SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You ask him to stop every contact (which I did!) and impose your will but expect him to grow resentment and to start hiding things from you and you will soon be in the same situation that led to the affair.

I think a person steeped in TA (as I am) would say instead something like:

You ask him to stop every contact, and if he doesn't you decide what you'll do.

Most of us would recommend dumping a WS who won't go NC. I believe I would. I know your WS might see a choice between NC or D as controlling, but it isn't. A request gives him a free choice. He makes his choice; then you do you.

Accept he is what he is and that despite showing you in every other aspect of your life his love, he just wants to keep her as a friend and especially with her cancer he wants to know how she is doing which is normal since she is not a stranger to him. He has clearly chosen you and your relationship has changed. There are things that can change and others that no matter what will take a lot longer and may not change at all. Accept it or flee.

I think what's missing here is the responsibility that belongs to your WS.

To heal - and to truly R - the WS needs to change from betrayer to good partner. That usually requires IC for the WS. Changing can be made easier by identifying measurable requirements for R. The big 4 requirements are NC, honesty (no more lies), transparency (keeping you informed, at basically all times, of activities, location, and companions), and IC for WS. MC and IC for BS are often requirements. Some of us have requirements specific to oneself - for example, my W had to arrange weekly dates for us.

You don't seem to require much from your WS, and that seems very dangerous. Being nicer to you without changing his mindset isn't something that's likely to last long term. I just think of the times before I retired that I was nicest to my bosses and co-workers ... which was when I was looking for a new job. It was easy to accept my unhappiness in a sitch when I knew it was for a limited time.

I'm not saying your H is biding his time before filing. I'm saying that being nice to you and meeting minimal requirements will get old unless he also changes his mindset.

Staying connected to ap is a giant obstacle to changing from cheater to good partner in most cases. Accepting his demand to remain connected puts you at risk.

R pretty much requires NC. He refuses NC. You have diametrically opposed views of the M you want.

If you dump him, you open yourself up to new opportunities that are closed to you if you stay M. Meanwhile, he can pull the plug whenever he sees a new object that's shiny enough. You might be better off taking the initiative and half your M assets.

The alternative - staying - requires you to stifle yourself. Is that how you want to live?

I suggest reading this thread: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/ - it's the first thread in the Divorce/Separation forum.

After many comments and the consideration that so many apps exist and so many websites like this exist to communicate and the spouse will never know about them, I am more and more convinced that all the people who claim their spouse is not in touch with the ex AP have NO GUARANTEE about that at all.

Well, yeah. In my own case, I know a lot more about how my W lies than I did before d-day. I'm staking my life on my ability to detect her lies because of my confidence in my ability to detect them - and in my ability to recover if I'm wrong.

Besides, for example, I wanted my W to desire (i.e., want sex with) me. Six months? Easy to fake, I thought. Thirteen years? Nah - she changed. That change, IMO, enables me to be sure enough that she's not cheating now and won't cheat in the future.

Right now you're following your H's lead, even though you know he's effed up (if he weren't, he'd have gone NC or he'd file for D). That might be the right strategy for you right now, but I hope you put your fear and uncertainty aside and consider the alternatives.

*****

I don't know if you know of the Transactional Analysis of Erich Berne, but for a relationship to work it needs to be based on adult-adult transactions.

 Remember, Berne died in 1970, and there's been a lot of development in TA since then. I think current followers would say that problem-solving requires Adult relating to Adult, but a relationship like M requires communicating Parent to Parent, Adult to Adult, and Child to Child (Parent to Child and Child to Parent, not so much).

Berne emphasized the Adult ego state because he was reportedly uncomfortable with feelings, according to the people I know who participated in Berne's social psychiatry seminars.

Oh and for what it’s worth, my husband and I don’t really check each others phone or whereabouts. We do operate under trust. But if there hasn’t been some treatment and consistent behavior or change, the wound would stay open. This is what we all believe is happening to you.

As you know well cheating is a horrible monster that trains well people to lie and not to feel empathy for the spouse

I don't think it was the affair that trained my husband to lie. I think it was his pre-existing tendency to avoid difficult conversations/conflict. The A was just a good way to put those "skills" to use. The fact that he's not avoiding difficult conversations now is actually an indication to me that he's actually made real changes.

They could be with other people on the elevator and then all the others get off and they are together alone and you will never know about it if he chooses not to tell you and frankly for me it is ridiculous after so many years to still expect him to tell you every time they meet.

Yes. In the early days, those are exactly the kinds of things that I feared, even though for logistical reasons that's incredibly unlikely. You don't know me, but trust me, I'm far from naïve. This is why I do not, under any circumstance, RECOMEND that anyone follow my steps - it absolutely made R more difficult. Like I said though, the fact that he's been ruthlessly transparent with me about all things small and big, consistently over time, has enabled to me to build trust that that is not the case. I appreciate it's not a guarantee - but I don't understand why you seem intent on arguing that just because my boundary does not guarantee no cheating, it somehow makes your refusal to set a boundary more reasonable. The fact that my husband could potentially be a cheating mastermind that has never made a single mistake/slip in the past 7 years, does not make your husband's actions here any more reasonable.

It is an OBSESSION AND AN ADDCITION and I have no idea if that was suggested by your "wonderful" therapist but to me it sounds like nonsense after so many years and demonstrates a total lack of trust and a desire of control. If it suits you, ok, but don't sell it as a healthy choice because it really isn't. The truth is you are terrified he could be meeting her on his own and I understand you, they are liars and we are putting our trust in someone who has already shown to us what they CAN do.

You are lashing out. It seems as though my comments have triggered you, and so I apologize for that. I have been in your shoes. I know it can be hard to hear criticisms about someone you love or your relationship. I assure you my intention in posting here was to be helpful rather than hurtful. You came here hurting and looking for reassurance/advice on ways to get comfortable accepting what I deem to be unacceptable, and my advice was to demand better. I maintain that staying together is not the same as R, and that continuing to make your wants/needs/requirements smaller in order to not rock the boat, is a recipe for not getting your needs met and is unlikely to result in the growth/change/empathy you're looking for. I assure you I am not obsessed, addicted or fearful though - at this point I've felt pretty healed for a while now. I only stick around because I know that when I was a new BS and hurting, it really helped me to hear the stories of those who had managed to R successfully. I'm happy with and proud of my current marriage. You do not need to believe me, and you certainly do not need to walk my path. Regardless of of what you choose, I truly wish you all the best as you try to navigate this. Infidelity sucks.

I am already worrying because in a year and a half we will go back to our city and they will have again POSSIBILITIES to meet, even if they are on different floors and they are not working together anymore. I know for example that my husband will be asked to go on a business trip to a city in Europe where I know that she travels often. It is in a year and a half but how will I ask my husband not to go on business trips there because I DON'T TRUST HIM FULLY and because I KNOW FOR SURE she does travel to that place, too? He caused all this with his choices!! If I become obsessive and prescriptive my husband will feel in a cage and will want to run away. So how do I deal with all that? It's been 4 and a half years from D day.

Thank you to whoever will suggest something that can put my mind to peace.

I can hear your anxiety, I’m sorry you find yourself here, so anxious and future focused and future-guessing. I’m sorry your husband continues to make bad and unsafe choices that don’t give you reassurance, closure nor earns him your trust.

It seems to me you have many more choices than the two your therapist outlined. Is this one - the one your therapist recommended, in which you are already obsessing about something that might happen 18 months hence, and spending much of your time monitoring your husband’s continuing contact with OW - proving successful for you?

I’m not sure which cultural background we are talking about here, and whether there is an element of machismo, or male status, to be protected that is at question when you voice your (or your therapist’s) anxieties about the possible effects of [your] control. Certainly control is a hard word that is used by many WS’s in the first throes of discovery, (and not usually a therapist), in kind of adolescent accusatory kickback of trying to continue to have their cake and eat it. (Except it is your husband who is doling out cake). But we are not talking control, we are talking boundaries. They are how YOU behave, not how another behaves. And with that, you actually have many choices. Boundaries are not control. They are simply you deciding how you want to be treated and how you don’t want to be treated. At the moment you are not yet clear on that but you do sound unhappy and already highly focused on the risks that you see without feeling you have any legitimate say in them. It feels very disempowered.

It sounds like you are getting your affairs in order, to become less financially dependent, and this seems really worthwhile, for your peace of mind. That is far more active and self caring than the rather passive and disempowered choice your therapist gave you. Ultimately, we are in charge on what we feel, and if you choose not to put in place the boundaries that might help you feel more in control of YOUR life, then the work, your work, will have to be to focus on both accepting the element of risk you outline and ultimately choosing to disregard it and try to live more in the here and now. The current situation seems to leave you constantly in risk assessment mode and that feels incredibly insecure and fretful. Have you taken any legal advice? Joined any women’s groups? Discussed a post-nuptial agreement? What other things can you do…for you? What would you rather he did… for you?

Molly, we can give you strategies on how to get out of infidelity, we can give your advice on setting and asserting your boundaries with your husband, but I think that I can speak for everyone on SI when I say that we can't-- or, on principle, refuse to-- give you advice on how to quietly cope with the fact that your husband is still maintaining a relationship with the OW. That's what we call "rugsweeping" (ie, sweeping dirt under a rug instead throwing it in the trash) and we don't advocate for that here.

There have been other members on this site who felt trapped in their marriages and were willing to put up with disrespect and broken no contact because the prospect of divorce was too frightening and they didn't want to give up their comfort and lifestyle. Many of these women ended up abandoned by their husbands for OW and/or their WHs got their OWs pregnant. Some are approaching their twilight years and are regretting the fact that they didn't move on when they were younger and had more opportunities for new beginnings.

After Dday #1, I forgave my husband let him continue working with his OW#1. My reward was Dday #2 with OW#2 (his ex-girlfriend). I was desperate to save our marriage, despite this second betrayal, and would've been willing to forgive him again... if he ended things and cut contact with her permanently. He refused.

That left me with 2 choices: stay and put up with it, or leave. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to live on my own at the time, so I had to move back into my old room at my parent's house. I felt like a complete loser at the time, but in the long run, it was the best decision I ever made. If I hadn't been willing to take a chance on myself, I would still be marred by infidelity and wouldn't have the life that I have now.

Again, I'm not telling you that divorce is your only or even your best option. By all means, stay and hope for the best. But I think you will feel much more empowered in your marriage and confident as a person if you planned and prepared for life without him, instead of making decisions from a place of fear and uncertainty.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:19 PM, Friday, February 23rd]

I am wondering if you have asked him about going no contact and what his response was? I mean, I think I assumed you asked but given your propensity to be afraid to be controlling, I have started to wonder if you have had the conversation and how that went?

An update

When I talked to my husband about the contact with her I said "Listen, unless she is completely an idiot, after all these years she wouldn't keep in touch had you created a wall between you. If she keeps in touch with sentences such as "Btw I miss you" is because she knows she can speak to you like that and because you obviously have given fuel for this nonsense. Are you very kind to her during your contacts? Why would she want to end her contacts when she knows you validate her and she validates you? The thing is by doing so you don't help her move on and you create distress to me. Who is really benefitting from all this? Do you realise how selfish this is?"

So he said I will try to be "less friendly"... wow!!

So for a long time I did not check his phone. But I did recently. The last contact is of six months ago, but they had a long conversation and she called him with a nickname they used during the relationship (I know because it was the background image of their chat) and he did the same to her, to which she responded with a heart, how exciting!! They spoke of her birthday party, the end of chemo and she said "I feel lonely". Now she is obviously still hoping he changes his mind. It is clear she really behaves like as a needy person and a needy person is never welcome and really desired. She has many "friends" on social media (I would say acquaintances) and she flirts with many men but she is feeling lonely now. She has realised she will never have a family, too old for children, hot flashes will start soon, she has had had a mastectomy. But speaking to my husband is a stroke to her ego (and a victory against me) and for my husband is exactly the same, he feels validated. They feed each other's ego. He even asked her if she regularly deletes his chat and she said she has kept everything, also the photos, so his ego had another big booster. It is like living with a spoiled child.

So it is very likely I have a narcissist husband, isn't it? The fact is I did not even cry about this discovery. I am disappointed and I know he is what he is, a poor idiot. If I had found out on D-day, I would have left him, without even considering the consequences of that decision. However I am looking at my life now and how it would be without him.

We have a great complicity, regular quality sex, very good quality time, we do lots of things together, we sleep in a hug, he writes or calls me several times a day and this has been going on for more than 4 years. He takes care of me when I am poorly, he ALWAYS cooks, he fixes everything around the house (he is an incredible handyman and has always been very talented at it), we have nice trips and holidays, I could take time off from work and I have my own small business now but he is mainly paying for everything.

During the affair it wasn't like that at all. The financial aspect has always been a blessing, though. But he was abrupt, he had no empathy about anything, he behaved as if I did not exist.

Yes, I wished my relationship were an exclusive relationship in all forms, that he behaved with me like I do with him, I don't flirt with anyone, however I am secretly in touch with a person whom I have never met, who helped me so much during my time of big difficulties in the middle of the crisis and my husband does not know anything about him (we are not flirting at all, we are just being helpful to each other) and he would be very shocked to find out I did not share this with him. SO at the end of the day I have my secrets and they are proper secrets.

I have many acquaintances who split up from their spouses and thought their life would improve. They are mainly women and since the end of their relationship they have had different men in their lives, they have never been happy again, always suspicious of their new partner's behaviours, always finding out something they did not expect, changed partner again and again and in the end they are and feel very lonely. Some are struggling with their finances (in my country alimony is becoming thinner and thinner)so at the moment I am just becoming aware my husband is not interested in a relationship of complete fidelity, they way I see it.

He is not having sex with anyone else, he doesn't say to anyone "I love you" but he is flirting still with that Fu****g B***h, he needs to feed his ego, but he does not desire to change his life and have her as a life partner, he is pretty content with our family. He just feels entitled to more flirting, to keep some memories alive, to feel there is another woman who puts him on a podium and makes him feel a hero and a great man, which he knows he isn't, to feel two women are competing for him.

AT this point for me I can live with that. I can just check every now and then that things are not going back to a proper affair and if they do, I have had a good life, full of comforts for a longer time. I honestly can't be bothered anymore about him, I am starting to look at what is more convenient for me and I swear, If I ever meet a man I am interested in, I would have no problem in starting a new life. The important is that he doesn't suspect I know what an idiot he is, that he feels safe and that his "weak" wife is "under control". For me being aware of all this is a great power I feel I have.

And I genuinely feel that all the betrayed people who trust their spouse only do because they don't want to dog deep as I did and are happy to believe they have they most honest spouse at their side. They are not sure, but they want to believe that. I wanted to believe it too, I dug, I kept my eyes open and I found out there can be major changes but whatever a person does not want to change, they are not changing.

Having an affair is feeling entitled and feeling a certain power over the spouse. I really feel it is nearly impossible to completely let go of this desire of power and of feeling entitled. So my advice to all of you is if you don't want to find out, don't dig too hard. If you do want to know, put hidden microphones in his car, put a hidden software in his phone and be aware they could have another phone you will never know about.

They are idiots, professional liars and as long as you know you are dealing with idiots, it is not a big problem. The big problem is when you believe all the bullshit they say.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 4:40 PM, Monday, February 26th]

I don't think it was the affair that trained my husband to lie. I think it was his pre-existing tendency to avoid difficult conversations/conflict. The A was just a good way to put those "skills" to use. The fact that he's not avoiding difficult conversations now is actually an indication to me that he's actually made real changes.

To be honest my husband did tell me that when he was little if he didn't want to be beaten up or ignored for days by his narcissistic parents, he understood if he lied they would leave him alone, so that's when he started. However in our relationship I really believe he didn't feel for many years the urge to lie to me, it surely came with the affair. He knows I am not like his horrible parents so the years of the affair made lies grow a lot, they were nearly daily practised and reinforced.

The thing is a relationship that is based on lies to another person makes it easy to bring lies to the new relationship as well and in fact from some conversations I saw between my husband and his ex mistress, he lied to her too.

AT this point for me I can live with that. I can just check every now and then that things are not going back to a proper affair and if they do, I have had a good life, full of comforts for a longer time. I honestly can't be bothered anymore about him, I am starting to look at what is more convenient for me and I swear, If I ever meet a man I am interested in, I would have no problem in starting a new life. The important is that he doesn't suspect I know what an idiot he is, that he feels safe and that his "weak" wife is "under control". For me being aware of all this is a great power I feel I have.

m

So let me get this straight, your WH is going to continue contact with the AP and any other women he wants and you are going to accept that level of disrespect? Sister, kindly, you’ve gotta find your badass bitch boots and use them to send his ass packing. He is just going to wait it out until you are less vigilant and he is going to right back at it, either with this AP or another one. People only change when they are forced to change and you staying in the marriage without any consequences from his affair is giving him a free pass to keep on cheating, which I cannot imagine you are fine with.

People only change when they are forced to change

This is where you are very WRONG. People change if they CHOOSE TO CHANGE. I can't force him to do a thing. However he changed in everything else, he is a new man, attentive, affectionate, caring, a good listener, he apologises when he is wrong etc. Plus I did not say he flirts with other women, only with her and it is happening two to three times a year.

May I ask you: What do you know of the behaviour of your spouse when they are not with you? You simply don't know, you just HOPE and TRUST she/he behaves properly. They could be flirting every day with multiple people and you would be in your bubble of trust for nothing.

At least I have some knowledge and that empowers me to decide about my life. And at the moment I have decided it is ok for me. The day I change my mind, I will make the best decision for me then. For now this is my best decision. And I deserve to have an easy life where paying for a medical check up is not a struggle, where going on holiday is not a struggle, where if I need something fixing in my home it is not going to cost me an arm and a leg. I have become selfish for the first time in my life and I am feeling ok with that. He is just paying me off for what he did and I deserve to live an easy life. I will not end up in poverty because I cannot bear the idea every six months he writes to the Fuc*** Bi**h.

Reading from her own words (and knowing she doesn't know I read her messages to my husband) that she feels lonely and feels like she failed all of her life is giving me pleasure. Although I still hope she finds a permanent partner she can be happy with, male or female, so she will leave my husband alone. Yes, because the FB had also a relationship with a woman after my husband (don't know if she was free or if she was in another relationship) and that didn't work either. So she is trying to inform my husband she feels lonely... poor idiot!

[This message edited by Molly65 at 7:35 PM, Monday, February 26th]

You are very correct, you cannot force your actively cheating WH to do anything or change. You never could, because we only have control over ourselves and our own actions. Listen, if you are willing to let him still chat with his AP, that is between you and your WH. What I am telling you is that it is 100% a recipe for him cheating again because he is still cheating. This forum’s goal is to see to it that people get out of infidelity and you are free to take whatever advice suits you and discard the rest, but you do so at your own peril.

Post infidelity and discovery, the balance of power in your marriage shifted greatly and I think based off your most recent response to me that things are still pretty raw emotionally and that you never let go of the outcome. Now, I’m sympathetic to losing the life that you’ve had, but there are other options here too. As the BS, Reconciliation should be for the most part on your terms, and without a doubt one of those terms should be to delete and block the AP on all platforms and methods. That means she can’t call you, text you, Snapchat you, etc etc. about the only way she should be able to reach you is through US Mail or showing up in person at your home.

You are right, I have no way of knowing without a shred of doubt that my BW/WW is remaining faithful. However, through her actions, not her words, but actions, my wife has been able to rebuild trust. If she cheats again, she knows where it goes for us and the same goes for me if I ever choose to stray again. Trust in our spouses never should’ve just been the default, a painful lesson that many a BS learns through this ugly journey.

Again, I get it, your concerns are valid and there is an option here where as a condition of reconciliation you get a post-nup in place that says if your WH cheats again and you are ready to divorce him that he has some penalty to breaking that contract. Maybe he gives up his claim to some money or he agrees to not split things 50:50 but towards a more favorable split for you. The1stWife did something like that and while post-nups may be a bit of a legal gray area, I think that might help you to alleviate the pull to stay with this cake eating bastard just so you have roof over your head and can afford medical care. I mean, it’s great that your WH is doing some of the things you listed, but those are just called being a good husband in most cases, except he is still actively cheating.

You are right, I have no way of knowing without a shred of doubt that my BW/WW is remaining faithful. However, through her actions, not her words, but actions, my wife has been able to rebuild trust.

Honestly I see a lot of anger in you and I am sorry, I did not mean to trigger it. All I am saying is that I am sure a person who has disrespected you and had no empathy for you, hence they cheated, can become "cleverer" and continue to be in touch with the ex affair partner and you will never know. It is a possibility you cannot and should not exclude.

This doesn't mean that they don't change in any way. Some people can make 20 types of changes and others only 8. MY husband has shown me with his behaviour, not only with his words, that he was able to embrace a lot of changes. However he still has occasional contact with the FB. If you consider that as ACTIVE CHEATING, that is YOUR definition. For me ACTIVE cheating is what he used to do. I am obviously not 100% happy he has occasional contact with her, but I guess if a spouse wished 30 changes in their cheater and they are able to change in 5 things only, they would be disappointed anyway, even if the active cheating stopped. So I am in a position where if I hadn't done DEEEP DIGGING, I would be saying to everyone that my husband has made incredible changes and his behaviour shows me he is worthy of all my trust.

That unfortunately isn't he case, but at least I am not telling myself fibs because I did big digging of his phone when he was not expecting it at all (for once I lied and I told him it was something he should respond to with his conscience and I would not check anymore, I lied!). I am coming to terms that that's who he is. A STUBBORN man who has made many changes and still needs to make one big change, stop contacting that FB. Would I be a clever woman for giving u and throwing in the bin all the other changes (which are actions, not words only) I have seen? Frankly I would be stupid. So I am playing my cards, especially the card of being aware of the person he is, so that I am not a believer in a saint, and I claim to everybody that he is doing all the things I asked him to, but I can see a man who is weak and cannot change in everything I wished he did. WE are not perfect, are we? So that's what he is, an imperfect human being. It is so much easier to stay with a person who corresponds to all the things we desire, but it seems a much bigger love to accept he is what he is and still not give him a a big kick in the ass.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 8:26 PM, Monday, February 26th]

Honestly I see a lot of anger in you and I am sorry, I did not mean to trigger it. All I am saying is that I am sure a person who has disrespected you and had no empathy for you, hence they cheated, can become "cleverer" and continue to be in touch with the ex affair partner and you will never know. It is a possibility you cannot and should not exclude.
This doesn't mean that they don't change in any way. Some people can make 20 types of changes and others only 8. MY husband has shown me with his behaviour that he was able to embrace a lot of changes. However he still has occasional contact with the FB. If you consider that as ACTIVE CHEATING, that is YOUR definition. For me ACTIVE cheating is what he used to do. I am obviously not 100% happy he has occasional contact with her, but I guess if a spouse wished 30 changes in their cheater and they are able to change in 5 things only, they would be disappointed anyway, even if the active cheating stopped. So I am in a position where if I hadn't done DEEEP DIGGING, I would be saying to everyone that my husband has made incredible changes and his behaviour shows me he is worthy of all my trust.
That unfortunately isn't he case, but at least I am not telling myself fibs because I did big digging of his phone when he was not expecting it at all. I am coming to terms that that's who he is. A STUBBORN man who has made many changes and still needs to make one big change, stop contacting that FB. Would I be a clever woman for giving u and throwing in the bin all the other changes (which are actions, not words only) I have seen? Frankly I would be stupid. So I am playing my cards, especially the card of being aware of the person he is, so that I am not a believer in a saint, and I claim to everybody that he is doing all the things I asked him to, but I can see a man who is weak and cannot change in everything I wished he did. WE are not perfect, are we? So that's what he is, an imperfect human being.

I’m not angry at all. You choose to try and make it about my journey, which I have no issue talking about. I’m trying to encourage you to stop giving away your power and co-signing on your husband’s continued affair, because I’ve been down the road personally and many others here as well. The reason him being in contact with the AP as active affair because he is still actively talking to her and keeping secrets of his affair with her from you. He is still holding space for her in his world. The journey through R is not for the faint of heart, it’s a roller coaster as we call it. The next time you guys have a tough day or a bad week, which will happen, he will confide in her something he shouldn’t and away they go back down the EA road and PA road because the affair has never ended, it’s just gone onto the back burner. Almost every recovery experts agrees that continued contact is continuing the affair, because it’s like telling an addict that they can use their drug of choice here and there just to cope and it’s fine….no it’s not, it may be fine for a little while but pretty soon they are right back there.

Your WH is not a candidate for R if he is still in contact with the AP and that is what we are telling you. What is happening now is your WH has a wife at home who provides for many of his needs, but he has his AP over here pining for him, sending him damsel in distress messages that eventually are going to lead him to act. If he can’t see that continued contact with her is hurting you, than he isn’t a good candidate for R. At the end of the day, it’s your life and we are here to support you through the worst parts of the infidelity journey, if you are happy with the current arrangement, I got no beef, but you wouldn’t have come here asking about this topic if it wasn’t a major sticking point. It is okay to say that you don’t want your life to have to be completely uprooted because of your WH’a affair, because it isn’t fair to you since you weren’t responsible nor involved and at the same time hate everything he did and want him to fix it.

As I explained I am not worried for now because they can only keep in touch (three times a year is not how often he did when the affair was active, they were obsessed with one another). My concern is if in a year and a half he talks about going on business trips to places where I know the FB goes. So I am sorry but you have not understood well my present situation. My concern is for the future. I strongly believe I will have a big conversation with him when we move back and will let him know I am aware of him keeping in touch and how that hurts me and that he will NOT GO ON a business trip to a place where I know she goes (I will lie and tell him "someone " tell me where she goes, but will not say who- It is her with all her daily updates on the social media). He put himself in a stupid position and I don't care what he says to his bosses, but he will not go. For now it is premature and it can well be they do not wish more contacts or maybe she finds a partner she deeply falls in love with or even dies since she has had a mastectomy and has had cancer. We'll see. As I said this is my decision now and if I need a different one, I will make a more suitable one. For now I enjoy what I have. I will dig my heels in the future, not now.

[This message edited by Molly65 at 8:40 PM, Monday, February 26th]

As I explained I am not worried for now because they can only keep in touch (three times a year is not how often he did when the affair was active, they were obsessed with one another). My concern is if in a year and a half he talks about going on business trips to places where I know the FB goes. So I am sorry but you have not understood well my present situation. My concern is for the future.

To use yet another analogy, would you wait until a downpour to fix a massive hole in your roof? Or would you try to get it fixed while the weather is still nice?

Infidelity is a form of abuse. Continuing contact, is continued abuse.

I don't know if you have a narcissistic husband. But he is disrespectful,and cares more about keeping a window open for her, than making your marriage secure.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:06 PM, Monday, February 26th]

You would think it would be common sense and decency to realize how disrespectful it is to have contact with an xAP. Your WS has a lack of respect towards your M in regards to this and it makes it shameful. Personally I wouldn't/couldn't tolerate it unless what you have is a marriage of convenience and only then does it make sense.

Hi, Molly, gently, you came here for advice about continued contact with AP. Obviously it hurts you, it's total disrespect for your marriage, so many here have given advice and you are pretty much back to square one.....accepting that your husband continues contact with the AP.

I've read through just about this entire thread and I cannot recall one member here thinking continued contact is acceptable. Period. You are defending the position you came here to resolve.

WHY?

You said you won't require that he completely break all contact with her,because then he will resent you.

He will resent you,for asking him to no longer speak to someone who caused you great harm? Why?

Don't you resent him, for continuing contact?

Why are his feelings more important than yours?

What exactly is a proper secret in a relationship? Are there some rules I am not aware of that make it ok? The "Not Just Friends" book I read skipped over that part.

however I am secretly in touch with a person whom I have never met, who helped me so much during my time of big difficulties in the middle of the crisis and my husband does not know anything about him (we are not flirting at all, we are just being helpful to each other) and he would be very shocked to find out I did not share this with him. SO at the end of the day I have my secrets and they are proper secrets