on, we exclusively invest a significant part of our hearts in them, and they in us (supposedly). When this is revealed as fraudulent/inequitable, the shock and hurt are hard to express. I, and many other betrayeds, heard minimizing efforts like, "It was never about you, only me and my selfish desires," or, "I didnt congnizantly betray you, In fact I wasnt even thinking of you" (not sure which is worse honestly), or, my favorite, "It wasnt about the sex, but the attention and validation that came with it" regardless of all the efforts by the betrayed to provide just that. There was a wayward in this site that told her betrayed husband that she basically invalidated all of his efforts to affirm her and give her loving attention by saying that, as her husband, it was just something he had to do. Talk about "dammed if you do, dammed if you dont"!!! Anyway, all of these attempts by my wayward were heard by me as blah, blah, blah (cue the eye roll)....just Charlie Brown's teacher's static-voice.

As to the physical appearance of the POS AP, if they are less appealing then WTH??!! If they are more attractive, then again, WTH??!! Either way, its a losing comparison.

I say all that to say that yes, the impact on the betrayed's perceived self worth is very significant (an understatement), but, as my therapist used to say, "Feel your feelings, but feelings are not fact. You were a person of great worth before your betrayal, you are so now, and you will remain so in the future." It was a shot in the arm that I needed to hear.

I majoratively recovered in time and so will you.

Strength, healing and peace to you in increasing measure in the days ahead. I am glad to hear you have a strong support system.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:11 PM, Saturday, October 7th]

How are you doing gambit?

As time moves forward and you are able to see more clearly, you will come to realize how dysfunctional your exgf really was. Unfortunately, no matter how much love you poured into the relationship, she carried too much luggage.

She may never be able to rectify her issues.

BUT..

Set new goals. Hit the gym. Your best results from this is a better you.

Are you sure your daughter doesn't know about her mother's affair?

I think there may be a possibility that your partner uses her second phone at home while you are away from home. Your daughter may have noticed the changes in her mother and her interest in someone different.

finally

If you are breaking up with your partner, you should keep moving forward.

If your daughter wants to be with you when she turns 16, take her with you, make time for yourself and start socializing. You act like you're trying to live alone,

While thinking about solving the problems, you should not be eager to take all the responsibility and pay all the penalties.

You should go on dates, find a new partner. your life continues.

Hi Gambit,

I read this whole thread and our situations had some parallels. My WS also had past abuse. He also had the affair when we were long distance due to work. It was also someone at work and similarly, started as conversations when he was "lonely". Although reading your story, I am reminded all affairs are different and still the same in many ways. I hope you stick around here and read a lot of the old threads and advice sections because you will find wisdom that will help you through.

Infidelity was also a dealbreaker for me. I was a lot like you, the minute I found out I knew there was no way. I changed my mind after about a month of a lot of crying and begging and decided to reconcile. The point of me telling you that is that for pretty much all of us, cheating was a deal breaker, and reconciliation depends on if you can unbreak a dealbreaker. It's a very hard road.

This is only the very early days. You will be in shock. How you feel will change a lot. You will swing between sad and angry and at times disbelief. It's a very traumatic discovery. Just be patient with yourself and give yourself time. I agree with other posters, staying together for your daughter is a terrible idea. But if you have reasons for yourself that you'd like to try and reconcile then we will all be there to help you, as will your brother.

No one can tell you the right decision, but I think a great think about you that comes across here is your self esteem. You know you deserve better than this. It's great that you already know that. Please don't go down the road of questioning yourself.

The simple truth is this: some people don't love themselves enough to treat themselves with more respect. Your ex GF probably has self esteem issues and because she's damaged she will have malfunctioning systems inside herself and that is why she did this. Nothing you did or didn't do can change it, because it's about a problem inside her. She was lonely, someone made her feel nice and she decided to do it without thinking too much.

All cheaters do that, and you will unravel that more over the coming months. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means she wasn't very good at it. With a lot of work she could learn to be better at it. But it would be a lot of work. I think for now you need to think in the very short term.

Can you get a place to stay comfortably for, say, 4 - 8 weeks so you can just process all this?