SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t done much "research" regarding this, but do you think there could be a potential link between the two? Long story short, my WH watched porn in excessive amounts starting approximately a year before the A started. He told me that because our sex life diminished to practically nothing he was sexually frustrated and would watch porn any chance he could. He said it got to the point where he wasn’t even doing anything with it anymore and that he was just scrolling through it to scroll - kinda like how I scroll through social media. He knew it was gross and disgusting, said he wanted to stop but he couldn’t/didn’t know how.

In therapy it has been brought up as a coping mechanism? Not 100% what that means, but is something that will be talked about more in depth.

On a happy note (it is Thankful Thursday after all), my WH has not watched porn since the day after DDay - he is 6 month porn free.

My new therapist says yes, there is a strong correlation.
He believes a person who watches porn will not get enough of whatever it is that he/she needs from it so he will eventually seek it out from a real live person. He also said when one watches porn, he’s connecting with the fantasy/mirage and therefore cannot connect with the spouse which then causes emotional distance.

I don’t think watching porn automatically equates to cheating. But I do think for many porn effects marital satisfaction negatively.

First, I think some men get a false idea of what women like or enjoy and then they think there is something wrong with their wife that that don’t seem to enjoy what the lady in tv was fake moaning about.

Second, I think any time it starts replacing sex is a red flag.

Third, it can add a lot of insecurity for the spouse which can negatively impact them wanting to have sex.

And fourth, many people do get addicted to it, and sometimes it may drive the idea of carrying out a fantasy or fetish.

But I don’t think porn alone does number 4. That person has to have other issues at play to cheat. Lack of integrity being a big one to name.

But I read a study that approximately 98 percent of men and 90 percent of women watch porn. I don’t think 98 percent of men cheat. You have to decide what seems right at your house. We both still watch sometimes.

I think compulsive and excessive porn use likely correlates with cheating.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:36 PM, Thursday, April 11th]

I don't think porn can make a person cheat, but I do think it can add gasoline to the fire.

My H's second A was fueled by newly-accessible internet porn in the late 90s. He would wait until everyone went to bed, then look at porn and visit adult chatrooms on AOL. That's where he met AP2. Without the titillation of porn, I doubt that A would have happened at all.

I also don't like how porn has changed the quality of the sex that we have.

I can see similarities in using both behaviors as escapes and yes, like therapy mentioned, as coping. Whatever is going on internally emotionally for them is something that they either don’t understand, don’t know how to label and/or don’t know what to do or how to deal with. So they turn to temporary high’s and/or escapes like those reached in orgasm, or in new dating relationships, drugs, gambling, food, alcohol, social media, etc. Whatever can help boost the feelings they relate to as feel good feelings. Sometimes they need an ego boost, sometimes a pick me up from a low point, sometimes validations of any sort or a mere distraction/escape. Either way, the external behaviors used are temporary bandaids to the real issues they hold inside.

My EXWW started reading steamy novels before she cheated. There was no way her boring husband who shoveled the driveway and took out the trash could compete.

My wife and I watch porn together. We have been faithfully married for 40+ years. We've known other married couples that do as well.

My H has watched porn since he was 12. He’s now 35, his porn viewing got worse the past few years to the point where he was doing it at work. When his whys came out , porn was a huge one. He began to become addicted to the fantasy of the porn, no strings attached, go have fun and move on without doing dishes idea. Porn was a huge factor in his A. Looking back I actually remember little things he would say and do that I should have noticed, H also said the porn got so bad that when he had sex wirh me and AP he only envisioned the scenes and the actors. He had sex with her mostly in the woods and her car … come to find out those were his go to porn video ideas. He is now 5 months porn free and our intimacy has returned and the images are almost gone from his memory , he still has urges and we utilize a blocker but he’s very honest about his triggers and urges , I won’t lie it sucks to hear them butttttt I would rather him be honest and us work through it together. We all have blockers in the house now because of all of this, I’m hoping eventually he can be around things that don’t trigger him but I know that it will be a life long issue.

I forgot to add he grew up with a dad that also normalized womanizing women and porn, he still does and H has been around it his whole life….
He’s changed a lot from this and he is starting to notice it from his dad and he now finds it repulsive. His mom recently cussed his dad out from all of the viruses his dad just got on their iPad, that was fun to hear.

So imo porn have a huge influence. I think if it is used in an unhealthy and obsessive way.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:33 AM, Friday, April 12th]

I am a BH and I can say for sure there is a correlation between infidelity and porn for me (though it isn’t what you think). My wife felt I only showed her attention when I wanted sex. Her solution was to cut me off and trade sex for attention from other men. I was in my mid 20s and I worked as the GM of a restaurant. That place was FULL of young beautiful women who actively pursued the boss (me) flirted and offered sex. I was cut off at home. What to do? I looked at porn (this was the 80s, so magazines) and "took care of myself" so that I would not cheat with a real live person. I was morally opposed to cheating but I didn’t want to be around all those women with "a loaded gun". My wife knew. I hated it. I would rather have a sexual relationship with my wife. So as far as being a "step to on the path to infidelity", I view it as quite the opposite (for me). Porn is a tool that helped me STAY faithful. When our sex life returned, the porn was put away and no longer used. I have spoken to many other BHs who have similar stories.

Just a different perspective to ponder

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:35 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

My EXWW started reading steamy novels before she cheated. There was no way her boring husband who shoveled the driveway and took out the trash could compete.

I would have said, "no", except my wife started watching porn before she cheated as well.

However, I don't think this is very scientific feedback loop, we are on an infidelity forum.

Infidelity is a very specific thing, cheating, and there are apparently around 300 trillion people who watch porn, judging by the amount on the internet.

Watching Westerns didn't make me want to ride horses.

I believe that for some WS their fantasies contribute to putting them on the slippery slope of having an affair. And I think watching or reading porn often intensifies, expands and excites their fantasies.

I use the term slippery slope instead of just having an affair because I think fantasies are probably only one variable at play and it also helps point put that fantasies/porn don't make one have an A. But combine a strong need for external validation, someone pursuing you aggressively, poor boundaries, an opportunity to do it and the fact you have a powerful fantasy or two that are unfullfilled and wow, you have entered the slippery slope with bare, well oiled feet.

Let's say a woman has a fantasy about anonymous sex, on the rough side. She reads about it, watches porn about it and then has an opportunity on a business trip. Does it contribute? I think it's obvious it does. Or a guy has a fetish and won't share it with his wife but looks at it in porn frequently. Throw in a few other variables and of course it contributes. How many WW here have said to their BH "it wasn't about the sex" and yet had "porn-like" sex with their AP almost right away? I know there are other needs being filled but I also believe that some of those women fantasized about that type of sex and that contributed to their A.

Watching Westerns didn't make me want to ride horses.

It did me. I had the broomstick horse, gunslinger holster & gun, chaps, and all. Of course that was in the early 60s and I was 7 years old or so. Got the pictures to prove it, LoL!

[This message edited by atomic_mess at 3:14 PM, Friday, April 12th]

Just as for some folks, a bar is just a place to grab a drink and chat with friends, porn can be harmless for many and destructive to some.

For my WH, porn is his drug of choice. He would rather look at pictures of women than deal with a real, live woman. He would rather send comments to anonymous women online than try and build a relationship with me. He would rather "take care of himself" and watch porn than deal with the hassle of a live person (me).

Anything can be "dangerous" depending on the person(s) involved.

While I don't believe porn necessarily causes a person to cheat, it does set up the slippery slope in some cases. My xWS was a habitual porn user so much so that it caused major issues in our sex life. He didn't view vanilla porn either it was more fetish and hardcore. He brought that into the bedroom and it literally turned me off. I believe he masturbated so much to it that he had issues climaxing and sex went on way too long to where it hurt me and I also started not wanting to have sex with him because how long we had sex for. I stop enjoying sex after 10 minutes it becomes a chore and is draining. I felt like he treated me like a porn star. He wanted me to talk like a porn star too and while I don't mind talking dirty once in a while to do it every time made it icky for me.

My current boyfriend does not watch porn and our sex is very passionate and intimate. I feel like I connect with him and it keeps me wanting him more, wanting sex with him more. Whereas with my ex I dreaded having sex.

Deleted comment about Westerns, with apologies to anyone if I offended them.

[This message edited by standinghere at 7:49 PM, Friday, April 12th]

While this subject may not apply to some and their situations, I think making light of it is rude to the people here who can say that porn played a large part in destroying their lives.

People are saying from their experience there is a correlation. They are not saying it causes cheating.

My H used porn as an escape, he hid it from me and he selfishly used others to gratify himself. I asked him if he would be ok with our daughter being a porn actress. Of course he said no. I then asked him if he felt those women wanted to be porn actresses and if they were treated well.

Same selfish behavior led him to have an affair.

Yes, I would say there is a connection. Obviously the porn did not cause him to cheat but in my mind the two are related.

I think watching porn can be a symptom of an underlying problem and that underlying problem may lead to infidelity. I don't believe that watching porn in itself makes one more prone to infidelity.