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Caught my husband cheating 10 days ago. He admitted it after I confronted him. It's been going on for a few months with a co-worker. Ex co-worker now since the husband has been fired. They have been physical but I don't know how many times. I'm devastated, to say the least, he says he loves her and she loves him. She is leaving her husband she is just waiting on him to sign the divorce papers he refuses to sign. I do not know this person or her husband I just know their names and I have tried to look them up on the internet, I know she used to have a facebook but she is nowhere to be found now more than likely she deleted her social media accounts. I'm still in shock, and now I regret even confronting him, he says he doesn't know what he wants but he has feelings for her and still cares about me. He wants to know if I can forgive him and never speak of it again. I've waffled back and forth from I want a divorce now, to OMG I can't live without him. There is no communication between them, my husband doesn't have a cell phone, and he doesn't know how to operate a computer so there has been no communication for at least a week that I know of. He isn't blaming me and has answered questions but it's like pulling teeth. Sorry if this sounds like a bunch of rambling because that's all I have in my head right now.

Oh yeah married for almost 32 years. FML

I’m so sorry for you.

Please do not - I repeat do not - allow him to get you to agree that you can forgive him and never discuss it. That’s is called rug sweeping.

Also why was your husband fired? Was she a subordinate to him? If so, that is a serious situation that could impact future employment for him.

Please find yourself a good counselor. That is what you need right now.

Please don’t feel obligated to make any decisions on your marriage right now. You are not emotionally strong enough to face that moment at this time.

I’m so sorry that you find yourself here, lilbritches. There is nothing like the pain of betrayal, and after such a long marriage, the devastation of the past, present and future can be unbelievably disorienting. So the emotional confusion and wild swinging from one thought to another is completely normal, I’m sorry to say. It may not be the best time to make any decisions either way.

You are with others who truly understand what this is like. The weekends can be a little slow, but a lot of support will be on the way very soon.

For now, know that this is 100 percent on him and his AP and has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do or anything that you are or aren’t. It’s really up to him to show that he is worth spending the rest of your life with. . . Or not.

As painful as it seems right now, continuing on after this betrayal with someone who thinks he gets to demand that you sweep your pain under the rug along with his betrayal and "never speak of it again" is worse, I promise you.

Please take care of yourself right now. It’s really easy to neglect yourself amid this trauma. Drink plenty of water. Try to eat, but if you can’t, try protein shakes. Do some kind of exercise or physical activity if possible to relieve the physical tension the emotional turmoil can produce. Just take a walk outside if nothing else.

And if seeing him causes more pain, take a big break from him, as needed. One of the worst parts of this is that the person who has been our main source of comfort, trust and companionship in our minds is now the source of the worst pain most of us have ever experienced. It is truly a mindf*#&ck of the highest order.

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect to be able to carry on as usual, and DON’T take on providing any comfort or reassurance to him. He is completely responsible for the mess he finds himself in as well as for destroying his family and helping his AP destroy hers. Don’t be so sure that she’ll be leaving her BS just yet. They are both in the throws of a fantasy that has already started to get real with him losing his job. Does her BS know about the A, or were they divorcing anyway? If not, letting him know would be an immense kindness. If you are only getting your information about her from your WH, you don’t really know what’s going on with them unless you get a chance to talk to her BS.

Much more help will be along. In the meantime, I’m sending you huge hugs of support and strength.

This is the worst. There’s no way around that. But you will be okay. Not tomorrow or even soon, but you will be okay. From experience, I can tell you that how you are able to manage these first few months is more important than you think. You will get a lot of good advise on this site, and the more you take it in, the better off you’ll be. It’s not always easy to do that in these first terrible days. Many of us didn’t and paid a heavier price.

So aside from taking care of yourself, I’ll say don’t make any decisions just yet. Watch and listen—what he does over the coming weeks will likely tell you what you need to know. Don’t give him much to respond to right now if he’s not willing to help you recover by being overcome with remorse over what he’s done to you, let him see what it’s like not to have your support in this mess right now.

Finally, if I could start again at dday, one thing I’d do is journal consistently and document information as I learned it. Cheaters lie. ALL of them lie A LOT. THey don’t stop lying just because they’re caught. They blameshift and gaslight and change their stories. For your own sanity, if you are the type to do so, journaling and documenting can help you verify what he has said and when his story changes. I know this might sound strange at the moment, but being able to reassure yourself that he actually said something when 3 weeks later, he’s telling you that you’re crazy and he didn’t can really help you keep your balance. Documenting your feelings can remind you of how much you’ve been hurt when your mind starts telling you that you should agree to just move on to keep him there. It can also really help for you to see your progression and think more clearly in the middle of the storm. Last but not least, it can really help you process this horrible trauma and be a great help in healing along the way.

Hang on, lilbritches. This is a marathon—a long and extremely painful one—not a sprint. You’ll have lots of support on this site to help you on the way.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 5:38 AM, Saturday, December 10th]

Also why was your husband fired? Was she a subordinate to him? If so, that is a serious situation that could impact future employment for him.

He had three write-ups in 2 months. 2 of the write-ups she was directly involved and was written up too. He was saying at the time that the boss had it out for him. It was a new boss. One write-up was for leaving the premises with her,(they supposedly just walked around the block) 2nd write-up was for not properly doing his job and the last write-up was for eating in an area not designated as an eating area and she was there too. I just found out she was there for the last write-up that got him fired. And no she wasn't fired.

Does her BS know about the A, or were they divorcing anyway? If not, letting him know would be an immense kindness. If you are only getting your information about her from your WH, you don’t really know what’s going on with them unless you get a chance to talk to her BS.

I don't know what her BS knows, I have no idea why they were divorcing my WH got real agitated when I asked about her husband. I flat out asked him where was AP's BS was he said in the beginning that he didn't know where he was. I pushed the question again a few days later and he finally told me that they were still married that he refused to sign the divorce papers,thinks her BS knows about him. I don't think the man knows at all. I've never met either of them I don't know a whole lot about them. Of course I've used what resources I have to look things up on the web but not too thrilled about paying to get a cell phone number from a random internet site.

It sounds like he’s been acting like he’s in high school with a new girlfriend. Neglecting his classes. Sneaking out to the parking lot to make out. Thumbing his nose at the principle and getting expelled. WTF with grown-ass men who act like 15-year-olds.

But that’s the reality. He has been completely disrespectful and irresponsible with you, your life, your security, your physical health. He has put you at risk for STDs and jeopardized your financial security along with everything else. This is typical. My WH did the same.

He is obviously still lying and covering his ass like crazy. Again, typical.

it also sounds like he doesn’t want you to find the BS. The divorce story sounds fishy. She doesn’t need his consent to divorce, so that’s bullshit. I’m guessing that her BS likely doesn’t know about the A and that she is bullshitting about the divorce being in process. This is also typical. If you can find him and inform him, you may have a lot more information about what has really happened, and it will also really take the shine off of their "romance."

Having their nasty little affair exposed as what it is instead of a wild romance can be a wake-up call for sure. Does his phone back up anywhere (an ipad? A computer? The cloud?)? You might be able to access text messages or other information that could help you find her name if it does.

Does his phone back up anywhere (an ipad? A computer? The cloud?)? You might be able to access text messages or other information that could help you find her name if it does.

My WS does not have a cell phone, and isn't into computers. He definitely doesn't know how to text. But now you have me wondering maybe she taught him. I'm off to search the garage and truck.

Look for a burner phone.

Lilbritches,

I'm so sorry you needed to find this group, but I'm glad you did.

I've been married 32 years also. My wayward husband (WH) was also cheating with a coworker...and then also some other women when that fizzled out (all online, but was sexting with pics and videos).

Overall, expect that you are definitely being lied to still. People who cheat have already proven that they are good at hiding things and keeping secrets from their spouses, so the lying continues even after confrontation. Cheaters are self-centered. They cheated to serve their own desires and needs and they will lie to continue to protect themselves

My husband denied in a variety of ways after the first confrontation--shocked that I would accuse him of such a thing, angry that I would suspect him, looking deeply into my eyes and swearing that nothing was going on, etc). Yep, 5 days later I texted the 3rd woman (I didn't know or suspect about his 1st 2 affair partners at that time) and she started sending me screen shots of their clearly cheating conversations. She was single and he had convinced her he was also single--so she was very horrified and cooperative.

If course he looked deeply into my eyes again after that blow up and swore that I now knew it all....NOPE. I did more digging and found evidence of the other women. Took a few weeks to get him to admit most of it. Took 8 months before he finally admitted that the 1st affair with the coworker was two and a half to three YEARS...not the 7-8 months he had led me to believe.

This is called "trickle truth" and it was devastating. More damaging than even the initial discovery. It's already awful to know your spouse can betray you when you are peacefully going about your life thinking it's pretty much all good and normal. It's another to know that your spouse can see you in such pain and hear you say sincerely many, many times that you just need to know it ALL just to begin healing...and yet they still choose to protect themselves over helping you heal and they continue to lie--only to devastate you all over again as you discover more lies.

This road is hard.

Searching his truck & garage for a cell phone is a good idea. Also search coat pockets and maybe even boots/shoes. Anything is possible, but I'd be surprised if he doesn't have an electronic way to communicate with her.

If you find a cell phone, don't just look at the pic folder, also look at the trash or in the deleted pics folder. Moreover, use the menu key for the homescreen to see currently open apps. If you go to the apps search function, you can see recently opened apps. If he has a cell phone, but isn't tech-savvy, he may not be great at covering his tracks.

My husband was a fan of using Messenger in Facebook to communicate with his affair partners.

he doesn't know what he wants but he has feelings for her and still cares about me. He wants to know if I can forgive him and never speak of it again

I'm sure he does want this. It benefits him, and he is still thinking of himself and not you. He isn't empathizing with you or your pain at all. If the roles were reversed, he would be angry that you suggested this "solution."

Don't agree to this in any way.

In fact, as long as he is still saying that he has "feelings" for her, your position should be: "I don't agree to a marriage with a third person involved." Tell him she can have him. Believe me that she is no prize and he isn't either. They are both cheaters.

If you play by his rules, the lying and cheating will definitely continue--if not with her then with someone else down the road. He has to know you will not agree to pretend this didn't happen and just move on.

If you tell him she can have him, he might go. What does she get if he does leave you? An unemployed dude that cheats on his committed partner. He is no prize.

It's also possible that drawing a strong line in the sand will wake him up to that idea that you aren't going to compete for him because he is no prize and that he doesn't get to cheat and then also decide how to move forward from this. He cheated. There are hard consequences. And what is important now is YOUR healing, not his ability to call the shots or walk away from consequences.

I'm not suggesting that you use a hardline approach to get him to come back to you and wake him up to the fact that he doesn't really love this other woman. I'm not suggesting games playing.

I'm suggesting that you protect yourself. That you draw strong boundaries that serve your interests.

My husband was almost immediately "contrite" and taking full responsibility, and not blaming me in any way for his choices, and willing to go no-contact with his affair partner, and willing to initiate therapy right away, etc. Yet he was still lying about what he'd truly done. And that lying did a boat load more damage to our relationship. The reverberations are still being felt today. And we are approaching almost 3 years after that 1st confrontation.

I wish I'd drawn strong boundaries from the get-go. I wish I'd separated right away. I firmly believe that, if I'd acted more strongly in my own best interests early on, that we'd either be divorced and I'd be more healed or we would have reached a point of true honesty much faster and I'd be more healed.

Protect yourself in this, dear lady. I'm so sorry this is so very difficult. It is. But we do know that pain and we support you.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 8:46 AM, Saturday, December 10th]

Welcome to SI lilbritches, you are now with a group of people that understand and have have walked this path. I’m also almost 32 years married.

I will first add that some of the advice will seem counter productive, some will seem harsh, but the advice comes from our own experiences or from years of reading the same similarities in everyone’s story. Your WH’s responses are very typical, right out of "The Cheaters Handbook".

he says he doesn't know what he wants but he has feelings for her and still cares about me. He wants to know if I can forgive him and never speak of it again.

This is called "cake eating" "fence sitting" "limerence" and "rug sweeping". This is a predictable response and it’s an absolute NO!! I recommend reading the healing library and implementing the 180. He wants you to forget about it so he can take his A under ground.

my husband doesn't have a cell phone, and he doesn't know how to operate a computer so there has been no communication for at least a week that I know of.

I don’t see this as real possibility, he is in communication with her and probably had a burner phone. You need to start searching bank and credit card records for clues. My W is not tech savvy either, but after Dday I found communication apps on her phone. The AP’s are more than willing to be the "tech support" for them.

You need to 180, take control and run this from now on. He doesn’t know what he wants? It’s simple push him off that fence and remove yourself as an option. He needs a wake up call and a dose of reality. Best Wishes to you

I regret even confronting him, he says he doesn't know what he wants but he has feelings for her and still cares about me. He wants to know if I can forgive him and never speak of it again.

I know it's been said, but it does bear repeating. Do not rugsweep. He does not want to talk of it because he is most likely ashamed that he betrayed whatever core values he pretended to hold. Now you know who is is to some degree and what he is capable of. He probably thought of himself as a good man and now cannot reconcile his self perception with his actual actions.

As for you, you are in shock. Infidelity is a major trauma and nothing in our lives prepares us for it other than perhaps previous infidelity. Give yourself grace. None of us went to infidelity school to prepare for this. We made our vows and kept them, assuming that is the typical thing to do. Just like cheaters project suspicion onto faithful partners, we project decency onto them.

I understand that part of you cannot live without him and wants your old life back. You just want the hurt to stop and the best way you can think of is to return to the last safe space you remember, your pre A marriage. Sadly, it's gone. I'm sure most Ws wish they could have a time machine, but you can't unring a bell.

Now comes the time for YOU to begin YOUR journey. You are going to need to process this with the help of good friends, an IC and most importantly, the good people on this site. I am not kidding when I say that this place is invaluable. The aggregate experience on this site,coupled with the wisdom and varied perspectives will help guide you during the various stages of your healing journey.

I am 5ish years out from Dday after a 27 year marriage. I loved my W despite her faults, and there were many. After Dday 1 or 2, I can't remember, stood in the kitchen weeping because I could not imagine a life without her. Now when I see her, I cannot imagine a life with her. I wonder what I ever saw in her as she really does not possess the core qualities I find truly attractive. The point is, once I detoxed and took off my idiot glasses, I saw things more clearly.

Good luck on your journey. You can do this.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:00 PM, Saturday, December 10th]

Hey LB. So sorry you had to find us. It’s a lot of pain, and him losing his job on top of it— shows you the depths of his selfishness.

You’ve gotten great advice, and I know it’s overwhelming right now. Keep re-reading as you need to. I’m going to repeat some things others have said to make sure you read it.

1) 100% his fault. Accept no blame. You may not have been perfect, your M (marriage) may not have been perfect. But he choosing to cheat is all on him. Many of us BS look for what we could have done better or differently— but know that there is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused him to cheat.

2) take care of yourself. This is a massive shock and trauma to your system. Eat healthy, drink water, avoid alcohol, get exercise and sleep. You need these for your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.

3) get support for yourself. You are on the roller coaster and will be flipping back and forth between wanting to R (reconcile) and D (divorce) many times a day (or even hour). Therapy or counseling (IC) can be very helpful if you don’t want to share with anyone else right now. If you feel you can get support from a friend, family or pastor, then consider that, too. (But if you R, they may never forgive you WS.). Get help for you. And if you tell a friend, maybe they can help you find the OBS and AP.

4) See a lawyer. Not to D - you are still reeling and probably don’t know what direction you want to go. But by seeing a lawyer you will get the full picture of D might look like and that really helps tamper down fear. Knowledge is power, and power helps you keep your grounding. (Same with understanding if he has been using marital $$ inappropriately).

5) If you find/learn who the AP and OBS are, tell the OBS. Cheaters are lying liars who lie a lot. And they often lie about whether or not the OBS knows about the A.

6) **** get to a doctor ASAP **** and get tested for all STI/STD — the full panel. Your H has had one affair that you know about and he only admitted when confronted. His actions threaten your life. (Not an exaggeration- we’ve had quite a few BS come here who have been infected with all variety of STIs. ) If you have sex with him, use a condom for protection until he also gets tested AND SHOWS YOU THE RESULTS.

7) Read in the healing library here on SI and read other posts. It helps to know others understand what you are going through and that you are not alone.

8) Keep posting. Tell us a little more about your situation. Do you work and can you survive on your salary alone? Do you have kids? How many and how old?

Most of all, hang in there. You WILL get through this. You may not see it now, but you will be okay.

I hope you’re getting some support IRL and taking care of yourself this weekend, lilbritches.These first days are truly hell as we all know, and finding out near the holidays can be especially difficult.

Sending hugs of support and strength.

So sorry you're here Lilbritches. You've received some great advice so far.

I echo the reminders to take care of yourself, get tested for STDs, seek support from select members of your tribe, get IC, see a lawyer etc.

I'd like to put FINANCIAL self-care on your radar . Please keep an eagle eye on all finances going forward, and please do a deep dive on all accounts to see if he's been pulling any financial shenanigans. He "loves her" and "she loves him" and is supposedly leaving her husband - was some kind of plan afoot to leave both spouses??? And he's been fired. Sometimes the cheating spouse is miles ahead of the BS upon discovery - may have been planning an exit so been squirreling money away, or moving funds, or stealing from the marriage to support/romance the AP. He may not have done any of these things, but better safe than sorry when it comes to protecting yourself financially. I know you're reeling from this discovery, so financial concerns may not be at the top of your list. Please don't lose sight of the big picture while you're struggling with this hell he created!

I know she used to have a facebook but she is nowhere to be found now more than likely she deleted her social media accounts.

I'm no expert on technical features of Facebook ( I hate Facebook :-), but is it possible she simply blocked YOU? Can a friend check if they can see any of her information? Telling the OBS is not only the right thing to do, it also helps to pull the betrayal into the light. Part of the heady appeal of infidelity is the bubble of secrecy that shields it. It's a real buzz kill when the betrayal is exposed to the BS. Plus you and the OBS can compare notes. Sounds like your H is stonewalling you. The OBS could shed some light on how long the A has been going on, what the affair looked like. Was it limited to quickies in vehicles during lunch/break or were there other meetings? I know digging for this stuff is painful (been there) but it's difficult to make decisions based on incomplete information. And liars lie - a lot. If reconciliation is eventually on the table your H MUST willingly come clean with all the facts you want to know. Or maybe what you know is enough to act? Maybe knowing more isn't crucial to decide next steps if you're leaning towards D? Sometimes it happens that way. But don't rug sweep if R is being seriously considered. Having said all of this, please know next steps don't have to be decided right this minute. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself right now. The first few weeks are the worst!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:56 AM, Sunday, December 11th]

I second what BoundaryBuilder said about FB. If you can’t see her at all, the most likely scenario is that she blocked you. The easiest way to know this is to have someone else check. Her FB would likely give you some hints about the status of her M and possibly a contact with her BS unless she has locked it down from anyone but friended contacts. Instagram is another possiblility and oddly enough, Pinterest and Twitter are other possibilities too depending on how active the AP is online.

I also agree with the others who’ve said that it’s extremely unlikely that they have no way to be in contact. A burner phone is the most likely, so keep your feelers open if you haven’t found it yet.

It’s really important not to tip him off on anything you find out or anything you’re looking for so that he/they can shut it down.

BoundaryBuilder’s suggestion that you check all of your financials for suspicious activity is really important too. It’s really hard not to be consumed by the emotional trauma of all of this, and that can leave you very vulnerable in other ways. Betrayal happens in many forms, and financial betrayal along with the A can compound the harm tremendously and also leave you feeling trapped with few options, depending on your age and your own earning power.

And I’ll say again that self-care and STD testing are imperative.

We all know how tremendously devastating this is. I had been married 27 years when my WH began his long-term A. It defies words to express how painful and horrific it is to experience this.

Know that we are here for you and that we understand. We’ll do our best to give you support and help to get through the initial stages with the least collateral damage—and it will still be horrible and devastating. For that, I’m so sorry.

Wishing you moments of peace.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 12:12 AM, Sunday, December 11th]

I just caught him with a cell phone talking to her while out in the garage. Now he is mad at me that he says he is even disgusted in me because I pounded on the garage window to get his attention. Now he is taking off mad. He is gone he will be sleeping in his truck tonight. I made him hand over his debit card because I don't know where he is going and I don't trust anyone not to get into our account. I told him to get his own account and debit card.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 1:39 AM, Sunday, December 11th]

I just caught him with a cell phone talking to her while out in the garage. Now he is mad at me that he is even disgusted in me because I pounded on the garage window to get his attention. Now he is taking off mad.

Of course he’s mad you are breaking up his little relationship. You need find this AP and inform her husband. Good for you catching him.

Of course he’s mad you are breaking up his little relationship. You need find this AP and inform her husband. Good for you catching him.

I've tried to find her husband. I've called every phone number I could find on him and I have left messages for him to call me. WH says he has his own place and no longer lives with her. I told him I don't believe him cause I just caught him on the phone with her and I am still going to contact her husband. Anyway he left he's going to sleep in his truck tonight he is disgusted with me. I guess I was supposed to gently knock on the garage door and say excuse me but can I talk to your homewrecking ho. Yes I acted a fool because my mind is spinning out of control.

Don’t beat yourself up. This shit is so hard. I did the same thing a lot—immediately confronting over every lie I caught him in and new piece of information I found.

So now, I’ll say gently: stop doing that. If you had seen him and done nothing, you could have found the phone and gotten information off of it. Don’t tell him you plan to contact the OBS, just do everything you can to find him and tell him. If they have enough warning, they will tell him that a crazy jealous wife is going to contact him. They will get their stories straight and lie, lie, lie. It’s what they do. The OBS needs to have the element of surprise too in order to find out anything on his end before she deletes everything.

Don’t reveal your sources or your information. Document and secure every piece of info you get somewhere where your WS can’t get to it. Stop telling him what you know. He will only ever admit to what he’s caught at. Don’t let him know what he’s been caught at.

Edited to add: And excuse me, HE’S disgusted with YOU????? What did you do, fuck around with someone else? NOPE. He’s ashamed and embarrassed to be caught, and he’s doing a very typical cheater thing to do: blameshift, deflect and try to silence you with an explosion of anger, a temper tantrum. Throw every bit of that back at him.

Oh,and NEVER tell him about this site. This needs to be a safe space for you to get support and advise. Log in on a private browsing window and always close it when you leave.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 2:03 AM, Sunday, December 11th]

You need to 180, take control and run this from now on. He doesn’t know what he wants? It’s simple push him off that fence and remove yourself as an option. He needs a wake up call and a dose of reality. Best Wishes to you

That has already happened he just left and it didn't even phase me. He says he lied about the phone to spare my feelings because I asked about a phone a few days ago. He's not a happy camper tonight because I did catch him on the phone to her.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 2:07 AM, Sunday, December 11th]