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I was not expecting you to file for divorce (so soon ?)

That explains her mind set. It is all about herself and she thinks she was holding the cards and expect you to fold down and hope for her return for a long time

Put her outerwear and any other bullshit she may come back for and mail it to her, have someone drop it off, whatever you have to do to minimize her ability to mess with you any further.

Troutman,

The best solution to this:

She is going to have to get in touch at some point as the weather cools. She failed to take any of her outerwear with her when I thought she got the last of her things.

...is to rent a unit from a local storage company for a month, and spend a couple of days having a complete blitz of all her stuff remaining in the former family home. Put all of it in boxes, which go the the storage unit, and then securely mail her the keys, and let her know that she has a month to collect her stuff from there before it gets liquidated. That puts the onus on her to either collect or dump her stuff, and it removes any reason for her to return to your place.

She also hasn't changed her address, and I'm getting annoyed by the pile of mail. Hope there's nothing time critical...

You might be able to arrange a redirection with the post office, but you could also make your wife aware of this, and ask her to change her address as soon as possible, and explain that any snail mail received after eight or ten weeks will go straight into the garbage. You have no obligation to retain or forward mail after what she has done. If you go with the suggestion above, about renting a storage unit for short period, you can chuck any existing mail into the boxes that go into the unit. It would be worthwhile to explain that after a certain date - specified by you - mail to her at your address is going to go straight into the garbage, unopened.

Put her outerwear and any other bullshit she may come back for and mail it to her, have someone drop it off, whatever you have to do to minimize her ability to mess with you any further.

Ha!! You have no idea how much that would cost me to ship. The woman must have twenty coats/jackets/vests. Have I mentioned she has a spending problem? (Thus the high balance credit card I didn't even know she had that came out in disclosure).

Can't imagine who I'd get to drop it off either, No one in my camp is going to be willing to do that.

That puts the onus on her to either collect or dump her stuff, and it removes any reason for her to return to your place.

Problem is it is still our place. Her name on the deed with mine. Can't legally keep her out.

I'm going to drop her current pile of mail in a large envelope at her office (she's only there two days a week, works from rest) on a day she isn't there with a note to change the address.

Her mother actually told me to just take it to the Post Office and say she doesn't live here and I don't have a forwarding address. LOL

[This message edited by Troutman523 at 3:29 AM, Wednesday, September 14th]

Too much focusing on her and not enough focusing on you…

I don’t get it… Still a lot of posts focusing on how you might find happiness or comfort in her future unhappiness. Let’s focus on YOU and IMHO that’s probably best done by completing the divorce and enabling you to move on with detachment.

The mail? Have you tried explaining the issue to her?
"Hi. There is still a lot of mail being dropped off here and some of it might be time-sensitive. You can stop by at a post-office and have the mail automatically diverted to an alternative address or a mail-box."

The rest of her stuff?
Yes – she’s the legal owner of the property with you, but ownership and residence are two separate things. If you were renting your landlord couldn’t keep his golf-set in your kitchen. Once again: ask her if she would be willing to come remove the rest of her personal stuff.
Do you have a spare room? How about CAREFULLY placing what’s hers there.
What does your attorney say? How far can you go in limiting her access to the home?

Focus on your healing and your happiness.

Does she have family in town? If yes drop her crap off there.

At this point I am likely going to put her mail in a large envelope and mail it to her with a note inside to change her address. Done.

Does she have family in town? If yes drop her crap off there.

Her parents live ten minutes from me. However...they have completely cut off all contact with her. Don't think that will work. Her two siblings each live about 1.5 hours away, and I really don't have any desire to interact with them at the moment.

I'll figure it out when she actually comes looking for the stuff. Just working to stay NC as best I can.

Had an e-mail exchange with my attorney today. The divorce complaint is time-stamped with the county today, and she will likely be served in 2-3 days. Ninety day waiting period after that, before it is all filed and then probably another 45 days to finality. My attorney also cleaned up the Settlement Agreement and it looks good to go.

Excellent! Hope the D goes ahead smoothly and as quick as possible. No contact is absolutely the best way to go for your healing. Reading your story, as with so many others, it is hard to fathom the type of person who can lead a double life, all the while pretending to be a loving W and mother, while plotting and scheming a massive betrayal. Most of us can never understand such behavior. There is no answer. Your WW from what you have described is supremely selfish and entitled. I have no idea whether she is a narcissist. That term gets thrown around a lot. But the way you and your boys have been treated so coldly without shame or regret is consistent with “narcissist discard”.

Strength to you. You are doing well. I hope you are getting better sleep. Good luck.

fareast

Thank you. Sleep is still generally elusive. NC has been good as it removes me from her toxic presence. I've had no interaction at all for about three weeks, and that should continue.

It would have been hard for me to fathom this too before DDay...

I did get some nice news yesterday. My sister and her family are going to make the trip from Texas for Thanksgiving. I haven't seen her in person in a couple of years. I was so excited when she told me. It's going to be a ton of work for me to pull it off myself (she'll help when she gets here) but to have them and my boys with me will be pretty awesome. It does make me a bit melancholy for a minute thinking about it. WW and I were an amazing team at making Thanksgiving dinner, we each had our specific specialties and could pull it off in our sleep. I'll get it done!

How are you doing with your sleep? Any better? I just saw an article on CNN about the 4-7-8 breathing method that can help you sleep better. I believe it is a yoga breathing technique. I couldn't post the link on the forum but I think you could find it on their website.
I have had some difficult moments this week(I posted on my I read 180 thread) but good ones,too with my daughter here until tomorrow evening.
I hope you are able to go out and enjoy the beautiful weather this weekend. I figured PA was having great weather too since we are state neighbors . I am glad your family is coming to be with you for Thanksgiving. I know the holidays will be difficult for us this year.

Momof2greatadults

How are you doing with your sleep? Any better? I just saw an article on CNN about the 4-7-8 breathing method that can help you sleep better.

Sadly, no better. My sleep specialist appt. is in a few weeks. I had waves of panic attacks in the middle of the night last night which was pretty awful. I'll look up the article, thanks.

Yes, our weather is perfect today too. I am playing golf with my two sons this afternoon; couldn't ask for anything more. Just hope I have the energy... Last time we played my son wrote "just have fun" on my line on the scorecard on the first hole. Thought that was pretty great.

The holidays are going to be tough for all of us going through this for the first time. Just going to do my best to create new memories.

I have to say, I do love your screen name. I too couldn't be prouder of my two sons.

It's so great that your sister is coming for Thanksgiving!

I just want to give you a quick word about:

It's going to be a ton of work for me to pull it off myself (she'll help when she gets here)

My line in the sand for all holidays (because I do love holidays and the getting together with loved ones) is this:
I only do the work for holidays while I'm enjoying it. When I stop enjoying it, I stop working.

For example, I put out the Christmas decorations that I care most about first. When I start to find decorating a chore, I stop...either for that night or sometimes just stop decorating in general.

What's the point of holidays anyway? Enjoying TIME and EXPERIENCES with loved ones. That's it.

I have used a lot of mindfulness to give myself permission to not always do everything I've done in the past on a holiday just because it's been our/my "tradition."

The real goal on holidays is to enjoy, relax, and commune with others.

I don't need to work myself into a stressed out, frazzled state on holidays. In fact, I shouldn’t.

I had to give myself permission to relax and enjoy the preparations and the day itself.

With that in mind, please give yourself permission to establish new traditions on upcoming holidays or to change the menu a bit for holiday meals.

It's okay if the pies come from Perkins or some great local bakery. It's okay to ask your wonderful kids to pitch in on the side dishes. Hey, a new tradition of working together with them more for holiday meals!

It's really about fun, relaxation, and togetherness.

I do love what your son wrote on your golf scorecard last time. What a wonderful young man. Some father must have raised him right.
Nice job, Dad!

Happy golfing today!

Regarding Thanksgiving… Everyone in my family and there are 15 to 20 of us pitch in to cook and clean. No one person is responsible for everything and I have a huge suggestion which will be a big help for you. Find someone in your community that will cook your turkey for you on the morning of Thanksgiving but you can pick up about noon and lunch about 1 o’clock. That bird is the thing that gets in the way in the chicken. All the rest of the stuff can be done by several people. It works really well and everybody’s in the kitchen enjoying each other

Hey T! I remember my first Thanksgiving on my own. I decided to try making a turkey on my own. Now mind you, I'm a really good cook. I make my own pasta and cook from scratch, but for some unknown reason, I just could not manage a turkey. It tasted good, but looked like one of those WKRP turkeys... haha

Justsomeguy: “I swear, as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!”

Troutman523:

Your Thanksgiving will be great no matter what you serve. Great that your sister is making the trip.

Make new memories and new traditions. It will help you heal. Good luck.

I wonder if EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) might help with the sleep? If your therapist doesn't do it, s/he can probably refer you to someone who can.

My sleep was driving me crazy after dday. Unlike people who have nightmares, my brain just absolutely REFUSED to go anywhere near the trauma. If it popped in, I woke up immediately, exhausted, but unable to get back to sleep. They say you do a lot of processing while you're sleeping, kind of like sorting your files, I guess. And I just wasn't doing that. I would fall asleep for a couple of hours and sleep like the dead, but as soon as I started dreaming, my brain would just flat out go "nuh-uh" and wake me up to keep me from touching on it.

Scientists don't understand exactly how EMDR works, but it's thought that mimicking REM sleep while dealing with your trauma can shift those sticky memories from improper storage and file them where they ought to be. I didn't start EMDR until years later, but I did notice quite a bit of improvement, particularly with visceral symptoms like queasiness, aches, and sleep problems. It's immersive obviously, so you might feel really emotional for a few hours after a session, but for me, the results were so worth it.

Anyway, it's a thought. One other thing that worked for me is putting on the TV, but only on very, very familiar programming. Things I've watched so many times that I know them word for word, and with a lot of dialogue so you're not hearing big explosions and action scenes. It's a Wonderful Life works gangbusters, mostly because I've seen it a hundred times and don't need to see the screen to know exactly what's happening. It's enough to keep the mind from wandering to unpleasantness, but not so interesting as to keep me tuned in.

ChamomileTea

I wonder if EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) might help with the sleep? If your therapist doesn't do it, s/he can probably refer you to someone who can.

My sleep was driving me crazy after dday. Unlike people who have nightmares, my brain just absolutely REFUSED to go anywhere near the trauma. If it popped in, I woke up immediately, exhausted, but unable to get back to sleep. They say you do a lot of processing while you're sleeping, kind of like sorting your files, I guess. And I just wasn't doing that. I would fall asleep for a couple of hours and sleep like the dead, but as soon as I started dreaming, my brain would just flat out go "nuh-uh" and wake me up to keep me from touching on it.

My therapist and I had the EMDR discussion last week, and she doesn't do it but agreed it may help. I will see what the sleep specialist says in that regard too. I go on the 30th.

Your pattern sounds just like mine. I fall asleep OK, something wakes me up in 4-5 hours and I'm done.

Thanks everyone for the Thanskgving ideas. I am a master at the Turkey and Stuffing those were always my roles. I'm not going to overly sweat the rest, whatever I end up serving doesn't matter, it is all about family being together. WW always went crazy overdoing every holiday. Everything always turned out nice, but I don't think she ever really enjoyed the moment, being too foucsed on making sure all the minutiae was perfect.

WKRP Cincinnati
Enjoy your family.

As someone who has suffered from periodic insomnia since I was a teen (periodic in that it will be terrible for months on end and then disappear regardless of any stress/anxiety I am aware of) I have found that doing some of the stuff they say not to do works for me: I have "watched" (or fallen asleep to) every cooking show and home renovation show imaginable. They are easy to watch and don’t really interest me to the point I must know the outcome that minute, and once I gave myself permission to fall asleep during these shows because I could pick up where I left off the next day or next week or never, I tend to watch them until I fade off. This is relatively new for me as up until 10 years ago I could not sleep with any light on at all.

I’m not saying this will work for you but for me keeping my mind occupied is half the battle. Don’t be afraid to buck the common advice about sleep. Sometimes you’re the weird one in the room.

If you think trying to recreate last years traditions will be a trigger then this can be the start of a new alternative Thanksgiving. Instead of traditional turkey and all that stuff then go with some really expensive dry-aged prime rib-eye that you slow cook for hours, along with a home-made from scratch bourbon and cream sauce and whatever. Buy Wagu or Kobe beef, pig out on lobster. Create your OWN traditions.
Rather than have an empty space at the table where everyone glances towards and sighs, then make this YOUR Thanksgiving. Despite all you do have a lot to be thankful for – you are getting out of infidelity!