SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry it has been a while. So here I am again. 6 weeks after text messages to the Ap that he ‘love her’ and us separating for a bit, I am here again. I think at this point in time I need to ask myself as someone put in another thread ‘why do I put up with this?
I gave him yet another chance based on some string conditions. these were acces ago his phone and cutting all contact. Two weeks ago we had a fight and he went to a hotel. I have found out yesterday after searching his phone that he sent emails to her that night asking her to call him. Not sure if she did. Then I searched WhatsApp to find that instead of her being blacked he has hidden the chat with her.

I was furious again, maybe I am addicted to this. I was so angry with him, woke him up and was cross and shouting. Anyway today he is all excuses again, I am making a mountain out of a molehill, he has done nothing wrong. I am being mean and abusive. This is all in the backdrop of my parents coming over for the first time in 2 years and he was so mad the first night they were here wanted to know every detail of the conversation I had about him and accused me of gaslighting him, after I dropped them to a hotel. He wouldn’t allow me to watch the tv or read my book kept turning the light off on me called my mum horrible names and called me abusive as I said I felt threatened.

At this point I feel there is something wrong with me why do I continue to put up with this, why do I play detective? Why does he not leave? Why can’t he just end it with her.

I was furious again, maybe I am addicted to this.

Maybe you are. Many people thrive on drama. Or maybe you're just scared about what life will be like if you leave him, so you're reluctant to take action.

He's still in an active affair. He's trying to gaslight you. He's abusive to you. What would your advice be if a friend was experiencing this?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:38 PM, Monday, March 31st]

Why can’t he just end it with her.

IMO because he doesn’t want to and doesn’t have a real need to do so from you on how you continue to walk boundaries, etc. back.

Get back to a hard 180. Put yourself and your kids as priority and stop engaging with him. Plan for your future, but just stop using the hopium pipe.

You are not being abusive HE IS. Omg reading that made me angry for you. You do not deserve this kind of treatment from a partner ever! He is gaslighting you and using DARVO because you caught him breaking NC (or at least trying to) again.

I believe your fear of leaving and the unknown is keeping you there. Plus you may be trauma bonded to him with all the emotional abuse he dishes out. You probably are constantly second guessing yourself.

You can start to plan your exit (I would not tell him of any plans due to his abusive nature). Keep doing the 180 so that you can begin to detach from him and start to see your way out more clearly. Talk to your parents about your plans they may even offer to help you get out. See an IC to discuss your plan and also discuss the abuse in the M.

I stayed too long I was also very afraid to leave. My xWS was very emotionally abusive and physical a couple of times. What I did was completely detach from him, made sure I could be financially on my own and I planned my exit. We were IHS for a year but it was hell on earth I almost went to the mental hospital again. He knew I was going to move out and constantly made comments about it, banged the furniture I set aside that I was planning on taking. He tried to bait me into fight at which time I would leave the house. He slammed the door on my cat. I almost got physical with him then but stopped myself because I think he wanted to have me arrested. Kitty was ok thankfully. We obviously slept in separate rooms and I kept any conversations to a minimum with no emotion. I couldn't get out of there quick enough. I finally secured a place and had my mom come over on my moving out day so that xWS couldn't do anything weird. If I could do it, I promise that you can too. Hugs!

Cheaters choose both as long as both is an option.

Cheaters choose both as long as both is an option.

BOOM. Nailed it.

Remind yourself of the following:

A message in itself is rarely a big deal. A message to an ap requesting contact is rarely not a big deal.

You're not putting up with a single message. You're putting up with a continuing affair and abuse. The single message could be like the straw that broke the camel's back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:34 PM, Monday, March 31st]

Why does he not leave? Why can’t he just end it with her.

He doesn't want to. He likes all the stability of home and the cheap thrill on the side.

And I'm beginning to think if I looked DARVO up in the dictionary that your WH face would be there.

And this....

He wouldn’t allow me to watch the tv or read my book kept turning the light off on me called my mum horrible names and called me abusive as I said I felt threatened.

This is just plain mean. And if this is what your life is like with him on a good day - RUN.

"Why can’t he just end it with her"

A better question:

Why can’t you just end it with him?

Why can’t you just end it with him?

Dig deep, and figure this out.

Maybe there are good reasons. Maybe not.

But you can’t make good decisions from a place of confusion.

Maybe a therapist can help.

Lemon,

Gently- the question is why aren’t you leaving?

Please get into IC and figure this out. You just had a new DDAY IMO. Whether or not she called back, he broke NC and has been continuing the affair. How many DDAYs are okay?

You can stop this. It is hard as hell, but you are already in hell.
I went through false R for a year and it is so damaging.

What would you say to any other poster if they were in your shoes.

Please look out for you. Sending strength and (((hugs))).

After the initial dd my wh was still in the fog. I could sense it. I could cut the fog with a scissor. A month passed and of course I was furious and he wouldn’t admit. During an awful fight (one more awful fight) he left and he called her. She was on vacation. He returned home. And although he didn’t tell me he broke NC, he told me that he was in love with her. That was something like a salvation to me. I think I had an out of body experience where i could look myself, him, and her from above. That was the moment when I said to him that he could do whatever he wanted, I couldn’t care less, and that I am taking myself out of this equation. And left. We already had plans for a weekend with our kids, and I said to him that he couldn’t come. It was over. It was still 3 o clock in the morning so, after saying the above to him I went to bed, numb but also serene. From that moment it was like a lightbulb went on in his head. He begged for the entire weekend and all I could say to him was that he was ruining my weekend too…. Anyway I returned and slowly we reconciled, at first I honestly told him that I ll give a chance just for the kids…

Anyway, all this to conclude that I had to see the situation from the "outside ". And the situation was lame. Only then I was capable of reacting to this situation in accordance with my deepest feelings and thoughts and general beliefs. And only then, he came to see the situation from my eyes, and everything stopped! Oh not everything. He TT until he felt safe to tell me everything (that’s an overstatement but anyway), and scared enough because everything he didn’t admit I was able to find out… The audacity! The cruelty!!!

I am giving you these details because there’s nothing honourable to what they are doing, you rightfully so feeling devalued. Look at your value! Look at your wellbeing! He doesn’t deserve at this point nothing! And you don’t deserve this treatment. Nobody does!

[This message edited by Phosphorescent at 5:14 AM, Tuesday, April 1st]

I'm no expert but...

You stay because you are in an abusive relationship and often the victims find it very difficult to leave. Years of conditioning you, belittling you, abusing you have left you dependent on him (or so you think).

I'd seriously look into support for abused women. A women's shelter might have someone you can talk to or at least begin the journey toward finding the right help.

It can take abused women YEARS to leave and many, never do

Part of the abuse cycle is a dopamine hit. No, not when he's yelling at your or cheating on you, but when he pretends to be sorry or comforts you or agrees to try harder. The high from that is a very real chemical process in your body. It feels so good versus when he is abusing you. You crave it. You're addicted to chasing that feeling.

The cycle is intermittent reinforcement. It's used to train dogs.

You are an abused woman who needs help from someone who specializes in cycles of abuse.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the replies. I feel really horrible today. I don’t think he is abusive I feel equally as bad. I wish I didn’t argue. I feel like such a mess and the poor kids, every time I found out N/C has been broken I get angry and upset and it is just bad for them.

He gets obsessed with knowing everything my parents said about him when they were here which I don’t feel I should have to share as I am not allowed to know about any conversations he has with the ap and gets angry and aggressive when I don’t tell him.

Another thing that got me upset recently was he took out a loan without telling me. Then when a letter came about it, initally he lied and then came clean that he did get a loan. I just feel our relationship has no firm foundation of any kind of trust.

I wish I could just react calmly or stop acting detective as what’s the point I then forgive him. I just can’t seem to leave , I feel like a failure and so ground down by it all.

Lemonpie, abuse can look like a lot of different things. My WS was abuse during his affair and for the first year or so after dday1, and I didn't think of his behavior as abusive because I had a very narrow definition of the word in my head. Then I read this list, and I realized that he fit the profile after all. Abuse can look a lot like being angry, controlling, demanding, and/or insulting. It leaves you feeling terrible about yourself.

This list is from a safe house alliance, and it's a checklist for women to evaluate if their male partner/spouse is still being abusive:

- Has he Learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly from his?

- Is he accepting of your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mistreating you?

- Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know here you are and whom you are with?

- Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including your behavior as and excuse for his?

- Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt trips?

- Has he stopped cheating and flirting with other women, or using other behaviors that keep you anxious that he will stray?

- Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn’t like them?

- Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him?

- Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you?

- Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves towards your children)?

- Has he greatly reduced or eliminated the use of controlling behavior (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect and superiority) during conversations or arguments?

- When he does slip back into controlling behavior. does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep working on improving?

- Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to constantly be reminded?

- Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish and self-centered?

- Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in your own name?

- Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidating?

- Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted and treating you like a servant?

- Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them?

Taking out a loan without telling you is financial betrayal. Demanding to know what your parents said about him is him trying to control you. It's natural for you to get angry when someone hurts you - anger is a healthy response to that. You're in a toxic relationship with someone who cannot/will not stop hurting you.

Have you read the fear vs. reality thread in the Divorce/Separation forum? It might help you gain the strength you need to protect yourself and your children from this cycle of emotional abuse that you are currently in.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 7:15 AM, Thursday, April 3rd]

I don’t think he is abusive I feel equally as bad.

Well from what you have written in this thread and the past he is abusive. As much as you are trying to not accept that you probably should. You haven't done anything wrong. Your arguments with him are reactions to his abuse. There is nothing for you to feel bad about. Please detach from him so that some of this stuff doesn't affect you. I know you are afraid to leave but if you stay his treatment and abuse will continue indefinitely.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:41 PM, Thursday, April 3rd]

I don't usually post simply to voice agreement.

But abuse is a serious problem, and continued abuse is more serious with each event.

I agree with those who have said you stay because you're blind to the abuse, as are most victims.

We are observing, not criticizing. I think we all know how difficult it is to change when not under pressure, and we all know it's even more difficult to change while under the pressure of constant abuse.

But you're the only on who can help you right now. Asking 'Why do I put up with it' is a good start.