SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s been a little over 3 weeks since I found out. My husband was really nice for a few days after but then turned and now refuses to talk to me and gets mad or annoyed when he sees me crying. I was crying on the couch this morning when he came downstairs. I went into the bathroom to cry so I wouldn’t have to deal with him getting mad at me again and the kids started fighting and screaming (they are 6 and 9 and fight all the time and he has never been able to be a real dad and help with it). He went upstairs and slammed the door and then got ready and left the house without a word. I cannot believe he is treating me this way, but the fact that he’s treating my kids this way is even more upsetting. Is this emotional abuse? How can someone do something so horrible and then get mad at others for being sad about it?! I don’t understand how someone can turn into a monster like this.

Doesn’t sound like a remorseful WH. At only 3 weeks post Dday it’s not a good sign. I was like you 3 years in , never mind 3 weeks! And one of the reasons we are still in reconciliation 10 years down the line is because he didn’t get angry when I was sad.

Hi, Marie, I am sorry your husband is treating you this way. It doesn't sound like he's truly remorseful or maybe doesn't want to continue in the marriage. If he was all in R, he would be empathetic and doing everything possible to help you feel safe again.

Unfortunately, he's not doing any of that. If he was in for the long haul, he would understand he dropped a nuclear bomb on your marriage and the fallout is wide, it will take years to move through this living hell.

I don't think he can handle the consequences of his actions. He's probably sorry he got caught, not truly sorry.

Do you have family/friends who can help support you with the children? Can you get out of the house and find something fun to do with just you and the kids. It will give you a respite from your thoughts and will help them get some of their energy out.

To answer your question, not sure if it's emotional abuse or he's in flight mode because he can't handle the aftermath of his affair. In any event, he should not slamming the doors in front of the kids. Children learn what they live.

My wife did that kind of shit, getting angry in response to my heartbreak. Frankly, who cares what you label it, I’ll just call jt evil from my first hand experience with it. And frankly, if it’s not emotional abuse, then that term is meaningless in my book.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this when you need comfort. From reading here not all WS add this depravity to their list of crimes. It is not something you should tolerate, it is incredibly fucked up.

I wonder if his anger is because his AP is now pressuring him a lot to leave you, and he’s still in the home with you?

He hasn’t "decided", but the fact that he hasn’t left IS a decision, and she knows it.

I think she exposed the affair because she got tired of him promising to leave you for her, and he never did. Three years down the line, she’s deep into the affair, he hasn’t done anything to change the dynamic for her, still sneaking around….which means he didn’t want to change a damn thing. He was happy to keep her as a side piece, and wanted his home life just as it was.

He didn’t want her, and didn’t want the mess he’s in.

He may very well have felt like he trapped himself in a completely screwed up thing, and now it’s a hornet’s nest, and he’s saying he isn’t happy? Of course he’s not happy. He has ripped his life apart, by his own doing, and he has no way to make anything right.

He probably thinks there’s no way to repair the damage to the marriage. If you truly want to reconcile, you have to make it clear to him that you want to repair the marriage - but also make it clear that the path to that is completely cutting off the AP forever, no options on that. And that as long as he is in cont with her, you are not willing to be his wife or friend. That this isn’t HIS choice at all - it’s actually YOUR CHOICE, because there are two of you in the marriage, and you both get a vote.

I told my WH that he was free to go to his AP, but once he did that, I was no longer his friend, wife, or anything else. We would be no contact, except for a parenting app that would be anything daughter-related. Any other information would be relayed via attorneys. I would not see him, speak with him, or contact him ever again, because he would have chosen another person to share his life with, and that eliminates me from any further role in his life at all.

He was in shock, because his fantasy didn’t really account for the fact that I would be gone.

This reality resulted in his immediate phone call to AP and telling her that they were done, it was over, and they would never be in contact again.

That "love" they had went "poof" in that moment, according to him. He said it woke like a bomb went off in his brain.

You have the choice in this. You can tell him that YOUR CHOICE would be to recover the marriage, but as long as HIS CHOICE is to hold onto her, your only choice has to be to keep your soul alive by going no contact with him. And that there is a window of opportunity for him to come home, but the window is closing more and more every day.

He probably thinks there’s no way to repair the damage to the marriage. If you truly want to reconcile, you have to make it clear to him that you want to repair the marriage

I’m sorry, but I have to call this out. It does not matter what his reasons are, this behavior is evil and unacceptable. You have no responsibility in him behaving so atrociously. You owe him no signal toward R, and if he was a decent human being he would be comforting you regardless of what he thinks he might gain from it.

I did make it clear to him that my wish would be to repair our marriage and be a happy family. I was still affectionate with him after I found out, even initiating sex, which I think was trauma bonding. I told him he needed to cut her out completely and tell me he wants to be with me and make the effort I was willing to make at the time. He did not respond saying he felt one way or the other but his actions show he does not care and is not willing to repair the marriage. Now I’m starting get anger and feeling foolish for even trying after he hurt me so badly. I had a consultation with a lawyer but it did no go the way I thought it would and it made me even more depressed. But now I think I need to have a more in-depth meeting with one to see exactly what I can get in a divorce and how bad it will be for me financially. I am afraid of him, emotionally, and I don’t even want to talk to him in front of the kids or be alone with him. Which says a lot about how he’s treating me. I don’t even know who this person is anymore.

Marie,

The way you’re feeling is why I think no contact with him might be beneficial. You tell him your wish is reconciliation, but as long as he is with AP, you want nothing to do with him and go no contact. Use a parenting app for anything regarding kids.

I think getting an attorney is your best idea, for sure. Ask about a separation agreement? Some states do that, not sure as I’m not an attorney.

Right now he believes all the choices are his. They aren’t. You have choices, too. While you want reconciliation, the fact is that he is cake eating and you’re the victim of his game. Don’t play it. You can exercise your choice to step back from him and stop talking to him. It will give you a break from his emotional garbage, and also force his AP into a place where she has to be the person who deals with all of his anger and mood swings and bullshit. Right now, he’s doing this at your expense. If you refuse to engage, she gets that deal and you don’t.

If anyone got the impression that I blamed you at all for his affair, they are wrong. My intention in everything I wrote was strictly that you have choices now, and he thinks he holds all the cards. You can tell him what you want and be very strong in demanding that you will not tolerate another minute of his cake eating. And that one more minute of it means he has to leave.

My heart goes out to you. I know this pain. But Bigger has a speech on this site that basically says what I’m talking about here. Look for it.

My husband was really nice for a few days after but then turned and now refuses to talk to me and gets mad or annoyed when he sees me crying.

He's working to find the angle to manipulate you in a way that puts him back in control.

Is this emotional abuse? How can someone do something so horrible and then get mad at others for being sad about it?! I don’t understand how someone can turn into a monster like this.

Of course it is abusive. Why is he doing it? He has lost control, and is desperate to regain it. Loss of control = weak in his mind. He can't tolerate that, and he'll sacrifice his family to regain it.

Hi Marie,

I’m so sorry you are going through this and being so ill treated by you WH.

I think everything 5Decades wrote is very wise. Your WH needs to know you are not going to be an option if he doesn’t stop cake eating.

You are stronger than you think. It’s often said here that you must be ready to leave the marriage in order to save it. And even then WH has no right to be mistreating you this way.

Sending hugs and hope. ❤️

I don’t think anyone really cares for an update, but my husband just told me "go f*ck yourself" in front of our kids because I said maybe a sock neither of us recognized belonged to someone named X (his mistress). No more wine for me I guess.

my husband just told me "go f*ck yourself" in front of our kids

He is emotionally and verbally abusive, he is not remorseful and is ready for you to help him rug sweep it. You need to get you and your kids away from him, it will only escalate. I am so sorry he is doing this.

This is definitely emotional abuse. I would immediately 180 and make preparations for D. Don’t interact with him except for the kids and financials. It takes a long time for a D to be final. If he makes some kind of miraculous turnaround you can always put the breaks on it, but I would start detaching from him and plan your exit. My xWS behaved as your is and put me through False R and continued emotional abuse. If you are worried about your safety you can always stay with friends, family or women’s shelter and have him removed from home with court order until D is final.

Marie, if you aren't already in individual counseling, please do so immediately, try and find someone who specializes in trauma. As for updates, we do all care, know that because we have all been through the struggle you are dealing with. Some of us still are and sharing what we are feeling with those who understand and supports us is what helps to get us through the pain. Right now you are feeling like nothing. Like a piece of garbage that was thrown in the trash. Well, you aren't. You are the faithful one. You are the one who knows what a promise and commitment mean. You are the prize here so don't believe one word otherwise. The sooner you realize this the sooner you will feel the power of the control in your life. Once you learn that you control your future it will become intoxicating. I do agree with the above on doing the 180. Detach from him and focus on you and the children. Keep posting as we are here to support you.

Yes we do care about updates. Because it helps us to give advice based on what is happening NOW!

I’ve been with my H for 35 years. If he ever told me to "f off" he would be one sorry human. And he’d be leaving my home in the next second never to return.

Yes your H is abusive.

My intel is that he wants you to initiate the D. My H did this during his affair. In his mind he believed if I filed for D he could absolve himself of any guilt or blame. As though his cheating had nothing to do with the D 😡.

If you file then he can tell all kinds of lies about how "you wanted the D, not him".

Also additional intel - if the OW is "mad" at him and they are apart, he could be taking his unhappiness over his ego boost no longer being there and providing him with his much needed external validation. So now poor muffin (sarcasm) is alone and mad at YOU because in his mind you are standing in the way of his true love.

In short order get yourself a good counselor and good attorney. Get prepared for at least a separation.

Also I can tell you on dday2 the best move I made was to tell my H I was D him and he was free to go and date anyone he wanted. Consider yourself free and no longer married. All of a sudden he doesn’t want to be w/ the OW but I no longer cared.

Marie,

His fuck you response is another indication that going no contact might be in your best interest.

At the very least, you should be doing the 180 and grey rock right now. Since he is in the house with you, these methods may help you to detach from him.

I really think his AP told you about the affair in an effort to force him to choose her and leave you. Either that, or she was angry at him for some reason and she was out for revenge. Whatever it was, he’s angry about this and you’re being blamed.

You aren’t the reason for the affair, and this situation isn’t your fault. He chose to cheat. 100% his doing.

Right now he thinks he’s in charge of what happens to your marriage. The truth is that there are two of you who have a voice in whether or not this marriage goes forward, and if either one of you say no, it’s over.

The 180 gives you some distance and time. You move yourself into living life, and free yourself from his drama. Take a look at this approach. As you do this every day, you start recognizing that you are an individual, and you begin to be able to free yourself of the entanglement of him and the things he keeps dragging you into. The grey rock works to help you do much the same.

It might help to separate in-house, if you can’t leave and he won’t. Move into another room, consolidate the kids, whatever it takes. Stop doing "wife things" for him. No laundry, no errands, no cooking, nothing that involves what you might do as a wife or friend. That’s what he would get in a divorce, so let him have that.

He will squawk, whatever. Let him. You can respond, "if we were talking about saving the marriage, it might matter, but we aren’t doing that". And let it go. Walk away. Leave any and all arguments sit for now.

Because he isn’t talking about anything but cake eating right now, there is NO DISCUSSION TO BE HAD ABOUT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.

So, don’t argue, just grey rock and 180. He isn’t in anything but infidelity right now. Your job is to get YOURSELF out of infidelity, which means you put on YOUR oxygen mask first. Doing things like the 180 and grey rock, in- house separation if that’s your only choice, going no contact if you possibly can, these are things that will help YOU survive infidelity.

Whether or not your marriage survives infidelity is dependent on whether or not your WH pulls his head out soon enough.

He is abusive. You need to see an attorney and start to separate from him legally, emotionally, and physically.
Start the 180. You are no longer his priority so make sure he isn’t yours. Smile and take care of those babies. They matter, he doesn’t. At all.

Marie

On 9th June you posted your original thread and story in JFO. You got about 2 pages of suggestions on what to do, but stopped responding the same day, after three posts...
In that thread is basically what you need to do...

I can get it you don’t like what we suggest... but with 100% honesty:
AT THE MOMENT your options are to go back to that thread, read the suggestions and then consider your next steps BASED on most of the suggestions there.

Or...
Believe YOUR view that divorce would doom you into an eternity of poverty and you would be wrecking the future of your kids. Settle for an abusive (and YES this is abusive) relationship, accept that he is cheating and although this affair is over he will move on to a new one once he realizes he has you totally 100% in his pocket.
Marie – as a sister I say this: if you cant muster the courage to take the first suggestion then please keep the following in mind: I have experience in dealing with domestic abuse as a cop. Took some courses and all. Although it’s years ago, then human behavior tends to remain the same.
What he is doing NOW is abuse. It’s emotional abuse, and now he’s showing his disregard for you in front of the kids. If you were to decide to remain in an unchanged UNCHANGED marriage then STOP confronting him. Learn to live within the dull, subdued golden-cage he’s offering. Accept that he won’t show you respect, that he will cheat and that he won’t see you as an equal. After all – YOU have decided that you can’t get out of this relationship. Experience shows that those that are abusive progress if confronted. Its emothonal now, but if you dare make demands like he tell you the truth, doesn’t have affairs and all that... this WILL progress to physical. If YOU have DECIDED to accept this as your future... learn to live a subdued emasculated life.

Only... remember... those kids you pretend to be "protecting" will notice, and chances are they will base their future relationships on what mom and dad had.

Personally... I would suggest you go back to your original thread and read the responses and then base your future on ACTION that get’s you out of abuse and infidelity.
It COULD be with him, but only if he realizes that he stands to lose more than he wants to by remaining like he is.