SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is he on the same work trip your wife is on right now? I re-read your posts and didn't see you say one way or another. I ask only because if he is, it may be an opportunity for you. If you have the means to hire a PI, some very valuable proof might be collected. Proof you could show his wife. Proof you could show your wife to let her know the gig is up. To follow up on Bigger's questions. Other than the broken rear view mirror do you have any reason to believe he was in the area. Does he come to your area sometimes for work stuff?

Edit: I agree you did not screw up as long as you stick to your guns. Easier said than done. Don't beat yourself up.

[This message edited by Legatus at 6:04 PM, Thursday, March 21st]

Please hire a PI. An atty can give you names. It will cost you but you will know what is going on.

This is manipulation on steroids. She is in, she is out. He is in, he is out.

If he is married contact his wife. Do not hesitate.

I am so very sorry you have had to join this group but you will get great advice and support. Remember that each person comes here with their own history so take what you need and leave the rest….although you might need a nudge every now and then.

I also do not think you screwed up. You were probably a little too nice and starting to play pick me, but that’s ok.

You’re in a very uncertain period right now. The ground you thought was rock solid was a lie, and you’re still flailing about trying to find solid footing. You don’t even know what you don’t know. That combined with the emotional turmoil… well, even if you plan out every action and every sentence you say, you are bound to make mistakes. Hell, looking back with hindsight, I probably only got 25% right and 75% wrong at the time. Course I didn’t discover this place until I was really knee deep in it.

As this unfolds, you will find your strength to do and act as necessary. Don’t act or talk from a place of fear. Bargaining with yourself, telling yourself you have to do this or that so she won’t leave will only lead to suffering for you. Do not give up your dignity or your sense of self. That’s a short road to a miserable existence.

You need to get in contact with OMW like yesterday.
Many things that were once unknown will become clear starting from there.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice and replies.

I'm curious why so many folks are pushing to contact the OBS / OMW so quickly. I know it would feel good to me, but also seems like the type of thing that could be held against me as bad behavior or even get me accused one day in court of making up false accusations, etc... (since my physical proof is limited - I don't have pics or screenshots to send her).

If you read through some of the stories here, even going back 20 years you’ll find that the turning point in the Betrayed’s story happened because of exposure. (Most situations. There are always outliers, but in those cases nothing would have helped)

Evidence to present is important. You say you have limited evidence. Like what?

How can you gather more? Spend some time thinking about this.

I felt that way on DDay1 once. Yadda yadda yadda - DDays 2 & 3.

One of my biggest regrets in life [and I'm in my mid 50s] is not exposing to OBS on DDay 1.

Held against you as bad behavior?!?!?! That's rich. The one's having the AFFAIR would accuse you of bad behavior.

No doubt someone will post the ethical reason for letting the OM wife know.
I base it a lot more on selfish reasons…
The typical see-it-all-the-time reaction to d-day is that your wife says the affair is over, let’s her lover know that you have found out and they both agree to end things. Only… three weeks from now OM starts feeling safe that his wife isn’t in the loop, he has an upcoming trip to a conference near your town and an ever-growing bulge in his pants. He might send your WW an innocent text: "How are you?", and your wife responds… and then it goes from there.
Two weeks later your wife says she needs to work late, and next day you notice her vehicle recently filled gas-tank is near empty…
I guestimate this is about AT LEAST half the affairs where there is no exposure. Maybe even 2/3rd…

When you share the news with OM wife… In about 9 out of 10 instances the OM responds like your wife did: Save-the-marriage-mode.
That often includes a NC letter or that he completely shuts off your wife. Somehow being told to get lost by the man who promised you everything is a great libido-killer. It ramifies the shallowness of the infidelity-relationship, and emphasizes what she was risking for such a low payoff.
Plus – you can 100% guarantee that Loverboy cant hide in the den pretending to be texting to his friend Joe in accounting for two hours every night, or has free reign to go to conferences and turn off his phone. He’s on a short leash, and his focus is on saving his marriage.

So that’s why you expose.
You make the infidelity reality, make them both confront that it was a dead-end relationship. Plus you get a watchdog on his end to prevent a rekindling.

NOTHING you can do right now will help your marriage more than exposing.

^^^ LOOK AT HIS POST COUNT.

He’s right, in a very eloquent way.

You told her you wouldn't vent your feelings to her.

No sir.

She's your wife. If she wants to attempt Reconciliation, then she needs to learn to get used to hearing your pain,and anger. She needs to hear it.

You need some requirements for attempting reconciliation.

At minimum...

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Complete honesty at all times.

She gets a new job.

She gets ic to figure out why she cheated.

Zero blame and defensiveness.

She is proactive in healing the damage she has caused you, herself, and the marriage.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Call his wife. If she needs proof, your wife can call her, in your presence, and tell her about the affair. If your wife really wants to reconcile, this is a must..but only if his wife wants it.

I'm here to be the "ethical reason for telling OBS" guy.

And I'll tell you something else, I told another OBS when I found out about another affair, and another, and another.

The reason you tell the OBS is quite simple. It's the categorical imperative, or sort of the "super golden rule" of Kantian ethics. You should act such that the behaviors you exhibit are the universal norm. If you think that someone should tell you if they find out your wife is cheating, then you should tell them. There are a few reasons the categorical imperative is a little more complicated than the golden rule, but not much more complicated.

So if you don't tell OBS, you become a co-conspirator in your wife's affair. You are telling her, "sometimes deception is OK to keep the peace". I think that is never true.

And you want to know something interesting? When another of her friends (yes, the numbers are bad) cheated, my wife encouraged her to come clean with her husband ASAP or else she would tell the husband. Hmmmm, interesting how she has come around on revealing affairs. I suspect it's at least a little bit because I have set an example of zero tolerance for participation in deception.

So tell OBS, not because it feels good, not because sunlight is the best disinfectant (which it is, it's much harder to cheat with both BS's checking notes), not because it will end the A (which it might), but purely because you ethically ought to tell the OBS.

EDIT: I was at one time somewhat derisively referred to as "Captain Infidelity" for this type of action. I wear the label proudly.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:09 AM, Friday, March 22nd]

Well said Captain!

I would add that telling the karma bus driver where to stop might also be quite therapeutic, but I suppose it kind of spoils the purity of your argument.

Right now you are scared to anger your wife because? She has cheated. The person in this equation who should be angry is you! If she starts that cra* shut it down. You tell the other spouse. You draw a line in the sand. If your wife leaves she already had one foot out the door. Any behavior that is negative will tell you where she still is emotionally.

You have the right to make demands.

As to the "proof" aspect, you have her behavior to point to as well. She as much as admitted the emotional affair. Plus, this isn’t a legal case. This doesn’t have to be beyond a reasonable doubt.
In most cases, BWs tend to be more intuitive about their WHs bad behavior than the other way around, so she’s probably sensing something already.

seems like the type of thing that could be held against me as bad behavior

Hey alph, sorry you are going through stuff. Your are new here and so your posts haven’t fleshed out a tremendous amount of detail yet.

As for telling the OBS, the rationale is pretty clear and been covered well over the years. What stood out for me is your above statement. It seems a bit passive to me, though it's only one part of what you said. My concern is, why are you worried about behaving well in front of your Ww? Are you trying to please the person that betrayed you? This smacks of "pickme dance". It does not project an aura of strength and resolve.

Update: I just sent an email and a FB message to the OBS. I don't have a direct phone number to get a hold of her through, otherwise I'd do that. I hope she responds.

Good work Alph, but assume that this is not AP's first rodeo and he may be monitoring his w's comms. He hay intercept snd delete.

And to add, your WW'S reaction in the next day or so will confirm whether or not they are still in contact.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:41 PM, Friday, March 22nd]

Yes that’s another benefit to exposing. Your WW’s reaction will give you an idea of where she is at mentally. Words right now should mean nothing, as you can’t trust her at this point. Her actions will tell you her true words. I would keep the fact that you have/going to tell the OMW to yourself.

FB and email have pretty good "spam" filters and your messages might not get through. I had success on linkedin which basically doesn't screen any first initial message from real people.

Are they on the same trip?
Are you sure there really is a business trip?
I caught my XWW unpacking a little black dress and nice shoes after a field trip with a bunch of hi school girls. I know the trip was legit but did not realize until later the XW had some extra curricular activities scheduled.

The shit will hit the fan if the OBS gets your message prepare for fallout and get STD tested.

Sadly I'm almost positive he's on this trip too, even though it is a "legit" trip. I'm so angry, I'm really about to lose it.

I told her no more lies and she said she can do that. But right now she's with this other guy hiding it from everyone.

I don't know what to do. The not saying anything is eating me up