SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@soaringpenguin.... Long before there was any need for me to join this site my child was conceived while using the pullout method.

Apologies if this is obvious but this is not a method to use unless you are well aware that it could cause pregnancy. Precome contains sperm. So please be careful using this as part of your evidence.

Last night I shared with her that I'm not accusing her but also just can't help but feel like something is wrong. She re-assured me last night and this morning before she left for work with a hug. 'I'm all yours and I'm the last person you need to worry about'

Hmm. Did it surprise you or seem out of character that she jumped straight to "I'm all yours"? That seems to suggest that she assumed you were referring to infidelity. Why would she jump to that conclusion? You wrote that, until recently, the idea of your wife being unfaithful was the furthest thing from your mind. Did you hint at cheating as the thing you were concerned about?

I'm not trying to suggest her response is some sort of gotcha!/smoking gun. If you preface a statement with "I'm not accusing you but..." then you kind of are, right? Lol. And in a marriage, there are only a handful of primary reasons for one spouse to semi-accuse the other. (infidelity being one of them). Even if you made no suggestion of cheating, an innocent spouse might also instinctively go there. But her reply did sort of raise my eyebrow. First saying she's "all yours" and then saying she is the last person you need to worry about. Feels a bit over the top. Did she ever ask you why you felt there was something wrong, where your worries were coming from? Seems curious that she went straight to strong denial and dismissal specifically of infidelity without wondering what was causing your worry.

Soaringpenguin, I have a friend who also used that method with his girlfriend 20 years ago. She got pregnant.

I honestly think you may be becoming obsessed, perhaps the surprise of pregnancy scares you, you have your reasons, it's natural. I would go to IC, probably only a few sessions will be necessary.

[This message edited by Littlepuppet at 11:09 AM, Friday, June 21st]

A

Are there at least happy outcomes to people out there that never found their partner cheating but they felt a similar gut feeling?

If you have that gut feeling all of a sudden, there are reasons for that and unfortunately most of the time your gut is telling you the truth.

The fact that she is secretive about her phone is a red flag. The fact that she got pregnant despite you having very little sex is another.

The fact that she was reassuring you doesn’t mean anything at all. If there is infidelity, how so you expect her to react if asked if she is hiding something? You gave away you are suspicious and that will only make her more cautious, a "better" liar and she will hide things even better.

Unfortunately I learnt the hard way they become shameful people. I had to wait a year and a half after the first suspicion to be able to collect evidence, which I did when he was sleeping, but especially at a time when he was not imagining I was being suspicious, I had to snoop his phone using his finger to open it because I did not have a code but one day I saw him typing the code and I learnt it by heart and BAM! I was able to access his phone also without his finger and had to do some digging because they were using Viber, an app that allows you to hide conversations plus they vanish as you read them. Well, I, the woman who had always struggled with technology, found the hidden chat and the way to access it and I read two meaningless (in content) messages but my great satisfaction is that the FB POS did not realise someone else had read them and she di not get any reply (hahahaha!) and my husband has never seen the not interesting message about her cat (my husband hates cats!!) needing a biopsy or another message in which she was complaining she was at home alone (she got BLANKED when I am sure she was expecting some sympathy or some reference to what they could do had they been at home alone, but she got NOTHING !)

You made a big mistake to let her know about your gut feeling without having gathered evidence. I hope you are not a lawyer!!!

I agree that her being a lawyer does not help, since lawyers do lie and so she is trained at that.

Try to hide recording devices in the car and at home where she might have conversations. Unfortunately it is a war, one you didn’t sign up for but you have to fight for your life and be sly and cunning, two characteristics you didn’t want in your marriage.

Keep us posted and be patient and positive. For every problem there is always a solution.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:08 PM, Friday, June 21st]

Once again:
She denies an affair and that definitely indicates she’s cheating...
She’s an attorney and therefore everything she says is a lie...

FRIEND – HOW CAN YOU WIN with that logic?
Which line do you want to believe: That a denial is a lie or that her being an attorney makes her the liars equivalent of Houdini? If it’s the former – then there is no way she can convince you there isn’t an affair. After all she would have to deny, and that isn’t believable.
Or if she’s an attorney and therefore an expert in lying... No matter what she says is a lie...
You cant win if you follow that advice... You can’t find the truth...

Use a reasonable amount of the methods I suggest (hint: VAR in car...) and if you don’t find anything within 5-10 days then move on.
Once the baby is born you can secretly do a DNA test. My only warning on that is to do it as soon as possible, or within whatever timeframe your state might have to contest paternity.

Definitely trying my best to keep a level head. Employing a few surveillance tools has helped since I have a way of knowing if something very obvious takes place.

Speaking of surveillance (using tracking device and VAR device in car at the moment) the added benefit is that it allows me corroborate with the information she shares. This is valuable since it's exhibiting to me a willingness to lie, or not.

And I'm happy to report (cautiously optimistic) that I've yet to catch her in any sort of lie. So far she seems to be perfectly honest with me.

The only really nagging thing is that she is *VERY* protective of her phone and I am trying to find a way to capture her pin entry so that I can look into that.

Still patiently observing and preparing myself for either outcome.

The only really nagging thing is that she is *VERY* protective of her phone and I am trying to find a way to capture her pin entry so that I can look into that.

Try this: "Wife, my phone just died and I need to make an important call. Can I use yours?" If she says no, I would insist on knowing why you can’t so much as place a call. If she unlocks her phone and hands it to you, lock her phone and say "Oops! I accidentally locked it. What’s your code?". If she refuses to give it to you, it’s time to have a serious talk about marriage and privacy vs. secrecy. Privacy is warranted for bowel movements. Secrecy is what she seems to be up to, which is at best destructive to trust within a marriage (what’s she hiding?) or worse, she knows damn well what she’s hiding. If she claims to have sensitive client files on her phone, promise her you won’t look at them, and ask her "Why don’t you trust me?".

At home: Is her phone using a wireless network or still on her phone-plan?
If a wireless network and if you have a technical inclination, you can access your router and monitor what sites she might be using.

Both me and my wife work data-sensitive jobs: She in healthcare and me in large-scale financial management systems. Both have phones provided by our employers, and both have confidentiality clauses. We both tend to guard our phones, and seldom share. Yet... I do know her pin, and she mine. I would still feel uncomfortable if she took my phone and started browsing on it – not because of what she might find, but more because it would be a breach of a confidentiality agreement I committed to. Just like me seeing medical notes on her phone would be a definite no-no.

--
The key is in the VAR IMHO. If there was an affair they will talk. Depending on the sensitivity of your VAR settings – they might communicate via texts, but that won’t be done while driving. Unusual stops, long pauses before setting off or leaving the vehicle... But frankly – if you don’t catch anything in the next 2 weeks then remember: You are looking for the truth, and not an affair.

Of course, there is the off chance that she had an affair on that trip. A one-night-stand resulting in the pregnancy. That there is no contact anyways with the OM (albeit that won’t explain the phone behavior). If you have ANY doubts then do one of those DNA genetic online tests once the baby is born (you can do those without her knowledge) and then use that to get the truth. Just keep in mind that most states offer a limited window to refute paternity, and that if you do this AFTER that window closes you can be deemed the child’s legal father (ie he who pays the costs...) while acknowledged as not his biological father.

There are a lot of bs here who ignored our gut feeling. Then, obviously, we eventually had a dday.

Always trust your gut.

I would trust my gut far more than a var. Just because you haven't caught her having a phone conversation with him,in the car, means little. Maybe the affair is over. Maybe he is married,and isn't available to talk when she's in the car. Maybe he's working,and unavailable during the time she's in the car. Maybe they don't call, and only text.

Again,I always advise that a person trusts their gut...I think telling someone otherwise is the same as telling someone not to trust themselves. I think that's terrible advice.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:08 PM, Saturday, June 22nd]