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So WS's younger sister is getting married (date not yet announced). She knows he cheated on me but not all the details. Now she has asked him to officiate their wedding?! I get that she still loves him and wants to support him. That's partly why we told her, but the fact that she wants him to officiate her wedding just utterly baffles me.

I was already dreading having to go, but our kid is excited about it (and doesn't know about WS's affairs), so there's no way for me to get out of this other than faking some terrible last minute illness. I cannot imagine sitting there and listening to my WS - who has cheated on me TWICE, for 3.5 YEARS with AP2 - stand up there spouting some bullshit about love and marriage. How am I going to get through this without bursting into tears in the middle of this ceremony?? Every time I think about it, I'm filled with panic. I haven't cried much in months, but this has sent me over the edge.

NoThanksForTheMemories, I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I completely understand everything you feel. Less than 1 year after my last DDay I would feel exactly the same and today, almost 3 years out, my feelings are similar. Maybe not so much pain and panic as in early days, but I would also feel total disgust at my WH if he stood up and talked about eternal love and comittment after what he put me through. So hypocritical . So my advice is, listen to yourself. If you find it too much, don’t go. I get that your kid is looking forward to it, but maybe it can be a father/child thing and you stay at home? I don't like lying to my kids and they don't know about the affairs either, so if I was in your situation I would probably give them some vague explanation, about not feeling OK enough to go. My boys would probably accept something like that with not too much questions why. How old is your child? Would he/she accept you not going or would he/she dig for reasons or even blame you for not attending?

I think you need to avoid this wedding.

Send your child & spouse. You stay home.

Not negotiable. Explain to the bride you are unable to attend and then just find some me time for yourself that day.

Honestly, I'd have a frank conversation with your WH to figure out a way he can decline officiating.

Did he agree already?

Oh gosh this is a tough one for you. I completely understand why you would feel this way. I scoff whenever anyone talks to me about love and marriage let alone listening to a WS trying to peach about it in front of an audience.

Surely people who know what has happened to you and your marriage they would understand why you just can’t go to this wedding!!!

Fake that illness, let your spouse take your kid.
We have to deal with so many triggers on a daily basis, take care of yourself, put yourself first.

Don't go. Why go? It will be painful,and traumatic. Tell the family you aren't feeling well. End if story. Tell your wh the truth. Exactly what you said here. If he is truly remorseful, he will understand.

It's ok to not go. It's ok to put your healing above people pleasing.

Don't go.

I completely understand why you don't want to be there, but what I'm having trouble with is how your WH can stand up and pontificate. Is he actually okay speaking what I assume will be words like love, loyalty, fidelity, commitment?

Thank you all for the support. To answer some of the questions, our kid is nearly 15yo, so on the one hand, totally capable of attending without me. On the other hand, she is smart and perceptive but also on the autism spectrum and has a lot of anxiety, so I'm not sure if she'd go without me, especially if WS is busy with the ceremony.

Did he agree already?

I think so? He is visiting her right now, and all he sent was a text with a couple of happy emojis. I don't know if he's oblivious to the hypocrisy and/or overwhelmed by the feelings of being loved an honored that they asked. I don't want to tell him to decline - if we end up divorced in a few years (as I'm expecting given current trajectory), there's no need for him to lose out on this opportunity if he's happy to do it.

My focus is on myself (the person I can control is me - thank you, years of therapy), so it's really about how I'm going to deal with it. I'm glad you all seem unanimous that I don't/shouldn't attend. A stomach illness is probably the easiest to fake - no one wants to hear the details of someone else's diarrhea, right?

Ugh, but I hate having to lie, especially to my kid.

I think this is also hitting me harder because SIL has been like my little sister for 30 years. Neither of us has a bio-sister, and we really get along, and it hurts me that she wouldn't anticipate the pain of having WS officiate. She's also generally intelligent, and I'm surprised she doesn't see (or doesn't care about?) the hypocrisy in the situation. I think that is causing me extra distress. But I guess if WS doesn't see it either, maybe it's how they both are wired? I don't know. I'm just super triggered by all of it right now.

If you tell your daughter you aren't feeling good,that isn't a lie. You don't feel good.

I understand not wanting to tell him not to officiate. But it is OK to question him about it. He's supposed to be working on himself. So,at this point, he should have developed some insight. It's ok to ask him,in light of HIS ACTIONS, does he believe he is the best person to officiate a wedding, where the officiant typically talks about fidelity,loyalty,and the importance of being faithful.

Let him choose what he wants to do.

He can attend the wedding as a guest with you at his side... or he can choose to officiate it without you there. That's not a threat or an ultimatum; that's you setting your personal boundaries.

If others ask why you're not there? That's his problem to figure out, not yours.

Same with dealing with your daughter's anxiety. He's a big boy; he can figure out how to support your daughter.

As for how he can comfortably contemplate officiating a marriage after having an affair, it's really not that difficult at all for someone who is very comfortable with lying. If he was able to come home and pretend to be a faithful husband and devoted father-- while shtupping another woman on the side-- for years, then what's 20 minutes of bullshit?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:01 PM, Thursday, July 4th]

I think you might have a hard time at the wedding even if he doesn't "officiate" and completely agree there is no reason you have to be there. The bigger problem is your WH's lack of humility and awareness. Those are poor signs for a successful R. His focus should be fon you and his marriage rather than his sister's. She can find someone else to officiate and still be just as married without his direct involvement. He should be acting like you are when you say "if we D, I dont want him to have missed this". By that I mean you are self aware and looking out for him despite the knife he put in your back for 3 years.

I'm hoping he comes home and says he turned her down. It might happen. If it doesn't, you have to decide 1) do you tell him the impact he is having on you? Or 2) do you not go and let him figure that out in the moment, whenever that is.

[This message edited by Trdd at 8:15 PM, Thursday, July 4th]

If you tell your daughter you aren't feeling good, that isn't a lie. You don't feel good.

Fair point! I will frame it that way in my head.

I think you might have a hard time at the wedding even if he doesn't "officiate" and completely agree there is no reason you have to be there. The bigger problem is your WH's lack of humility and awareness. Those are poor signs for a successful R.

Yes, I was dreading the wedding even as attendees. I haven't been to a wedding since dday, and I am so bitter right now that I don't think I'd enjoy anybody's wedding, much less someone so close to me. Once I have more details, I will start to formulate the right way to get out of it, though there is a part of me that feels guilty about it. Why? I'm still figuring that out.

This is not the only poor sign for successful R that I've observed. I am not very hopeful on that front, thought WS is trying as best as he can. Sometimes that's just not enough, and a person can be super well intentioned but not be able to execute. I feel guilty about that too - that if he's making his best effort, what more can I ask for? But I know at some point I have to decide if his best is enough after being at the receiving end of his worst behavior for 3.5 years.

This wedding stuff really just feels like fate is rubbing salt in my wounds. I know it's not about me, but seriously, why did it have to be now?

I'm hoping he comes home and says he turned her down.

That would be nice! I'm not holding my breath, though.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 1:46 AM, Friday, July 5th]

I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine going to a wedding after this , let alone having my H officiate one.

I would hope he would also turn her down if he was in your H shoes. I believe that if he was truly trying to R he would at least ask how you felt. (That isn’t to be a jerk sorry if it sounds mean). If you were to tell him how you felt and how traumatic the thought of that would be for you and he still did it with no issues? Idk

Regardless I agree with most other people here , I don’t think you should go , your healing comes first.

ETA
My H brother will internally get married and I am already dreading the thought of him being his best man or going to a bachelor party which most likely I wouldn’t allow. So I feel you on this. So many things get ruined.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:08 AM, Friday, July 5th]

I attended a wedding earlier this year and it was torture. I saw so many people crying and wondered how many were crying due to infidelity. It’s put an interesting slant in it.

However I put on a brave face and danced my socks off. I looked great in the pictures and my husband struggled with it all. I am confident around strangers and in large gatherings and I was chatty, fun and made sure I looked good. I really focused on that. ‘You look amazing’ was said many times. I didn’t feel it initially but I did by 7pm.

This may be controversial but you say you doubt you’ll make it anyway. If you are biding time I would go to the wedding. I wouldn’t get involved and I would attend and see what on earth he says and then discuss it afterwards. I would want to see his ability to compartmentalise and twist his words.

My spouse was asked to play a role (the groom who asked was not aware of our situation - most think we have a great and loving marriage) he turned it down immediately. I’m glad because I think I’d have laughed at him had he have said yes. I did not ask him to turn it down. I didn’t need to - he recognised he couldn’t stand up and come out with utter BS.

I do think situations like this either help the WS understand the extent of the damage or they help the BS see they are not reconciliation material. It’s an insight into their mind and thought process. My husband is a people pleaser and him saying no helped me realise he has made changes.

Hah, well, we finally got to talk on the phone last night ... but on speaker with kid and grandparents present. WS says, "Hey, did you see that they want me to officiate the wedding?" Kid's eyes go wide, big smile, says, "Wow!" My response is a more muted, "Yeah, I saw that." WS sounds genuinely happy as he talks about how he'll have lots of time to figure out what to say since they're thinking of having a summer wedding next year. Inside, I'm laughing bitterly.

So I guess not only he has accepted it, he is feeling pleased and proud. Plus our kid knows. Grandparents know. Maybe he's already told others. I have no idea, but he is very image conscious and I can't see him walking this back. I feel like me saying anything negative at this point will only backfire. How would either of us explain his about-face to our family, especially since he expressed zero reservations about doing it?

I do think situations like this either help the WS understand the extent of the damage or they help the BS see they are not reconciliation material. It’s an insight into their mind and thought process. My husband is a people pleaser and him saying no helped me realise he has made changes.

Abcd, this is a great point. My WS is not so much a people pleaser as he is a image manager. He very much derives his self-worth from other people's opinions, and he is acutely aware of that in the context of flattery and attention from women, somewhat aware of it in a professional context, but apparently oblivious to it in a personal context. He thinks he has worked on himself regarding the first point (so he thinks he will be wise to attention from other women in future), but he isn't working on the same problem (as I see it) in other areas of his life.

When I went through the "is it remorse or regret" checklist, I remember noticing that he was remorseful in a lot of ways, but one big exception was humility - he was not eager to open up to people about his actions and to ask forgiveness. I think this is part of AA's recovery (where you apologize and, if allowed, atone for the hurt you've caused)? Some of his reluctance might stem from us not telling our child, but even there, it would've meant a lot to me had he offered and been willing to talk to her. *I* was the one who told some friends. At first I felt like I should ask his permission, because we never used to take relationship problems outside the marriage, but then I realized that his infidelity had negated that arrangement so I just told the people I needed to tell for support. He had to deal with the fallout (which was never bad - my friends are very kind people).

My armchair analysis is that he is still mired in shame and trying to protect his ego as much as he can. He wants to believe that now that he's ended the affair and come back to me in his heart, he is fully reformed and doesn't have to do any further work or change.

Anyway, long-winded way of saying that yes, this whole wedding thing is more fuel for the "eventual divorce" fire.

Abcd, perhaps a year from now, I'll be able to follow your example and own being at the wedding and being fabulous. I'm so impressed that you could inhabit such a positive state of mind about the whole thing!

If the Sister knows about the infidelity, he should decline to officiate, but attend with you and your daughter. He should be honest and tell her it wouldn’t be appropriate for him right now.

I agree with Tanner. He should decline.

Also? Transparency, after some time has passed since dday, goes both ways. You need to be honest with him. Tell him exactly how you feel about this. Ask him how he feels it is appropriate for him to speak about commitment, loyalty,etc.

Also..I'd have a conversation with SIL. You seem to be close. Ask her why she feels it's appropriate for him to officiate.

Honestly, I'd be pissed at both of them. They're both completely pretending he didn't cheat,for years,and they're absolutely dismissing the damage he caused,and your pain.

If he thinks just because he's stopped cheating,that's all the work he needs to be doing,you need to shine some light on that delusion. Immediately.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:27 PM, Friday, July 5th]

This sets up a common dynamic, do you tell him what you want him to do or sit back and hope he figures it out?

It appears he's oblivious to the impact on you and it seems like this is not such a rare thing with WS. In general, holding someone accountable without providing interim feedback on their performance is certainly not ideal. However there is the emotional aspect here and also potentially an assessment piece of how he actually thinks and feels that might help you determine if R is going to work. But on the other hand, how will he know the impact on you if you don't share it? Andth if you did share it and he then declines, you could still observe does he decline with resentment or declines willingly and gladly due to understanding your needs?

What path do you think is best for you to take?

Wow, yet again I see incredible similarities in another WH. My husband is also slated to officiate at our son's best friend's wedding in October. He is like our son really. But when he finds out, will he want him to officiate? How can these guys stand up in front of family and friends, quote some Bible verses (in my case this is how he does weddings) with a straight face??? Ffs. The hypocrisy. It is not ok. Out of the 9 or so weddings my husband has officiated in the past 10 years, 4 are still "ok". If my brother was a confirmed cheater, why would I want him officiating my wedding?

Granted, it is easy to have rose colored glasses when it comes to close family, but come on?! How would your SIL not know this is bare minimum, poor form, and more appropriately, super insensitive to you?

I wonder how my SIL will respond when I finally OUT my WH?

I get that your daughter will have difficulty with this, but is there a way you can partially explain things to her without being too explicit? In this world we have been forced into, I feel like full honesty is like life or death necessary. I am absolutely triggered by any hint of dishonesty, but of course that is me.