SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:12 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

IAT...

You are so indignant. As if you have NO CHOICE in this. You slept with him, you allowed him to come over. I'm sorry... this looks more like a toddler having a tantrum that she didn't get her way.

You are an adult responsible for your own decisions. You slept with him knowing he goes back and forth. You haven't filed anything either. You open the door so he can come in.

I really truly want you to get better but this smacks of wayward behavior and thinking. It ALL his fault. No accepting of responsibility for your own healing, your own divorce, your own body, your own children.

You hate him because he took what you offered and when you didn't get what you want you raged. And then he went NC and wouldn't come to counseling session with you where you claim you want peace. But you don't need him to be with you in the session for you to find peace.

He is not healthy. You know you are not healthy but you are angry that he fixing hurt with hurt by not giving you the response you want after you give him sex.

Your frustrated because you're still trying to control him thru sex. LET. IT. GO

You both deserve better

Dup

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 8:38 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:13 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Tomorrow morning, write out three different schedules for pickups/dropoffs. Come up with different options for days/nights you have the kids and he has them. Email them to him. If he opens it, great. If not, have them in writing for the next time he visits the kids. Tell him that one of these needs to be agreed upon UNLESS he other suggestions. You BOTH need to agree on this. It is not "what's best for one and screw the other."

I know that you are hurting right now. I know that you just want to completely vanish. I know that you want to be able to blink your eyes and for none of this to have happened. We all want that. I am sorry that you are in this place right now. It is definitely not one anyone be in. Feeling like you shouldn't exist, that's not a place you should be in. Can he take the kids for a day or two? You need to be able to get all of your feelings out without having to hide them from your children. If he can take them, take the time to scream and cry. Let all of that crap out. Fall to the ground crying or pound on your bed while screaming.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:14 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

IAT...

I am sorry you are hurting. This shit sucks no matter what.

Do you have some IRL support you can arrange so that you can take a break?

IAT

Again, I'm hearing a lot of victim in this. Take control of your life for your kids. There is absolutely NO reason they shouldn't get an answer tonight about when they will next see their dad. Have some empathy for them! They are feeling abandoned and probably think they are responsible for everything going on.

I want him to start working with me to end this.

He wants divorce, but does nothing to get it going. It doesn’t happen overnight. So why wait to work out a coparenting schedule? Pick ups? Start filling out the paperwork. For someone that wants out so badly, there hasn’t been any progress towards an end. When I was begging to do a coparenting schedule, it was “I don’t have a place to live yet.” Ok, so now he moved.

My god. I can't read this without hearing a whiny voice. Read up on the drama triangle.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:15 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:15 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION THAT IS NOT ABOUT THE CHILDREN.

You refuse to see the choices YOUR making. You want him to be the monster so you don't have to take ANY responsibility for your actions (not the affair).

You keep doing the same thing expecting the same result.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:16 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:16 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

You need to go NC with him. He stays at his place, you stay at yours. Absolutely NO conversation with him, unless it is about the kids. When he starts to talk about anything else, then you end the conversation. Talk through email only, if necessary.

Do not allow him to touch you. Don't allow him to talk about his life,or his feelings. You are no longer his wife. He needs to understand that, and you need to act like it.

YOU file for divorce. Immediately. You take control of your life.

I believe you are in a tremendous amount of pain. I believe you,when you say he led you on. That he used you. Yes, it was cruel. But now that you know, it will give you clarity. You are a strong woman. You know what needs to be done. Do it. Stop giving him your power. Stand up. STAND UP.

IAT...

I can offer that it isn't that I don't love my husband...it's that I am angry at myself FOR loving someone who has treated me to horribly. I don't think HM is using you...I think he is just as screwed up emotionally as you are. I think he is both clinging to the comforting disfunction/drama you both know and being angry with himself and you.

How could you sleep with someone else and still say you love your husband? Come home everyday and pretend like life was normal?

IAT...can you get an Emergency apt with your therapist?.I think you need a safe place to dump your feelings.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:01 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:17 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 3:18 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

Why is a BS up and down, one foot in and one foot out? Gee, I can't imagine why...

You have no clue the damage you caused him. I mean you get it, but you can't put yourself there because you have no idea the destruction.

As a bs with one foot in and one foot out, it might be best to do him a favor and file.

Even without the affair, the last 3 years have been a nightmare.

BINGO and that's probably part of the reason you had your affair.

So you had a damaged marriage with a damaged man (

he has a history of codependency and abuse.

) and then you damaged it further with your affair. After which, neither of you was able to set boundaries and so you both got further hurt.

You are also codependent, which is why you are still in it.

He threatened you with the kids - that he wouldn't see them till June. A mother bear would head to the lawyer right there and then. He can take his revenge out on an adult, but not on the kids.

Why would I file when he was adamant that I should never accept divorce no matter what he says?

Because this isn't about him (though that is some screwed up thinking on the part of your 'prince.') It's about you and your kids. And you were in a unfulfilling marriage and had a hole in yourself that was big enough to have an affair. So you need to fix yourself and find out what that hole is about, and why you allowed yourself to be treated like a piece of meat and why you stay in the victim mode. That wasn't happening when you were in the marriage, and it sure as hell isn't going to happen now until you calm yourself down and pull yourself together. (Google grounding skills) But most importantly, you need to protect the kids.

So the first step to setting boundaries is to call the lawyer tomorrow and get the papers filed so that your life can stabilize, so that you have a way of communicating with your co-parent that doesn't involve you continuing to hurt one another. In all likelihood, the court will mandate co-parenting classes for both of you and that will help you both

So much of my life the past 2 years has been him testing me to see if I mean what I say and to see how dedicated I am. How do I know that this isn’t another test?

Why you would want to be with someone who constantly 'tests' you is beyond me. If you want the dynamic to change then you need to do something to change the dynamic.

If I say fuck it and file, am I doing right for both of us to heal

YES!!

As long as we are still not divorced, I hold onto hope

You will have more hope of being with him long term if you demonstrate that you have solid boundaries, because if you'd had boundaries you wouldn't have had an affair. So your best bet is to file for divorce, and start setting and honoring boundaries. Show you've changed. He doesn't need to hear it. He needs to see it. And you need to feel it - so that you don't feel like trash. I don't think this is just about the sex, it's about allowing yourself to be 'tested' all the time. You need to demonstrate respect for yourself if you want someone else to treat you with respect.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 11:40 PM, June 1st (Tuesday)]

You’re focused solely on your pain. You understand objectively that you caused your husband pain but it’s not deeper than that.

- Your husband was a good husband and father before the A

- he trusted you when you took the kids to see your AP on vacation

- you had sex when the kid(s) were present or close by (forget exactly)

- you gas lighted, minimized, TT, lied about the A

- you told your H oral never happened

- AP sends your H a video of oral

- you continue to tell husband that that you don’t remember giving oral

That last bit sent your H over the edge. So you tell me, your husband is the cruel one? He’s terrible because he toyed with you? He used you for sex? You’ve read lots of posts. You don’t actually empathize or see your husband’s behavior being purely a result of the A, and that as a BH can’t control the emotional roller coaster he’s on? He’s supposed to see you as someone other than the person who cheated on him, ripped his heart out, snd destroyed his life?