Hello LilacLiquid, sorry you find yourself dealing with more lies so many years out. I am six years out and have come to the very slow realization that my WH has a side to his personality he keeps very well hidden. I spent decades believing we had no secrets from each other and told each other everything. That crashed into pieces with the first discovery, and kept getting pulverized with his attempts to minimize and conceal the truth from me with each new DDay. He made me feel awful for not trusting him, but in hindsight, I guess I knew things didn’t add up and his behavior just made no sense. I had not yet learned to trust my gut, but I do now, and it helps a great deal.
It was maybe a year downstream from the end of the A when I thought to look at his app downloads on his phone, and found Dust, Tinder and several others. He tried to tell me the kids were talking about them and he was just curious. He won’t admit to even looking at the apps he downloaded and insists I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Of course it was not nothing, it was a lot more somethings and I found them, complete with log ons and email exchanges and he still can’t admit he was shopping around for more partners all the years he had a girlfriend. Here’s the thing though, that my IC helped me to clarify. In these disagreements, it’s not about the thing, or the evidence, it’s about the principle and the vows. It’s not the apps, it’s the deception and the lies about them, which are juvenile and indefensible. He has told so many lies, big and small, and every time I have found solid proof of the lie, he would get angry at me. Isn’t that bold? I keep a list of all of the lies and I won’t forget how he has handled himself with so little integrity. I don’t play his DARVO games anymore, and he knows he has blown all his credibility with me. It’s been a long process getting to this new place, and I continue to learn so much about us both.
Your post made me think of how much my views of my WH and my understanding of his personality and core values have changed. I have been so unnerved by realizing I don’t know him that well, and even more disturbed that he knows or understands himself or his issues even less. In a perfect world, he would have moved heaven and earth to fix what he broke and save our M, but in reality, he was a trapped teenager still trying to manipulate and lie his way out of difficult situations. He has damaged his reputation in my eyes permanently, but at least now I know what I am dealing with. I only accept the truth I can verify, and I have learned to trust myself again, because I have not been wrong yet, no matter how hard he tried to convince me I was mistaken.
Your WH had no reason to get back on those apps for any purpose without telling you about it, being transparent and trustworthy. Like yours, my WH has a primal instinct to protect himself and lying is second nature to him. It is a hell of a revelation to have and still stay in the relationship. I may never trust him again, and I will never love him the same way or unconditionally again. He had so many chances to help repair us, help me, help himself, but that would mean admitting he has some deep issues to work on. All these years of R I thought he would change for the better, back into who I need and want him to be, but my IC has helped me to see that he is a flawed person who can’t atone for all he has done because he can’t admit to himself who he is. I thought he was just lying to me, but he lies to himself too, and my IC thinks he isn’t capable of accepting his truths as I have, because he can’t handle his truth. So he has all these protective mechanisms and secret compartments and I am still mystified that I only knew the parts of him I wanted him to be and ignored so much of the parts that are in conflict with my values. I hope your WH can find some clarity in IC and help you over this new bump in the road.
The AP still haunts me too, I’m sorry you feel she’s living in your head. Try to realize this is a setback and not judge yourself harshly. You will find a way to get her evicted.
I have come to believe that liars lie, and if they lie about little things they will lie about big things. Your WH has so much work to do to be worthy of your time and trust. So does mine. If I can offer advice, try not to question the past, wondering if you did the right thing regarding the kids and family. So much of how I reacted was about keeping my family intact and safe and sparing my kids all this drama and trauma.
I would suggest you stop MC for a while and continue IC for you both. I feel your pain with revisiting all the past gory details and obsessing on the reality you are just beginning to understand. I refuse to pretend any of this did not happen to me, and I will not rugsweep or minimize, no matter how many uncomfortable situations that brings to the table. I have not been able to let go of all the proof and evidence or journals or checking them to be sure I have my timeline or facts straight. What I have made great progress with is how those things affect me emotionally. The emotional impact lessens each time, and I haven’t cried or had my heart rate race for a long time now. I have not discovered another lie for over a year, since my last email with MOW, and that has helped me to find this plateau and I’m feeling more stable in my life and this messed up relationship than any time since it imploded my life. You are dealing with fresh lies, and that’s a hard reset and huge disappointment every time. Please talk to your IC to help you find stable footing and keep your perspective in a healthy place.
Best of luck to you moving forward. I wish you peace and strength for the future. I have found my peace with staying together, while holding close the knowledge that I will leave in an instant if I ever uncover another lie. I hope you have found your last lies.
[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 4:02 PM, Tuesday, April 30th]
