SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to know thoughts on this exchange, he is WH and I'll refer to her as "Jane". He did tell me they discussed being on/off camera, and then a bunch of work-related questions and I was more than welcome to look. They were IM'ing during a meeting, she initiated and he asked about being on camera...

Jane: Same reason yours isn't on either
WH: we all want to see you Jane. lol
Jane: My beauty may cause shock and awe. LOL
WH: well of course, when you got it u got it, flaunt it. I don't want anyone to vomit when they see me. I am having a bad hair day.

Then it went all work-related. Before DDay I would have never thought anything about this. Now I just want a pulse check from my SI peeps.
What are your thoughts?

A) Nothing concerning
B) Slippery Slope
C) Red Flag
D) Something else?

Super quick history for context who don't know my story. My WH hid some texts between him and a coworker because they were inappropriate, flirty, banter. She lives in another state far away. I found the text thread and stopped anything from going further. I asked that he not let her know I saw the texts and just not respond as often, distance himself a bit, and never initiate conversation, and update me on any exchanges, with open access. He has stuck to this, it's been 20 months.

Thanks for any opinions.

Calmly ask him to reverse the two people involved. If you texted a man with this kind of banter what would he think. Talking about looks of the other person is slippery.

It struck me as a seriously lame response to Jane’s light-hearted deflection when he chose not to accept that she wasn’t presentable. Does he often channel Austin Powers? "If you’ve got it, flaunt it." Really? That line was tired by the 70’s. Given his history, I am calling this slippery slope territory. He was fishing when he threw that line in her direction.

If HR saw the message, what would they think?

Would he text that to a male coworker?

I see slippery slope close to red flag, given previous behavior.

Has he read Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass? Maybe you can read it and discuss it together.

I don't think HR would have an issue, at least not where he works. What bothers me is that this isn't apparent to him, to avoid mentioning looks, and that it would take pointing out, reminding, coaching, etc.
Should it be obvious? I think it should right?

I worked in a very, very male dominated industry.

If he worked for me, and Jane brought me that exchange, I would have had a talk with him and sent him for some training.

Unprofessional and inappropriate.

It’s a big no from me.

People tend to do what has worked for them in the past. Your husband needs to unlearn a bad habit. Sooner or later commenting on a woman’s appearance will land him in hot water, at home and at work.

In reading that exchange- slippery slope for me. I agree he seemed to be fishing a bit and probably only stopped that type of interaction because she did not respond to his bid for attention concerning his looks- "don’t want people to vomit"🤮

Crosses a comfortable line for me, but what matters is how you feel.

the "I don't want people to vomit" felt like a bid to me too. Like a need for reassurance, being told he is good-looking looking, which she has told him in the past.

I don't feel irritated or angry. More removed, like I'm just obtaining information to determine the future. I also feel pity followed by guilt, which I'm quickly working on extinguishing.

People tend to do what has worked for them in the past. Your husband needs to unlearn a bad habit. Sooner or later commenting on a woman’s appearance will land him in hot water, at home and at work.

I think this is the answer. And I agree that this could warrant some sexual harassment training and possibly a write-up if the woman pushed it. Also, it makes him look like a dinosaur.

Is Jane the AP?

I read this as flirty banter and I would have a BIG issue with it especially after an A. I would have an issue with it if my current partner did this and he hasn't betrayed me... yet. Sounds like the same kind of behaviors that take one down the slippery slope.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:33 PM, Thursday, April 3rd]

Flirting is a bad boundary — and twice as bad after an A.

If you got it, flaunt it?

As others mentioned, it isn’t HR worthy but there is no need to throw some validation at someone and hope for some in return. Sounds like a WS who either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about hanging out on a slippery slope.

This isn't the AP in which he had a PA (kissing) with. It's 1 of the 2 OW he had inappropriate flirty crossing the line exchanges with, and purposely hid from me. He isn't hiding it now, and so far it's all been very professional and work-related. He doesn't initiate conversations. This, however, strikes me as going back to old patterns. Maybe he didn't think I'd take him up on looking at him? I looked when he was away from computer. I don't think he gets it and will always need me to explain, remind, and coach.

I sort of thought you had walked away from focusing on him for the time being. Are you guys still doing that?

I mean I think you have been clear you know he hasn’t changed a bit. And if this is someone he had already been having cross the line conversations with and you asked him not to then this is more than just a slippery slope, this is a direct disregard of your stated feelings.

I sort of think expecting him to change is magical thinking, he doesn’t seem capable of that kind of introspection, he is used to being parented. He has the instincts of a 14 year old.

HO - Yes, we are still doing "operation cease fire". He told me about this exchange as part of our plan regarding being forth coming and alerting me to any interactions. So in turn it triggered me to review the interaction. Magical thinking is a great explanation.

Though alerting you is a good thing. Not understanding appropriate is not a good thing. I can see why you are always torn.

For me, I would thank him for alerting you (maybe, maybe not) and leave it at that so you can remain detached. He obviously doesn’t get it but at the same time it’s not your job to teach him. You have to take off the training wheels and not get into emotionally entangled conversations with him. I do think it’s a big improvement for him to bring that to you especially while in this separated state but it only means he didn’t see anything wrong with it. It’s just more of the same and I would keep doing your own thing personally.

In my world, this is HR worthy.

And here’s what happens. Jane doesn’t mind, and wants to brag to a female co-worker about the attention she’s getting.

Co-worker says, "Yuck. He sends me that kind of crap, too. And Cheryl in accounting complained to me about him."

And the ball that has started rolling rolls right into HR.

And if there is a manager/subordinate thing here, it could get be serious.

He should get reprimanded for this. He’s exposing his employer to trouble. It’s not 40 years ago.

And, for lessthinking, where might this conversation have gone if Jane had responded more receptively?

(D) As awful as you can imagine. He is UNFAITHFUL to you, by that very exchange alone. Even if that text exchange is "it" (yeah right!) and she is not reciprocating his feelings.

It would be a SERIOUS red flag even if your H didn't have a history of cheating. As he does, that makes it even worse. He knows how bad his behaviour is to you and yet he id doing it anyway.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 7:22 PM, Thursday, April 3rd]