SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband had an affair with a colleague of ours. We had two young children and a baby at the time. She knew me and we used to chat in the kitchen at work…..she seemed really nice and I always used to tell him how much I liked her. She came round to our house on a couple of occasions to gatherings and I poured her drinks and made food for her, she held my baby in her arms chatting away to me and sat at our dining room table. All the while she had been flirting/texting my husband and they ended up kissing each other in the office after work and then having sex in hotels whilst I was at home raising our kids ☹️. I got pregnant again, completely oblivious to what was going on and my husband tried to make me terminate the pregnancy by being abusive and threatening me with all sorts of horrible things. I had no idea why 🤷🏼‍♀️. It turns out she had been putting pressure on him to leave me and she wanted to be stepmum to our children. She was very beautiful , charming and ten or so years younger than me.

I kept our baby, our gorgeous daughter. It took a lot of strength to stand strong throughout this and I was very poorly throughout the pregnancy due to morning sickness, stress, anxiety and the workload of looking after our other three young children whilst he was coming home from work each day shouting at me, throwing things and me, grabbing me by the neck, telling me that if I didn’t have an abortion he was going to leave us.

Around the time I gave birth, his mistress left his company and then moved away. I remember her looking very stressed out and upset at work and I think she was drinking a lot too. I didn’t realise why! He had basically broken it off with her and she had thrown a tantrum at him because he wanted to be with his family.

I didn’t find out about the affair until a couple of years ago (daughter is now 7). It completely blew my mind. I struggled to comprehend how my little girl may not have been here if I had given in to all of the intimidation/aggression at home all because there was someone younger, better and more beautiful than me applying pressure to my OH. Apparently he had been ‘promising her the world’ but he tells me otherwise.

Husband and I are now separated. Our children are upset and my eldest is struggling at school. It is sad because over the last couple of years since everything was revealed, my husband has actually tried to be there for us all. I’ve just struggled to process everything and I’ve felt really cold towards him.

The problem is, when men are cheating it can come out in awful behaviours towards their wives at home. But this is my life, it has happened and nobody can turn back the clock 🤷🏼‍♀️.

If you were in my situation , would you be able to get over everything? What would you do? Please help x

No, I"m sorry, but I wouldn’t. I would never get over looking at my daughter and knowing that he wanted her aborted so that he could f- around with a younger woman who knew me, sat in my home at his invitation, touched my children, and was the enemy of his wife, his children, and his unborn baby all for her. He brought a dangerous person bent on destroying your family into your home among your children.

But even setting that aside, he GRABBED YOU BY THE NECK trying to physically intimidate you into having an abortion. That, for me, would have been it even before finding out. He is abusive—not WAS. . .IS. Anyone who has it in them to do that to his wife is not a safe person. Period.

I also experienced horrible treatment and abuse from my WH during his A. I know what he’s capable of, and his lying, minimizing and blameshifting never stopped. It is so incredibly destructive.

The fact that he kept this from you for years after shows that he never truly accepted his horrible actions and the damage that he did. He thought that because you didn’t know, you weren’t affected and he could just get away with it.

It also says that he likely did no work of any kind to acknowledge and address his own selfishness, abusive behavior, and lack of integrity. He never sought an understanding of how very flawed he is with a desire to change that. He left her, but he remained a liar and a bully and a cheater by choice.

I’m so sorry that you’re here and that all of that happened to you and your kids. Sadly, as we all have learned, there is no undoing the damage and going back once they’ve made this decision for everyone. Your kids would likely benefit from some counseling support and so would you. The answer isn’t to go back to him and try to continue in what was a bad situation for you and them even if you kept things smooth. The answer is to help everyone deal with it in a healthy, open and honest way so that you all can recover and move forward honestly in this new reality.

Others will be along with lots of support and advise. I’m so sorry that he has done this to all of you. Hugs of strength and support.

An affair is one thing, the issue here isn’t an affair. Though I absolutely agree cheating is abuse, it’s not the same as being strangled
and told to kill your baby or he will leave you. I don’t want to get into the political debate about abortion, this is my personal interpretation of what happened.

And that aside, he didn’t have his hands around your neck, he was strangling you. I’m sure there were many other lines crossed before that, but that alone is the point of no return. What happens next time? He strangles you until you pass out? The affair had nothing to do with that. He is an abuser and the affair is a symptom of his mental illness, not the other way around.

Leave, go no contact. File a report, file a restraining order, never be alone with him, film/record any interaction with him. Do you really want your kids around a man who would strangle his wife? What if he hurts them next?

I am sorry if I’m coming off as mean or rude. I’m sorry that you’re in this horrible situation. Please, the affair is the least of your concern. Affairs are abuse, but what you are going through is a completely different level. You deserve peace and safety, there is never a reason to strangle someone other than to intimidate or kill them. That’s not love or respect or even close to a healthy relationship. Don’t hold your breath that he will change. He will lie about changing and then up the scale of abuse. I only am adding this because I am a former cop, I have seen this scenario play out over and over again. It never ends well unless the abused spouse leaves.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you have a reason to join the best club nobody wants to join. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts that are good for new members to read. I also suggest reading the ones with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library has a lot of information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

In this instance, I would have a tough time going back and trying R (reconciliation). If your WH (wayward husband) was willing to choke you or grab your neck, he is dangerous. According to The Hotline, this is a form of strangulation and the most lethal form of domestic violence. It is also a significant predictor of future violence. (Google The Dangers of Strangulation and the article should pop up.)

What kind of relationship do you want to show your children? While they may struggle right now, they will adjust. But, they will model their future relationships on yours.

You are doubting yourself right now b/c things are hard. Very hard.

But your children should not grow up in an environment where they could see any abuse.

That is why you left him.

You know deep down you did the right thing.

I hope this helps you.

Thank you so much to all of your comments. I am having a wobble. My husband is sending me love letters, flowers, texting me daily, having counselling and trying his best to be a good parent. I am trying to adapt to single life and feeling so close to giving in and going back. I needed reminding of how I felt when I was in that house and of how the memories of his angry face inches away from mine made me feel, how I used to feel when he was threatening me and throwing things at me, calling me names or pushing me around. I keep thinking about family Christmasses, holidays, family rituals and memories , all the times he has been really nice to me and feeling desperate to go back. But…….seeing how shocked you all are at his abusive behaviour helps me to trust in myself and why I made this decision xxxx. Thank you

One of the best indicators of a spouse being murdered my their partner is an attempt.of strangling.
Your kids need a healthy parent. That's you.
Heal yourself show them that it's ok to stand up for yourself demand the respect you deserve and what being healthy is.
Please do not go back to this abusive man.

I believe some choices are unforgivable and trying to strangle you is one of them and nothing would put you more at risk than staying with him.

We don’t want to read on the newspaper LCol was killed by her husband. What he did has shown already what he can be capable of..

[This message edited by Fantastic at 6:13 PM, Monday, May 6th]

Hi Everyone

Just wanted to say thank you for the advice. I met up with my husband to discuss reconciliation on Monday and stupidly we went for a few drinks where he asked me to be open and honest about how I was feeling. My emotions were still pretty negative and he started losing his temper inside the bar….grabbing me by the chin and shouting in my face. The bar staff expressed their concern and didn’t want to let me leave with him. I left with him, telling them that I had known him for years and that although he gets angry, he isn’t dangerous. Unfortunately out on the street, he hit me so hard with such force around the back of the head, I fell hard to the concrete and grazed and bruised my knee, elbow, hand and nose. I was lying screaming for help on the floor and was rescued by three women passing by. I reported the incident and he was arrested. My mother in law doesn’t believe me. She is telling people that I’m mental and that her perfect son would never hurt a woman (even though I have sat listening to her crying countless times about my father in law physically abusing her and cheating on her!). Everything is a mess. Im unbelievably sad that we definitely cannot reconcile now, but im glad that I did move out into my own place 🙂

I would absolutely not be able to get over something like this and then I read this...

grabbing me by the chin and shouting in my face. The bar staff expressed their concern and didn’t want to let me leave with him. I left with him, telling them that I had known him for years and that although he gets angry, he isn’t dangerous. Unfortunately out on the street, he hit me so hard with such force around the back of the head, I fell hard to the concrete and grazed and bruised my knee, elbow, hand and nose. I was lying screaming for help on the floor and was rescued by three women passing by.

Please get a restraining order against him and go No Contact. He is a manipulator and an abuser. I also worry how he will try to manipulate the kids.

He IS dangerous and he's escalating his behaviors. Please get a restraining order and do not see him. Also, don't tell him how you're feeling. He will use the information to manipulate you.

I am so happy that you are SAFE. He sounds very dangerous. I hope you are able to secure your safety and the safety of your children. Please talk with your attorney and get the best advice that you can.

(even though I have sat listening to her crying countless times about my father in law physically abusing her and cheating on her!)

It sounds like your husband has learned how to be a man from his father. But you don't have to be like your MIL. You can stop the cycle, get away from him and raise your children in a home not infected with physical, mental, and emotional abuse.

Stay strong, LCol!

Wow abuse is unacceptable. Ignore MIL- she is trying to convince herself that staying in her abusive marriage didn’t negatively affect her son. Obviously it totally did.

And that is why it is great that you are NOT staying. Get the restraining order, talk to a local women;s shelter to learn about resources, and protect yourself and your kids.

You are setting a great example for your kids. You are strong and will be okay. Hang in there.

Thank you so much to the people who are supporting me on here. It is always right after an incident that I feel weak and incapable. Your reassurance and support is building a bit of strength up for me again

You should ask the mods to move your thread either to General or Divorce, LC. Because your soon to be ex-H ain’t R-worthy!

Be strong!

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 11:14 PM, Wednesday, May 29th]

I’m so glad that you are getting a restraining order and getting away from him before he has maimed or killed you—although the trauma that you will deal with into the future is more than enough.

You are making the right decision. You aren’t weak at all.

Please print your post for yourself and read it whenever he tries to make contact (and he very likely will in spite of the restraining order—either soon or farther down the road). You need to remind yourself that you told people who could see he was being abusive that YOU HAD KNOWN HIM FOR YEARS AND KNEW THAT HE WOULDN’T HURT YOU. . .RIGHT BEFORE HE HIT YOU IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND KNOCKED YOU TO THE GROUND. That is a reminder to you that you can’t believe that about him ever again. Ever. Again. No matter how much he is love-bombing and promising.

I wish you peace and rest in the days ahead. It will take time, but you will be okay. You’ve gotten out of the trauma zone. Seek help to process and recover and move forward. You’ve got this.

((((LCol))))

I have R'ed, so I can deal the infidelity. The abuse - I agree your H is dangerous.

Did you file a police report? I hope you did, or will.

Can you take self-defense lessons and keep yourself in practice?

Around the time I gave birth, his mistress left his company and then moved away. I remember her looking very stressed out and upset at work and I think she was drinking a lot too. I didn’t realise why! He had basically broken it off with her and she had thrown a tantrum at him because he wanted to be with his family.

Did he tell you that he broke up with her? If he did, I can almost guarantee you that he's lying.

It's more likely that the OW quit her job and moved away because your husband was becoming violent with her, perhaps when she was trying to end the relationship. That would also explain why she was drinking more, and looking more stressed and upset at work.

I tell you this not to imply that you should have sympathy for the OW, but to disabuse you of any notions you might have that your husband had any intention of preserving your family. He wanted your youngest child dead because she was inconvenient to him. He chose to physically attack and terrify you because he wanted to, not because of any pressure by OW.

Your husband is a very dangerous man. From this point forward, you should have no contact with him. You need to press charges and follow through with them. You need to keep him away from your kids. Ideally, he would have 0 contact with his children; at most, he should only be allowed supervised visits with a court-appointed guardian.

If you don't document his abuse against you and don't follow through with the criminal charges against him, then you are putting yourself and your children in grave danger. The days of lying to yourself that "He would never..." are over.

You ignored the staff at the bar when they told you not leave with him. Please don't ignore us.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:36 PM, Thursday, May 30th]

I am so sorry that you are in this and I hope you can see the cycle of abuse. Like is said in my first post, I highly doubted that him strangling you was the first physical abuse. It’s horrible that he did that and what he did to you after you met him. Please, I know I’m a stranger on the net and you don’t know me, I am former cop, DO NOT EVER BE ALONE with him again. If you have to meet him, do it in a very public place and have a male relative or good male friend with you. Or a few of them honestly. Record any interaction you have with him. He is incredibly dangerous and now that he sees he is losing his control of you he is likely to escalate his assaults even more. Probably first will be all apologies and love bombing, promises to change and all that. That is nothing but lies, and he will go further.
Go no contact, get a lawyer and have any contact with him be through them.

I know you feel weak, leaving that environment is one of the hardest things for anyone to do, and it requires incredible courage and strength. You are doing the right thing to leave him.

I’ve been a criminal defense and divorce lawyer for three decades. I’ve seen some shit.

There are two kinds of men on the planet: men who will hurt women, children, and puppies and men who will not.

Nearly never does a man leave one group to join the other.

Every woman on this planet should have two men who will die to protect her and who will never hurt her: her father and her husband. When one of those men betrays that trust, it is all but impossible to restore it. And that’s not a bug, it is a feature. That permanent fear factor keeps women alive, it causes women to do the incredibly hard thing (leave) that is necessary to keep breathing.

Trust your instinct here. Get away from this man, forever.