SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to sound like a ridiculous story, especially because I haven't been with my WP as long as many of you have been married. But the pain cuts deeply.

A brief background on me (33F): I've experienced intense trauma ever since my first memories, my childhood and adolescence. I was also forced to get married to a stranger who was very abusive for 10 years, from where I have kids. So almost 30 years of my life we're extremely difficult and it's no surprise I'm diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Anxiety. I had suicidal ideation as early as 12 due to my abusive household. It's strange, but I always thought I was either super unlovable like people told me, or that one day things would finally get better in my life and I'd finally feel loved by someone.

I have deep scars that sort of show themselves the more you get to know me. I secretly made some friends who gave me the emotional support, financial knowledge, etc that I needed to help me escape from my abusive marriage with my kids. One of those friends, I grew close to. We eventually got together, but he didn't want to label us as girlfriend and boyfriend for a while. 3 years later, he broke up with me saying he wanted to settle down and didn't see himself with me, or being a stepdad. We were each other's best friends and had some really good moments together, so we decided to continue our friendship platonically.

After about eight months, he said he wanted to go all in with me and no one holds a match to me in comparison, and he wants to grow old together. I had dated casually during the 8 month "break", but I was always hoping he would want to get back together. I loved him since the beginning of our relationship so when he said this, I was scared it was too good to be true. He asked me if he can start getting to know my kids. (Their dad isn't in their lives, so I was very protective about them meeting anyone unless it was end game.) We started doing hangouts with the kids and things were going perfectly. We spent the best Christmas together as a family (2022), where he took the kids out to stores to buy me my first Christmas gifts. It was magical and I was so happy. I never thought I would ever have a relationship where I felt so supported and loved (through his actions). He had trouble saying he loved me as he had never said it - even when he was all in. It hurts my feelings, but I understood he moves at the speed of a turtle with some things.

Five months later, we were moved in together and discussing getting married and having a baby. Ever since he was "all in", it was like a whole new relationship. He wanted to short list a set of names we could name our future baby. He stepped in as a father figure and my kids warmed up to him quickly, even my preteen who started saying he loves WP after a month of living together and proudly introduces WP as his stepdad to his teachers and friends.

DDay was in June 2023, he offered to drive 45minutes back home just to put his password into his computer because he didn't want to tell me what it was, which was bizarre. He's always been private about his stuff so I didn't think much of it. He had even logged into his account on my phone the month I moved in(March), but I never bothered to snoop or check it. That's how stupid I was / how much I trusted him. I found out he had alternative social medias, and was active on dating apps, sexting everyone under the sun. The last time the apps were accessed was April 1st. I spent the entire night crying. The next day, when he came home, I confronted him in a calm manner. He listened quietly and apologized saying he had no excuse and he's really sorry. We waited until the weekend to discuss it further. He didn't openly disclose anything when I requested everything to be laid out clearly on what he did. He admitted to the things I had found out, but never was forthcoming about anything (except the fact that he's been doing this since he was like 18 years old, including every relationship he's been in). I asked to see his phone, which was surprisingly clean, except for things he overlooked when he was cleaning out evidence. I found out after our perfect Christmas together in 2022, he was trying to pay for a woman's Uber to come to his house to fuck him. The payment went through, and I will never know if she ever came. He claims she just stole his money and never came, but the Ring doorbell doesn't go that far back so I can't confirm. He also was looking up every partially clothed Instagram influencer you can imagine. Even DMing some of them gross shit (think: the comments section from desperate, lonely men in porn videos). He was also on Reddit NSFW threads where women post nudes, commenting gross stuff. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was also messaging people we know and people who recently quit at his work, flirting with them, leaving the door open for them to come onto him, and omitting my existence. I realized that's why he never posted about us on any of his social medias because the girls he was trying to fuck, were on his friends list, and he wanted to appear single to everyone. He also was obsessively going to our mutual friends facebooks to masterbate to their pictures. He would also search for our pretty waitress who served us during dinner, to oggle (and probably masterbate) to her pictures. He also would heavily sext his childhood friend who lived an hour away. I thought he was lying when he said they never met up, but then two months later, I found out it's because she's married! I couldn't believe he continued with this woman, knowing they had a kid and were committed. I messaged her husband to let him know.

The logical side of me knows he has deep rooted issues. An actual problem that needs professional help that spanned for decades and relationships. But that logical side is usually never the one in control anymore.

I was broken in every way possible. It shattered me. My self worth has been unraveled. I got confirmation I wasn't worth loving, that I wasn't good enough, just like I wasn't good enough for anyone else in my life before him. I made him my number 1, but I was his second place while he wanted more. I know it hasn't been a year yet, but I hate the person I've become. I'm triggered by everything. I'm skeptical of everything he says. He was doing these things, while planning a wedding, asking me to go ring shopping, and picking baby names - how can I ever trust him again. Reconciliation has been me asking for things, and him obliging for the most part - no phones in bed, no porn, a restriction on messaging women unless they're approved first (legit platonic friends), etc. I asked for him to go to therapy and he hasn't. I have been distant recently, so he finally made an appointment this week (we'll see how that goes). But I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling insecure and bitter. I'm sad I wasn't worth an "I love you" until after DDay, so now it feels tainted, like he only said it to save our relationship.

I don't know what to do. I just want to be normal again, not paranoid. Not checking things randomly. Not constantly checking his location and browser history. I only told one friend last weekend, and she immediately said Do not get married and do not have a baby, no matter what. I'm so sad. I thought this was my chance at having a normal life and try to heal from my past trauma. I thought life was safe now. And it's not only that I love him, it's also that I love his family. It's an incredibly large family and every one of them is so supportive and loving towards me. And I really crave that type of family dynamic since I missed out on it as a child and teen. Even as an adult, I really crave those familial relationships.

Do you have any advice? I'm sorry I know it was long.

Hi Restless,

Welcome to SI. I’m so sorry you find yourself here and in these circumstances.

Your story is a little hard to follow, but I think I have the gist. You have had a tough life and you had believed this man was your ticket to happiness. Despite him dicking you around in the past and demonstrating some issues with commitment, he had seemed to have finally committed and you had been happier than you’d ever been for a short period of time and were planning a future together when you found out he had cheated. With a little unravelling you have discovered that his issues with cheating, porn, sex, and acting out are EXTENSIVE, have been going on your entire relationship, and his entire adult life.

The logical side of me knows he has deep rooted issues. An actual problem that needs professional help that spanned for decades and relationships.

Please please please listen to to your logical side. She is correct. This man is not a safe person or partner, he has NEVER been one. The level of disorder here is probably pathological and is likely far beyond the pay grade of anyone here (and trust me, we have seen some STUFF). He is so far from safe that he wouldn’t recognize what safe looked like if it bit him in the butt.

Unfortunately, and please know that I say this so gently and with so much love, he probably chose you because your past likely means that you YOU are so not used to what normal and healthy looks like in a relationship. This has probably made you the only person he’s have been able to make it this far with. Please know that this(or anything else) does not make it your fault. This is all him. But the fact that you do not come from a background of healthy makes you the very last person in the world who is in any way qualified t try to help him through this.

I get it, you love him and your heart is utterly and completely shattered. You probably have never felt this obliterated and the idea of not having him too, makes it FEEL worse. You want so desperately for this to work that you are considering trying to see if working out is possible. You are not ready to let go of the happy family dream you had pictured in your heart. You are coming here because you desperately want to hear even one person say that it might be possible. Its not. You may love him, he may even love you (if he has an idea at all what real love actually is), BUT LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH- not even close.

I won’t sit here and say that once a cheater always a cheater. I am someone who managed to reconcile with a spouse who had an affair, I know change is possible in some cases. But a one time affair that occurred in very specific circumstances on a backdrop of 10 years of an otherwise healthy relationship, free of lies and cheating, is a totally different beast than trying to rebuild a person and a relationship that has NEVER been healthy ever. Someone who is always cheated is different than a one-time cheater who demonstrates real remorse, people can only change so much.

You have kids who need to be protected. They are watching and learning from you. They will model their relationships and have expectations of their partners based on what they see you doing. I know you would want better for them than this. Please be the one that breaks that cycle. If not for them, then for you.

You deserve so much better than this. You really do. You are young, and have lots of time. Leaving him will hurt you (breakups HURT- but it is the only way to guarantee better for yourself - ma’am the bar is low). Do not waste the rest of your childbearing years being a warden for a deeply damaged person who is bound to disappoint you. Listen to your friend, do NOT get pregnant with this person. He has manipulated you so much this far, by stringing you along, by giving you scraps, by only committing when he was afraid of losing you, and then refusing to tell you he loved you when he was afraid again of losing you. Do not let him manipulate you into a person who will tie you to him forever.

You deserve a partner, not a project. You cannot fix him.

Hello, new friend, sorry you had to find us, glad to meet you anyway.

I think emergent has excellent advice for you. I’ll just back her up, this guy sounds like really bad news. If you look up in the General forum we are talking about what we might have done different before we got married. I know it’s too late for you to avoid getting your heart broken and betrayed, and I’m so sorry for that, but this is a huge wake up call for you before you further tie your life up with this broken man.

Just don’t do it. You’d be signing up for no less than many years of heart ache, and very possibly a lifetime of it. Best advice I’ve got for you given what you’ve shared. I hope for the best for you.

this might be good to post in just found out forum.

Hi Restlessnbroken,

So sorry that you've had to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts at the top and some with bullseye icons that I suggest you read. The Healing Library has a lot of information, including the list of acronyms we use. Please read the one about Before You Reconcile - Recover. It's important that you take time to heal you. IC (Individual Counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

It sounds like you've had a very tough beginning. Do you want to know what else sucks? Some people prey on those with your type of upbringing because you've become conditioned to abuse. They can continue to abuse you and you will accept it because that's what you know. BTDT, got the T-shirt. Dr. Ramani has YouTube videos on overcoming narcissistic abuse that are helpful in explaining some of the issues in a way that's easy to understand. In one video, she explained some of the brain chemistry behind some of it, and some of this scrambles your brain and you literally can't think. So...that part can be normal. FWIW, I thought suicidal ideation was normal at that age. My sister & I thought about suicide from about that age. I was too scared to follow through.

With infidelity, the self-esteem does take a hit. When you start to think and process, you'll find that the cheating wasn't because you are unlovable but because of the moral deficits of your WBF (wayward boyfriend). I mean, Adam Levine's wife is a Victoria Secret underwear model and he cheated on her. Look at Jennifer Anniston, Halle Berry, Shakira, Miley Cyrus. Were all of them unlovable? Doubtful, but they were all victims of infidelity.

You know that he had sex with Uber chick. Because he's been unfaithful, please get tested for STDs/STIs. Please speak to your doctor about the possibility of upping your meds until your emotions regulate a little bit, then taper back down when you're ready.

You do deserve to be loved by someone and that someone is YOU. Please find some I AM affirmations on YouTube and do them every day. Pick one that resonates with you and do it every day. It sounds a little silly, but it can really help.

Gently, this guy is really bad news. I am so sorry he has hurt you and deceived you.
But now you know the true him - the one who is creepy and pervy and unable to love anyone.
You need to protect yourself and your kids from him.

You ARE lovable, valuable, worthy. Get a good IC to help you see this. Until you believe it, just remember you are the role model for your kids and you need to show them that all of you are worth more than he give. (And if you have a daughter, I hope you really see that you need show her that you should never put up with this kind of betrayal.)

Sending you strength and a big virtual (hug).

Listen to your friend. She is right.

My self worth has been unraveled. I got confirmation I wasn't worth loving, that I wasn't good enough, just like I wasn't good enough for anyone else in my life before him.

Sending you hugs and support and your story is not ridiculous. You have been deeply hurt and deceived by someone you loved and trusted. Forgive yourself for being loving and trusting. I highlighted your words to say this is the deepest tap root of my sorrow, and only through therapy and EMDR did I come to realize that the pain and devastation I was feeling in the wake of infidelity was being weighed down by some serious childhood issues of feeling unloved, unworthy, insignificant, all that baggage. That past emotional baggage was dragging me down and affecting how I was handling my current problems. I could not think straight, or even find a way to believe that I mattered, or was worthy. My IC did EMDR sessions to help me break the chains of those overwhelming emotions and untruths I had carried my entire life. I still think a lot of those sad things sometimes, but the emotional pain is gone, it is more just an observation of how my inner child was neglected and not offered the love she deserved.

You’ve been through so much, more than I can imagine and I hope you can understand that you are enough, you are good enough, and maybe you created a mythology, like I did, that I had finally found the one person who loved me for me, who always had my back, the one I could trust. It’s pretty lonely to learn how wrong that was too, but I also now know that there are lots of things in my life that I can trust, and the love I have for my children and them for me is at the top of the list. They are the best thing to come out of the debacle that my marriage has become.

I am sending you hope and strength for the journey and want you to keep reaching out for help, to cut this dangerous man out of your life, to rally around yourself and your kids and know that you are good enough, you are all you need and you will find yourself again, after you work through the shock and trauma of betrayal. I began to hate myself for a while because I could not control my emotions, I could not control my reactions and I certainly couldn’t control my WH. I began a lot of negative self talk, and that is the last thing anyone needs when trying to recover from intimate betrayal. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. And I know it doesn’t help right now, but this will get easier, you will realize how strong and resilient you are and you wlll be OK. Make it a goal to be ok, and a bigger goal to stop beating yourself up. You did nothing wrong here, you are a victim, and he is the worst, insinuating himself into the lives of your children with such a dark underground life. Thank goodness you found out sooner rather than later.

Don’t forget to read the resources here, and when you are ready, Living and Loving after Betrayal by Dr. Stosny is a great book that helped me to reframe a lot of the negative self talk, and to focus on myself and my core values. There are online videos and lots of resources to help you understand that none of this is your fault or a reflection on you. I think a lot about something my first IC said to me: A great wrong has been done to you. It is not your fault and it will take time and work to heal. A great wrong has been done to you too. Take care.

Similar situation as yours regarding the betrayals but not quite to your partners extent. All I can say is do not marry this person. If you want to work things out, separate and he needs therapy ASAP, I recommend therapy for you as well. His behavior cannot just stop overnight, even if he deletes all his accounts, temptation like that is literally everywhere. My WH found it on youtube and whatever else he had access too.

You are not alone and but most importantly his issues are not because of you. You are lovable and are good enough. If you cannot leave, please do the 180. I did that and even if mine didn't last long, it certainly allowed me so much time and space to learn I am good enough and I was able to heal the parts that my WH broke.