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Haven't been able to post in a while, but 5/28 became my Dday 2. Found out that the "four month" A was actually a year-long A. She also has been communicating and has met the OM. I explained to my STBXWW that I would not tolerate a break in NC, or tolerate dishonesty from going forward. Well, she crossed both hard boundaries. She has had no real consequences from her actions and betrayal - other than a strained relationship with our best friends (who have been reaching out to her for concern of her mental health). Can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on my 3 beautiful Sons that she put in jeopardy, myself, and my business. She has no idea that this is in process now, nor does she think I have the faculties to stand-up and protect myself. I will no longer be a human doormat for this evil, dishonest, ego-kibble eating, self-serving, selfish woman. I can't let our shared history dictate My future, or that of my Sons. It will be a brutal few years for my Boys and I, but will prevent further anguish and pain for all of us down the road. Time for her to get her reality!

[This message edited by wjbrennan78 at 4:59 PM, Friday, May 31st]

I am glad you are feeling strong. Tbh, your stance on this from the beginning has been decisive and well thought out. She has pushed this to be the only choice because if you created a hard boundary and then accepted it to be broken it wouldn’t seem like a boundary at all, merely a request. Best wishes moving forward. You have her a chance and it’s unfortunate that she didn’t appreciate that or handle it with care.

Good for you! It is the only way when a wayward just keeps being wayward. I'm sorry it has come to this but things will get better for you and your boys.... her I have a feeling not so much but that is her problem. Come down to the Separation/Divorce section of this site you will get lots of support there as you navigate the D.

If the WS won't stop being wayward, I think that what you're doing is the absolute best way to handle it. Bravo.

My XH and I separated immediately after he told me about the A. We are now divorced. I have not regretted that decision at ALL. Of course, I wish it could have been different. I loved him very much, but I couldn't live with him after what he did. So, I regret that he cheated, I wish I had my marriage back, but I don't regret divorcing him bc I was never going to feel safe in the relationship again after what he did. So, R was never an option even if he had wanted it.

I only say all that bc it's so easy to fall into the fantasy trap where you remember your relationship pre-Dday and want to go back to it, which is totally normal. For me, it was important to remember that I could NEVER go back to that, that life was dead.

I also say all that to acknowledge there are plenty of us who feel sad, anxious, depressed, angry, etc. about the way things worked out, but also do not regret the decision to D.

If you are in the mindset of not wanting to divorce but being forced to start on that path because of her actions, when it’s time, have her served papers at work. Sometimes that shocks them enough to do a 180 on their own shitshow they’ve created.

Continuing to talk to and see the posom after dday is a pretty damn good reason to file, no arguments there. Well done.

I’m sorry to hear about the second d day, but am pleased that you are taking action. We see so many stories here where the BS sets down a reasonable demand like no contact, or meeting, and the WS tramples all over those. Invariably they move the goal posts and give second third and fourth chances. The result is that if there are no consequences this just keeps happening. It’s good to see when a BS finally stands up and says we are done.

When you say in process, what exactly does that mean?

Sorry to hear it. In your last thread I accused your wife of still being very full of shit. Seems to be the case. Take care of yourself. Sending strength.

No real additional insight. Just wanted to pile on and congratulate you on taking control of your life back. Hold onto that rage and focus it on making the right decisions moving forward. You're actually helping your sons right now by demonstrating decisiveness and strength.
This is completely on her right now. You owe her nothing but what she is legally entitled to. If there is any hope, and at this point I'd say the odds are low, then she has to do the work while you get you and your sons out of infidelity.
Stay strong.

Brennan, I've been following your story... I know at one point you thought that informing the OBS was the "nuclear option." Have you informed the OBS yet? I disagree that informing the OBS is a "nuclear option," I think it is only common decency to another human being. Also, nothing kills the affair like exposure. The "nuclear option" is posting your evidence on Facebook, tagging the AP on SM, informing HR/her employer/everyone's families.

Please discuss with your attorney whether and how to inform the OBS... while I can see using exposure to OBS and others as leverage against your WW in your divorce, you must eventually inform the OBS. She deserves to know.

Otherwise, great job on pulling the trigger on the divorce. Nothing is set in stone, even now.

Let us know how and when she was served... since AP is a co-worker...serve her at work and talk to the process server to announce when he is handing the papers to your WW "You are being sued for divorce on the grounds of infidelity with [AP's full name]" This is a true nuclear option. (Run this by your attorney first, and follow his advice obviously)

Good luck, stay strong and keep taking action.

Good for you Friend and good riddance to your silly WW!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 4:49 PM, Saturday, June 1st]

Very sorry your WW’s actions have come to this, but I can’t say I’m surprised. BTW, congrats to your oldest who is graduating soon. A great milestone. Keep being there for your sons. You will be there main support.

This is just my opinion but it appears to me that your WW has engaged in a classic mid-life crisis A. Your WW is in her mid-40’s, you’ve been together thirty years, twenty years M, your children are rapidly growing up, she convinces herself she is stifled and unhappy in her M, and voila! Along comes a coworker who pretends to understand and care, but is simply looking for sex. She justifies her betrayal by rewriting your marital history. It is not surprising that she minimized and lied about the length of her A. The fact that this is a common scenario does not help ease the pain you are feeling or lessen the trauma to your family. And yes, a MLC is extremely selfish. I offer this only to send you support that you are doing the absolutely right thing moving forward to have her served. She may come out of the fog or she may not. But you are doing the best for you and your boys. Also important, do inform the OBS as soon as you can. She deserves to know the truth of her M. Good luck. Keep posting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:00 AM, Sunday, June 2nd]

Have you told his wife?

Friend – I’m going to be a bit harsh...
You have gotten a lot of advice on what are probably your best actions-steps to end the affair and maybe make your wife realize what she’s risking. One of the key-ones was letting the OM wife know.

Yet here we are... You are prepared to file and take on all the agony you envision for you and your poor boys for the next year... yet you aren’t willing to let the OM spouse know...

Haven't been able to post over the weekend. Having a problem with to usernames linked to my account and I haven't been able to get it resolved (If a MOD is answering this thread, please reach out to me).

If you are in the mindset of not wanting to divorce but being forced to start on that path because of her actions, when it’s time, have her served papers at work. Sometimes that shocks them enough to do a 180 on their own shitshow they’ve created.

I am going to serve her at our next MC session and walk out. I will have a witness and a buffer (in case she goes crazy).

When you say in process, what exactly does that mean?

I filed the agreement and retainer for my attorney on Friday. I plan to serve her this Wednesday.

Yet here we are... You are prepared to file and take on all the agony you envision for you and your poor boys for the next year... yet you aren’t willing to let the OM spouse know...

Waiting on the advice from my attorney on this one. If I get the "go-ahead" from her, I will call the OBS after I serve her. I also plan on visiting two of her Aunts that I have a great relationship with - to inform them of the infidelity and the divorce petition. I plan on getting ahead of the narrative, so I can't be turned into the "bad guy".

An update from yesterday. I confronted her about the continued contact, the gaslighting, the lies, and continued betrayal. She just lied immediately. Finally fessed up to their walk on campus last week. Asked if I had her surveilled. My answer - there are more than just you two walking around a college campus. She's paranoid. She doesn't know that I made it up and then confirmed it

I am more than resolved now to serve her. I have a couple percentage points of hope left that she gets out of this fog after the events coming on Wednesday. But I refuse to live in infidelity and dishonesty. Thank you all for your support - I will keep you posted.

[This message edited by wjbrennan78 at 12:47 PM, Monday, June 3rd]

Your attorney is not a marital councilor. His task isn’t to create pressure to make your wife quit the affair and/or focus on the marriage. Nor is it to protect your wife’s lover reputation nor his spouse.
His task is to ensure your rights in a divorce.

Telling the OM wife won’t give you 2% more equity in the home or increase your potential spousal support payments by 250 per month. If done factually (as in no lies told) it wont have any effect – good or bad – on the divorce.
Since it won’t have positive nor negative effect – your attorney will advice against it. If he doesn’t – find a new one. He won’t want to do anything that could change the status-quo.

He MIGHT (and I know that by offering you this it will become your new excuse...) suggest using the threat of telling the OMW as a bargaining chip. Frankly – if he does – find a new attorney.

Friend – to-date you have more-or-less ignored the advice offered on this site. With the BEST of intentions: there is nothing special or unique in your situation. We have seen this a gazillion times. Including the "I’m waiting to tell the OMW" stance...
I think this reluctance might be the main reason you are in the situation you are in right now...

30 year trial attorney here.

Under the Illinois Rules of Civil Procedure, the one person who cannot serve the divorce papers is you.

Let your attorney take care of service of process, and for sure they are not sending you out with papers to serve your wife at marriage counseling.

[This message edited by Wiseoldfool at 4:55 PM, Monday, June 3rd]

Friend – to-date you have more-or-less ignored the advice offered on this site. With the BEST of intentions: there is nothing special or unique in your situation. We have seen this a gazillion times. Including the "I’m waiting to tell the OMW" stance...
I think this reluctance might be the main reason you are in the situation you are in right now...

Well he is getting himself out of infidelity. Many BS's don't have the strength to end the M. So on that front I think he's doing fabulous.

He can tell the OBS when he is ready at least he's getting himself out of this situation and not dragging on in some pseudo R hoping things will get better.

He MIGHT (and I know that by offering you this it will become your new excuse...) suggest using the threat of telling the OMW as a bargaining chip. Frankly – if he does – find a new attorney.

Friend – to-date you have more-or-less ignored the advice offered on this site. With the BEST of intentions: there is nothing special or unique in your situation. We have seen this a gazillion times. Including the "I’m waiting to tell the OMW" stance...
I think this reluctance might be the main reason you are in the situation you are in right now...

Never have I ever solved a problem and seen a problem solved through fear and avoidance. By not "nuking" the OM's happy little life by telling his wife all you are doing to allowing this 4 year affair to continue. She isn't going to leave you over you telling his wife, frankly she already has left, just didn't bother to tell you. You are not the first guy to have this happen, most of us did in some way shape or form.

Cockroaches flourish in the darkness, turn on the light and they scatter wildly.

Agreeing OBS needs to be informed, but ask your lawyer about timing. It’s *possible* the lawyer might want you to wait if holding back FOR NOW could get you a better D settlement. Don’t say a word about this to your W, obviously, but if it turns out to be the case your lawyer tells you there’s a negotiating advantage to waiting, then wait. In any case, when all agreements are executed and you get the all-clear from your lawyer DEFINITELY inform the OBS.

On the other hand, your lawyer may say there’s zero advantage to be gained by waiting, then by all means inform the OBS now.

Great work standing strong. Those who act decisively with strength always come out of these bleep-shows much better. Congrats for doing so!