SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Having to dig through old texts, not for pain shopping, but to help with what I have coming up in the next few weeks. Unfortunately it’s becoming pain shopping.

Back in summer of ‘21 I was deployed to a location in Eastern Europe, now that I know so many more precise details/dates, I found the message I sent her literally the morning after she had sex with AP first time. Of course I had no idea that had happened at the time.

"You’re the best wife a man could ever have"

I’m sorry friend.

I recommend you resist the urge to pain shop. Hold your nose, get whatever you need, and get out. Go watch the new Deadpool movie to get you mind off it again.

You are going to make it, strong and whole.

I recall reviewing everything and I mean everything when the grand surprise was dropped upon me.

I think we all find things that shock, hurts and embarrasses a betrayed. I've always remember one particular communication (that I will not share) where the level of betrayal was laid bare.

It is a moment of truth in their web of lies and shows who and what the WW really is at the core of their being.

It really provides protection from the apologies later...

HellIsNotHalfFull

First thing that came to mind after reading your post -

Movie "Road House" 1989 Sam Elliot fight scene "That's gotta hurt!"

If you go to "IMDB" and look up the movie - I think the scene is one of the shorts included in the review

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 2:12 AM, Friday, July 26th]

I am sorry HNHF-

One day, and it’s not as long into the future as you might think- you are going to realize you are the best thing that ever happened to that woman and she was too idiotic to see it.

And one day she will realize that too, after karma has chewed her up. I know that you want the best for her just in terms of being for the kids. I am not wishing bad on her. I am just saying she wasted every opportunity, doing stupid duplicitous stuff that she will soon see got her nowhere.

That’s not enough probably to help the pain you are in right now, or to soothe the fears you have of the future. But just know that you can hold your head high and the karma that comes to you will surprise you and delight you. We are not meant to know or understand the ways of the Devine, but I truly believe you will be blessed in ways you can’t even fathom right now. The tide always changes, and you are worthy of so much happiness, love, peace. These times are temporary, take some time to try to listen as you are guided on this new path.

My story is in my profile, but I NEVER had any suspicions before catching them in our bed in our apartment.
Best way to make extra cash as a cop is to work weekends and nights. We were stockpiling cash to pay for out grand planned future (white wedding, picket-fence house in the suburbs and all that...) so there was hardly a Thursday to Sunday night where I wasn’t doing my hours or working extra shifts.
My then-fiancé often went out, allegedly with her BFF’s, on weekends and such. I have learned since that most of the times it was exactly that – going to a bar or club with her friends, having a few drinks and dancing and then getting back home.
Turns out that at a certain stage of inebriation she had a tendency to make out or hook up with the catch of the day. I later learned of at least 3-4 likely other men, and that these hookups took place in cars, club-toilets and... at least two in my bed.
She would come home (or get out of bed and kick her lover out), shower and then curl under the sheets, knowing I would be back in the next 2-4 hours.

After that – in the months after I walked out of that relationship – I would catch myself wondering about what might have been happening between my sheets on some of those nights... Why was she and the sheets so clammy that Sunday morning three months ago? What was that wet spot on her side that Saturday morning half a year ago? What was the real reason she had just had a shower when I snuggled up to her early mornings (she said it was to get rid of the cigarette smell from the clubs...)? Those early morning intimacy-sessions... was she that into me or still excited from the dick-of-the-day?
All sorts of black thoughts. Thoughts I would really never get an answer to. Questions nobody – not even she – would ever be able to answer trully.

At a certain point – like maybe 3-4 weeks after d-day – I realized that I had to take action to vacate those thoughts. That if I left them to churn in my mind I would again end up sobbing and crying and trying not to look in the direction of my gun as some "solution" to my problems.
I can share what I did – I made a very conscious decision to be aware of my thinking, and to avoid remaining there. I did a list of chores and activities, and if I realized that I was dwelling on negative thoughts I set a mental-timer and once it rang out I would do one of those chores.
Wouldn’t believe how cleaning the bathroom at one in the night can make you start to think more positively, or doing a 5 mile jog, or detailing your car, or sorting your fishing gear... I found that by consciously recognizing that I was entering that negative pattern, and then consciously deciding on actions to stop it, and then consciously carrying out that action... helped me move on.

Ink,

Truthfully I am not pain shopping. I unfortunately have to dig in the messages for an upcoming legal action. Not looking for anything about the affair itself. It’s also, unfortunately all tied in together so I have to power through it.

HikingOut,

Thank you for the kind words. I truly don’t wish her any ill, and I hope that she can fix the darkness that has plagued her. I don’t believe she’s malicious, just swept away in her own selfishness and entitlement. I just can’t be with her anymore.

Hardyfool,

Yeah I think you nailed it. Seeing that message in the context of what I now know was really going on has opened a door and showed me the truth about everything.

Ex went out of her way to say I was being an asshole and not "making her feel loved" before I even suspected the A. Now I’m remembering that was simply not true at all.

I may be aging myself with this comment, but do you remember the old Looney tunes, when Bugs would trick someone and their head would turn into a lollipop? I felt like that so often after finding out about the A.

WH and I were training for a half-marathon towards the end of his A. The plan was he would run one and I would play support and then he would support me while I ran mine. I was working on how to support him. I created my own trail that I would follow to meet him along his path. I listed out everything I would carry in my pack so that I could help -- bandaids, fluids, protein, etc. I also planned to hold up signs of support, so that it would be easy to find me.

So while he was busy having his A, I was busy coming up with slogans. This man was going to allow me to stand on the side of the road holding a sign reading "World's Proudest Wife." Fucktard.

[This message edited by SadieMae at 2:43 PM, Friday, July 26th]

Thank you for the kind words. I truly don’t wish her any ill, and I hope that she can fix the darkness that has plagued her. I don’t believe she’s malicious, just swept away in her own selfishness and entitlement. I just can’t be with her anymore.

Absolutely.

Just keep in mind that while she may not be intentionally malicious, keeping you in false R still was malicious. And it’s okay to let yourself feel angry about that at some point. And maybe you are or have been.

I am saying this in the context of I sometimes have difficulty allowing myself to feel anger at things like that because I am so understanding. But anger is an important stage of grief. It’s normal right now for some of the other feelings to come in. And it’s great you fully recognize this brokenness is what consumes her rather than her having vengeance on you, because that is most often the case.

When I found out my husband was having an 18 month affair with our employee in our home while acting like our reconciliation was going great (even gifting me with a new ring that I now call the "guilt ring"), it was disorienting. But I spent so much time understanding him and blaming myself that I suppressed the anger. Anger to me was a negative emotion. But in healing it’s a way of recognizing an injustice has taken place to a person that I should love (me). If my best friend had told me this all happened to her I would have been angry for her, affording that to myself was no where to be found.

All this to say you have to be your own best friend. I recognize you are a such a good husband and father that you are accustomed to putting others forst. But talk to yourself like you are your own best friend. Foster that during this time. You will find that you will come out of this in a higher place by being mindful of that mentality.

And of course, I am not saying you should be angry now. But even if the intention wasn’t malicious, you have experienced something that was malicious all the same. Take god care of yourself and I am so glad to see you posting and continuing to allow us to support you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:20 PM, Friday, July 26th]

Wherever they go there they are. Whatever they did they did. You can get through this because on the other side her "wonderfulness" is going to be absent from your home.

Someone, somewhere, mentioned that underneath all the anger and pain is the fear of abandonment. Once you look at the fact that you were abandoned emotionally you can begin to let go emotionally.

Looking through the sh** clicks right back into those neg emotions but they are temporary. Once you get past it you will be fine.

It's awful looking back on these things and of course it is upsetting. I'm sorry you have to go through these texts. There are so many instances of these things during my xWS's A's. I will not forget the time I was helping him start up his company doing all his marketing and graphics all while he was carrying on behind my back with the MOW who worked for him. Going to the grand opening of his business and seeing her and him up there giving their speeches while I sat in the audience not knowing they were knee deep in it. Being introduced to her, hugging her omg what an idiot I was. The people that knew that didn't tell me while I carried on as the good wife. I won't even mention the years of his other As before this one. The ones I didn't know about yet because the info came out later (the clues were there though). Too many years I spent doing so much for this man while I was just a front for his deviant lifestyle.

You will process this, it will get sorted in your mind and eventually it just becomes more of the proof of who our WS's really are.

One day you will look back and it will become irrelevant as your new life takes off. You find a renewed strength and happiness. Peace from the chaos and one day you will meet someone else that makes your WS look like the devil. It's a rebirth in a way a metamorphosis of a new life.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 4:22 PM, Friday, July 26th]

Ex went out of her way to say I was being an asshole and not "making her feel loved" before I even suspected the A. Now I’m remembering that was simply not true at all.

Well if there's any benefit to this round of painshopping, it's that it reconnected you with reality after so much time spent trying to view the world through her warped lens in an effort to understand her.

Sorry you're having to go through old messages HINHF.

It's horrible looking back at when you thought things were good but they weren't. After my partner cheated, I actually deleted all of our messages to each other. I kept looking back over them and it made me angry and sad. Although it sounds like it's a good thing you kept yours if they're necessary for legal reasons.

Maybe when you no longer need them you could think about deleting them all? Then you'll never have to read them again.

I hope things improve for you soon. Sending lots of strength to you.

HellIsNotHalfFull

Mentioning a funny part in a movie - meant for you to look and get a smile

Practical side:

this from Bigger
I can share what I did – I made a very conscious decision to be aware of my thinking, and to avoid remaining there. I did a list of chores and activities, and if I realized that I was dwelling on negative thoughts I set a mental-timer and once it rang out I would do one of those chores.
Wouldn’t believe how cleaning the bathroom at one in the night can make you start to think more positively, or doing a 5 mile jog, or detailing your car, or sorting your fishing gear... I found that by consciously recognizing that I was entering that negative pattern, and then consciously deciding on actions to stop it, and then consciously carrying out that action... helped me move on.

After 1st wife and I split - I spent spare time focused on making wood furniture - and annoying a neighbor with my screaming table saw! One has to focus using woodworking power tools or you will lose body parts. Then the time to do a piece and the detailing time-consuming work - makes the time pass nicely.

Some time ago - another poster mentioned he started a car project to take on something to make life better in doing something he liked.

Suggestion - buy a "build-it-yourself" wooden kayak or canoe kit. Then sell it if you don't care about paddling!

Really feel your pain. I realised recently my H had done something absolutely vile on my one of my birthdays. Just hours after he handed me a card in which he'd written "you're my best friend and the most beautiful wife a man could have "
I truly empathise.

I know this sucks, but finding all these things out is almost a blessing in disguise. You were trying so hard to make the best of an awful situation. You seemed lost as to what to do. Kind of stuck in limbo land. Your latest discoveries have moved you take definitive action. Your path is now clear and you won’t be second guessing yourself and trying to save a marriage that probably shouldn’t have been saved.

You gave her every chance to make amends, and she crapped all over that. Move ahead with with what you need to do. It still sucks, but your decision can now be made with a clear conscience.

Like another poster, I reviewed EVERYTHING!

I am so glad text messages were rudimentary from the time of my wife's affair. I had just turned 38 when it started, it lasted from Mother's Day, through her birthday, for both combined which we got her a sporting item that was extremely expensive, elite competition caliber, which in the end it turned out was all part of her affair, through Father's Day until early July at least.

As it was, there were still the credit card statement laying around 9 years later when she finally confessed and I went through them trying to make sense of it all. I finally burned them.

That whole period of time, from my 38th birthday through my 47th, she was lying to me over and over and every card, every gift, everything is tainted with it.

My wife asks me every year what I want for Father's Day. Even over 20 years later, I don't want anything for Father's Day.

If I'd had text messages to review? I don't think we would have reconciled.

The healing is long and plenty painful Friend and you have to go through it, process all the emotions. But even though it may not feel that way, your healing is occurring even as we speak. Eventually even memories such as this, will hurt less and less.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 5:50 PM, Saturday, July 27th]