SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really don't know how to quote...

HIKINGOUT you were lucky your AP did not contact you anymore, you may realise it would have been a different story had he done it.

Anyway, long story short, we went to couple therapy which was a big surprise because my husband is not the kind of person who goes into therapy. I wished he went, I asked him so many times but he has so many HUGE wounds from childhood that he is terrified to open those wounds and he clearly said to me he would kill himself had he to wake up those wounds which would hunted him for a very long time. His abusive parents messed up with him and persuaded him that psychologist and therapists are for the crazy so he will never go. Nevertheless we are living a dream life now doing the things we like, learning new skills with me and even without therapy there have been many changes and yes, he would see more if he went to sort himself out, but again, HE must choose it.

Your husband is choosing to continue to let her make him feel good (she is still his tool and will always be looked on like that.

YES she is still validating him because she thinks he is a sort of God. When the affair started she was calling my husband "My teacher and coach, my beer friend" and I only saw those posts later, a lot later. I know very well why she is posting on social media, both to send him messages but also because she is a narcissist who needs her audience. She is not young but she has so many selfies, sexy photos that makes me sick. They are not contacts on social media but if she posts publicly he can see her posts (and so can I and she knows this too!!). However she has also lots of men who like her posts so she really is just a bi**h and she honestly deserves her loneliness.

What surprises me is that she got ditched and yet she continues to post "You are still my person, even if I am not yours" therefore she keeps stroking his ego... he is an idiot and so is she.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 7:35 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

HIKINGOUT you were lucky your AP did not contact you anymore, you may realise it would have been a different story had he done it.

I don’t disagree that had it not been discovered it would have went on a bit longer. But what you don’t know is I believed the whole time that I could reach out to him and he would have spoken to me. Like your husband’s situation, he was sort of a colleague, we didn’t work for the same company, just for the same project.

I left him alone because it was a relief. I knew that it needed to stop and I couldn’t handle the pressures. It was just painful at the same time. I blocked him on everything, without being asked, in fact I blocked him the day I started therapy before I confessed to my husband.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:41 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

What surprises me is that she got ditched and yet she continues to post "You are still my person, even if I am not yours" therefore she keeps stroking his ego... he is an idiot and so is she.

It is because he leads her to believe things very differently.

Your husband may have many changed behaviors, but he is still addicted to this woman. You keep defending him, saying you two are living a dream life. But if you felt that way I don’t think you would be posting this.

I think you want him to have her stay out of his life, and that is what you should both want together. Instead, she has two of you looking at her Facebook page. I think you need to put your foot down and you both should block her and live out your life as if she is irrelevant. Because until you do that she will continue to be very relevant.

HIKING OUT

During these years I visited many affairs websites and in most of them they say that in 90% of cases the ex AP will make contact again. I read so many stories and it is so disheartening it does happen so often. It is an addiction in most cases.

I struggle to understand why he does it. AT the time when the affair started we were not close at all, I refused his willingness to have sex because I was EXHAUSTED from work and I wasn't feeling well. So I can somehow understand why he went to look for someone else, but today we are doing so well together, we are experiencing great emotions and feelings that I really don't understand what he is missing to make a decision once and for all.

As a friend who is also a therapist told me, he has too big wounds and he is too afraid to trust me completely because in my shoes he would have not even attempted to fix our marriage and he still cannot believe I decided to stay despite all. Honestly, this is the greatest love he has ever received in his entire life and I strongly believe he does not feel worthy of it and is afraid I am faking it.

Can you tell me how your husband came to terms with it? How did you feel about him?

[This message edited by Molly65 at 4:53 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

You're very understanding of your husband.

I can tell you love him a lot and want to stay with him. I can tell you still want to trust him.

I see why him still being in contact with the xAP bothers you. It would bother the hell outta me too.

And I understand the risk you run talking to him about it. If you tell him it bothers you... will he stop or will he find a different way that you don't know about to stay in touch?

I get it. I've been there. You aren't the only one to experience this shit.

What surprises me is that she got ditched and yet she continues to post "You are still my person, even if I am not yours" therefore she keeps stroking his ego... he is an idiot and so is she.

It is because he leads her to believe things very differently.

Honestly I have no idea what he might have said to her to believe things differently.

I guess when they broke up he tried to be gentle and might have said "You will always be in my heart and our hearts will be forever together" that is the only thing I can imagine he might have said. Surely he has not broken up saying "Don't ever get in touch with me, this is the last time we speak together, I will ignore all your messages"... But after all these years they should have both got over it.

NOTTHEVICTEM

How did you overcome this big sh**? What is the solution? He needs to WANT to leave her out of his life. If I oblige him, it is not a choice, and I don't want the OBEDIENT HUSBAND, he has always been the OBEDIENT SON and for me love is freedom, not obligation, violence. And I will never treat him like his parents did.

When I saw she had cancer and before seeing her photos he had told me, I am honest, I hoped she would die, because that would have been the real bereavement he would face.

I feel very embarrassed for hoping she would die, it is not like me, but all this situation has brought the best and the worst out of me.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 7:05 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

,

I refused his willingness to have sex because I was EXHAUSTED from work and I wasn't feeling well. So I can somehow understand why he went to look for someone else

You are not responsible for your husbands affair. He had other choices than to go out and betray you. This is an unmet needs fallacy. You said it right the first time - he was entitled, and selfish.

During these years I visited many affairs websites and in most of them they say that in 90% of cases the ex AP will make contact again. I read so many stories and it is so disheartening it does happen so often. It is an addiction in most cases.

I agree. I have been there. That’s why I understand this is not about your husbands guilt. This is because he still gets to have his ego stroked and have his marriage too. It’s exactly what he wants.

I struggle to understand why he does it.

No I don’t think you do. I think it sounds like you have a pretty good idea why he does it. You just wished he didn’t or wish you could accept it. It’s an unfair choice for him to put on you.

honestly, this is the greatest love he has ever received in his entire life and I strongly believe he does not feel worthy of it and is afraid I am faking it.

I don’t doubt that he doesn’t feel worthy of your love, but as long as he is keeping this woman in your life it’s because it’s true: he is not worthy of your love. I don’t think your husband knows this brand of love. He only knows how people make him feel. If he would dig in and do the right things he would feel better about himself and then he might find himself feeling more worthy. I think you excuse his behavior while abandoning yourself and I don’t want for you to continue to do that anymore.

Can you tell me how your husband came to terms with it? How did you feel about him?

I showed him consistency for a very long period of time. My affair was about seven years ago. He would never have done to terms with the man still being in my life, and rightfully so. I worked to earn him back and worked on myself, and he knows I would never allow that person or anyone else to be an interloper again. There was a lot of work done since that time.

We are happy, we are more authentic, we are healed, and we are in love with each other.

You have a right to have your husband just for yourself.

I guess when they broke up he tried to be gentle and might have said "You will always be in my heart and our hearts will be forever together" that is the only thing I can imagine he might have said. Surely he has not broken up saying "Don't ever get in touch with me, this is the last time we speak together, I will ignore all your messages"... But after all these years they should have both got over it.

The pull of addiction can’t subside or become less if they are still in contact with each other because withdrawal is never complete.

They would need to stay out of each others life long term with no contact. It’s like any other addiction. If you are an alcoholic and have a drink, then you have to start all over again and it’s even harder. It doesn’t even matter if they talk, contact is even looking at her Facebook page and seeing she is still holding the candle.

He may not be saying much to her but didn’t you say he tells her he still misses her? It might be she who said it to him. The addiction to him is the attention. As long as she is willingly giving it then he is getting what he needs out of it. I know it’s really senseless. But you seem to understand she was always a tool to get some of his escapist tendencies met.

Again, to be clear I don’t think he wants to truly be with her or he would. She left her husband he had the chance. But he has convinced her of something or she would not still be believing this years later. He needs to demonstrate that he is no longer listening by blocking her on everything.

His freedom should not come at the cost of your peace.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:20 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

HIKINGOUT

I really like the way you speak.

Just to be clear I NEVER EVER EVER thought the affair was my fault. NEVER! He made a choice and a very bad, selfish one that has badly hurt me when I really did not deserve it. In fact I strongly believe NOBODY DESERVES to be betrayed.

It is a horrible thing and I consider it a VIOLENCE, because a person's dignity and willingness to be in a monogamous relationship have been violated. If it were a physical violence you would never blame the person who suffered the beatings, therefore in an affair the betrayed person is NEVER AT FAULT.

I just wanted to specify that because that is what I said also to my husband. He made a choice and I am not to be blamed in any way or form. He had other ways to communicate his needs. He chose not to.

No, btw it is HER who wrote to him "Despite all I miss you"

[This message edited by Molly65 at 7:24 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Just to be clear I NEVER EVER EVER thought the affair was my fault. NEVER! He made a choice and a very bad, selfish one that has badly hurt me when I really did not deserve it. In fact I strongly believe NOBODY DESERVES to be betrayed.

I am glad you don’t feel that way. I said it because you said you weren’t giving him enough sex. That sounded like blaming yourself for not meeting his needs.

It is a horrible thing and I consider it a VIOLENCE, because a person's dignity and willingness to be in a monogamous relationship have been violated.

I recognize you are probably from a different culture than I am. So I realize how you are looking at some of this stuff may be a little different than me. But I think by him staying in contact with her that it’s keeping you from the way I would define monogamy. I think of it as he is still abusing you by not seeing the trauma he caused. Because if her were empathetic to that there is no way he would keep contact with her. You both need to block her. No contact means no new hurts. I think he has hurt you enough.

I recognize you are probably from a different culture than I am. So I realize how you are looking at some of this stuff may be a little different than me.

I am not sure it is a cultural thing. Nobody around me sees betrayal as a form of VIOLENCE, everybody seems to think of it as a very common thing that happens in couples, but I truly believe it is. If you think about it, it leaves a trauma, often people who are the victims of it display the same symptoms as PTSD and therapy is needed. Well, that's the result of a violence!!

However you are in the position of the WS and I doubt that you consider yourself a violent person, and probably in principle you are not, but hey ho, you have created a trauma in your husband, so it may be difficult to accept, but you used violence with him.

I am now very tired and may continue tomorrow, Thank you for dedicating your time to me. I have a tons of questions for you.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 7:53 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

How did you overcome this big sh**? What is the solution?

If there was an easy solution, forums like this and the others you've visited wouldn't exist.

If it did exist, someone would sell it somewhere and get rich quick.

So, no answer for that.

I can tell you what helped me out alot.

- exercise (this shit gets depressing, exercise helps fight that

- journaling (sometimes writing shit out really, really helps in hard to explain ways)

He needs to WANT to leave her out of his life.

Yup. And you can't make him.

If he doesn't wanna let her go, then he doesn't really wanna be with you.

I feel very embarrassed for hoping she would die, it is not like me, but all this situation has brought the best and the worst out of me.

Yeah, I don't think I understood hate before this happened. I knew what the definition of the word was. I could use it properly in a sentence.

But I didn't understand. I do now.

Nobody around me sees betrayal as a form of VIOLENCE, everybody seems to think of it as a very common thing that happens in couples, but I truly believe it is.

Oh yeah, if love is a battlefield, then cheating is the nuclear option.

‘’What surprises me is that she got ditched and yet she continues to post "You are still my person, even if I am not yours" therefore she keeps stroking his ego... he is an idiot and so is she.’’

This jumped out at me. If she has people stroking her ego on SM - this comment may be aimed at one or several men/women. It’s such a throw away, self obsessed line. Why couldn’t it be aimed at more than one person?

I found my husbands online AP second and third accounts (he hadn’t seen them ) they were under different names. Same shit but some similar lines from 5-6 years ago, long before they crossed paths. I am unsure if the AP was real or a scam artist but the accounts contained similar BS.

So maybe these comments are for several of her paramours? Not so Cryptic messages. A bit like horoscopes are vague and wishywashy to be relevant to all Virgo or scorpios? Maybe she is hoping Dave (or Bill or John) read it and send her kibbles. There is nothing to say she didn’t have more than one person on the go. Or more than one married man say it’s over.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 11:32 AM, Thursday, February 22nd]

I do also think that posting such nonsense in public places for the world to see gives them attention from friends/acquaintances/relatives AND other men who may think they have a chance of a shag/relationship. Some people are attracted to ladies who need rescuing. Her telling the world her heart is broken may be a way of saying she is single and needs male company. Therefore speeding up the next ego kibbles fix.

I am not sure it is a cultural thing. Nobody around me sees betrayal as a form of VIOLENCE, everybody seems to think of it as a very common thing that happens in couples, but I truly believe it is. If you think about it, it leaves a trauma, often people who are the victims of it display the same symptoms as PTSD and therapy is needed. Well, that's the result of a violence!!

You misunderstood. My cultural comment was in response to saying you needed to be in a monogamous marriage, and the ways I think you are justifying your husbands current behaviors. I understand he is not still having sex with her, so technically it is monogamous, but I feel his continued contact is till cheating and still abusive.

However you are in the position of the WS and I doubt that you consider yourself a violent person, and probably in principle you are not, but hey ho, you have created a trauma in your husband, so it may be difficult to accept, but you used violence with him.

No I believe what I did was abusive to him. And I also feel it was self abuse in some ways, but not the same kind of trauma as betrayal. But I am actually in position of both. He cheated on me afterwards, at a time I considered us well into reconciliation.

Some people are attracted to ladies who need rescuing. Her telling the world her heart is broken may be a way of saying she is single and needs male company.

Actually she is so desperate to have any attention that after my husband she had also a relationship with a woman. Honestly, she is anorexic, alcoholic, narcissist, full of tattoos (which my husband has always hated), she only wears high street labels (which my husband has always hated) so I really struggle to understand how this woman might have been attractive to my husband, what on earth is her charm? Yes, he needed transgression, he needed attention, he needed sex, but today he has all these things at home and god, how selfish he is.

The reason why I know that certain things are specifically written for my husband is because I know the date in which their affair started as my husband used that date for a while as a password and she wrote twice in different years a comment that was sooooo specific to them.

I guess she feels the total failure of her life. She had a husband and divorced. She probably wanted a family and she ended up with nobody looking after her during her cancer treatments. She had an AP whom she hoped to have a life with and he ditched her, she had a love story with a girlfriend and that didn't work either, so I guess all she wants is to push hard and continue to poke my husband and probably other people of both genders as long as they are in a relationship so she feels her slim victory over their partners (I know she is very competitive). Then she has followers, lots of males who comment on her posts and comment what a wonderful person she is, how brave and determined she is. Ah, she is not English but for some reasons she writes her posts in English and continues to make huge grammar and spelling mistakes, but she feels so clever...

[This message edited by Molly65 at 5:15 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

No I believe what I did was abusive to him. And I also feel it was self abuse in some ways, but not the same kind of trauma as betrayal. But I am actually in position of both. He cheated on me afterwards, at a time I considered us well into reconciliation.

OMG, why? You know my husband said to me "I wished you could try what it means to have an affair, only then you would fully understand how absorbed into it you become and how hard it is to let go" but I clearly said to him that is not a choice I want to make. If I felt I needed an affair I would ask my husband to split up. I can't imagine having a double life.

May I ask you what is keeping you together if during what seemed to be reconciliation he cheated on you? He wasn't very reconciled if he felt he wanted revenge.