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My D day was 9/2023. BUT the infidelity started in 5/2023 and lasted for the summer. We have had great moments of healing, consistent and unwavering commitment for healing from WS and I felt like maybe this was a blip in a 25 yr marriage ( Im not downplaying- I know this was serious and hurtful). I felt I was healing but now a few weeks out from when he went to his first escort, Im spiralling. I’m stuck AGAIN in the "how could he do this to us?" Mode and sadly…I do love him, the father of my children and imagine I always will- but I don’t feel the same. I dont look at him as my rock, I see him as someone who it will take years to get to the level of self awareness that i deserve and am just feeling so sad. He doesn’t know what else to do except be consistent and I am unsure if it’s just the approaching one year mark that is triggering me. Would love to hear from others who have been here….

Pls refrain from the "Oh I bet he was doing this before last summer" and "once a cheater always a cheater" because that is not helpful to me. I believe he had a mental breakdown from trauma…..1000% but not sure where this leave me/us.

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 9:36 PM, Wednesday, May 8th]

He doesn’t know what else to do except be consistent and I am unsure if it’s just the approaching one year mark that is triggering me.

What you are experiencing is completely normal. You're grieving the loss of the marriage you thought you had, and the first anniversaries when grieving are always hard. He's spot on with remaining consistent. Tell him to keep up the good work.

Like Dory says, just keep swimming. It gets easier.

It does get easier, but it's so hard, especially the first year, not to look at the day and think about what you and he were doing 1 year ago. Some people refer to these as anti-versaries.

Just be kind to yourself! This is a horrible experience your WH chose for you. But you are strong and you will make it through, even if you need to go cry in the shower.

Satya mom

How are we on the same timeline and basically same shitty hand dealt? My H affair started in May although I know emotionally it started more in February or so. I found out in October and our anniversary for 5 years was in September.

I am so sorry you’re here and I feel so much like you do. I thought that the beginning of this month would bring so many emotions since his affair started in May and mannnnn it has. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel in September when dday and our anniversary hits.

I also don’t look at my H as my rock anymore , he isn’t my Prince Charming and he isn’t anyone I would trust ….. yet.
I know my H whys. I know where is brain was , I know what drove him to have an affair in his effed up mind, like you where does that leave me? Where does that leave our kids?
I also wonder as much as you probably do , when did the logic start that it was ok to do this , when did he start falling apart? I’m sorry you’re here.
My H is also doing "all the right things" and I’m still falling apart.

My anniversary with h is 9/22 and he saw his ap on 9/21 (youngest sons bday). I just don’t get how they could be so cruel, he was turning 2, it was also a day after my dad had his stroke ….

I don’t have advice , I rarely have advice since I’m so new to this. I just want you to know we have the same timeline and same feelings.

I don’t have any advice either but have the same feelings. I still love my husband but not in the same way. I love him and the family we have built and mostly he is a good husband. But I also think he is one of the shittiest husbands because he slept with someone else and lied to my face like a pathetic little child scared of getting caught. I will never see him in a positive light again and even when he is being truly wonderful it will always be tarnished and I will always remember the hurt he has caused. I honestly don’t think I will be truly ‘in love’ with him ever again. I actually wonder even though we are trying to R and doing pretty well that one day I will just have enough of the pain and hurt and end it all with him?

Our first anniversary’s of hell will start in August and I told him that he better be prepared to deal with some shit cause I can already feel it coming!!! Remind me why I thought getting married for a second time was a good idea 🤦🏽‍♀️

It’s comforting to know I’m not alone - spent yesterday pretty much in bed all day reading and watching tv. I needed it. I’m just hanging in there …

Self care is SO very important to our healing. I’m glad you took care of yourself. My H and I are 13 years out from our year from hell. At this time in 2011 he was living in an apartment, seeing his AP and also having hysterical bonding sex with me. (I was VERY messed up at the time and would never recommend this course of action to anyone).

The healing is not linear. But after we reconciled I was able to see that gradually the hard times cycled through less often and lasted for a shorter amount of time. And there was something that my AA sponsor told me during my early days of sobriety that really helped me during our early R. When I was around a year sober I remember calling my sponsor one morning and telling her that not only had I not felt any desire to drink or use in several weeks, but I actually abhorred the thought. It was repellent to me for the first time I could ever recall. She told me she was happy and then she said "If you wake up tomorrow or the next day feeling the old way again, it doesn’t mean that this experience was not real or valid." She encouraged me to journal about this new feeling and go back to it during future difficult days.

So that’s my advice to you. If you haven’t been journaling, I encourage you to start. And then remember when you are cycling back through the grief, sadness, anger that while those are all very valid feelings in response to your circumstances, your moments/days of healing and hope are also valid and together all of those days are leading you to a place of recovery.

I’m sorry you found yourself here. But you are in the best group of people you never wanted to join or even know about. SI helped to save my sanity and is a huge part of the foundation of a new M that my H and I created together.

Nothing ruins the image of a spouse more than infidelity. I understand your frustration and feelings so well. I used to have pride in my marriage, and knowing that I was gone a lot and working hard I always felt like it was worth it because my loving and faithful wife would know and being willing to sacrifice the way I was so that we could have the live we both wanted. Instead, she got "lonely and disconnected" and decided she mattered more. I’ll probably never get that feeling back.

The first year of critical dates are devastating. Lots of "this time last year I was doing this while he was cheating on me." It’s normal, but doesn’t reduce how painful it is. What I do that I find helpful for me, is on certain dates I will go to the places I remember feeling like things were wrong and I will sit there, relive my memories and then relieve the true story. I don’t deny what happened or what I feel. For me, it helps. Gets the ugly feelings out. Then I’ll look at what is going on today and decide if it’s better or worse. Remind myself that I’m still in this marriage because of my own choice, and that I can keep that decision or not if it fits me.

It’s ok to have hard times, you will. It’s ok to wonder just what the actual hell your WH was thinking and why would he hurt his family so deeply. It’s a major violation of the agreement you made getting married. Sacrifice our own personal desires and forsake all other's (and in my opinion that means sometimes ourselves) for the marriage. Some people just don’t understand the significance of that sacrifice.

Your WH can change, and often a major crisis is what can inspire that, to include a deeper self awareness. It suck’s that it takes something like an affair to do it, but that seems to just be human nature. Besides infidelity topics, I recommend your WH look into books about self awareness and emotional intelligence. There are some very good books out there on that topic. In my opinion, that is a critical piece to change.

I also wanted to jump in and let you know that you’re not alone - my D-Day was 10/2023 and my husband also used escorts. Our 24th anniversary is also this summer. So sorry we’re in the same club, but you’re not alone- I also have real low days and then great days. My therapist told me that’s just what this first year is and is completely normal. Just give yourself grace on the low days (((hugs)))

Justtiredandsad- I’m so sorry we both are here :(. Unbelievable. We have been doing well - I have had a lot of empathy for the suffering he was in curing but it’s like this month I’m …. 🤬
My stomach hurts. I can hardly look at him

Justtiredandsad - read your first post. Our stories are close to
Identical :( so sorry you are going through this also. Our kids are older but same - trying to keep family together

During the A, I grew increasingly aware that something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I asked my W about cheating but she denied it. A year later, I sort of relived the A period, this time knowing W was betraying me, even though I knew she was changing from betrayer to good partner before my eyes and even though I knew the pain came from the past.

The A went from August to 12/22/2010, and I was a wreck for that whole period in 2011. I was less of a wreck in 2012, still less in 2013. Now I don't know we're in A season unless a member of SI brings the subject up in a post here, and I'd have to look up the date of the first sex.

In any case, I think that what you're describing may be your healing process.

How long have you been M? If you R, the A is likely to become a blip in your M, but it took more like 5-10 years - it was maybe 8 years for me. YMMV.

Sisoon- married 24 years. 25th anniversary will be in the midst of the betrayal 1 yr anniversary

Would love to hear from others. Really struggling

Well, my DDay was our 20th Wedding Anniversary. So I will have that baggage for quite a long time. Their selfishness really stains everything.

I don't mean to worry you, but for me, the 2nd year was worse than the 1st. I think the 1st year I was still in shock.
The 2nd year reality really set in. I would get pounded with waves of depression. I'm just past 3 years now and while the crashing waves have been replaced with times of sadness that come in and go like the tide. There are times of happiness that last longer than the periods of sadness. It does get better but the time it takes to get there seems so glacial in its progress.

A way to reframe to support healing:

A wedding day is a big deal for most of us. Even a vow in front of a city clerk is a big deal. An anniversary is what we make of it. An anniversary of years that divide evenly by 5 or 10 are bigger deals in our culture than those not divisible by 5, but really, how different are the anniversaries from a day a week before or after the day?

It's really nice to be able to mark a 10th, 20th, 25th, 50th anniversary with something like a vacation or party, but it's not necessary. You probably won't/don't want to celebrate your 25th, but if R goes well, you'll probably want to mark your 30th and succeeding years. Life goes on.

An anniversary soon after d-day may trigger thoughts and feelings about what you've lost. IMO, that's healing. IMO, the BS has to process those feelings of loss out of their body, and the feelings can't be processed unless the BS is aware of them. Triggers feel awful as they occur, but they also allow releasing feelings, which leads to recovery.

Don't try to control what happens. Just aim to let yourself heal.

Healing always takes longer than anyone thinks it should. When we are traumatized, we human beings often have to feel awful in order to feel good.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:54 PM, Saturday, May 11th]