SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You can tell her you need her complete itinerary for the trip, along with all of her passwords for all of her accounts and social media and location sharing. Any time she’s not in a meeting she should have you on FaceTime. Including leaving on all night, because that’s where your trust level is with her right now.

If she refuses, consider surprising her with all of her crap moved out of the marital bedroom upon her return.

I think you should hire a PI in the area where she is and have him tail her. They could probably get something if anything is happening. Conferences can be crashed by randos if they're clever enough.

Well I just hired a PI. I can't believe this is happening, this woman reduced me to this.

I'm really hopeful they can get some evidence - even just proving that the guy is there.

I also talked to a divorce attorney about anything I can do for now, because I'm not worried about much but I am scared to death that she would eventually want to move away with this guy and take my kid.

Do not tell your wife you messaged his wife. She will tell him,and he will intercept that message. Or, he will tell her you're abusive, jealous, and accussing all of your wife's male acquaintances of having an affair with your wife.

The PI can find his wife's number. Then call her and have a conversation with her.

Also..if telling your wife's affair partner's spouse causes issues in your marriage, reconciliation was never a real possibility.

I'm definitely not telling my spouse about contacting OBS. Good thinking about the PI - I'll ask them too.

So far, OBS has not seen my messages so who knows. I emailed her work email as well, just said it's about her husband, it's concerning both of our families, and please do not tell husband I messaged you until we chat.

I'm struggling so hard not to tell my WS that I'm onto her. I know she's breaking my heart right now today, and I want to send her:

I hope you can respect me enough as a person and as XXX father to at least stop the lying. I can see you're making your decision right now, today, and I can't stop that.

It may feel to you like you're just having fun, harmless because no one knows. But it's wrecking lives, and it's a choice you're making.

If you want things to even be amicable going forward, I'd suggest you stop hiding things and lying. I, and we, deserve at least that much.

Never beg for the truth,or to be treated right.

You want to approach this in a way that makes you look strong.

Set absolute requirements for her to agree to..and make sure she knows this is only for you to consider attempting reconciliation.

NC. Complete honesty. Complete timeline. All of your questions answered without anger or defensiveness. Zero blame. A new job. Drops any friends who knew.

The men who are more aggressive, in the beginning, tend to have a ww who understands they won't tolerate one more minute of bullshit.

Another reason not to tell your wife you contacted his wife..she's supposed to have zero contact with him. So, if she says anything to you, you know they're still in the affair.

I'm sorry you had to find us. No one knows whether you will D or R, but I think we can all agree that you can survive and thrive either way.

My reco is to start by figuring out whether you want to R or D. If R looks attractive, figure out what conditions are necessary for choosing R, then figure out if your W will meet them.

A few random thoughts ...

1) If your W is on a trip with her ap, she's probably in bed with him. That may or may not be a deal killer for you. What's important is facing the fact that she may be fucking him. If that's a deal killer, so be it. No one will 2nd guess you, and if anyone does, it's irrelevant. At the same time, if it's not a deal killer, so be it. Some people might argue with you, but that's irrelevant, too. You have to live your life, and that means you have to make your own decisions.

2) Figure out your requirements for R. Common ones are: no more lies, ever, about anything; 2) answers all questions; NC - No contact with ap, even if it means finding a new job quickly (fortunately, the job market is pretty good right now); Transparency - she keeps you informed of activities, location, and companions at virtually all times, and hse opens up her media to you without limit (within the limits of her job requirements); IC/therapy for her with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner; MC if either of you want it (IC for her first); IC/therapy for you - this is traumatic, so finding help for yourself may be a very good idea. You may have some specific requirements, like replacing her car if om has been in it (my W had sex in her car, so I dumped it).

3) Once I had my requirements, I laid them out for my W, and she signed on. If she hadn't, R would never have started. (If she hadn't met the requirements, R would have morphed to D.)

4) R needs to be voluntary. It takes a lot of work, and if your W can blame you for 'making' her do the work, it'll be too easy to blame you and build up anger. My reco is: do not manipulate her into R.

None of the above is relevant if you decide you want D.

Above all, have faith in yourself to heal, to survive, and to thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:33 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

Messaging the OBS, talking to an attorney, hiring a PI. All good things. You won’t regret pulling the trigger on those things now. Your WW gets back tomorrow? Have you been talking to her on the phone at all or just text messages?

Once I had my requirements, I laid them out for my W, and she signed on. If she hadn't, R would never have started. (If she hadn't met the requirements, R would have morphed to D.)

Sisoon when did you do this? Shortly after finding out? Or at what point?

Legatus, I've only been talking via messaging this week. She video chatted a couple days ago but it was more just to say hi to our kid.

Can't speak to sisoon. I didn't have a written agreement for R until a year after DDay and I asked for a divorce in writing.

Hi, Alphabet, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Kudos to you for trying to contact the OM wife. If you know her place of business, perhaps you can try to call her directly. If you do, be gentle.

I'm almost 19 years out from my WH affair, I was pretty much on the quiet side, but his affair sparked a fire in me I didn't realize I had. Maybe it was the shock in the beginning, but I told my WH in no uncertain terms what had to be done. Actually he dumped OW on D-Day without my knowledge, I found out the next day. I guess he was afraid of the consequences at their place of employment.

Several things I required right from the start, No Contact, access to everything including his phone, work emails, voicemails, accountability for his whereabouts. Total transparency and he acquiesced.

I also requested he halt most of his work travel, which he did, and the trips he had to go on, I went with him with the exception of two over a 6 month period. He also found a new job as he knew he could no longer do his job to the best of his ability.

Whatever you do, find the courage to stand up for yourself, stay calm, and never, ever reveal your sources.

You will get through what feels like a nightmare to you, one day at a time, one hour at a time if necessary.

Edited to add: The spouse of my husband's affair partner found out about the affair while it was still an emotional one. He did not inform me, confronted his wife and my husband, they both assured him the affair was over. A month later she was in my husband's hotel room. I wish the other BS let me know what was happening, I was very resentful toward him when I found out he was aware of the emotional side. Anyhow, after I discovered the affair, I told the OW either she tell her husband what happened, or I would. She did.

[This message edited by annb at 9:34 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

Once again:
Elaborate on one thing: If he’s 1500 miles away then is there a reason he was in her car? Do you know he was in your area? Something his wife could confirm… I think avoiding confrontation is the bane of mental health. I think you are better off confronting her NOW. Who knows, maybe there is another reason for why her car tried to log his phone… maybe it’s an old burner she uses to communicate with him. Not good, but better than an actual physical presence.

Hi Bigger, he was in town at the same place she had a work trip. They were in her car. Hurts.

So, a big day for me - not in a good way.

Confirmed that my WS and the AP are both registered guests at the same hotel, and they're not working.

I got in touch with OBS! She seems like a wonderful woman and it honestly makes this whole situation even worse and more confusing.

She is already separated, because she had confronted him about this affair and his midlife crisis etc., and he eventually moved out. He always denied the affair with mt WS was physical. But the OBS says she wasn't dumb, and found evidence of their inappropriate actions.

She also had some information that confirms my WS was lying to me about an event 5 months ago, where they obviously met up.

I messaged my WS and basically said I know she's there with him, and to leave US. She's made her decision.

At the beginning when I had just found out the anxiety and stress were just enormous. Long, long walks helped. Having to pay attention to my surroundings helped take at least part of my mind off things.

I’m so sorry.

Think about who you can count on for support for you and let them know what’s going on.

Thank you. I like the walks idea.

I'm absolutely shattered. I'm sitting here playing with our 4yo son. And at the exact same time, she's kissing this other man at a fancy dinner where they can live this fantasy (no spouses, kids, jobs, no one will know...).

The OBS sent me pics. She actually sent a person there to find them. So I'm seeing photos of them together right now as we speak.

OBS says he ignored her texts. She told AP he should send her (my WS) home and end it. No reply.

Make triple backups of those pics.
Maybe txt her one. She’ll wonder how you got those and wonder what else you know. Might even put a damper on her night.

Thank you. I like the walks idea.

I'm absolutely shattered. I'm sitting here playing with our 4yo son. And at the exact same time, she's kissing this other man at a fancy dinner where they can live this fantasy (no spouses, kids, jobs, no one will know...).

The OBS sent me pics. She actually sent a person there to find them. So I'm seeing photos of them together right now as we speak.

OBS says he ignored her texts. She told AP he should send her (my WS) home and end it. No reply.

I'm so sorry this is happening. That you told her what you suspected and she went and did it anyway is the ultimate disrespect and downright abusive. You would naturally feel angry and hurt, as anyone would.

The one thing you can't do is to take any responsibility for what she's doing. She's a broken, vile person. You're a good person and don't deserve what is happening.

Gently, though, some of your earlier comments make you sound like you're conflict avoidant. You need to let that go. You can't worry about her actions, only yours. Be sure to get a good lawyer and follow their advice. Never be abusive, but be firm and move through this. She is a liar and cannot be trusted. Do not trust anything she says right now.

Treat her like an enemy to you and your son.

Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 3:18 AM, Saturday, March 23rd]